I've lost my Compassion-I've Lost my way - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 29 Old 04-02-2010, 03:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I can't do it anymore. I am broken. i am lost. i am not a good mother any more. My husband fears I will loose my mind completely soon. How can I pick up the pieces?
We have lost everything in the last 6 months. Our business, our home, our cars, our life we worked so hard for. We can't find work. Not even Target has called me back. Always bad news, always a catastrophe.
I'm staying in my dad's basement, well it's not even his basement yet. . . my grandparents both past this last year and it's their home my dad is trying to buy from all the brothers and sisters. So total eggshells at almost 29 (my birthday is in a month) with four children in a glass house of a basement my dad doesn't even own.
We are failure's. I can't breath. I don't react well anymore. I have no patience. I am hurting my kids hearts because when they do something wrong the rage in me explodes and I say horrible awful things. Help me!

Mama of 4 all born at home : Mothering
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#2 of 29 Old 04-02-2010, 04:02 PM
 
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I'm so sorry things are so rough. I am sending strength your way. We are here to support you.
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#3 of 29 Old 04-02-2010, 08:15 PM
 
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Just know that you will get through these tough times, be easy on yourself. You can only go up from here, I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.
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#4 of 29 Old 04-02-2010, 08:25 PM
 
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You're not failures. You're stressed out and you have every right to be. And being pleasant and peaceful when you're a big ball of stress is just not possible. So please find some way to take care of yourself and feel better. The rest will work itself out, somehow.
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#5 of 29 Old 04-02-2010, 08:35 PM
 
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Be gentle with yourself mama. You are not a failure, you are just going through tough times. You will get through them. You are a good mama.

Kate, mom to 7 year old Djuna and 4 yr old Alden. Missing our good friend Hal the cat who died June 2, 2010

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#6 of 29 Old 04-02-2010, 09:14 PM
 
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I am not anywhere near in your situation, but have been having what felt really stressful to me - furnace broke down, cat died horribly, and needed a new washer all the 9th month of my pregnancy - and I've been a totally horrible person to my kids, too. Stress really messes with your ability to be patient. Please be gentle with yourself.

Jenna ~ mommy to Sophia Elise idea.gif  (1/06), Oliver Matthew  blahblah.gif (7/07) and Avery Michael fly-by-nursing1.gif(3/10)

 

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#7 of 29 Old 04-02-2010, 11:10 PM
 
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I believe that sometimes we are presented with situations in life because we can handle them. They push us to the limit, but we can handle it. And we become stronger this way. Sometimes life is testing us. You are strong enough to handle what you are given. You ARE.

Be strong, mama! This will pass, and you will be okay. Give your kids some extra hugs and love right now. And yourself, too.



Keep posting.

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#8 of 29 Old 04-02-2010, 11:37 PM
 
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Praying that things will improve for you soon.

Wife of 20 years to my superhero firefighting DH. SAHM to 2 boys and 2 girls (3 babies in Heaven- Baby # 5 5/2010 & Baby #6 8/2011 & Baby # 7 2/1013). Cancer Survivor 2011 ( Persistent Malignant Gestational Trophoblastic Disease)

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#9 of 29 Old 04-03-2010, 04:44 AM
 
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Take things in 15-minute increments at a time. Breathe.

Hang in there. You're not a terrible person. Just overwhelmed with life in general at the moment. Be gentle with yourself.

Sign hanging in Albert Einstein's office at Princeton: Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted, counts.
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#10 of 29 Old 04-03-2010, 04:52 AM
 
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No matter how you react, it is stressful and a big change for the kids. Maybe seeing you unhappy about it is important to them. Maybe they need to know that it's okay to have negative feelings and it's okay to be unhappy with your current state.

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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#11 of 29 Old 04-03-2010, 11:26 AM
 
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Oh my goodness

You are not a failure you are in a bad way. Its temporary. Please be kind with yourself and breathe. Remember that this won't last. Things WILL improve.

I am feeling that this thread will be better served in a diff forum, personal growth perhaps.

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#12 of 29 Old 04-03-2010, 12:47 PM
 
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oh my
i am so sorry. i often think back to the days when i was homeless, living out of a duffle bag with a baby and preschooler in a friend's room. it was so tough, i have no idea how i made it through.

please know that it *doesn't* last forever. hang on to that and know that you are not a failure! at all!

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

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#13 of 29 Old 04-03-2010, 07:14 PM
 
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I agree with Beauchamp. I believe that we are sent things in life to learn a lesson and to help us see what we are fully capable of.

You have lost almost everything and yet you're still going. Still fighting. How awesome are you?!

Focus on the moment, and try not to think about all the other stuff. Worrying is not going to fix it.

I know it sounds trite, but try to think of all the good things in your life. When my husband left I started a "Good Things" journal and everyday I would write down the good things that happened during that day. Not even big things, just things like: kids went to bed early and I got to have a bath, sun shining all day, DS1 did XYZ cute thing etc. It really helped me remember the good things I do have in my life and to remember the little things. It helped me focus on the postive rather than the negative.

It's complicated.
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#14 of 29 Old 04-03-2010, 07:25 PM
 
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It will be ok. I promise. It might not be better for a while, but that's ok too. Take the hours as they come, do the best you can. That's all you can do.

Can we help brainstorm ways to help make things better? Do you have enough food, things like that?

I'm sending you good thoughts, nothing tangible, but I hope it helps a bit.
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#15 of 29 Old 04-03-2010, 10:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for the kind words I *know* things will get better, and I'm hopeful for that. It's just really hard when it hits you and you don't even realize those words coming out of your mouth are so sharp and angry and hurt.
I think I will try the journal, I've been wanting to do that for awhile. I also would like to find some reconnection to spiritual aspects again but nothing from my past spiritual experience with traditional Christianity.

I've even convinced my DH that it's time for me to go to school. Since I married so young (18) and became wife and then soon after a mother, I've never furthered my education and it's something I really have wanted to do.

Up until now DH has not been really supportive about the idea, but know he sees how beneficial me having a degree would be. When I posted this thread I was really a basket case. It rises and flows sometimes much like labor pains-one moment I am managing just fine when all of a sudden the stress of it all gets to be to painful to much I feel sweaty, shaky, and unable to see my way out.
Anyway just here.

Mama of 4 all born at home : Mothering
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#16 of 29 Old 04-04-2010, 01:06 PM
 
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Just wanted to say the journaling will really help. It helped me so so much when I was going through a rough patch in my own life. I wrote down everything I was thankful for, everyday. It was amazing how the lists got longer the longer I journaled.
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#17 of 29 Old 04-04-2010, 01:08 PM
 
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Just had to respond, sending you some !

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#18 of 29 Old 04-04-2010, 05:20 PM
 
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Sending you some love mama. You can get through this.

Reconnecting to your spirituality sounds like a great idea. It might or might not be the time to try whole new religions (or denominations if you still beleive in christianity), it might be too much added stress (or it could add support.) how about trying to start praying or meditating as well as journal writing? Meditation and prayer really help me when I'm going through rough times and don't feel like I can handle what's being thrown at me. When I'm having a really hard time, and can't see how I can possibly get through it, I like to talk to G-d. sometimes I yell at g-d for giving me such a hard load, and sometimes I beg for help, and sometimes I talk to g-d. If you need more help/suggustions/advice with reconnecting to your spirituality, come pop over in the spirituality forum, and we'd love to help you.

Going back to school sounds like a good plan too.

We're here for you mama. If you need some hugs, come back here and let us know, and we'll pile them on.

Caroline, partner to J, post partum doula, kitchen manager, aspiring midwife, soon to be nursing student, mama to my furbaby, someday a mama to not so furry munchkins, G-d willing
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#19 of 29 Old 04-04-2010, 08:10 PM
 
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i think the journaling is a great idea. have you thought about trying counseling? i am not sure about where you live but often help is available on a sliding scale so that it is affordable.

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

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#20 of 29 Old 04-04-2010, 11:34 PM
 
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I have a good friend in a similar situation. She went to her doctor, who promptly prescribed a low dosage of an antidepressant. I'm not saying to go get drugs, but I think under extreme circumstances, our bodies cannot process everything and keep us sane. She said that after only one day she felt a lot better.

Hugs mama, hang in there.
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#21 of 29 Old 04-05-2010, 12:14 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PiesandAbrosmama View Post
We are failure's. I can't breath. I don't react well anymore. I have no patience. I am hurting my kids hearts because when they do something wrong the rage in me explodes and I say horrible awful things. Help me!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have much to add, but I wanted to share that when I'm judging myself harshly I have a very hard time being kind to my family as well. You say you are a failure. You are not a failure. Maybe you feel embarrassed or apologetic for your situation? But it isn't your fault! And even if it was caused by some of your own choices, that does not mean that you should treat yourself harshly. You are just as worthy as anyone else of compassion and understanding.

I hope you feel better soon
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#22 of 29 Old 04-05-2010, 12:25 PM
 
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I went through something similar over the past couple of years. I understand everything you are feeling. I was living in a basement too!

My advice would be to make sure you have someone to talk to so you can vent out every last bit of feeling and frustration, whether that be you husband, best friend, or even here on mdc.

It took me a while to figure this out, but it ended up being a really good opportunity to teach my kids about asking for forgiveness, admitting mistakes, making up, etc. It took me a year of trying to pretend I was still that perfect mom, before I let my guard down, started getting real with myself and my kids and admitted that I was wrong to shout like that, will you forgive me? That simple act of reconciliation with my child was incredibly healing. And of course it teaches the kids how to respond when they make a mistake with someone's feelings.

I really felt like I was a good mom before the bottom fell out for me. And it's taken a while to forgive myself for coming down of my own pedestal. Breathe mama. Live in the moment and don't fret about the past. Be the best you can be in this moment. It will get better.

Heather-- I'm a <>< SAHM of two fabulous boys 8/05 and 2/07
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#23 of 29 Old 04-05-2010, 02:28 PM
 
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Ditto everyone else... and also, have you talked to your kids in one of the calmer moments yet? Have you told your kids that the way things are right now is upsetting you, and you're doing everythig you can to improve it but you may get extra upset sometimes for things you usually wouldn't be that angry about? And have you told them you love them just as much as ever and you want things to be better for all of you?

Definitely do the journaling, and breathe, and be kind to yourself. AND be honest with your kids that you're trying your best but sometimes things get extra hard and you may sound extra mad, but you adore them and it's not their fault.

During tough times it's so important to tell this to our kids. Even wee little ones who don't seem to understand words yet, they will understand the emotion and intention behind the words.

Communication and love in the calmer (or at least in the less stressful) moments is key.
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#24 of 29 Old 04-05-2010, 02:56 PM
 
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mama nature is a great healer.

i hope you can journal - it is an easy thing to do. but for many journaling is not it.

can you find a hobby or research and write a blog about it.

going back to school - esp. if you enjoyed it - can be a v. healing thing. hang in there and you can do it. as long as you take it easy and not take on too many classes.

my coping mantra is ' at least my dd does not have leukemia'. when my boss with kindness and sadness in his eyes told me they would have to let me because they were downsizing - i stayed calm and he was impressed. that mantra helps me keep in focus that no matter what happens - my dd is ok and i want nothing more than that.

all the horrible stuff happened at once and now you can put it behind you. are you taking summer school. just one class? a whole new adventure!!!

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#25 of 29 Old 04-05-2010, 03:32 PM
 
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PiesandAbrosmama,

I don't know what your past experiences are with Christianity, but for what it's worth, I offer you this. Try Jesus. Christianity itself can be a lot of trouble, a lot of expectations, speculations and opinions. Christianity is not Jesus, however, and the power and life is through Him and it is really real.

I came to know Jesus seven years ago. I was at the end of my ability and hope, I had little desire to go on, with no idea where I was going. I was angry and frustrated and I hated everything.

I was looking for a useful worldview and belief system that would answer my questions about life. One afternoon, as I held my Bible in my hand, the thought came to my mind: “Everything you want to know about how the world works is written is this book.” In seven years, I have not been let down or disappointed with the worldview presented therein.

Jesus is my source of comfort, direction, instructions, purpose. He gives me strength and reason to go on, and He makes me able to do what I otherwise could not. He hears my stress and sorrows, my pain and worries, and my anger and frustration - even when it is directed at Him. He gives me advice and direction, and helps me to understand and be patient.

This is a very quick summary of seven years, but it is my experience. I suggest for you to begin where you are comfortable. Ask Jesus to meet you, to help you. Journal your thoughts, anxieties, and prayers. Seek him and He will be found by you.

Here are some verses for you:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed,
A refuge in times of trouble.
And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;
For You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.
Psalm 9:9-10

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13
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#26 of 29 Old 04-05-2010, 09:06 PM
 
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Spring is coming, and with that comes new beginings, new life, fresh start and brighter days. Winter is so hard, especially when life sucks and the weather is nasty.

Money means less than most think and even less to the children. We were never without home and in my eyes never poor. Others would disagree, some said we lived in poverty. But I never felt that way. The poorest I ever felt is when I was a child, living with my father, he had the "too big", too clean house, 2 new cars, 2 boats, dog, rabbit, "perfect family" and yet when it came to comfort and love...we were bankrupt. From a child's perspective, because some of it still seems like yesterday, the money meant nothing. Sure disney was fun...I remember drinking Tang and eating breakfast (cheapest around .99), I don't remember mickey or Pluto. I remember going to McDonald's once a week, going to the park for a picnic and throwing a Frisbee and learning to stand on my head, I remember the long walks/bike rides to town where we played on a swing set or helping mom cook.

I say all this to remind you, money means nothing. Living in a basement apartment...the kids won't be traumatized by this, heck it could be some really fun/great memories. Love them, read to them, play with them. Go outside, the sun works wonders. Love yourself, you are a mother, an amazing women...just think about what you have created and carried, 4 amazing lives! Then think ahead 20 years, imagine one of your children calling you, feeling what you are feeling right now and give that advice to yourself, give that pep talk to yourself, give that love and comfort to yourself. When you feel good about you, you will be able to be the mother you know you are. And know that we are here to support you too!

Sophia ~ 9/21 learning how to be crunchy mama. Uh oh, I just went over the crunch edge! ECing!! Planned ~ maybe next time : :
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#27 of 29 Old 04-07-2010, 12:55 PM
 
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29 with 4 kids, no money, living in your dad's basement, and no job and you think you're not reacting to things correctly? I think you'd had lost your mind if you were in a cheerful mood about it babe!
Seriously last year I was in much the same boat as you. I was 28 years old, my husband lost his job on a monday and I found out I was pregnant on the thursday of the same week with a very unexpected baby #5, no insurance, no money in the bank, etc. I said inappropriate things at time. I got overly angry at times. I laid on the couch and felt sorry for myself. But and heres the main thing, I just kept swimming. When I got the medical card, when I got food stamps, everytime I used those food stamps, everytime I had to discuss the work situation, I was humiliated and depressed. But after 6 long miserable months my husband DID get a job. Another 3 months later we actually caught up on bills. Now I'm still "just treading water" some days but life is better than a year ago. When you finally do break through and get a breath of air again you'll realize how much you've grown and learned from this experience and how much stronger your family bond is for it. IT WILL BE OK!

wife to an amazing man and mom to my 5 amazing children sd (16), sd (13), d (5), son (2), & caboose d born 11/15/09 and two goats but they don't have anything for that
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#28 of 29 Old 04-07-2010, 07:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Everyone thank you for your kindness. It helps to vent out in cyber world to a place of concerned and loving mama types! It's a daily battle no good news yet, hopefully soon. Over 63 applications submitted in 2.5 weeks. Hopefully something will break through. Thank you all so much.

Mama of 4 all born at home : Mothering
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#29 of 29 Old 04-07-2010, 08:19 PM
 
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Hang in there momma. It's a tough time all around, don't let it take you away from yourself.

V

Happy Momma to DD (almost 3) Fall Coleslaw -- Simple Italian Stuffed Peppers -- - Fall Toddler Activities.- We Made a Play Kitchen Selling gently used books on all topics here.
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