Unusual situation with dd's dad - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-13-2010, 12:59 AM - Thread Starter
Gal
 
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I don't even know how to title this thread, so I'm sorry.

My "ex" and I have been involved in this weird relationship situation, I'm in a point that I don't even know how to refer to him. I've been told he refers to me as his wife, but we're divorced and the term doesn't apply. And as I said "I've been told" so I'm not sure if that's true and I haven't asked him.

We divorced in April 2006, for reasons that were not worth it to begin with in my opinion. It was all related to his own insecurities, and at that time I decided as well that was the best for us.
During that year we had a normal divorced "relationship", we were civil around DD and we shared custody, and he kept his distance from me as much as possible. I had several dates but I never felt comfortable becuase I still had(have) feelings for him.

He never dated anyone as far as I know that period and he tells me he didn't and I believe him, I wouldn't have cared if he had anyway it's his life.

Then, a year after we divorced we started a sexual relationship,according to us it was just that, sexual. I didn't put much thought on it, of course I thought it was wrong and unecessary but I said I have feelings for him and it stopped being just "sexual" for both us. And we started a relationship again, but we are pretty much low key. Not everybody knows about it and the ones that do think we're nuts.

My mom thinks it's unhealthy for my DD, and sometimes I think it is. I mean, we're both adults, he's 57 and I'm 32 I guess we shouldn't be playing our little game anymore.

When all of this began, he used to wake up early so DD wouldn't see him and avoid all the uncomfrotable questions. But he stopped doing that months ago and DD never asked anything, until she started kindergarden. One of her classmate's parents are divorced as well, so I bet they have talked about it:
"Why do you and daddy sleep in the same bed if you're not husband and wife anymore?"
"When are you going to be daddy's wife again?"
We ask her if she was uncomfortable, she says "no" but that she just wants us to be "husband and wife" again not "boyfriend and girlfriend" and she also says that she's happy that we love eachother "again"

I'm wondering if this is affecting her, I've been feeling guilty about it. Even though she says it doesnt bother her, but her first question really caught us by surprise.
We haven't really said we're getting married again, we've said that we'll start our relationship openly again.

I'm usually told by friends that I'm crazy and that I divorced him for a reason or that I should find someone closer to my age.
But hey, it's our problem right?

Thanks for the vent, I don't even know if I want advice and I do I don't know what kind of advice I want. Anything will be appreciated.
I think we need to sat with DD and talk to her about how she feels, but I'm nervous, I can't even confront my six year old daughter much less my "ex" about it.

Ugh, again thanks
Oh and I'm sorry for all the grammar mistakes and the lack of better words, I'm not used to write in english.

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Old 05-13-2010, 09:23 AM
 
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Wow sounds like a lot is going on in your life...My boyfriend and I went through a tough time at one point too..I hope we get married before DD starts asking me questions that i don't have the answer to...

Anyway...Personally i think u need to ignore what others are telling u. You will probably be most happy if u do what u want and u stick with it. People around u will either agree or disagree but u surely don't need their approval. When they disagree u can simply tell them thanks for their concern but u are happy with your choice..

As for DD u can explain to her that mommy and daddy don't need to be married to love each other. My father divorced my mother when I was eleven and was with the same women for 12 years and they just got married...They opened my eyes to what commitment means. Marriage is something special yes...but not being married for the "sake" of a child shows a lot too...If marriage is what it would take to make u at peace then by all means go ahead but that doesn't sound like what ur looking for. It's not too uncommon for parents to not be married...The questions she is asking u sound like they are coming from someone else...Maybe she has heard someone talk about it? I'm a firm believer that if I'm happy my kids will be happy. Follow your heart girl! If your daughter seems to be negatively affected by all this(doesn't sound like its the case) then u should consider counseling...

I hope all this helps...I feel like i know what ur going through...my boyfriend and i are not married and loads of people have unwanted opinions about it all the time. All i know is that my dad's lack of marriage didn't screw me up...Follow in his footsteps? sure but I'm happy

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Old 05-13-2010, 03:53 PM
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I just want to s
and say that, while this may be affecting your daughter, it isn't hurting her as much as, say, being "boyfriend and girlfriend" with another man, other than her father.
I'm not coming down on anybodies choices, or paths for their lives. Just saying that it's good that you ar worried about your actions affecting your daughter, but don't worry too much, because it is her daddy. I think it's good for kids to see their moms and dads loving each other.
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Old 05-13-2010, 04:52 PM
 
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"We both love you, we love each other and we like being together. This works best for our family"


That's all you need to say to your dd.

Sounds to me like everybody is happy with the arrangement except a bunch of people who really have no say

Congratulations on the relationship you've built with your daughter's father. It needs no definition, it is what it is.

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