There is a lot of back story... I will just try to sum it up here...
I was born when my mother was 16, and I think she has always had some resentment toward me because I "stole" her teenage years. Plus my biological father was never in the picture, so I have always been just abig mistake all the way around. Fortunately for me I had some one to be a dad to me, and when I was almost a teenager they moved to this country with me. They never did bother to get my paper work done for me. So, if you want to be really technica about it, you can say that they brought me here illegally, kept me here illegally, and never worried about how it might affect my life. I am currently dealing with a lot of anger having to do with this. As it turns out, I stayed here, had my first baby, and then had to choose between marrying my boyfriend (with whom my relationship had been much less then ideal), or having to leave the country.
Anyways, I am off track. So, my parents moved me around from state to state and town to town, and I am terribly shy, so it was always hard for me to make friends. But in high school my mother really bombed. I think she saw that I had the potential to be happy, somethig she feels she missed out on, so she tried to put an end to that. She restricted my social life to access to an emotionally abuive boyfriend, and my job. All my relationships ended up being weak,based on nothing, because I couldn't spend time with anyone. She wouldn't let me spend time with anybody outside school and my job. I couldn't drive, because I was not legal, didn't know anyone with a car, and when I asker her for a ride to work, she acted like I was abig pain in the a$$. Beyond this we had almost no interaction. (my mother and I)
Because I had no idea how to function... I spent a year after high school trying to figure it out. Then I spent 3 years depressed as hell and using various things to try to kill myself on the inside. When I got pregnant with my ds, my life very slowly started to change.
It is better than it was, but this is me now...
I am a stay at home mom with two small children, horrible anxiety that keeps me from having friends, and most of the time from leaving the house. I have no idea how to constructively spend my time. No self esteem. No family of my own that will talk to me, besides my grandparents. No idea, what so ever, how to live an emotionally sustainable life.
My relationship with my husband is less than ideal... I love him, but our entire relationship has been as freakin wreck, and the crapiness of it all was "settled for" because I was almost forced to marry him. We probably could have redeemed the relationship, but because we got married when not ready for it, I think that chance has slimed down to ... very little, and totally taken any urgency out of it (for him mostly).
He's a very good man and I love him, but if I had felt like it was my choice I wouldn't have married him when I did.
My kids are bored. I want to teach them things, but I am so self ish and self absorbed lately that I can't be happy just spending time with them. We are financially screwed, we are all sick without health care, and now I think I am pregnant with a third baby.
I don't know what in the hell to do.
I feel like such a freakish f*** up