Why do I treat my sister in law this way... and other things... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-23-2010, 05:20 PM
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This is just terrible, rude behavior. I don't really care about your process of figuring out your own motives - I just hope you report that you have knocked it off. Adults don't treat each other the way you have described. Adults behave the way your SIL does - kindly and nicely in a family environment, even in the face of unprovoked ugly treatment.

Of course, there is always the possibility that your actions seem obvious only to you, and SIL just takes it all with a grain of salt. If you really behave the way you are claiming you do, I doubt she looks up to you in any way or seeks your approval. It's more likely that she feels pity for your inexplicable actions, and keeps the peace as one would with a v. young child (pre-impulse-control) b/c there is no reasoning with the kind of non-adult behavior you are describing.
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Old 07-23-2010, 07:12 PM
 
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If I were in your shoes I would definitely try to talk it out in some kind of therapy. Living like that can't be very fulfilling and I imagine your partner has noticed your behavior, even if you think you're very secretive about it and is probably mortified.

You sound a lot like a person in my own family. Everyone is completely aware of her antics, adults are generally quite good at picking out passive aggressive behavior. We don't think ill of her, because it's obviously stemming from her own insecurities, but we do have a good chuckle about some mean things she's done when she's not around. I wouldn't worry about your sil, she sounds quite stable and is probably well aware of what you're doing/thinking. If anything, I would think she just feels sorry for you.

But I would definitely get some help for yourself. Being you doesn't sound like much fun.

HTH!
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Old 07-26-2010, 04:19 AM
 
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I've had some similar feelings to what you describe for some women sometimes.......

I want to say that some of the PP's I found mean and lacking in understanding and empathy.

I've been in therapy for awhile now and I know when I get those feelings it is mostly coming from me but i also know that we interact energetically with people as well and i've started to notice them when people have some similar issues to you there can be some weird energy sometimes......

I do not think you are a bad person at all. I think it is good you are working on it.....and being aware of it.

and i really do think it is crappy for people to give you a hard time about it.....humans are complex and stuff comes up...that's life.

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Old 07-26-2010, 04:31 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Polishbabies View Post
I think I'm focused on making her jealous.

I love the fact that i'm thinner than her and I barely have to work at it

I make a point to make her feel bad indirectly

I really dont like her and wish she would disappear... except she's not...

...maybe i'm making myself feel better by laughing at other peoples faults? I also do this with other people i dont like just not as often... SIL is kind of always in the conversations and I see her often enough that shes my target...

Why am I like this and how do I stop? I hope someone can say something to ease my mind or suggest some self help book to read.....
As hard as some of those things are to read....I think your being honest about your thoughts/motives is a wonderful start.

I think if you could catch yourself when you start to compete, pick on, target her, etc and go in a different direction that would help you. Maybe she knows you are doing these things and chooses to be kind to you in response. She may not be as clueless as you think. She may be hoping for genuine friendship with you. I do not think you will see her heart and her value until you go in a different direction with her.


Good luck! I admire your honesty and desire for more.

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