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#1 of 43 Old 07-11-2010, 10:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This Group was started because of interest in a post about Eating Disorders. It is intended to be a positive environment for those of us in recovery and or living with various forms of Eating Disorders. However, it is not to encourage or glamorize, offer tips or medical advice about weight loss or dieting.
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#2 of 43 Old 07-11-2010, 10:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm 43 and mom to three Little Ones ages 9,5 and 2. I have been battling with Overeating/Binge Eating for almost 30 years. I have finally reached a point in my life where I know that I need to end this self distructive behavior. I have been in and out of counseling for years and treated for depression but coming to terms with my food issues is much harder to admit. This is very personal, embarrassing and I carry a great deal of shame much more that anything else I've shared in private therapy. Food has so much control over me that at times I'm unable to know when I'm full let alone stop eating.
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#3 of 43 Old 07-12-2010, 01:51 AM
 
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Thank you for starting this thread/tribe, and thank you so much for sharing your own situation. I know how difficult it is and I hope you find all the support and help you need.

I am currently in treatment for a mood disorder, as well as for ED issues, which have been part of my life for almost ten years. Even so, it took many weeks for me to bring up my ED behavior in my therapy sessions. This is the first time, except for a brief period when I was a teenager, that I've been in treatment. I am a 25 year old married mother of one DS (2), and have been binging and purging since high school. I have been dieting since I was 8 or 9, and in high school I couldn't take it anymore and turned to bulimia/purging in order to "control" food (of course, I was really out of control) and lose weight. I am a chronic over-eater, and started purging after my binges, and then when I started to get really obsessed with weight loss, I purged after regular meals as well. I then started abusing diet pills. However, because I was getting thinner and receiving attention, I felt like ends justified the means. My body has still not recovered from the damage I did.

As an older teen/young adult, I ended up using alcohol to numb the guilt (I felt incredibly shallow and stupid all the time), and wound up in the hospital with near-fatal alcohol poisoning. Still, that wasn't enough of a low -- and though I was eventually able to stop the alcohol problem without professional help (that said, I recommend anyone out there dealing with an alcohol/drug dependence issue to seek out the help you deserve!), I haven't totally ever been able to stop the binge and purge compulsion.

While it's certainly nothing to be proud of, I know now that I eat because I have a hard time feeling/expressing emotions. I eat and eat as avoidance, and then I purge because I'm scared to gain more weight, plus purging tends to make me tired, so I can avoid dealing with myself even more that way. Anyway, that's the outline of my story. I would also like to add that I have an amazing DH, without whom I would likely not be in the treatment I now realize I so seriously need.
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#4 of 43 Old 07-12-2010, 09:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you "Litany". I've been suffering in silence for years and sometimes the loneliness of dealing with an eating disorder causes additional pain. I learned a lot about myself and my parents during my first round of therapy which explained ( but not justified ) my self-destructive behaviors and substance abuse that controlled my early adult years. The only problem with drinking is that it's harder to hide. most people figure that one out pretty quickly.

Dragging unresolved issues into my first marriage caused me to have a nervous breakdown then during my "recovery process" I discovered that my (now) ex-husband was having an affair with a girl almost 40 years his junior. That slapped me right back to my love/hate relationship with foods...because food was the only thing I could control in my life. Besides, as far as I was concerned food didn't judge me, call me names and was always there for me in good or bad times.

I spent a lot of time alone as a child. My mother was quite busy with her own life and I think that contributed to many destructive and mentally abusive relationships that plagued me for years. One thing I can honestly admit is that I have never entertained thoughts of suicide.

Anyway, having been medicated in the past I really just want to try avoiding that route again. I don't know, maybe I'm someone who needs medication but I want to really try to deal with the roots of my issues with a clear head. This approach is probably a more painful process but I've always had a "crutch" in the past and when I stop the meds the desire to continue the secret behaviors is still there.

Sadly, I know that I'm not alone but eating disorders is such a hard subject to bring up. It's just too painful. Me, I'm a closet eater and I hide food ( overeating/binge-purge). I had times when I have consumed so much foods that I have become physically ill before I was ready. Only to continue the vicious cycle. My only hope is that those of us who are struggling can have a positive and safe place to come and gain the strength "we" need to recover.
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#5 of 43 Old 07-12-2010, 02:08 PM
 
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While I am so sorry the circumstances in your life led you to ED, I very much admire your resolve to get down to the core of your issues! That is definitely an important initial step to lasting recovery.

Choosing whether or not to utilize medications is a complex and highly personal decision. For me, it's less about relying on them as a fix for a problem, and more about using them to get me to a headspace where I am capable of fixing myself in therapy. I know I personally do not consistently think clearly about my behavior and my ED; now, with the right medication, I am more consistent. I hope to get to a place someday where I can wean myself off of meds -- and not increasing dosages if I can help it, etc.

I have been attempting to find the right mix of medications for almost a year, with some disastrous results. I was way over-medicated by my first treatment center, and they kept increasing doses and choosing more and more hard to handle combinations until I had to leave altogether and seek treatment elsewhere. I landed in the ER many, many times because of reactions to the drugs. I became pretty hesitant to try new meds at all, but my new treatment center discovered that I am incredibly sensitive to drugs, and I now use "child size" doses of my medication (and they only have me on one daily med, with a script for anxiety attacks that I use only in the most necessary circumstances). Honestly, things have been up and down -- the medication helps stabilize the extremity, but I do the real work. If I stop working at recovery, the meds keep me from hitting the low-lows of self harm, but not from succumbing to depression.
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#6 of 43 Old 07-12-2010, 08:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yea, it's so hard sometimes and I too understand how the adjustment to meds can be. Once I had such a horrible time stopping Paxil that I was in bed with flu like symptoms for almost a week. I'm just trying to avoid that disconnected feeling again. But we'll see how that goes.

I did well today working through some tough "triggers" and fielding a painful conversation with my mom. I always end our calls feeling very sad and lonely and my first response it to reach for the cookie jar so to speak. I'm doing my best to stay strong and hope that everyone else is too.

Thanks "Litany"!
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#7 of 43 Old 07-12-2010, 09:18 PM
 
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I'm so glad to hear you had a good day!
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#8 of 43 Old 07-14-2010, 11:29 AM
 
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I would also like to add that I have an amazing DH, without whom I would likely not be in the treatment I now realize I so seriously need.
Same here, with my boyfriend. He's the one who put the gentle but necessary pressure on me which I am grateful for.

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#9 of 43 Old 07-14-2010, 12:08 PM
 
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OK, my turn to be confused. I thought that our tribe was located in the Mental Health section. I didn't get why there wasn't a lot of activity over there, then it finally occurred to me to look here! The mods will probably end up moving this back to Mental Health, but honestly, I don't care where it is so long as we have it. I'm so happy to find some support.

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#10 of 43 Old 07-15-2010, 10:19 AM
 
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hello mamas. I have moved this to personal growth.

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#11 of 43 Old 07-15-2010, 02:34 PM
 
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I'm so happy to find some support.


When I was looking around the boards I saw the post in Mental Health, then soon after the new thread on the Tribes section, so I just started in there.
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#12 of 43 Old 07-16-2010, 09:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was wondering what happened. Anyway, I guess this is our new home. LOL!!!

I'm doing my best to resist my junk food urges but the weekend is approaching and as always my strengths will be tested. I'm feeling pretty good and really trying to work on my weak points and focus on being healthy for my kids.

I've been following OA through their daily outreach but I'm not subscribing to their online meetings and still don't have the courage to do a face-face group. I did get an OA book from the library and have just about finished it. I see a common thread between the readings and my life and I'm trying to use their basic principals of abstinance. It's a test of wills but I'm feeling stronger each day as the urges to binge seem to be fading. It's been 5 days without a can of soda!!! That's great for me since I can easily down a 6 pack between lunch and dinner.
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#13 of 43 Old 07-16-2010, 01:46 PM
 
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Hi, can I join? I too have an ED that I feel sooo ashamed about. I'm also extremely shy , even for threads like this. I was lurking in the health forum where the tribe was and found that it got moved here. So I hope I'm posting in the right place This ed is a burden I've carried most of my life. I thought about doing a guest account and getting support that way but I figured I'm not alone which makes me somewhat happy but nevertheless I'd never wish this on anyone. I have a couple of ED's, I'm annorexic and I have a condition known as pica which comes with my ocd. I'm just now getting help for my eds and have been diagnosed with major depression and ocd. I'm five months pregnant and trying really hard not to go back to it. People look at me and say "you look great for being five months", but they don't realize the damage that I've done to my body. I'm keeping my ed's under control but some days are really hard. I hope you can all accept me.

I just recently found out that my ocd is treatable. Growing up I was more reprimanded by my parents to not do or repeat all of my behaviors as far as the ocd and annorexia goes. However because of all the traumatic events in my life it's really hard not to. Now my mom blames herself for my problems but I know it's not her fault. She did the best she could being a single parent.

I also do have an awesome dh who just now is starting to understand what I'm going through. However he didn't in the beginning and because of that we have gone through some really bad times. I'm just thankful that he's never been judgemental. Like I mentioned I have severe depression so everything for me is a hurdle I have to jump through and I can see how it can be perceived as laziness but with that comes the ed's.

I just want to get better. I'm not taking any meds because of my baby and I refuse to. As a result I've had to look for another therapist. As soon as I have him, then yeah I'm opened to find the right mix out there for me. I think that with therapy it could be a road to recovery. I'm far away from that road but I just wish I could grasp it. I do like my new therapist though.
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#14 of 43 Old 07-16-2010, 02:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi BRmama! I hope you'll find comfort in knowing you're not alone. I appreciate that there are other moms out there ( on here ) who have listened and not judged me or anyone else, Welcome!
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#15 of 43 Old 07-16-2010, 04:51 PM
 
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I hope you can all accept me.
BRmama, of course!!

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#16 of 43 Old 07-16-2010, 06:14 PM
 
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Welcome BRmama! I am so excited to hear you are taking the steps toward recovery. It took me almost a year of intense trial and error to find a system (a mixture of meds and weekly therapy with the right person) that works for me. After almost ten years struggling with binging, purging, and bulimia, I can happily say I haven't done any of those behaviors in a couple of weeks.

As far as meds/therapy go, I'm of the opinion that therapy alone can be a huge help to most folks. Sometimes, as in my case, meds are necessary, but I look forward to the day that I can wean off of them.
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#17 of 43 Old 07-16-2010, 07:27 PM
 
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Thank you everyone for the welcomes. I really appreciate them. I feel like this is one step closer to recovery though irl it's only between my therapist and my dh and I.

I'm so embarrassed to even talk about it. My 17 mo ds and my unborn son are the reason I'm doing this, also I guess for myself as well. I just want to set an example for them.

Speaking of meds, are there any safe ones that I could take while bf? I mean in general? Litanyagainstfear I hope that day comes for you. I'm sooo excited for this support thread! Thanks Gerlassie for making it.
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#18 of 43 Old 07-17-2010, 01:19 AM
 
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I was bulimic from roughly 2000-2005...from ages 13-18 (with a brief slip-up when I was about 19)

To this day food is hard to handle when I get stressed out. I either lose my appetite totally or want to eat everything in sight until I'm stuffed sick.

I also started cutting in 2000...that's something I have yet to totally kick. The longest I've been able to go was one month shy of 2 years...and last Dec I lost control and ended my run. So, right now, I'm 7 months no self injury.


I haven't read the responses so forgive me if I repeat stuff.


It's hard to really talk about. I don't mind talking to DH because he always wanted to listen and learn more about what went on in my head...it actually helped me recover because then *I* was able to work through things.

I don't have a problem saying, "Oh, I used to have an ED." I don't do details, though. THAT is hard. It's even harder to discuss the SI because I haven't really licked it yet. (And I don't know that I ever will...when I get upset my first thought is to hurt myself)

I love that we can come talk here. It's refreshing.

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#19 of 43 Old 07-20-2010, 12:27 PM
 
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Hello mamas. I've been searching for a tribe such as this one on MDC for a while now. Can I join in?

I don't think I've ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I know I've struggled with my body image for the better part of my life. When I was a teen, I started dancing ballet more seriously and a year into my training, the lady who ran the studio started praising the girls who were thinner (i.e. had lost their baby fat); the girls all started starving themselves or purging in the bathroom before class. I was pretty skinny but having done competitive downhill skiing, I had a rather muscular lower body. I thought "big legs and butt = need to lose weight". For years, I tried to cut portions, exercising a lot, and skipping meals...because I wanted so much to look like those stick thin dancers.

To be honest, I wasn't a very successful anorexic because I was never able to get my weight down to below 103 lbs.

In my late 20s, I was involved with some seriously unhealthy people and I started cutting myself. It made me so ashamed but felt so good at the same time. It took some serious therapy and lots of struggling to throw away my "implements" and stop cutting. Sadly, I was involved with my then-abusive-bf, and my cutting turned into more starving. I was actually quite proud to be 105 lbs. Ick.

Eventually, with some counselling and a more "normal" life away from messed up people, I started to figure out that a healthy diet and exercise were a better alternative than starvation. I still workout out a lot on top of dancing, but I did things like the Zone diet, and those protein only diets.

When I got preggo with DD, I had MASSIVE morning sickness to the point of not being able to function at all. The medication I was given knocked me right out at night, but also increased my appetite threefold. I gained weight FAST, and I was very ashamed of myself. Part of it I think we due to the fact that we were poor, and I received free milk coupons, so I was constantly drinking 3% milk. The other part was going a bit nuts and telling myself to enjoy the opportunity to be "fat". It was quite liberating in a sense to let myself eat without worrying. One day, a woman in a pregnancy clothing store asked me if I was having twins. I'll never forget that comment. It hurt so much. I was 170 lbs when I gave birth. I still can't stand to look at the post-birth pics of me holding DD because my face is so swollen and unattractive. Definitely not a Vogue cover of some hollywood mom already looking-prebaby.

Where I am now is watching my eating vigilantly and trying to NOT step on a scale because I know I'll see that number (122 lbs right now) and freak out.
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#20 of 43 Old 07-21-2010, 05:00 PM
 
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Halfasianmomma welcome

I thought I'd come here and write my feelings to see if my ed settles down since I'm going through a horrible withdrawal. This is so embarrassing and hard for me.

I went to my gp and she said she thinks my ocd and pica are biological versus psychological, then when I was with my therapist and she disagreed. I basically said that I don't care but am willing to do whatever it takes to get over it. Though I am kind of leaning toward it being psychological. Maybe I never will get over it, I just need the tools to adjust. Don't know. Meanwhile my baby is kicking and I can't help but feel bad for everything I've put my body through and as a result I have no idea if he's suffering in there or not. I hope I can get through this hard part. Would anyone be willing to share their recovery and how they're happy now? Sorry about the rant, today is just one of those days....
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#21 of 43 Old 07-21-2010, 05:31 PM
 
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to you new posters! Welcome!

I don't know if I would call myself "recovered," but I'm definitely in the process. It's getting easier after months of work. It has well been worth the time and effort.
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#22 of 43 Old 07-21-2010, 10:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been hiding from pretty much everything. It been a rough and emotional week and I've been bingeing daily. I'm not too sure what my exact trigger was but to pin point the day(s) would be last Sunday. Meaning that I made it through some issues with my husband on Friday night and had a relatively peaceful Saturday and then I caved in.

I had a friend over while our husbands went to a game and she was in a mood to eat. I shamefully followed her lead and ate so much that I became ill. I felt pretty nasty for the rest of the day. By Monday morning I had kind of given up using my old excuse..."I should eat something before I get a headache".

The weird thing is that I'm NOT proud of my behavior but I'm also not carrying that disgusted feeling either. I'm so unhappy with what I see in the mirror and can't imaging spending another day this way but yet I continue on. I've been spending a great deal of time crying so I must be in pain but I can't quite put my finger on what's bothering me.

I also worry about what you ( the Tribe ) thinks of me. Believe it or not I don't care what the average person thinks of me but here it's a concern. I feel the need to say that I'm not a whale but I am over weight. I also try my best to hide it by wearing larger clothes.

Everything I'm doing to justify my addiction with food is really becoming too much for me to manage on my own. The daily readings from OA help me to reflect on my myself for the moment but not the whole picture of my world. But I guess that's the idea is to take one day at a time. But I feel like it's making things worse.
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#23 of 43 Old 07-22-2010, 10:34 AM
 
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You don't need to worry about what *I* think! You're brave for posting all this here.
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#24 of 43 Old 07-22-2010, 12:34 PM
 
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I've been hiding from pretty much everything. It been a rough and emotional week and I've been bingeing daily. I'm not too sure what my exact trigger was but to pin point the day(s) would be last Sunday. Meaning that I made it through some issues with my husband on Friday night and had a relatively peaceful Saturday and then I caved in.

I had a friend over while our husbands went to a game and she was in a mood to eat. I shamefully followed her lead and ate so much that I became ill. I felt pretty nasty for the rest of the day. By Monday morning I had kind of given up using my old excuse..."I should eat something before I get a headache".

The weird thing is that I'm NOT proud of my behavior but I'm also not carrying that disgusted feeling either. I'm so unhappy with what I see in the mirror and can't imaging spending another day this way but yet I continue on. I've been spending a great deal of time crying so I must be in pain but I can't quite put my finger on what's bothering me.

I also worry about what you ( the Tribe ) thinks of me. Believe it or not I don't care what the average person thinks of me but here it's a concern. I feel the need to say that I'm not a whale but I am over weight. I also try my best to hide it by wearing larger clothes.

Everything I'm doing to justify my addiction with food is really becoming too much for me to manage on my own. The daily readings from OA help me to reflect on my myself for the moment but not the whole picture of my world. But I guess that's the idea is to take one day at a time. But I feel like it's making things worse.


I seriously could've written your whole post. Except for me I care so much what people think of me irl as in here too. Also for me it's the opposite with food. I was doing good, and then Sunday came and I just didn't want to do anything, or eat anything, which made me more susceptible to cave in to my ocd (which I'm soooo embarrassed to talk about), which led to this week being rough. Then I get these thoughts like my baby is not okay, and the guilt kicks in and then I get scared that my baby will be born with a problem and because of that will be taken away from me. (I know that's not true, but I can't help these feelings). So I've also spent a great deal of this week crying. I'm just grateful that despite my issues with my dh is there for me to make sure I take my prenatals. Anyway I guess my point is that you're not alone. I'm really grateful you started this thread. It's helped me a lot, just by reading your stories and writing what I'm feeling gives me hope that I can get better.
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#25 of 43 Old 07-22-2010, 04:35 PM
 
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I did something stupid today. I got on a scale. Don't ask me why. I just HAD to know. It was depressing as heck.
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#26 of 43 Old 07-23-2010, 08:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you BRmama.

When I was younger I would check things over and over although I was never diag with any disorder. My mother didn't believe in professional help. She felt that she could manage me and by that I mean that I was constantly punished. I can remember doing things like checking to make sure the doors were locked and making sure the stove was off over and over. I had a routine where I would count to 20 checking each knob along the way...20 counts/20 touches to the knob. Even then I thought I was being a little odd.

When I learned how to starve myself I didn't go through my counting rituals, when I began my overeating I did.

I did something stupid but bordering on being quite funny ( at least to me )...The other night I was polishing off a 3 pound bag of chocolate. I know GROSS! I even wonder how it's possible without going into some sort of shock. Anyway, I heard little foot steps coming down the hall and since I was unwilling to share "my" goodies let alone get caught I shoved a large handful into my mouth and bit off the tip of my tongue. Not a hugh chunk but enough to say to myself that I had definitely hit a serious low. As I tried to pull myself together I thought that this was probably what I needed.

I think that I have been waiting for this moment. Weird but I needed to hurt myself to really see what I'm doing. BTW my tongue is healing nicely LOL!!!
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#27 of 43 Old 07-23-2010, 08:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I forgot to thank you too, halfasianmama. That was very kind of you!

I ditched my relationship with the scale last year. Those digital scales are brutally honest.
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#28 of 43 Old 07-25-2010, 01:16 AM
 
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Halfasianmomma that's why we don't own a scale at home. Ditching my scale was really hard but I felt really liberated once I did.

Gerlassie I have to say that was kind of funny and understandable (we're talking about chocolate yumm) , but I'm glad your tongue is healing. What I really crave all the time that I hate sharing is the sour patch kids . I love it! Anyway I just found out with my therapist one of my behaviors that I had no idea I was doing. Everytime I drive my car for anything I don't necessarily have to listen to music, but if I am checking the radio (and I am everytime) I have to absolutely check the stations here in chronological order from the smallest numbers to the big ones. I started driving at sixteen, and I'm 28. I know, weird. My whole family says I do this. So I'll go the whole trip without listening to music but just checking the stations or it throws me off completely. I'm also constantly making sure the books at home are in alphabetical order and making sure the total number of books is the same everyday. I did this and other things growing up too and my mom didn't really think much of it. I just got reprimanded more for my pica and ed.

I can't wait till my next therapy appt. I take everyday one day at a time, I just wish I could get better soon but I know I still have a long way to go
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#29 of 43 Old 07-28-2010, 04:20 PM
 
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Hi mamas...seems the thread has been quiet so I thought I'd revive it.

I can't ditch the scale, unfortunately, because it isn't mine. Or should I say...THEY aren't mine. I live with my parents, both of whom have cholesterol and high bp issues, so they work out and check their weight regularly. The scales are there...soooo inviting and damning all at once.

I haven't been able to restrict myself much lately. I tried skipping a meal last week and BINGO, huge migraine for my troubles. It took me several days of no activity and medication to get over it, so I know I can't skip meals. I've been really restricting what I eat instead, trying to make sure I don't have sweets, don't eat deserts or don't eat at night. It's very hard at home when there's tons of food lying around and it seems that I'm ALWAYS hungry. I try to drink lots of water, eat fruits, try to have some clean protein every meal, and ditch the treats. If I'm going to be sitting on my butt for 8 hours a day, and NOT exercising, because my DD won't let me out of her sight when I'm at home (and yes, because I'm lazy and depressed about my job), then I have to eat less.

I SO wish my life was different and I could do martial arts again. That REALLY got me in shape, burned all the fat and I suddenly didn't care about my weight...
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#30 of 43 Old 07-29-2010, 12:59 AM
 
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Maybe you can ask your parents if they wouldn't be willing to watch your DD while you work out/do martial arts -- exercise/physical activity can be an important element of battling depression.
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