Making friends as an adult - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 02:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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How have you met with the most success in making new friends as a post-college adult?

By friend, I mean someone to chat with on the phone or have coffee with, not just someone to say hello to when you see them out and about.

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#2 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 03:27 AM
 
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by being brutally honest.

by telling a alcoholic who was calling someone else an alcoholic that he was one too.

by letting my friend know that i think he art is like a teenagers.

by telling the person who invited me to coffee that i wasnt interested in dating.

by doing things that were important to me which totally shocked society.

i dont talk behind their back. i tell them that to their face. i tell them to back off when they are trying to force their way on me.

by never mincing my words. by giving my observation and never my opinion.

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#3 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 03:44 AM
 
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I've met most of my friends through my children's activities. When they were babies I went to LLL meetings, when they became older I met friends through school activities. I have also made an effort to become friends with my neighbors. You said post-college, so even though I have been post college for years and years now, I am not including the friends I've made going back to school
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#4 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 10:12 AM
 
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I wish I knew. I moved to a small town 5 years ago. I have joined different groups in my town, volunteered at my children's school, invited people over for BBQ, said yes to invitations. Not one friend made Plenty of people who say hi in passing.

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#5 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 10:17 AM
 
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Dumb blind luck. Ended up working (and sharing housing) with three fantastic women at a tiny village school. Somehow we just all clicked and have stayed friends. Then got randomly assigned to share an office with another great woman when I left the classroom for the big bad world of district office work... and we also clicked (and our dogs like each other, too!). We were both new to our jobs and new to town, so we had a lot in common and both needed a lot of help.

So I don't know how you're SUPPOSED to do it. I'm not a very social person... I just kind of lucked out.

Me+DH+DS1+DS2+Dog=me and a house full of guys, which is really just peachy, thanks.
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#6 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 10:32 AM
 
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Well, I know you have to get "out." Join committees, join a gym, etc.

And that's exactly what I lack, and how I have no friends after living in this town for 11 years.

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#7 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 11:47 AM
 
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well the majority I met through my midwife. She hosts big parties and potlucks a few times a year and I have met most people through her.

The other friends I have I made through work.

It took having a baby to make friends! Otherwise I have no idea how I would have had any friends.. making friends as an adult is HARD!

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#8 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 11:49 AM
 
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When my kids were little, I met most of my friends through LLL.

Then I met friends through HSing groups.

Most of the new friends I've made in the last year are either friends of friends or coworkers.

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#9 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 12:20 PM
 
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I wish I knew. I have never had more than 1 or 2 friends in adulthood. I moved from RI to FL 3.5 years ago.. and I knew 2 people who live in the state. They and one other person I met 3 years ago at work are the only friends I've made.
I am seeing a therapist at this point to deal with issues that are stress/anxiety and depression related and one of the big things she has asked me to do is get out and meet people at groups, etc. I can't find any groups that I have an interest in except 1 or 2 and I haven't been able to make it to them since we started the process 2 months ago.
I also just this week separated from my BF that I've been seeing for 3 years - he moved in in January of this year after dating 2.5 years and I asked him to move out Monday. Talk about feeling totally alone.
It doesn't help that anything there is to do here costs $ which I don't have since I'm out of work on FMLA to deal with my mental health issues and still waiting for short term disability to kick in - and that $ needs to pay the bills. UGH!

I wish I could meet people from a group that starts or is planned online - with people who enjoy doing the things I like - I would love to join a book club but most of what they read I have NO interest in... I also am severely obese so anything that's physical is OUT of the question. It's also something I need to work on... and joined Weight Watchers but had to stop because I couldn't afford the cost at this point.

Sorry for hijacking the thread - but I will be reading to see if someone comes up with ideas- I have checked out the local ads and meetup.com but found mostly nothing.

And my children are adults so playgroups are out.
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#10 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 12:31 PM
 
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I have had the good fortune of having a few very awesome intense friendships in my adulthood. One I met when I was 22 and met through a friend of a friend. She moved out of state shortly thereafter and we are still close, but don't have that best-friendship anymore due to the distance. The other I met online and she was out of state but we were very close and then we went our separate ways after a huge misunderstanding. Since then we've moved to a new town and I crave having a BFF like I had with those other women, and I haven't found my "it" girl We moved three years ago and started attending a great church with tons of women my age and I like all of them a lot, but haven't really found a great friend. Lots of people I could invite over for a playdate or even if I needed help, they would be there....but not BFF. I feel like i've lost my mojo since having kids!!

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#11 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 12:36 PM
 
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I met one at work. We immediately hit it off and became very close.

I am very close with DH's friend's wife, who I met when she started dating the friend.

I have met other women over the years that have been casual friends. Whenever we are at the same party or event, we hang together and chatter up a storm but I am really bad at making time to get together one-on-one for lunch or coffee. I just don't take that step to pick up the phone and say "hey, lets do something..."

Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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#12 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 01:06 PM
 
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this is one of my biggest issues. i fervently long for a friend to share life with: a girlfriend that i can share my passions with, talk too, and just be with. my dh is a great friend, but not a girlfriend ykwim...i haven't had a best friend since 4th grade. where i live, the women my age have all grown up together so they have such an established history, the moms i'd love to get to know don't work, so they have playgroups/activities during the day, and at work, i'm the youngest woman by 30+ years.

i don't know what to do? i just pray about it and try not to get too depressed

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#13 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 01:20 PM
 
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I met my closest friend in pre-natal class. We were the only two couples from our outskirt community (the class was 'in the city') and she invited me over for coffee after our babes were born. We really hit it off.

I have another good friend that I used to work with, in my life pre-child.

The rest of our good friends are all from church. There are lots of people that we socialize with, but our closest friends are from our small group / bible study. We have seven couples with eight kids under 4 between us, and two of the ladies are pregnant so it is great to be close with other young families. We meet once a week and hire a sitter to watch the kids in the basement while the adults chat, do bible study, and pray together. It is fantastic! I highly recommend looking into some kind of faith community for close adult relationships.

Wife to DH (06/10) and Mummy to DD (07/08).

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#14 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 02:35 PM
 
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Church, hands down. However, I would get involved in lots of stuff, stay after for coffee hour, and I also have absolutely no issues at all striking up conversations with people, even if I'm the new one.

I always at newer people at my church who after months complain they don't know anyone, don't have any friends in the congregation, etc. But upon asking a few questions, I find out they rarely stay for coffee hour, don't get involved in ANYTHING, won't even go up to people and introduce themselves.

You just can't show up, you have to make some effort.

I also like having friends in a wide range of ages. I have single friends my age (early 40s), but then I also have married friends (with kids) who are 10-15 years younger than I, as well as very good friends 10-15 years older. One lady I love dearly is 77!

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#15 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 02:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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By "post-college" I mean, that I am well into my 30's. Well into.
My family and I just moved across the country from the NYC area to a small island in the Pacific Northwest and it's a lot different here. It's beautiful here and I love it but I've been having a difficult time adjusting to the lack of friends. I have always been very involved with LLL so I do that here as well, I have joined a hs'ing group. We go to a farmers market every weekend and talk to everyone, I go to the library and try to strike up conversations.

From the hs'ing group I have certainly met some people and we chat but I don't know how to go from chatting out in public to actual friends. My children are still very young, most of the hs'ers children are older, and I am a much older mom than many of the others in this area with children my age.

Why is it that making friends as an adult is more difficult (in some ways) than dating?

I am so grateful for the responses - I'm sorry that some others are having a difficult time as well though.

Michelle
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#16 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 03:08 PM
 
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Wish I knew! There's nothing around here if you don't go to church or send your kids to public school.

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#17 of 57 Old 07-14-2010, 05:02 PM
 
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Most through work, friends of friends, and children's activites.
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#18 of 57 Old 07-15-2010, 09:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wish things were different, because I've been feeling very lonely (well, as lonely as one can feel with two wonderful children and a great husband).

I know that I should be grateful for how much I do have instead of focusing on what I don't, but I truly wish for some local friends.

Michelle
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#19 of 57 Old 07-15-2010, 10:26 PM
 
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I'm hoping to meet some friends through work. I didn't retain any of my highschool or university friends. I'm good friends with my next door neighbour, but that's mostly through the association of living nearby.

My partner and I are having difficulty meeting other 'two mama' families (as my seven year old puts it) and while it's not necessary to be queer to hang out with us (haha) it'd be nice to meet other people, to have other families similar to us to model for my kids.

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#20 of 57 Old 07-16-2010, 12:28 AM
 
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The internet! Check out your tribe. I bet there's a bunch of lonely mamas looking for friendship. I met my best friend online (on another baby community) and although we live a few hours from each other, we still get together a few times a year and talk on the phone all the time. She's the only one that really "gets" my parenting style.

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#21 of 57 Old 07-16-2010, 01:04 AM
 
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I made a great friend at DD's pre school who has the same kind of ideas about stuff as i do. Another place I made a friend at is the yoga studio I attend. Also, one at work who I can really call and talk to anytime.

Deb, Mom to Madeleine 8/2005 and Maia 11/2009 Nick: and Chris
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#22 of 57 Old 07-16-2010, 03:43 AM
 
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Mostly through mutual interest groups, like internet mailing lists or local meetings. My 3 best adulthood friends all keep the same breed of dog that I do, that I have shown/raised for over 20 years One I met on the internet when rehoming a dog (she got her), one I met at a sheep show (we'd heard about each other through a mutual friend, who raised the same rare breed of sheep - we'd bought ours from her - who I'd discovered, via internet, to live only a few miles away - the dogs are sheep guards, hence the connection), & the 3rd was a neighbor who had similar interests, ended up buying a dog from me, later co-owning another dog from me, & we helped out with each others' litters.

I also have a few more casual friends that I met through spinners/knitters groups - that I found out about via internet, but take place locally, and some friends I met at the local dog training club.

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#23 of 57 Old 07-16-2010, 04:55 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tradd View Post
You just can't show up, you have to make some effort.
So OP, I see you're involved in some groups and have people to chat with. But I think that in order to move from acquaintance to friendship, you have to go further. Have you tried calling any of the other moms on the phone? Have you invited anyone to your home for a playdate or a family dinner? Have you tried to organize a mom's night out?

I know it can be hard to go outside of your comfort zone. I've always considered myself to be an introvert. But then I realized that I wanted friends so I'd need to pursue the friendships. So I make it a point to invite people out. If they say yes, GREAT! And if it doesn't work out, I don't let myself get upset about it.

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#24 of 57 Old 07-16-2010, 05:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SuburbanHippie View Post
The internet!
I do not think I have met many people as an adult that I can call a friend who I did not meet through the internet.

Including my husband!

One good thing is, because I am now a military spouse... I will likely be moving a LOT over the next 12/13 years or so... but I know a lot of people near each of the bases we could be stationed at to hang out with IRL.

Down here, in NC, I have two, one who is close enough to visit with several times a week (shes only about 15 minutes away... and was actually looking at getting the house we eventually got before we did!) and the other is close enough for a nice visit every couple months (about 45 minutes away)

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#25 of 57 Old 07-17-2010, 01:55 AM
 
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You could try inviting those people you're meeting to something. Coffee, park with the kids, etc. I know it probably isn't easy & you'd have to gauge the individual person to see how they'd respond. Since you just moved, you could ask about local sites/interesting places & then when they suggest something ask them if they'd like to join you. If you're feeling really daring, you could host a housewarming party for yourself (not for the gifts - maybe call it something else) & invite people to your house.

I also find it hard to make new friends. I have a hard time following my own advice. I think it's harder as adults b/c we're all in different places in our lives. Some people already have enough friends, some are lonely. But, you can't tell that just by looking!

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#26 of 57 Old 07-17-2010, 04:41 AM
 
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Hmm. Post-uni, I can only think of a couple of friends I've made, and only one I'd call semi-close (as in, we think on similar wavelengths about a lot of things and enjoy each others' company). The others are more friendly acquaintance, occasional playdate, don't discuss certain topics friends. All through my quite small church.

However, post-uni I've rekindled a lot of friendships with people I only slightly knew at work or uni years ago. So they're new "friends", but not "new" friends, you know? Two of my closest friends are from my old job, working at the movies - one also went to uni with me. We were friendly at work, but now we have a weekly singing group at my house, watch movies together and go together to the few shows my city ever has. I'm not really a super-best-friendy, Sex In The City BFF-type person; I doubt I'll ever be a bridesmaid, and if I ever feel the need to weep on someone's shoulder it's DH's, not a female friend's... but these two girls are pretty cool and we get along really well. I can see us being there for each other if one of us got cancer or something, you know? (Morbid much...)

So yeah, if there's someone you liked pretty well from way back, but didn't get close to because you were in different life circumstances, too busy or whatever, you could try to reconnect. In some ways it's easier than starting from scratch.

ETA: I'm now also quite close with DH's two best guy friends, one of whom is actually living with us at the moment. We have a fortnightly poker game. They're all single, love my cooking and enjoy DD, so it's cool. They and my two girl friends are geeky, which helps - I have a hard time being friends with non-geeky people. Even if we really like each other, we tend to run out of things to say. I reconnected with one friend at another's wedding because we were both pregnant - we got along really well during our pregnancies and birth, but once the immediacy of child-having was gone, we really didn't have much to talk about. Which is fine, but not terribly lasting, you know? Sometimes "nice" just isn't enough to sustain a friendship!

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#27 of 57 Old 07-17-2010, 09:35 AM
 
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Before I had a child, I made most of my friends by belonging to an 'interest' group. Or by going to events that had that same interest as the focus.

I'd occasionally make friends with someone if kept going to the same cafe all the time. You get to know some of the regulars. You'd chat and it could sometimes lead to a friendship.

After having a child, I've made most of my friends through local 'real life' groups. One is town related, the other is Mom related. Both of those groups have events and I would meet other moms through that.

I did make one new friend by posting on the tribe group here! She had just moved to my area and we got together. We became instant friends.

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#28 of 57 Old 07-18-2010, 04:56 AM
 
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It's hard making friends. I think because you aren't thrust together with the same large group of people all the time so there is lots of time to make friends, and people to make friends with.

I have three pretty good friends now and a few others who I'm making friends with/friends with but spend less time with. Honestly though, I don't spend that much time with any of my friends. No weekly coffee dates or anything (ha, a coffee date. like coffeeshops are affordable at the moment.) I see one friend most weeks at synogogue, but we don't always get a chance to talk, sometimes we do sometimes we don't. Another friend, I see her when we go dancing monday nights. It's not that we go dancing together, we go dancing at the same place, and always spend part of the evening catching up, but mostly dancing. (often we'll catch up after the dancing is over for a little while).

I made most (well, really all) of three close friends through work. (where I started out volunteering and then working). One of them is actually the wife of a former co-worker, who I then ran into at synogogue. I think I started out by getting to know them in the public sphere and then just taking the jump. Inviting them to do something. With one friend, we cooked bagels together the first time we got together outside of work. Another, I asked to come see her baby chicks. Another invited me for shabbat dinner. I try to keep in mind that most people have a hard time making friends as adults and are happy to make friends and be invited to do things. And I have courage to keep doing the inviting even if they are crazy busy and don't get back to me much and don't invite me as often as I invite them. (not always the case but sometimes). I'd say outside of dancing/synogogue/work (I don't see any of them daily at work, but sometimes they pop by for a few minutes for various things and I say hi) I see one of the three... 1-2 times a month? plus I visit with another friend maybe every few months.

I'd like to see them more often, but it's hard, we're busy. (and one friend has literally the opposite work schedule of mine. like, if our work is open, if I'm not working, she is, as we're the two primary people who do our job. 6 days a week, one of us is working). I'm still learning. I'm going to try to make last minute plans more, since the friend I visited today said she is usually home in the evenings and loves to have people drop by.

Also, don't limit yourself to your age folks. all of my friends are older than me. Most are... 5-10 years? 5-15 years older? A few are 40+ years older than me. and yeah, going to synagogue is a great place to meet people.

Caroline, partner to J, post partum doula, kitchen manager, aspiring midwife, soon to be nursing student, mama to my furbaby, someday a mama to not so furry munchkins, G-d willing
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#29 of 57 Old 07-18-2010, 07:08 AM
 
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I seem to the type of person that tons of folks like to know but still never gets invited to anything. It's really hard. I moved away from a city I finally had a few friends in to marry and live with my army husband and have struggled with the isolation for years now.
Without kids when most folks I know are having them makes me miss my kidless friends in SF even more.
Now we are finally having kids in Jan we are moving again. I don't like were I live in the middle of nowhere but at least here I am two hours away from some eery close friends of the past that I was so looking forward to rebounding with now that I would have kids too.
Instead we are moving across the in tire country, to a city that seems fun to live in, I really miss a city, but away from everyone I even remotely know. I feel like I'm going to be so isolated with twin newborns and a winter on the east coast.

It only makes it harder because hubby seems fine with only hanging out with me, he'll I had to kick him out of the house this weekend so he would spend the weekend with his best friend before we move.


So basically I have no idea how to meet folks, I seem outgoing so they never consider that I am shy and could use a hand.
Sorry I'm rambling. (and crying now) this is a huge issue for me right now

partners.gif 2twins.gif  So what if I don't fit cleanly into a defined parenting style, my kids don't fit into a personality archetype either!

 
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#30 of 57 Old 07-18-2010, 09:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by •Adorkable• View Post
So basically I have no idea how to meet folks, I seem outgoing so they never consider that I am shy and could use a hand.
Sorry I'm rambling. (and crying now) this is a huge issue for me right now


Have you posted in the local (area you are moving to) tribe on here?
It could be the start of something fabulous!

Independent Consultant- Thirty One Gifts www.mythirtyone.com/ShopLiz

Origami Owl http://lizcioci.origamiowl.com

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