Constant worrying in newish relationship? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 7 Old 07-19-2010, 06:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been in this relationship for 8 months with a wonderful man. We have great communication and spend lots of time together. Things are just really really good. The problem is that well, with my XH he was my first (first everything pretty much) and I guess that was comfortable to me. Now I am with someone who has (to be expected) had other relationships and intimate relationships besides with me. I know it sounds silly, but it feels like it hurts me. It bothers me that other women "have a piece" of him. If that makes sense. I always worry the worst things possible, that he still cares for them, thinks about them etc. Please tell me this will go away or it's normal and it does get better. We have talked seriously about marriage and it is on both of our minds in the future. We want to have a strong christian loving marriage, and I need to work through this before I can continue to think about that.

~Allyson~
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#2 of 7 Old 07-20-2010, 12:22 AM
 
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Are you typically the worrying sort, or is this new?
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#3 of 7 Old 07-20-2010, 12:37 AM
 
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get over it. so he had other relationships... so did you! he is choosing to be with you, not the others; that's actually a compliment!

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#4 of 7 Old 07-20-2010, 10:29 AM
 
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I know how you feel! I live with my DP, we have been together for over a year, and sometimes I still worry. I recognize, though, that it is my own insecurities, not anything that I should actually be worrying about. So I try to push it out of my head, and it actually has gotten better for me. My DP had one serious long term relationship before me and I used to worry that if she came back to town, he would realize he still had feelings for her. And she had his history. But he has assured me that he loves me so much more, and we are such a better couple, than he was with her. So yes, it does get better. And yes, it is perfectly normal.
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#5 of 7 Old 07-20-2010, 01:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lolar2 View Post
Are you typically the worrying sort, or is this new?
I think that this is a good question. I have had relationships in the past where the other person's actions/attitudes/words drove me to worry about these things--and with good reason. Be wise to what he does--does he constantly talk about past relationships when the topic is about something else. In other words, are you say, gardening, and he suddenly says: Susie was the best gardener in the world. I just loved the way she...
That kind of behavior to me is a problem.
I was once with a guy who constantly constantly commented on other women when we were out in public or constantly bring up his former loves for no reason. It killed the relationship. I had never been with a guy who just randomly would say: that woman is so beautiful! She has beautiful--fill in the blank.
I've never been with a guy like that since then...

However, if you know that this is just part of your personality and he's not doing anything subtle or overt--then you can work on it with him, talk to friends or get help from other sources.
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#6 of 7 Old 07-20-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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You don't mention whether he's actually in contact or not with his ex-girlfriends, and the terms on which the relationships with them ended. To be honest, if I had a bf who *didn't* get along with at least one or two ex-gfs, or who *didn't* think fondly of them from time to time, I'd seriously wonder about his ability to forge healthy relationships (healthy breakups are definitely part of healthy relationships). Thinking fondly of them does not mean he'd rather be with them. They did break up for a reason, after all.
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#7 of 7 Old 07-20-2010, 03:59 PM
 
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Also, having "a past" is a good thing in that it allowed him time to try on different relationships with different types of women to understand what it is that really works for him.
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