Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I'm Positively thinking Positive!
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
2 years ago I felt like Superwoman. I had finally achieved my goal to be a foster parent, and I was working 50+ hours a week bringing in pretty good money. I had my own money and my own car. My kids were hyper, but pretty well adjusted, and we spent lots of time doing fun things like fishing and camping. I was very GD, co slept with my boys, and was still nursing my 4 year old.
However, my marriage was rapidly deteriorating. After several years, I was pretty much done trying. I was convinced that most of the stress in my marriage was related to my job, and I let my XDH convince me to quit. I was suposed to start my own photography business, and everything was going to be allright again.
Well, it wasn't. After I gave up my job (and my independence), I realized that my job was never to blame, and after giving it another go for a year, I was just done, and got a divorce.
I have never found another good job that pays my bills. This past year has been wonderful in a few ways (I met my current DP who has just been a lifesaver, in more ways than one), but also devestating. I had a year of anxiety with my X threatening to take my kids away from me, applying and never getting jobs, finally getting a job but getting fired because someone was stealing and I was the last one hired (they eventually fired the real perp, but I was never offered my job back), and 2 weeks before Christmas my children and I were evicted from our home because we got behind in rent. Just recently my car was repossessed because I couldnt make the payments.
I got hired on to set up a retail store, and was praised on how hard I was working the whole way through, but didnt get picked to stay on at the store. Instead, a little 16 year old who screwed up a lot of things during set up was chosen. That was a real kick in the teeth for me, I NEEDED that job, I deserved that job, I worked harder than anyone.
I feel so defeated. I don't have any energy anymore to try. I have lined up therapy for my kids starting next month, but I cannot go because I have no insurance.
My DP has been killing himself working overtime to support me and my kids. I love him for it, and hate myself for being so weak and unable to support my own family, as I once did. The money I earned from my job went straight into a car that I bought, but I cannot drive it because it needs to be fixed. That car was supposed to be my saving grace, so I could start my business and earn money too. Using one car is not a possibility, because my DP drives 50 miles one way to work, and the gas alone is killing us.
I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel so weak, I just want to crawl into bed and not wake up again. I have lost all my strength, and I dont have any friends left, so there is no support system. How can I get back to the strong, positive woman that I was 2 years ago?