i really need support or help or something! i think my godson may be getting molested - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 26 Old 08-12-2010, 08:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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LONG story short my godson's father had confided in me years ago that his father molested him and his brother for years until his mom finally left him. SIL and BIL got divorced. SIL was on drugs now x-BIL has full custody of my godson/nephew. so whatever is best for my godson right? yeah great...recently found out x-BIL made up with his father and now he and my godson are LIVING with this man.
when i found out i freaked out and told SIL she needs to do something about this. She said now x-BIL is claiming his father never molested or physically abused him and they have a wonderful relationship now blah blah blah. she "supposedly" went to court and told the judge about the alleged molestation of x-BIL and the judge "supposedly" flipped out on her and said if ANYONE makes a false report against x-BIL again she would no longer get parental rights....
Now as far as what's normal for a 3 y/o im not sure. apparently he has had this man in his life for over a year now (unbenounced to me). Last time i saw him i had DD with me and it was hot out so she was only in a dipe and i went to change her and he said baby naked let me hold her in bed...i was like why would you do that? and he said idk and i said does someone hold you naked in bed? and he laughed and ran away...about six months prior to this he did not speak one word but attacked me dog one day, held him down and humped his butt and his face looked angry and bright red..it scared the life out of me and i told his mom right away and she laughed...also if you lay in a bed with him with the lights off (like to go to sleep) he starts moaning (this is what his mom told me)
so i may be blowing it out of proportion but still the way i see it if there is a CHANCE then i should call DCF right?
then there is the issue of DPs family they are all going to hate me. idk why they are just like that. the way we grew up DCF was the "enemy" KWIM? anyways i told my godson's mom i wanted to call DCF and she was like i doubt he's doing anything to him...and her mom (his grandma) told me to stay out of it b/c im going to ruin everything for SIL.
i told DP i am doing it and he said he wants nothing to do with it.
so what do you all think? words of advice? do you think im crazy?

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#2 of 26 Old 08-12-2010, 08:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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also can you call DCF without knowing an address?

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#3 of 26 Old 08-12-2010, 09:31 PM
 
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Do you have a location/full names/phone number? I'm sure they'd want to help, but I'm not sure they could without knowing where the child is.

And I would definitely call. Who cares who's mad at you if it saves the little boy? They'll get over it, he won't if he's being molested (& it sure sounds like a possibility)

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#4 of 26 Old 08-12-2010, 10:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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right i am calling. i mean i dont care about how they feel he is most important. i only know his dads name and what town they live in i dont even have a number. i know DCF has been there before though, well i think to make sure he had his own room and what not.

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#5 of 26 Old 08-12-2010, 11:20 PM
 
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I would absolutely call. I have watched many, many 3 year olds and have never seen those behaviors. If you have his fathers full name and the city, they can easily figure out the rest.

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#6 of 26 Old 08-12-2010, 11:44 PM
 
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I'd quit telling them you're going to call and then call anyways. The only kid I ever knew to pretend to hump a dog was one that I babysat for when she lived with the family that was trying to adopt her. She had been taken away from being molested repeatedly. If his dad had molested both him and his brother he'll do it again. He's probably on his best behavior around his grown son now because that way he has access to his next victim, his grandson. People who molest don't just quit one day. They just sometimes get better at hiding their crime.

The reason I said that you should quit telling the family that you'll call is because if they know it's you, they could make a united front and say that you're just trying to cause trouble and many other lies to discredit you. Then the cps or police won't ever believe you. Don't give them that chance. I've known too many people like that so it can happen.
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#7 of 26 Old 08-13-2010, 12:58 AM
 
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I think if it was reported they will have to have the child go through a special center and they will figure out if they think he is being molested. I don't think it is something they will just take the adults word on.

My daughter was molested around the age of 5yo and while she didn't tell me for yrs it was the hardest call to make. For one I didn't want to believe that it could be true and for two because the boy who did it was family.

It was the best call I ever made. They are both getting counceling and while yes the family is still to this day pissed at me that couldn't be the reason I didn't seek help for my DD and this boy (teen) as well.

Good luck, I wish you strength and keep us posted on what happens.

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#8 of 26 Old 08-13-2010, 11:53 AM
 
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Another vote for "Absolutely call!" As much identifying info as you can give is key, so the agency has the best chance of finding them.

The humping the dog and the "moaning" in bed (if that part is accurate) are definitely very concerning signs. They don't mean he's being molested "for sure", but they are definitely red flags to follow up on.

And as someone else said, molesters do NOT just "stop" one day. Maybe the grandfather got help and is doing better... but that is highly unlikely. Almost never happens without court/agency intervention.

You are doing the right thing by calling. Please let us know what happens.

And to the degree your DP knows you called and gives you a hard time or the family finds out and gives you a hard time, my personal advice to you wuold be you should keep asking them why they think it's ok that their nephew (or son or whatever relation the boy is to the person giving you grief) is showing signs of sexual abuse? Ask them why they are willing to turn a blind eye to that. Don't get into how you feel about it or that you felt bad etc, because that won't mean anything to them if they're trying to defend their family. Keep it to the behavior he did and the history of abuse you know about, and ask them why they think it's ok to take the chance that it's happening and not do anything? Put it on them.
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#9 of 26 Old 08-13-2010, 05:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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this is probably going to sound really stupid but i feel very afraid to call. i have a pit in my stomach. what if they send him to a foster home? would they do that? i was in foster care and it was horrible, also my friend was molested in foster care. so if he's not being molested then what if he gets molested by me trying to help? im sure that sounds ridiculous.
it sucks too that im going to call then his father will say my father never molested me even though i know he told me he did, told his wife that too then turned around and said it was a lies from his mom and he was brainwashed by her to believe these things happened. idk i will call im just terrified for some reason. i know it's best for him and i need to be strong for him b/c even if its not happening at least it can be investigated and if it is he will get help and get away from it. i feel so sorry for him like no one is advocating for him. i kept trying to convince his mom to call i guess...she said she was going to have him seen by a Dr to see if there was any signs of abuse and a psychiatrist and blah blah blah, sounded promising but here we are 2 months later and she has done nothing.
i need to do this i just wish i had someone backing me up IRL

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#10 of 26 Old 08-13-2010, 06:07 PM
 
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OP, you need to do it. You may be the only chance this little boy has at getting out of an abusive place. I'm rooting for you and you godson. Keep us updated.

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#11 of 26 Old 08-13-2010, 06:11 PM
 
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Please don't doubt yourself or make excuses why not to call human services. Your nephew needs someone to check on his well-being. As LROM pointed out, his behaviors point to something not being right in his life. Having witnessed disturbing behavior from the child and knowing what you do about his dad's history with the grandfather, you are basically obligated to call to report your concern. You can ask to remain anonymous. You can do it- please do, because your nephew cannot. MDC is here for you when you need support.

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#12 of 26 Old 08-13-2010, 06:32 PM
 
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His mom is taking the easy way out and pretending nothing is happening. That's how kids keep getting molested. It's not just the molester that keeps this behavior up but the families that they can exist in. A molester wouldn't last long in a family unit that would believe the victim and send the perpetrator packing (or hopefully to prison) at the evidence of abuse. An abuser needs a family that's willing to overlook the obvious and he has it. The members of that family have been trained since day 1 to be participants whether they realize it or not. Grampa wouldn't have gotten away with it all these years in any other kind of family. It may take someone from outside the family to step in, one that hasn't been brainwashed to protect the perpetrator.
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#13 of 26 Old 08-13-2010, 06:54 PM
 
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I swear I just had a deja vu moment while reading this post. Maybe that's a sign that this is extra important? Please call, OP. This boy needs you to be strong for him.

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#14 of 26 Old 08-13-2010, 07:19 PM
 
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From my understanding of it if there is family they can have him stay with they will do that over sticking him in foster care. I know they don't just yank kids out of the home and stick them with strangers if they can help it. Also there are bad foster families but there are lots of wonderful foster families as well. My parents were foster parents when I was growing up and they were loved and given everything we were. You can't worry about that at this point That little boy needs your help, you are the only one even considering helping him. Please don't let him down! This is more important than ever and I am begging you. From a mama of a sexually abused little girl.

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#15 of 26 Old 08-13-2010, 10:40 PM
 
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I completely understand why you are afraid to call (not that I have had your experiences) and I hope your fears are eased and you have peace after you make the call. You can not go off of "what if's", you have to go off of what you know about his situation... and those things strongly point to abuse. I hope you find strength to make the call in the next day or two. We would love to keep supporting you through this.

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#16 of 26 Old 08-14-2010, 01:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i AM calling today. i got the 24hr hotline number to report abuse and what not. i called my bff who is coming over with her DD to support me and so the kids can be occupied. i talked to DP last night and i told him i needed his support in doing this. he said i should just do it annonymously (which i was going to anyway) but he will support me. hes a bit afraid it will cause WWIII between me and his family as well but oh well. if they want to be ignorant to the situation at hand then that is there decision i am not going to sit back and let something like this happen if it is and evern if it is not seriously HE'S LIVING with this guy!! hello DCF needs to make his father move out of there anyways b/c a 3 y/o boy living with an "accused" child molestorer is not ok period!
now i knoe his father was never officially charged with anything but at the very least there is something about it in the divorce decree. they can not just let him live there even if the previously abused is now denying it. i wonder if there were any hospital record from the physical abuse at least...idk though.
i also know the grandfather is an alcoholic and from what i have heard he's into pills too. even that is grounds for getting him out of there IMO. i just hope to God they help him. im so worried about him.

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#17 of 26 Old 08-14-2010, 02:58 PM
 
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Let us know how it goes when you take this brave and VERY necessary step. We're rooting for you & your nephew!
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#18 of 26 Old 08-14-2010, 05:31 PM
 
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So glad to hear! We are all here for you and you ARE doing the right thing!

Strength to you!

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#19 of 26 Old 08-14-2010, 09:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OMFW i call and i say i know i child i think may be being molested. the woman says to me did you SEE the molestation? i said no but then explained everything..she says to me we can't just go to every house of alleged abusers. we need proof and besides we cant help you at all without an address so when you get an address and maybe some more proof you can call us back.

like seriously?!?!?! i explained about what x-BIL said about his father and how he humped my dog and the moaning all of that and she tells me i need proof? wtf is wrong with these people?!?! no wonder so many kids keep getting abused they dont care! what do i do now?

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#20 of 26 Old 08-14-2010, 09:30 PM
 
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Yikes, sometimes the system is part of that disfunctional family I was talking about. I guess if it were me I'd ask what exactly would be proof in this case, an admittance by the perpetrator or three adult male witnesses? Maybe call back on another day or at another time and hope you get a less jaded person answering. Also everyone in the system has a superior maybe get a hold of that person, at least they'll see YOU'RE taking this seriously so maybe that will get them to look into it.
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#21 of 26 Old 08-14-2010, 10:23 PM
 
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I would try the non emergency police number. I have had better luck with that. Sorry that is how it played out when you had gotten enough courage to make the call. I hope something/someone/somehow helps this little boy.

~Katie~ married to J, mom to DD- A 13 yrs ,DS- L 7yrs , and my little nursling DD2- R 5yrs.

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#22 of 26 Old 08-16-2010, 10:00 AM
 
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not pictures. only words. extremely traumatic to watch. but please educate yourself. it is happening far too regularly to sweep under the carpet.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...110182503533#]

Breaking the Silence

Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post
she "supposedly" went to court and told the judge about the alleged molestation of x-BIL and the judge "supposedly" flipped out on her and said if ANYONE makes a false report against x-BIL again she would no longer get parental rights....
OP these few lines reminded me of the above PBS Documentary.

with those words from the judge ... i would say pay heed to what they say.

there is a chance your world might be turned upside down. if you proceed i would say first try to get a hold of the groups mentioned in the video.

pedophiles are not the only ones who hurt our children. our legal system is committing a sort of pedophilia too.

i was blind, naive till my friend went thru this.

good luck!!!!

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#23 of 26 Old 08-16-2010, 12:01 PM
 
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Ugh. That is horrifying, OP. With my own experience with CPS and the stories I hear on the forum, I truly question the ability (or willingness) of CPS to do anything for a child until they are suffering from physical abuse with lots of bruises and broken bones. It is disgusting. I am so proud of you for calling, though. I agree with a pp that the police might be the next best option. Don't let this deter you. You are a strong woman for doing what is right.

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#24 of 26 Old 08-16-2010, 12:31 PM
 
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Ok it completely is awful that the woman who answered your call was so incredibly unhelpful. BUT I have 4 bits of advice:

1) Is there anything you can do to get an accurate address? Have you done any basic internet searches, or looked at the online yellow pages - anything to try to track down an address?

2) Call again. I swear, it is amazing how 2 different intake people sometimes respond to the same information. You might give the exact same info and another worker will take the call. I think it'll help a lot to have the address though.

3) Think about how you described it on the first call. If you didn't do this already, make sure you lead off with the fact that the child is only __ yrs old (is it 3?), and is making and doing sexual things that are simply inappropriate for a child that age. That's how you feel about what you know, that's how many of us who heard your description feel, so don't worry that you're not a professional expert on child development or something. It's ok to say clearly and definitively what YOU think. It's up to CPS to look into it and figure out if they agree or not.

4) If you call back and get a 2nd similarly unhelpful person, don't hang up without asking them - calmly - what else you should do since them refusing to take this report means a child who is acting out sexually in totally inappropriate ways and is living with a pedophile is still in danger. Ask them what else you should do since they're lack of response is leaving him in that situation. SOMETIMES - not always, but sometimes - that makes them listen to you a 2nd time.

You are brave and wonderful for trying. I am hoping you just got a sucky intake person, but I can also understand a bit how they may feel like it's not enough to go on, especially without an address. But if you can track down an address and call again, and focus on the general fact that it's a 3 yr old acting inappropriately and showing signs of molestation, then give all the details you know, then at least you've given it the best shot you can with CPS.

Best of luck, still totally and completely rooting for you and your nephew and the whole family to recover from all their pains and issues. Take care!
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#25 of 26 Old 08-16-2010, 12:42 PM
 
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if BIL or his father own the house that they are living in, and either you or SIL know the county they live in; you can do search for <county name> apprasials. I can pull up the address of nearly anyone that way.

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#26 of 26 Old 08-16-2010, 12:49 PM
 
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Great creative idea!
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