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#1 of 20 Old 08-30-2010, 04:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure what forum this belongs on. It doesn't seem to fit in parent's as partners. I really contemplated grief/loss forum but I figured it would get moved. This seems like the best place.

My husband and I seperated in January, I didn't actually physically leave him until March. When we first seperated I was still in love with him, I was lonely, I was depressed. We were still sleeping with each other, because it was the only way we could connect without fighting, and I allowed myself to stay stuck in this cycle of self hatred, pity, remorse. I didn't have a job and was living off of savings. I really had no desire to get ahead, I was too depressed.

Now I am working on moving forward. I am actively job searching and I feel good about being offered a job by the end of this week. I thought my husband and I were beginning to communicate better, but I cannot get over the fact that he has a new girlfriend.

This is the only thing holding me back from completely moving forward. It eats at me, it makes me sick, it makes me cry. It causes us to fight. He didn't even tell me that they were really together until today after I had sex with him in his home where she is staying with him at. Until now he always denied it. I know his intentions were not to hurt me or use me but he knew I was afraid to do it because having sex with him is very confusing for me. Now I have this feeling of sadness again. Not as strong as before because I am beginning to realized that I cannot take anything personally.

I am grieving. Not exactly grieving the loss of my husband... but the loss of my marriage and the future we had planned together.

I don't really know anyone who has been through this, so no one can relate to me in terms of a marriage ending and moving on there after. It would be better if I didn't have to communicate with him anymore, but for the sake of our daughter, that is not a possibilty.

Words of advice, encouragement, etc are greatly appreciated.

Thank you!
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#2 of 20 Old 08-30-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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I never post on MDC b/c technically I'm not a mom...I lost my baby...However, I read here daily, hours a day (eek!) and have for years...and I just could not read and not post to you...I, too, lost my marriage...circumstances very different, however...

One thing you wrote really made me come out of lurkdom to hopefully shed some light on your perspective...You said that you " know his intentions were not to hurt me or use me" in regards to having sex with you, in his home that he now shares with his girlfriend...while remaining married to you. I hope you realize that he IS using you...and it IS hurting you. I can tell you still love him deeply, and that is understandable, but allowing him to continue to abuse your sense of self, because that's what's happening, is something you should take control of immediately...

He is using you to get off while you are there crumbling inside and giving yourself to him to fill the void that has been created by your separation. You CAN do this withOUT him...you can move on, learn, heal, and find someone worthy of your love and devotion. I could write at length re: this...but I will leave it at this.

I hope you can take a step back, re-examine this, and take a step forward toward healing...every little step counts...and believe me, I know how hard it is. Best wishes to you...

Momma to one and 3 furbabies, one resting free of pain at the Rainbow Bridge
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#3 of 20 Old 08-31-2010, 08:00 AM
 
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The end of a relationship is always painful. Take good care of yourself.

"If you truly love nature, you will find beauty everywhere." -Vincent Van Gogh
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#4 of 20 Old 08-31-2010, 11:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He is using you to get off while you are there crumbling inside and giving yourself to him to fill the void that has been created by your separation. You CAN do this withOUT him...you can move on, learn, heal, and find someone worthy of your love and devotion.
I do see this. He has always been able to manipulate my emotions for some reason. I am a lot more emotionally stable when he is not around me and when I am not talking to him. He tells me that because I can't accept his girlfriend and that I don't want to meet her, that I don't really love him. If I loved him I would be happy for him and my jealousy is childish. Ugh, it's very painful to hear him tell me this. Everything inside of me is telling me he is wrong but it is confusing and it hurts. So, how do I move on and heal? Avoid contact with him? I'm so angry right now and I don't know how to deal with that emotion either.
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#5 of 20 Old 08-31-2010, 01:31 PM
 
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Subliime, WHAT!? in the world is he talking about? How can he expect you to meet and accept the gf he ruined your marriage over? That is very unreasonable and childish of HIM, not you! You do not need to have contact w him unless it is regarding visits w DD (and would prolly be better for everyone involved if you don't bc as you say, you are in a better place emotionally when he's not around). And you definitely do not need to meet and accept the gf! He has a lot of gall to suggest it. You're not his sister, you're his WIFE-- you have no obligation to extend a hand of friendship and love to "the other woman"!!! Or even to meet her. I am having a hard time respecting your husband or rather STBX, although I try to respect all people.



So sorry you're going thru this and w a very selfish man.

So glad your DD has you bc you seem emotionally available and kind and loving, and her daddy just destroyed her world as she knows it in his own selfishness-- he certainly was not considering what's best for her or his family when he did so.

Please try to find someone supportive IRL to tt. It helps so much even if their situation is not exactly the same. Many many women are divorced, and each situation is different, but most of us experience similar pain. You will feel the need to tell what is happening in detail again and again until you work thru it, so find a friend who is a good listener or a supportive and kind counselor.

blessings to you on your new adventure. (one day your new life will seem like an exciting new adventure, although it doesn't now)

FutureMom: You are so a mama! Sorry for your loss, but you are no less a mama. s
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#6 of 20 Old 08-31-2010, 02:39 PM
 
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I do see this. He has always been able to manipulate my emotions for some reason. I am a lot more emotionally stable when he is not around me and when I am not talking to him. He tells me that because I can't accept his girlfriend and that I don't want to meet her, that I don't really love him. If I loved him I would be happy for him and my jealousy is childish. Ugh, it's very painful to hear him tell me this. Everything inside of me is telling me he is wrong but it is confusing and it hurts. So, how do I move on and heal? Avoid contact with him? I'm so angry right now and I don't know how to deal with that emotion either.
I want to address this and give it the time it deserves...so I will have to do it later tonight...but the quick version of my novel-to-come is YES DIVORCE HIS ASS and MOVE ON! Is he serious??!?! I mean really...grrrrrrr....

I promise to write more later...I hope something I do say can help you...you deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!!

Momma to one and 3 furbabies, one resting free of pain at the Rainbow Bridge
Lover of the planet ~ Educator and Multi-Tasker Extraordinaire
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#7 of 20 Old 08-31-2010, 02:44 PM
 
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FutureMom: You are so a mama! Sorry for your loss, but you are no less a mama. s
You have me in tears...thank you for this. Do you know that I have been a "lurker" on these boards for at least 7 years (and we're talking hours a day all these years...just like the all us MDC'ers...lol)...and I have desperately wanted to contribute, but never wanted to be where I "didn't belong" for the fear of people not feeling my thoughts were worthwhile...

Maybe I'll make a siggy and start becoming a little more active...Thank you for your kind words...

(Sorry to hijack subliiime)...


Momma to one and 3 furbabies, one resting free of pain at the Rainbow Bridge
Lover of the planet ~ Educator and Multi-Tasker Extraordinaire
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#8 of 20 Old 08-31-2010, 02:54 PM
 
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I would avoid contact with him except for making decisions about your child. I think you need time to sort out your feelings and grieve your losses without him messing with your head and trying to make you feel guilty about things.

When my first marriage ended, I noticed after awhile that I wasn't even grieving the loss of the marriage, but rather the idea of what I thought my marriage was supposed to be. I was grieving my hopes and dreams I'd had for the relationship. (We never had children together - he'd said he wasn't ready yet, but then his new girlfriend was pregnant and he was thrilled about it before our divorce was even final.) For awhile, I also missed the fighting (even though I hate conflict) because it was at least communication.

I know your situation is different, but I would highly recommend you see a counselor to help you sort through things. I'd had therapy before for other issues, but I specifically sought out a therapist to help me deal with the divorce issues. I found it very helpful.

Best wishes to you. You will heal and you will get through this.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#9 of 20 Old 08-31-2010, 06:05 PM
 
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I agree with seeing a counselor. It was SO helpful for me during the end of my previous marriage and divorce. My ex was terribly selfish and emotionally abusive yet I had no idea until I sat down to talk to a couselor about it all. I knew I was confused, conflicted, hurt and ashamed but the counselor helped me put all the pieces together. It was a turning point in my life. I came out of it a stronger, more confident woman. I really feel like I'm blossoming and becoming the person I've always wanted to be. Being in a bad relationship can really stunt your personal growth. I hope your experience will be like mine and you'll really come out on top in the end. I also understand completely the grief that you feel. Even though my exh is a terrible person that did some horrible things to me, I still mourned the loss of the dreams I had with him - dreams that would have never come true most likely. You can grieve for the loss of the dreams without necessarily wanting to be back in the relationship. What really helps is making new plans and dreams and seeing them start to come to fruition. Best wishes to you mama on your journey. You can get through this and you will be better off without him - promise yourself that!
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#10 of 20 Old 08-31-2010, 08:25 PM
 
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Yes! It took a long time to grieve. But I can honestly tell you that I not can't remember the last time I felt a twinge about not spending the rest of my life with my first love and my kids' father. (And I can actually admit the "first love" part without cringing or making a defensive-of-my-ego-and-emotions argument about never having loved him.)

I think that you don't have to communicate with him as much as you are. I don't think you have to communicate anything beyond money and parenting times.

His intentions are not the issue, imnsho -- his actions are hurtful and he's selfishly using you to get what he wants (sex) and shaming you into trying to get more of what he wants (harmony, to be let off the hook for having sex with both of you and for wanting to keep the parts of his relationship with you that he wants without having to take any responsibility for the parts that you might want to keep). And, yeah,
what he's asking for wrt your relationship with the other woman, you do not have to honor and you don't have to let him tell what kind of a person that does or does not make you!

ETA: I was reminded of a quote from a novel that I read years ago that stuck with me. A couple was arguing about their relationship and the woman said, "You're not the boss of what love is!" which served as a tension-breaker in their case (because they both had kids and it reminded them of the childishness) but I also think it's a useful thought in your case. He's not the boss of what love is for you!
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#11 of 20 Old 09-01-2010, 02:24 AM
 
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It's so much harder to move on and get to a healthy place when you are having constant contact w/a master manipulator. He is great at getting others to see/think/feel what he wants them to bc he has developed this skill over time.

What are you supposed to do? How are you supposed to have a clear head so that you can make the best decisions for you and your dd? You MUST NOT allow him into your life. Parenting decisions aside, you are not friends, you should not be lovers (you are extending a sacred part of yourself to someone who does not deserve it), you aren't his "soft place" or place of refuge anymore.

Your ex, like mine btw, thinks he can have all of the good parts of you (friendship, concern for his well-being, lovemaking) w/out any of the reciprocation or commitment. Where is his friendship to you? Where is his concern for your well-being?

You deserve much more than he is willing to give you. That's fine, it's his choice to make, and you have your choices to make. I can say from personal experience, when you expect a man to be faithful, respectful, committed, etc. and truly believe in your heart that you deserve nothing less, you open the door for that man to walk through.

It's really difficult right now, I know. You are stronger than you think though, and take comfort in the fact that when you put your foot down w/your ex and stop letting him manipulate you it will teach your daughter something invaluable.

Wife to dh, Mommy to ds1 12/2002, ds2 9/2005, and ds3 9/2008.
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#12 of 20 Old 09-01-2010, 04:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for all of your support and replies. I have the number for a counselor that I would like to see, and I will be giving him a call soon. I was seeing a life coach and she helped me out tremendously with helping me examine my boundaries (or lack of boundaries).

I will say one thing, that there were a couple of replies about him ruining our marriage over this girl. It was a combination of things and I am to blame as well. There are many issues in our marriage that I have not touched on. I do know that her presence definatly complicated the situation and had she not been around, things may be different.

I feel less crazy getting validation from people about my feelings though. He is a master manipulator and makes me feel as though my feelings are not valid. So, thank you.
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#13 of 20 Old 09-02-2010, 08:58 AM
 
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Sublime, your husband seems selfish and destructive. That would overwhelm me. The gf? She seems selfish as well. I may be old fashioned but I cannot for the life of me get my head around how a woman can live with a married man. That relationship will explode, surely. Time will expose things.

Futuremama-- your post really moved me. YOu have a lot to offer women here. Keep posting.
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#14 of 20 Old 09-02-2010, 10:53 AM
 
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Subliime, it has taken me a couple of days to get back here, so sorry...You have gotten some wonderful advice and I think you sounded stronger in your recent post which is great...

You asked how to move on...how to heal...well, time will be needed for healing and that is something you can not move forward any faster...but I do agree with the others...distance yourself from him now. You do not need to speak with him other than how it pertains to you little one and divorce, should you choose that. You do not need to validate him, to "love" him outwardly so he can prance around knowing he has you in his clutches still...Focus on YOU and let him be. If you need a shoulder, you can PM me. I'm going to try and get more active on the boards after such beautiful encouragement from others. I am thinking of you...stay strong and focused...much brighter days are ahead for you!

Hotmamacita: Thank you so much...that means a lot.

Momma to one and 3 furbabies, one resting free of pain at the Rainbow Bridge
Lover of the planet ~ Educator and Multi-Tasker Extraordinaire
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#15 of 20 Old 09-04-2010, 01:29 PM
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I'm going to try and get more active on the boards after such beautiful encouragement from others. I am thinking of you...stay strong and focused...much brighter days are ahead for you!

Hotmamacita: Thank you so much...that means a lot.
Yes, please stay with us!

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#16 of 20 Old 09-04-2010, 01:39 PM
 
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He didn't even tell me that they were really together until today after I had sex with him in his home where she is staying with him at.
Am I understanding that he is still sleeping with you while he is "really together" with his GF? Please draw a line and don't do this again unless you really want to be with a guy who is involved with another woman. It sounds to me like he wants to cake eat, keep two women emotionally and sexually vulnerable and bound to him, so boost his ego or sense of self. Does his GF know he is still sleeping with you?

I don't know if this can help-- but-- I can tell you that NO MAN is worth feeling destroyed over. I swear to you that in time you will look back and pity HIM and wonder why you were so emotionally wrought.
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#17 of 20 Old 09-04-2010, 01:45 PM
 
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It is always hard to be the one who is left.
You are in a very unhealthy, enabling situation. You need to focus on your feelings and your pain and not him at all. Make sure you reinforce that his responses to your truth has nothing at all to do with you-you can't make your truth ok for him.
Big hugs and you will get through this. Stay away from him. He is toxic for you.
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#18 of 20 Old 09-05-2010, 12:03 AM
 
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Am I understanding that he is still sleeping with you while he is "really together" with his GF? Please draw a line and don't do this again unless you really want to be with a guy who is involved with another woman. It sounds to me like he wants to cake eat, keep two women emotionally and sexually vulnerable and bound to him, so boost his ego or sense of self. Does his GF know he is still sleeping with you?

I don't know if this can help-- but-- I can tell you that NO MAN is worth feeling destroyed over. I swear to you that in time you will look back and pity HIM and wonder why you were so emotionally wrought.
Yep, he wants to have his cake, eat it, and have someone else wash the dirty cake pan and fork.
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#19 of 20 Old 09-06-2010, 11:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Am I understanding that he is still sleeping with you while he is "really together" with his GF? Please draw a line and don't do this again unless you really want to be with a guy who is involved with another woman. It sounds to me like he wants to cake eat, keep two women emotionally and sexually vulnerable and bound to him, so boost his ego or sense of self. Does his GF know he is still sleeping with you?

I don't know if this can help-- but-- I can tell you that NO MAN is worth feeling destroyed over. I swear to you that in time you will look back and pity HIM and wonder why you were so emotionally wrought.
I did not know that him and this girl were "together" when I slept with him last. They are not together now. A few days after that he broke up with her, because he realized that he is more confused than he thought. And no, she does not know. She has no idea, which really pisses me off and hurts me for more than a few different reasons.
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#20 of 20 Old 09-07-2010, 12:39 PM
 
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You've gotten some great replies here; I just wanted to add that you may find some moms who've been through similar situations on the Single Parents forum at MDC, too. (And who deal with ongoing situations with the ex because of the children's visitation schedules, etc.). You might find some good coping tips there. And as for the manipulative behavior of your STBX, I agree with a PP that he certainly knew what he was doing and did "use" you. His total arrogance/lack of conscience is made quite clear by: He tells me that because I can't accept his girlfriend and that I don't want to meet her, that I don't really love him.

Please understand how totally bizarre and inappropriate his attitude is. Steer clear of him; keep it business-like when dealing with kid-related issues, and that's it. I know it's hard to see so early on, but you are well rid of someone with that sort of attitude.

(Also, FutureMom, your situation touched me, too - I have certainly seen people contributing around MDC who aren't moms yet, and you have as much to offer as anyone else does! Don't hesitate! And anyway, as a PP said, you are a mom - I'm sorry for your loss.)
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