Feeling so agitated....phasing out friendships... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 09-01-2010, 07:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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There are so many threads on this forum and on all of MDC of mamas being lonely and needing friends. Years ago that used to be me Long story short, now I have a lot of friends. And I am finding that with limited time and energy...(I have an easy life but I am an introvert with an extreme need to recharge) there are people I find myself wanting to phase out, I guess. I feel terrible and I don't know what to do...this is only one example of a few friends like this.

I have a friend coming over this afternoon and I am dreading it. We have been friends for over a decade. Her son is close in age to mine and is fine to be around. She has never done anything to hurt me. We don't hang out too often, she isn't a "taker" or toxic or anything bad at all. She doesn't gossip, isn't negative...nothing. We don't have the same lifestyle...but I seek out and hang out with others with a different lifestyle to mine. And to make matters way worse in terms of me being terrible...I think if she had the choice she would have a lifestyle more similar to mine. (She makes six figures and has to/gets to travel for work, I get to putz, cook from scratch have to/get to entertain a toddler all day). She always wanted to be a SAHM but married someone who isn't okay with that. I have other friends I love with way crappy husbands and marriages and I can handle that. Sometimes I AM that person

It's just that there are so many posts here about perfectly lovely people losing friends for no good reason and frankly, that's what I would be doing to her. I just don't feel very comfortable around her for some reason. I feel sad for the stress in her life and I don't feel better after hanging out with her. I feel like I have to downplay my good fortunes and play up the bad (which isn't even going to be hard right now because I am going through something really stressful and traumatic that is visible and I won't be able to avoid talking about it even if I wanted to). Ugh. I don't know. I'm really really struggling. I have been edgy and grumpy all day about having to hang out with someone who has done nothing wrong and is really a good person. Anything she does that annoys me is so minor Oh, I went through the same thing the last time we hung out, so it isn't just the stress I am going through right now. I always feel stressed when we have to hang out...

Anybody else gone through anything like this? Any advice at all? Why would someone who isn't at all negative bring out such negativity in me?

It could be pure selfishness on my part too, she has to get together after work and so our play dates are always after DH gets home. Not during the times I am bored or have time to kill. So, they interrupt the "routine" that I like so much. Ugh...I feel so terrible about this.
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#2 of 9 Old 09-01-2010, 10:01 PM
 
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There are so many threads on this forum and on all of MDC of mamas being lonely and needing friends. Years ago that used to be me Long story short, now I have a lot of friends. And I am finding that with limited time and energy...(I have an easy life but I am an introvert with an extreme need to recharge) there are people I find myself wanting to phase out, I guess. I feel terrible and I don't know what to do...this is only one example of a few friends like this.

I have a friend coming over this afternoon and I am dreading it. We have been friends for over a decade. Her son is close in age to mine and is fine to be around. She has never done anything to hurt me. We don't hang out too often, she isn't a "taker" or toxic or anything bad at all. She doesn't gossip, isn't negative...nothing. We don't have the same lifestyle...but I seek out and hang out with others with a different lifestyle to mine. And to make matters way worse in terms of me being terrible...I think if she had the choice she would have a lifestyle more similar to mine. (She makes six figures and has to/gets to travel for work, I get to putz, cook from scratch have to/get to entertain a toddler all day). She always wanted to be a SAHM but married someone who isn't okay with that. I have other friends I love with way crappy husbands and marriages and I can handle that. Sometimes I AM that person

It's just that there are so many posts here about perfectly lovely people losing friends for no good reason and frankly, that's what I would be doing to her. I just don't feel very comfortable around her for some reason. I feel sad for the stress in her life and I don't feel better after hanging out with her. I feel like I have to downplay my good fortunes and play up the bad (which isn't even going to be hard right now because I am going through something really stressful and traumatic that is visible and I won't be able to avoid talking about it even if I wanted to). Ugh. I don't know. I'm really really struggling. I have been edgy and grumpy all day about having to hang out with someone who has done nothing wrong and is really a good person. Anything she does that annoys me is so minor Oh, I went through the same thing the last time we hung out, so it isn't just the stress I am going through right now. I always feel stressed when we have to hang out...

Anybody else gone through anything like this? Any advice at all? Why would someone who isn't at all negative bring out such negativity in me?

It could be pure selfishness on my part too, she has to get together after work and so our play dates are always after DH gets home. Not during the times I am bored or have time to kill. So, they interrupt the "routine" that I like so much. Ugh...I feel so terrible about this.

Oh, please do not feel so terrible for being honest. It is good to be honest.

I think you have a lot to offer her. Please do not drop her just because she works. It is good to be honest with yourself, but it is also good to be kind and go the extra miles with others. You may find there is something that only you can offer her or encourage her in. If you have the energy to, meet her once a month or bimonthly but let her know you care about her and do not drop her without communication, etc. I just think later on you may regret it.
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#3 of 9 Old 09-02-2010, 12:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks. It went fine. We are old friends, so I just decided to BE comfortable and be hostess-y. I realize that's it-in a lot of ways it's like having someone "new" over and it isn't as relaxing. It was fine, we can do it again soon.

My bestest friend of 20 years is a WOHM who doesn't cook, doesn't craft or do anything homemaker-y but we just click and we are soo much alike we can talk for hours about our thoughts, feelings and impressions of things. A lot of my other friends we just talk about what we have in common or concrete things like healthy cooking or books we are reading. It's hard when you aren't of similar sensibility and you don't do similar things day in day out.

Also, she is so busy that we book our playdates way in advance and I hate to flake out ever. With other friends I can just cancel if I feel overwhelmed and grouchy
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#4 of 9 Old 09-02-2010, 11:33 AM
 
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I am the "working" friend except I am happy with that choice and I cook from scratch.

I think it is natural for friendships to expand and contract but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I have been on both sides.

One of my closest friends phased me out and it makes me very sad. We were CLOSE well into "real" life. Her and my DH really clicked and we (DH and I) have a real affection for her DH. We know each other families well, used to share holidays, etc. She became a SAHM mom and and I didn't and it became very obvious that she didn't have room for me/my family in her life. She didn't want to return calls in the evening or make a commitment to stop by after a certain time in the afternoon. I can remember thinking "she can't set aside 5 minutes once a month to return a phone call?" It still makes me sad, really sad, but maybe we will come back together as time goes by.

On the other side, I did phase out another friend because as we married and had kids, our styles were very different. Different can be great but she was the type that forced her ideas on others and if other didn't 110% get on board, she badgered you non-stop. I could not deal with that and I phased out that friendship.

Do you have any interest in doing things together as just the two of you, without the kids? One of my favorite friendships is with a friend that also has kids but everyone together doesn't click but her and I together are awesome. We know the playdate thing isn't for us but we cherish our adult-sans-kid time together.

Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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#5 of 9 Old 09-02-2010, 11:45 AM
 
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I don't think you are necessarily feeling the need to phase her out "because she works"...You say that you dread the get togethers, that they make you stressed, and that you don't feel comfortable around her and don't feel better after hanging out with her.

She can be a fabulous person and still make you feel as you describe...and if you do feel as you've written, those reasons in and of themselves, are reason enough not to maintain a "hanging out" kind of relationship.

I am a person with *very few* people in my life...and also a person who enjoys and needs her "me" time...If I dread something, don't enjoy it when I'm doing it, and feel lousy after, you can bet I won't be doing it again.

Good luck...I think there are ways you can present this to her that won't come across as a colossal "dump"...and there are ways to maintain a connection with her, if you feel the need to b/c of your guilt, without needing it to be one in which you spend in-person time together often. It's all in the approach...

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#6 of 9 Old 09-02-2010, 11:50 PM
 
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Relationships are so complicated... I am very similar to you it sounds... I remember in my teens I also didnt have as many friends, which seemed to be fine, I think the older I get the more I think about it... It encompassed my entire brain sometimes.. I dont really have any words of advice, just wanted to say that... I know what you mean about downplaying and toning up certain things, I find myself doing that sometimes just because I really want the person to like me or accept me and I focus on that too much...

I guess I do maybe have some advice... you don't seem to completely need to be in this friendship, but I think you should try to completely be yourself and not downplay/ tone down anything... I think maybe thats what makes some of the uncomfortableness in the end... it becomes you main focus of your get together (i.e. I gotta make sure I dont talk too much about X)... just be yourself, and maybe you wont dread the get togethers anymore, in the end, it may be her that won't want your friendship any longer, but at least you're being true... hope that helps...
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#7 of 9 Old 09-03-2010, 01:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Relationships are so complicated... I am very similar to you it sounds... I remember in my teens I also didnt have as many friends, which seemed to be fine, I think the older I get the more I think about it... It encompassed my entire brain sometimes.. I dont really have any words of advice, just wanted to say that... I know what you mean about downplaying and toning up certain things, I find myself doing that sometimes just because I really want the person to like me or accept me and I focus on that too much...

I guess I do maybe have some advice... you don't seem to completely need to be in this friendship, but I think you should try to completely be yourself and not downplay/ tone down anything... I think maybe thats what makes some of the uncomfortableness in the end... it becomes you main focus of your get together (i.e. I gotta make sure I dont talk too much about X)... just be yourself, and maybe you wont dread the get togethers anymore, in the end, it may be her that won't want your friendship any longer, but at least you're being true... hope that helps...
I really focused on this and it went much better. I agree, I am going to be myself and talk about the things I am interested in. We had a really nice time, I think I will maintain the friendship even though there are other people I click with more. Thanks for the insight!
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#8 of 9 Old 09-04-2010, 01:49 PM
 
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I liked what Polishbabies wrote too. Just be yourself, that's prob what is draining you. I have people like that in my life, I can just feel that they resent my choices, or are jealous of my life in some weird way. I try to keep them at an arms length. Real friends are comfortable with themselves, and thus, comfortable with you! There's really close friends and then there are acquaintances, IMO.
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#9 of 9 Old 09-10-2010, 06:12 PM
 
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There are so many threads on this forum and on all of MDC of mamas being lonely and needing friends. Years ago that used to be me Long story short, now I have a lot of friends. And I am finding that with limited time and energy...(I have an easy life but I am an introvert with an extreme need to recharge) there are people I find myself wanting to phase out, I guess. I feel terrible and I don't know what to do...this is only one example of a few friends like this.

I have a friend coming over this afternoon and I am dreading it. We have been friends for over a decade. Her son is close in age to mine and is fine to be around. She has never done anything to hurt me. We don't hang out too often, she isn't a "taker" or toxic or anything bad at all. She doesn't gossip, isn't negative...nothing. We don't have the same lifestyle...but I seek out and hang out with others with a different lifestyle to mine. And to make matters way worse in terms of me being terrible...I think if she had the choice she would have a lifestyle more similar to mine. (She makes six figures and has to/gets to travel for work, I get to putz, cook from scratch have to/get to entertain a toddler all day). She always wanted to be a SAHM but married someone who isn't okay with that. I have other friends I love with way crappy husbands and marriages and I can handle that. Sometimes I AM that person

It's just that there are so many posts here about perfectly lovely people losing friends for no good reason and frankly, that's what I would be doing to her. I just don't feel very comfortable around her for some reason. I feel sad for the stress in her life and I don't feel better after hanging out with her. I feel like I have to downplay my good fortunes and play up the bad (which isn't even going to be hard right now because I am going through something really stressful and traumatic that is visible and I won't be able to avoid talking about it even if I wanted to). Ugh. I don't know. I'm really really struggling. I have been edgy and grumpy all day about having to hang out with someone who has done nothing wrong and is really a good person. Anything she does that annoys me is so minor Oh, I went through the same thing the last time we hung out, so it isn't just the stress I am going through right now. I always feel stressed when we have to hang out...

Anybody else gone through anything like this? Any advice at all? Why would someone who isn't at all negative bring out such negativity in me?

It could be pure selfishness on my part too, she has to get together after work and so our play dates are always after DH gets home. Not during the times I am bored or have time to kill. So, they interrupt the "routine" that I like so much. Ugh...I feel so terrible about this.
I have a friend like that too. And sometimes, I have to cut her short - on the phone or IRL, just because I know I can't deal with negativity right now. Don't feel bad.

Me,yummy.gif   DS, Peace.gif and DDdust.gif Grateful to the baby I lost for sticking around long enough to teach me what I needed to know so badly  candle.gif  We  love our forest valley home, our goats and chickenschicken3.gif, and wild harvested food-medicine coolshine.gif

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