Nightmares about my mother, I need a good night's sleep - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 09-10-2010, 02:38 AM - Thread Starter
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I'm going to try to keep this relatively short...

My mother is very unbalanced mentally and emotionally. She is super manipulative, often called me names/put me down when I was a kid, she is extremely controlling and disrespectful. A few examples to illustrate:

last time she stayed with us, she was staying in ds's room. My house is non-smoking, and she smoked IN his room. She fed him solids (white bread and non-organic pineapple) when he was still exclusively breastfed, at 5 months, in my back. She humiliated me in front of my family the day before my wedding (and we were paying for her hotel room). She put me in a group home when I was a teen, because she didn't want to deal with me (and hearing some of my friend's stories, I really wasn't that bad or troublesome. She drank a lot then too). As a kid, I wasn't allowed to cry if she was mad/yelling at me. I'd get punished for it. She lied to my grandma, who was helping me out financially, to get grandma to side with her and cut me off. She regularly throws fits for no reason. She sided with my abusive then-husband when it was convenient and talked trash about me to him. She called my best friend to talk trash about me. And I could go on and on and on, those are just a few.

I finally decided to cut it off a few days ago. I blocked her on Facebook, any emails she sends will automatically go through the trash. I am done, for now at least. She has taught me to fear her, and imo, fear and respect can't coexist. Now that I don't fear her anymore, I also have no respect for her. I wish her the best, and love her as a human being and feel compassion for her, but she is toxic and I have no need for toxicity in my life. She is/was abusive, and that led me to marrying a man who is very much like her and abused me for 3.5 years.

I've been having nightmares about her for weeks now. I dream that she yells at me, humiliates me, things of the like. Sometimes I'm me as a kid, sometimes as a woman. I am exhausted. Last week-end, my boyfriend had to soothe me in the middle of the night after I suddenly sat up in bed panicking. It's at least every other night, if not every night. And I grind my teeth. I don't know what to do. Right now, therapy isn't an option. I just need to get a good night's sleep, but feel at loss as to how.

"That boy, Frank, he lives inside his own heart. That's a real big place to live." ~ Karl Childers (Billy Bob Thornton) in Sling Blade
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#2 of 7 Old 09-10-2010, 09:58 AM
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In my experience it takes time and a good therapist. Your mom sounds a bit like mine and I can honestly say the last nightmare I had about her was at 32, almost 11 years after I last spoke to her. (Damn pregnancy!) Journaling helped me. Writing down the crazy, thinking it through, made me realize that it truly was not me.

Maybe talk to your dr about something to help you sleep. It's a big change for you and it's going to take time to work through. Healing sleep is very important.
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#3 of 7 Old 09-10-2010, 10:15 AM
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Your mum sounds very similar to mine as well. I've had nightmares about her for many years, although I moved out about 8 years ago. I also have a lot of dreams where I physically hurt her, which is quite disturbing as I'm not a violent person. Strangely enough, my sister has those dreams as well. But my dreams are not nearly as bad as yours!

Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you, but I hope you manage to get rid of the dreams.
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#4 of 7 Old 09-10-2010, 11:25 AM
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I haven't seen my father in YEARS for reasons that I can't write about here. He was always a horrible person and was hurtful in a multitude of ways. He finally did something that made my siblings and I ALL cut ourselves off from contact with him. We all still have nightmares about him and feel torn emotionally, but for us, it's the only decision we can make, knowing what we know. At least we stand in solidarity. Do you have any siblings taking the same stand? I find that after a particularly brutal nightmare, I can usually call one of my sisters and feel better afterwards. And, yes, journaling is very helpful, as well.

ETA I know it's a ways off, but after 500 posts you can request to gain access to the Surviving Abuse forum. It's a little more private from the general public.
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#5 of 7 Old 09-10-2010, 11:43 AM
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I am so happy for you that you have cut her out of your life. You do not need to have her in your life, you don't even need to LOVE her at this point. You don't need to give her anything. I agree with pp, a good therapist, some good self help books, and lots of taking good care of yourself. You need to focus on you right now, keep people that are only good in your life. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this.
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#6 of 7 Old 09-10-2010, 03:46 PM
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Here's how I get sleep when I'm dealing with huge emotional upsets:

1. Hard exercise and hard work during the day to make me tired;

2. Talking out or writing out was wrong;

3. Melatonin;

4. Sex;

5. Taking the time to take care of myself with stuff that makes me happy, even if its just a fat romance novel and some popcorn on the couch; fill up your life with beauty and love and stuff that makes you happy.

I'm sorry about your mom, BTW. I had one of those, too. It's hard to get an objective distance on those issues. It always felt like I was betraying my mother when I set boundaries, and no matter how awful my mother was, some part of me stayed deep in little girl love with my mother.
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#7 of 7 Old 03-13-2014, 12:40 AM
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I had decided to completely cut my mom out.


She would do these things where she would make drama that she wants to be close to me and it's all my fault we aren't close and blah blah blah...I realized it was BULLSHIT.


During my wedding planning she had a bunch of homes and crap - ( my father had passed) and she could have given me a nice wedding but instead handed me crap to sell on ebay and thought maybe she could wear a nice cystal and leopard dress for my wedding. I realized she will never be happy with herself and she will always be fake, a victim, and unreliable to me. She will always be afraid of her own mortality, looking for the next rich dude, and never be concerned with anything other than her bank account.


I tried to have a relationship with her when I got engaged and I couldn't believe how grubby, cheap, and disgusting she was. I mean she tired to pick a part a lunch bill claiming she had a salad that was $10 and she shouldn't have to pay more in front of 17 people.


It wasn't about money which she will probably always claim. It;s about her disgusting narcissistic personality. I truly think she is a disgusting person and I hope to gd she finds some weak hot mess to be with so she stops trying to contact me. 


It completely effects the way I feel about having a family because I know I am a friendly, down to earth, intelligent person. I just dont ever want this to happen to me again. I am best friends with my step mom for 17 years (she never married after my fathers death). I know how to exist beyond this torture, it's not that. It is that I just never want to deal with this type of selfish, self consumed, human again. It never goes away though. She will always try to find me and it really fucking sucks. I never respond but if I could tell her how I feel she wouldnt ever hear me anyway.

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