Lack of fullfillment or jealousy - need a little advice - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-24-2010, 03:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think I've figured out some things that have been bothering me for quite some time and I can't decide if it's a lack of fullfillment in my life or jealousy.

I've been married for over 6 years, I have a wonderful DH, two awesome, healthy boys, a house that has a nice mortgage, but it's everything that we've dreamed of, and a family that is very supportive and loving.

I don't have many close mama friends but am in the process of meeting new ones from various local meet ups.
I've lost a couple of friendships over the years because of being too opinionated, competition, grown apart or the other woman was a complete nut job.

I tend to really want what others have that I don't have. I would give anything to be a SAHM, to be frugally conscious - moreso that I am now - to be able to travel at the drop of a hat and have friends that value the same things that I do.

I'm stuck at a dead end job because I HAVE to, not because I want to and that drives me crazy daily.

We're constantly struggling to get by - living paycheck to paycheck when we both combined make over $110K A YEAR! Go figure. We some times live beyond our means and don't always budget - sure fault is at hand, but can you do? But there are times when we get ahead and have the extra money and then splurge on a couple items.... It's a viscous cycle.

So, to sum it all up, I have everything that I could ever imagine - more than my parents or IL's did at my age and still I find myself still wanting more and wanting what OTHER people have. Human nature or is there more to it?

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Old 09-24-2010, 03:38 PM
 
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I think I've figured out some things that have been bothering me for quite some time and I can't decide if it's a lack of fullfillment in my life or jealousy.

I've been married for over 6 years, I have a wonderful DH, two awesome, healthy boys, a house that has a nice mortgage, but it's everything that we've dreamed of, and a family that is very supportive and loving.

I don't have many close mama friends but am in the process of meeting new ones from various local meet ups.
I've lost a couple of friendships over the years because of being too opinionated, competition, grown apart or the other woman was a complete nut job.

I tend to really want what others have that I don't have. I would give anything to be a SAHM, to be frugally conscious - moreso that I am now - to be able to travel at the drop of a hat and have friends that value the same things that I do.

I'm stuck at a dead end job [ because I HAVE to, not because I want to and that drives me crazy daily.

We're constantly struggling to get by - living paycheck to paycheck when we both combined make over $110K A YEAR! Go figure. We some times live beyond our means and don't always budget - sure fault is at hand, but can you do? But there are times when we get ahead and have the extra money and then splurge on a couple items.... It's a viscous cycle.

So, to sum it all up, I have everything that I could ever imagine - more than my parents or IL's did at my age and still I find myself still wanting more and wanting what OTHER people have. Human nature or is there more to it?


Do you feel comfortable sharing why you are 'stuck' at that dead end job because you have to?

I need a little more information before I can give you the advice you are asking for.
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Old 09-24-2010, 04:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Do you feel comfortable sharing why you are 'stuck' at that dead end job because you have to?

I need a little more information before I can give you the advice you are asking for.
I'm stuck at this job because we need my income. I have a cool gig - it's not where I work, it's the fact that I work. It's not my cup of tea and the fact that I have to work bothers me. Discussions have been had between DH and I about me working PT sometime in the near future but only when he's making more in his income to cover the loss of mine.
We don't live an extravagant life. We really don't. My car will be paid off in 3 months. His car will be paid off in a year. Our mortgage just got reduced when we re-financed. Both kids go to daycare, but our oldest will be in K next year. Things are getting paid off, etc.,etc., But regardless of all of that, my income is STILL needed.

And I guess another part of what I'm feeling is that I know of others who live a very similar lifestyle - where the DH makes less than my DH and the wives stay at home. How's that possible? I guess I don't know every detail of their life, but I know enough for it to not make sense to me.

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Old 09-24-2010, 08:03 PM
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I know SAHMs who get really bored, don't feel fulfilled, feel like the dh always controls the money, feel like they have no purpose in life, etc. So that may not be a perfect scenario for you, either.

My advice...fake it 'til you make it. Tell yourself how much you love your job and your life.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:38 AM
 
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I think life is too short for "fake it 'til you make it."

We live on one income. We're about $10K above public assistance. I don't think we could do it and have an acceptable quality of life on any less (based on how dh and I grew up and what we're accustomed to--no doubt people do.)

Both of our cars (paid off) are more than 10 years old. Our house (and it's systems) is old. Dh and I are both "maker" type people. For the most part, we do our own repairs.

I thrift shop our clothes. I grow a ton of our food. We eat low on the food chain & not a lot of organic anything (other than what we grow.)

We take cheap vacations--camping, or as guests of our (relatively) wealthy parents.

Right now I'm stressing on money because I just spent a ton (ha! it's all relative--not even as much as most people spend on new school clothes!) on necessary curriculum, one of my dogs just racked up a couple of hundred bucks at the vet, one of our cars needs some work that dh can't do, and the weather is going to change any minute now and I still haven't bought fall shoes for two of my kids.

Dh's company is downsizing again. I freaked out for a second, but then I realized that with unemployment benefits and the accompanying food stamps, our standard of living wouldn't change much in the short term. In the long term, he might even wind up with a job that causes less heartburn than the one he has now.

The grass is sometimes much greener, but I'm happy with the choices we made that got us here.

Maybe staying home isn't the answer for you...but what you said about being stuck in a dead end job and it driving you crazy...maybe it is time to try something else.

If you could imagine yourself being totally in love with your life, what would it look like?

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Old 09-25-2010, 12:48 AM
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I think life is too short for "fake it 'til you make it."
And I think life is too short to not enjoy the life you have (general you) right here, right now.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:57 AM
 
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Not to be snarky, but my stars $110,000.00 is a heck of a lot of money! Wow, and you are living pay check to pay check for a family of 4. But be sides that what would make you happy? Maybe downsizing, so you could explore your dreams? Remember you only have one life to live, if you do not like it, change it!
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:59 AM
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Not to be snarky, but my stars $110,000.00 is a heck of a lot of money!
Depends on where you live. COL varies greatly.

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Old 09-25-2010, 01:26 AM
 
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And I think life is too short to not enjoy the life you have (general you) right here, right now.
Fair enough.

I can see how what I said might lead someone to think that if they do xyz then they will be happy/fulfilled. I don't want to perpetuate that line of false thinking.

But...the op wrote about making a lot of money (COL aside, she was exclamatory in how much money they make) yet she's unhappy with her job.

I think there's plenty of room for decision making between "be here now" and making thoughtful choices for the future.

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Old 09-25-2010, 01:34 AM
 
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Well the OP did say, they don't budget, splurge, and live beyond their means, and has everything she dreamed of etc., lives better then prior generations. So I just stated the obvious.
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Old 09-25-2010, 10:25 AM
 
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I'm stuck at this job because we need my income. I have a cool gig - it's not where I work, it's the fact that I work. It's not my cup of tea and the fact that I have to work bothers me. Discussions have been had between DH and I about me working PT sometime in the near future but only when he's making more in his income to cover the loss of mine. We don't live an extravagant life. We really don't. My car will be paid off in 3 months. His car will be paid off in a year. Our mortgage just got reduced when we re-financed. Both kids go to daycare, but our oldest will be in K next year. Things are getting paid off, etc.,etc., But regardless of all of that, my income is STILL needed.

And I guess another part of what I'm feeling is that I know of others who live a very similar lifestyle - where the DH makes less than my DH and the wives stay at home. How's that possible? I guess I don't know every detail of their life, but I know enough for it to not make sense to me.
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I tend to really want what others have that I don't have. I would give anything to be a SAHM, to be frugally conscious - moreso that I am now - to be able to travel at the drop of a hat and have friends that value the same things that I do.

I'm stuck at a dead end job because I HAVE to, not because I want to and that drives me crazy daily.

We're constantly struggling to get by - living paycheck to paycheck when we both combined make over $110K A YEAR! Go figure. We some times live beyond our means and don't always budget - sure fault is at hand, but can you do? But there are times when we get ahead and have the extra money and then splurge on a couple items.... It's a viscous cycle.
You have the answers. You know what you want.

You want to be a SAHM. Your husband is open to that. At present, however, neither of you budget and you live beyond your means.

The SAHMs whose husbands make less than your DH might budget and they might not live beyond their means. They might not have two cars or cars that are under 5 years old. When they have extra money, they might save it. I could go on and on but I really think you already have the answer to your question but it is something your husband and you are unwilling to do.

So you are working at a job that you do not like or want rather than budgeting, living within your means, saving, reducing you expenditures, etc. These years are precious and if you really want to SAHM....you said you would do anything to SAHM...then do anything to SAHM.

I think your husband and you, upon examining your finances and spending habits, will find a lot of money that will help you stay home. It is then just a matter of what are you both willing to do without so you can stick to a budget and do what you really long for as a mother.

Good luck!
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Old 09-25-2010, 02:20 PM
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I think there's plenty of room for decision making between "be here now" and making thoughtful choices for the future.
True.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 09-25-2010, 03:22 PM
 
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First of all.....

To me it sounds unfullfilled and not jealous. I think you need to spend some time meditating on the issue (or just thinking). The important thing is DO NOT JUDGE the answers that pop in your head. Just put them in your thought process. The "American dream" is not fullfilling for many people. And I have learned that "stuff" actually makes you unhappy, not happy. Simply being a SAHM may not be the answer for you though. Or it may be. That is where the soul searching goes. To me the answer to your questions is obvious in what you wrote. You wrote your own answers but you have to TRUST yourself and your husband. TRUST that if you take the steps to make your life better that you will be provided for.

Your finances clearly have to be overhauled. One thing I see happening with moms who work away from home is that child care eats up most of the moms take home income. You need to evaluate your net income and compare it to child care costs. Then you need to look at needs and wants. For Americans this is hard to do. Do you really need the tv reception and Netflix and super high fast internet, delivered water, this that and and and and (Not you specifically, but Americans in general).

List the monthly costs of the bills you HAVE to pay (mortgage, car, student loans, etc). Compare that to your DH's take home pay and see what's left. Try a sample week and see if you can get buy with that. Buy only NEEDS. Do not eat out (a want that sucks many people's paycheck) and have fun together as a family.

What I do in this house to save money is I carry cash. It's emotionally a lot harder to give someone cash than it is a debit/credit card. And then you can see how much money you have left for the week.

Good luck!!

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Old 09-25-2010, 08:51 PM
 
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Try daveramsey.com. You will not be able to change your financial life until you get your spending and budget under control. Once it's under control, you'll be in a position to choose what will make you more fulfilled.

Good luck!
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Old 09-25-2010, 11:58 PM
 
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Old 09-27-2010, 12:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for this. While some of it is not in the cards (the relocation), some of it we have done (re-fi) - others, I really need to look in to more esp the part about the discretionary income. I can't walk out of Target without spending at least $40-$50 each trip. My last trip was $72 and that was with things that we actually NEEDED!!!

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