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#1 of 14 Old 09-30-2010, 04:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Overall I would say that I am a pretty chill individual, albeit easily frustrated. But I've had a lifetime to deal with my everyday petty frustrations and I think I handle it pretty well. What I handle less well is anger...especially anger that comes from me seeing people around me acting inappropriately. Let me explain:

I live on a college campus; at a place I would not choose were there better options available. However DH is a professor at this university and our (university subsidized) housing is amazingly cheap for the area in which we live. I should be grateful. The house itself is great, has a nice yard etc., but the street where we live is full of stupid people that infuriate me.

During the day when there are classes our street is prime parking territory, and as such there are constantly people parking in front of my driveway. Ok, no biggie, if I see them I ask them please not to, and if I do not see them (and its egregious) I call the cops and have them towed.

People are constantly circling looking for parking, and driving like a0holes, which includes whipping down the street going way too fast, whipping around the corner without looking to see if anyone is crossing and the like. Its like this every day. I've almost been hit while crossing the street twice now and I've only lived here for a year.

Another issue is there is a popular college bar at the end of the block which leads to many many nights of very drunk people yelling (and worse) in front of our house. Sometimes there are fights. This is always at about two in the morning when the bar closes. As a result of one recent fight some crazy wailing girl advanced on me when I went out on my porch and told her to be quiet and go home. She told me she was going to kick my ass. I was holding me baby at the time (who her wailing had woken up).

One last thing is that the local professional soccer team plays across the street at the university while they are negotiating a contract for their city-built stadium. The games are loud and annoying (and often start at eight at night) but what is worse is the behavior of the obnoxious fans as they leave the game and head for the bar at the end of the block. Which brings me to my anger...

Tonight there was a group of these fans who were whooping loudly to one another as they walked up the street and ultimately passed my house. They were way too loud..it was ten PM on a Wednesday fer cryingoutloud, and I probably would have just gritted my teeth in annoyance and waited for them to leave...but they woke up the baby. Which put me into a blind fury and I went out and screamed at them instead. I find that I do this way too often since living here, but the constant dealing with really irritating entitled people just wears me down. I mean, who in their right mind thinks its ok to make that much noise in a neighborhood just because they can? (and yes, I realize that by yelling at them I was making just as much noise, and I'm pretty embarrassed by this).

I don't want to live like this anymore. As I write this there is a big group of fans at the bar singing at the top of their fool lungs and beating a drum. I am sitting here hating them because they are making so much noise. The local police station is right across the street and they do nothing. Campus security also does nothing (although with fairness the bar is not really part of their responsibility...unless the annoying people are students). But it makes me so freaking mad. So mad.

How do I deal with this anger?? I'm afraid that at some point someone is going to retaliate against me and that puts my son in danger. I mean whenever I yell at people (I yell at folks to slow down, I yell at folks to be careful, I yell at folks to shut up) they know where I live. But this is my house and my neighborhood and I don't see why I should just take people's inconsiderate behavior as just part of living here. Especially drunk snowflake students' behavior.

Oh, and I am stuck in this house for five years, so please don't advise me to move. I am unemployed so we couldn't afford to anyways.

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#2 of 14 Old 09-30-2010, 05:18 AM
 
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Oh, I get enraged when anyone wakes baby too! Sounds like an extreme living situation in your case though...not quite the barking dog or occasional weed whacker that's in my neighborhood.

For the traffic, maybe something like this? http://www.amazon.com/Step-2-7127KR-...d_sim_sbs_hi_7

I think you can also get a sign that reminds people they will be towed.

If your neighbors agree, maybe petition your town for speed bumps or traffic islands?

For baby, maybe a white noise machine, even just outside the room or in the window, between baby and the street? Or a fan?

I'm sure the bar serves underage drinkers...perhaps the police should look into it? Fines & cracking down on underage might make it less popular.

Breathe deeply and watch your favorite TV show?
Sorry, that's all I've got! Good luck.
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#3 of 14 Old 09-30-2010, 02:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by tangledblue View Post
Oh, I get enraged when anyone wakes baby too! Sounds like an extreme living situation in your case though...not quite the barking dog or occasional weed whacker that's in my neighborhood.

For the traffic, maybe something like this? http://www.amazon.com/Step-2-7127KR-...d_sim_sbs_hi_7

I think you can also get a sign that reminds people they will be towed.

If your neighbors agree, maybe petition your town for speed bumps or traffic islands?

For baby, maybe a white noise machine, even just outside the room or in the window, between baby and the street? Or a fan?

I'm sure the bar serves underage drinkers...perhaps the police should look into it? Fines & cracking down on underage might make it less popular.

Breathe deeply and watch your favorite TV show?
Sorry, that's all I've got! Good luck.
I think that part of the problem (and at the root of my anger) is the fact that the people who do these things simply don't care. Apparently their needs trump everything (their need to get to class on time. Their need to have fun.). There is a student house two doors down that has one of those children-at-play signs on their porch that they do silly things to, like dress it up and put a cup of alcohol in its hand. They think its hilarious...they probably stole the darn thing. So I can't see having a reminder like that doing any good...because the whole attitude around here seems to be entitled carelessness. Honestly, I don't think it helps that it is a pretty expensive private school, so many of the students here have never had to think about anyone but themselves. They don't have an understanding of the real world, nor do they care to.

For example the night we were awoken by the big fight at two AM one of the girls told me "what do you expect? You live next to The Bar." As if I am supposed to just suck it up because the needs of obnoxious drinking people obviously trump all. I was like wtf??

Ironically my kid had a fan going last night, and the soccer fans were so loud that he woke up anyways. Breathing is possible...but we don't have a TV .

I guess what really fires me up is the utter lack of basic decency showed by most around here. Its not even the neighborhood where these folks live, and for some reason that adds insult to injury for me.

But again, how do I get past the anger? I want to smash their entitlement into their smug, sheltered faces and not let them get away with it! I know that this attitude is totally going about things the wrong way. I need to find peace with this situation somehow, because I don't like the message I am sending to my kid.
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#4 of 14 Old 09-30-2010, 03:18 PM
 
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How long have you lived there? Are you still in the adjustment period? I have found that almost any situation eventually normalizes to becoming the every day routine. It just takes time and a few coping strategies .

For the parking situation, can you set up cones or some other barrier? It may be easier than waiting for a tow truck.
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#5 of 14 Old 09-30-2010, 03:18 PM
 
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#6 of 14 Old 09-30-2010, 06:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How long have you lived there? Are you still in the adjustment period? I have found that almost any situation eventually normalizes to becoming the every day routine. It just takes time and a few coping strategies .

For the parking situation, can you set up cones or some other barrier? It may be easier than waiting for a tow truck.
I guess what I am looking for then are the coping strategies. We have lived here for a year.

Part of the frustration is that the truly icky behavior comes in cycles: So the drunkenness is worse in spring quarter than in fall. The parking craziness eases up in summer but is terrible once fall quarter starts. So I think the lulls make me enjoy living here to the extent that once the behavior begins again I feel major resentment...because I know what it is like without all that. Since we have just come out of summer I am feeling especially resentful about the situation.

Help!! I need coping strategies! Anyone?
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#7 of 14 Old 09-30-2010, 07:40 PM
 
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Hmm.. I never lived next to kids even when I was a kid. Always older retired extremely quiet people. So when I move dinto this house every little tot's scream just rippled down my spine. Every bicycle laying in the middle of the street drove me to rage (that no one was caring for these kids and I had to somehow drive around it on this micro street). I've also never lived in a domanately Mexican-American city which means 10 kids per house. I was very on edge. Even the cops didn't want to come by because she was afraid she'd hit a kid and avoided this neighborhood. Which might explain why my house was attempted to get broken into while I was home alone and my car window was busted out and my gps stolen that I was borrowing. I lived in a city of 2 million and never once had any of that happened until i moved here where there's maybe 100k people. So yeah I was angry. Did I mention the kdis would play on my back porch? So when I woke up in my jammies or underwear even I would just about faint when there was 5 little kids leaning on my windowed back door. I'm not into showing my panties to kids.

So we built a fence. Actually the entire neighborhood did except my neighbors who gave me really ugly looks until they moved out. The kids were allowed to throw rocks at people's houses hence everyone built fences. My immediate neighbors moved out but there's always 10 more to replace them. And I can hear them screaming pulling the boards off my fence.

You do get use to it. time and time... wear you down and eventually the high pitched screams stopped bothering me and I just went ahead and ran over the others... just kidding :P But my patience caught up and I now wait a few minutes for their butts to get out of the street. Oddly two families moved in on the other side who are def and so they are a bit more controlling of those kids. They are the only ones who scream for their 6 kids to get out of the street.

But see my mom was an older mom so I would hang out at retirement rec centers and had old school 30's style christmas's there with 80 year olds singing so all this kid stuff and sounds is pretty new to me. Now I have a 1 year old who loves to just scream at the tv. I bet my new roommate is pulling his hair out.
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#8 of 14 Old 09-30-2010, 07:42 PM
 
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How about a sign that says baby sleeping 9pm-9am. Please be quiet. Something simple for a simple mind that's drunk and can't comprehend much.
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#9 of 14 Old 09-30-2010, 08:11 PM
 
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I have never yelled at my neighbors but I totally understand. I have some really mean and dishonest neighbors. We also have mean dogs whose owners make threats to others and get away with it. We have lots of speeding and one-time traffic which implies drug activity. There have been renters who have done awful things to other neighbors. I could go on and on at the direspectful and infuriating behaviour that has caused much stress for me. I have not yelled. I am not the type to.

Here are my coping mechanisms.... I pray a lot. I write. I journal. I distract and shield my kids from it. I have taken to articulating it here on MDC at times but mostly I try to just pray and write about it.

I would not yell anymore. It does not accomplish anything.

I have to ask....where is your husband in all of this? Can't you ask him to deal with it so that you can deal with the baby? What does he say? What does he want to do about the continual and cyclical stress? I would talk a lot with him about it.
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#10 of 14 Old 09-30-2010, 08:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have never yelled at my neighbors but I totally understand. I have some really mean and dishonest neighbors. We also have mean dogs whose owners make threats to others and get away with it. We have lots of speeding and one-time traffic which implies drug activity. There have been renters who have done awful things to other neighbors. I could go on and on at the direspectful and infuriating behaviour that has caused much stress for me. I have not yelled. I am not the type to.

Here are my coping mechanisms.... I pray a lot. I write. I journal. I distract and shield my kids from it. I have taken to articulating it here on MDC at times but mostly I try to just pray and write about it.

I would not yell anymore. It does not accomplish anything.

I have to ask....where is your husband in all of this? Can't you ask him to deal with it so that you can deal with the baby? What does he say? What does he want to do about the continual and cyclical stress? I would talk a lot with him about it.

I am not religious so I cannot see myself praying. Although journaling is a possibility I have never been able to do so in the past because I can't get past the silliness of writing to myself. I don't know why.

My husband is a very quiet introverted guy who is terrified at any sort of confrontation. His coping mechanism is to pretend like nothing is happening. It does not stress him out like it does me. I tried to talk to him last night about why exactly that was, and it seems that he takes no ownership to our living space so does not feel any need to protect it. His solution is to just stay inside and hope everyone just goes away. Sure, eventually they do, but there is always someone else to replace them. So he figures the stress is my problem and I should just get over it...that it is what it is. However that is not a mindset I have ever embraced and I don't plan on starting now.

Plus I think he is more terrified of having someone recognize him and then he might actually have to *gasp* talk to them.

I guess by inference he also does not see any of this activity/behavior as dangerous to our son as I do. I shudder to think what will happen if DS ever figures out how to open the front door. If he ever gets into the street he's a goner. Not only that but sometimes the noise actually scares DS and that pisses me off even more. I mean the shrieking woman kinda scared me because she was off the wall and just went on and on and on...DS should NOT have to live with stuff like that in his life. See even thinking about it now I get so mad. Grrrrrr!

Your neighborhood sounds awful!
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#11 of 14 Old 10-01-2010, 01:28 AM
 
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I completely sympathize with you. I'm not sure whether I can articulate any coping mechanisms. My first thought was to recommend that you move...because it does sound like a frustrating situation.

However, I do have a few thoughts:

These people ARE thoughtless. But to think in "shoulds" about them (as, they should know better) is not helpful for you. It is only going to get you angrier.

Your "neighbors" are a bunch of young, immature, clueless college kids. Their behavior is typical, if obnoxious. Kids that age don't think in terms of neighborhoods or in terms of being considerate. When I was their age, I didn't have screaming fights in front of houses, but I probably did some stupid, thoughtless things.

I think the problem is that you are trying to control/change behavior that can't be changed. That's why you are getting frustrated. Your going out and telling people to shut up is understandable, but unfortunately, it is not going to change behavior. I also think your reaction is normal and somehow connected to your being a mother. You are just trying to protect your baby. You want a safe environment for your baby.

I do relate to your situation because my husband and I bought a cottage on a small street leading to a beach. Our son was about 3-4 months at the time. We were appalled by similar behaviors that you are upset by...the inconsiderate parking, the noisy people at the beach, people lighting off firecrackers, singing songs at 2 a.m., standing on our lawn, the steady stream of traffic, etc. Everyone loves the water but no one thinks that houses in close proximity don't want to hear the noise or see the obnoxious behavior. I do remember that indignation at seeing people act so thoughtlessly. I also remember hearing, "you bought a property close to the water; what do you expect?"

We eventually decided to rent out the place and we will sell the house when the market improves.

I think, since you said you cannot move, you need to give up trying to change or improve the behavior (if you really feel that the police will be no help). Someone mentioned prayer. What about meditation?
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#12 of 14 Old 10-01-2010, 02:35 AM
 
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OMGOSH let me first say, I totally feel you. We have lived here for a year and several of our neighbors make me want to PULL MY FREAKING HAIR OUT. When we first got here, it was okay and most of the people were long-term tenants, older people, or young families. It's a small townhome complex so there isn't a ton of privacy. Wellllllll...about a month after moving, these decent ppl moved out and were replaced by NIGHTMARES. Here I am, a young mom to a small child with a dog who needs to be taken out regularly and a fiance who works 95% of the time. Let's just say there have been several times I have taken the dog and baby out and people FLY down into the complex..seriously going like 40mph where you should BARELY be doing 10mph. And I don't even want to start on how our neighbors sound like freaking elephants. The lady is CONSTANTLY screaming and cursing at her two little girls. She vaccuums at 1 am...they have parties and stand right outside their door and I can hear EVERY. WORD. THEY. SAY. They smoke like freight trains and I can smell the smoke through our walls. They always have shady people hanging around. There have been oh, so many times I have had to fight to get my DD to nap only for her to be awakened by them slamming their bodies into the walls (or whatever the hell they do over there). So yeah. I feel you. I have refrained from yelling or saying anything. It has been hard, but I feel as though it would be a waste of time. My coping methods have just been to try to keep busy. I find that it's when I'm sitting doing nothing that I really focus on all the noise or craziness. We also listen to music..a lot. Sometimes, it's really loud...haha...But. Yeah. I feel you. I hope someone has better advice for you. It is a terrible feeling to be in your own home and to have to deal with the stupidity of other people...especially with a little one.

Earth-loving, birth-loving, body-working, simple-livin' mama to two sweet girls and fiance to a hard-working man treehugger.gif namaste.gifbellyhair.gif

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#13 of 14 Old 10-02-2010, 11:45 PM
 
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I am not religious so I cannot see myself praying. Although journaling is a possibility I have never been able to do so in the past because I can't get past the silliness of writing to myself. I don't know why.

My husband is a very quiet introverted guy who is terrified at any sort of confrontation. His coping mechanism is to pretend like nothing is happening. It does not stress him out like it does me. I tried to talk to him last night about why exactly that was, and it seems that he takes no ownership to our living space so does not feel any need to protect it. His solution is to just stay inside and hope everyone just goes away. Sure, eventually they do, but there is always someone else to replace them. So he figures the stress is my problem and I should just get over it...that it is what it is. However that is not a mindset I have ever embraced and I don't plan on starting now.

Plus I think he is more terrified of having someone recognize him and then he might actually have to *gasp* talk to them.

I guess by inference he also does not see any of this activity/behavior as dangerous to our son as I do. I shudder to think what will happen if DS ever figures out how to open the front door. If he ever gets into the street he's a goner. Not only that but sometimes the noise actually scares DS and that pisses me off even more. I mean the shrieking woman kinda scared me because she was off the wall and just went on and on and on...DS should NOT have to live with stuff like that in his life. See even thinking about it now I get so mad. Grrrrrr!

Your neighborhood sounds awful!
I feel for you too.

I hope your husband takes more ownership. I think this would help you and your anger.

I understand about the silliness of journaling but it really helps keep you from yelling at people.

Good luck! I am sorry you have to deal with that.
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#14 of 14 Old 10-03-2010, 04:54 PM
 
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It does not stress him out like it does me.
Yes, well, I predict that your stress is eventually going to stress him out.

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Originally Posted by Danielsmom View Post
I completely sympathize with you. I'm not sure whether I can articulate any coping mechanisms. My first thought was to recommend that you move...because it does sound like a frustrating situation.

However, I do have a few thoughts:

These people ARE thoughtless. But to think in "shoulds" about them (as, they should know better) is not helpful for you. It is only going to get you angrier.

Your "neighbors" are a bunch of young, immature, clueless college kids. Their behavior is typical, if obnoxious. Kids that age don't think in terms of neighborhoods or in terms of being considerate. When I was their age, I didn't have screaming fights in front of houses, but I probably did some stupid, thoughtless things.

I think the problem is that you are trying to control/change behavior that can't be changed. That's why you are getting frustrated. Your going out and telling people to shut up is understandable, but unfortunately, it is not going to change behavior. I also think your reaction is normal and somehow connected to your being a mother. You are just trying to protect your baby. You want a safe environment for your baby.

...

I think, since you said you cannot move, you need to give up trying to change or improve the behavior (if you really feel that the police will be no help). Someone mentioned prayer. What about meditation?
These are my same conclusions. This sound enormously frustrating and disappointing. I'm so sorry.

Journaling: you don't have to be writing to yourself, you can write to a vague, nebulous Them, or a chorus of like-minded moms in your head. Just let it all out and imagine how they're all nodding their heads in recognition and sympathy.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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