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Old 10-16-2010, 01:54 AM
 
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My Dh was my first, we knew each other since 16 yrs old. I had many many doubts before we married at 24 yrs but it has worked out well for us. Looking back a lot of my doubts were based on my own insecurities. I will say my Dh matured a whole lot in his 20's in terms of communication etc, but I guess I did too.

You are both still young. You have a lot of pressure on you to get married. Maybe conversely the pressure is causing doubt- "am I just doing it for these people?"

It doesn't seem right to have to make such a big decision while you are in the midst of depression, or is the depression caused by the decision?

Counselling seems to be really needed right now!
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Old 10-16-2010, 02:27 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post
he told me i either marry him now or not at all.
Not cool.

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ok so his reasoning is everything is already paid for and theres no turning back b/c then we lose all the money...(you really dont get refunds at least not full)
Which is cheaper- losing the deposits or getting divorced? Divorce is, by far, more expensive. If his only reason for getting married *right now* is the money, you should really think hard about that.

DP and I are getting married in a few months. If, for whatever reason, I told him I wanted to wait (for 1 day, 1 year, 10 years, whatever) the money we lost would be the last thing on his mind (and he works in a financial position and is all about money/number crunching/etc). He would be far more concerned with *why* I wanted to wait and what we could do (as a couple and as individuals) to get to the point where we were both comfortable with marriage (or with parting ways, if that's where it took us).

I think you should suggest couples counseling. If he refuses- you have your answer about getting married. If he goes and puts in the effort, then you have some serious thinking to do.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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Old 10-16-2010, 02:50 AM
 
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I know someone who broke off her wedding after the invitations were mailed. It can be done. Was it embarrassing? Yes. Was it better than being married to the wrong man? DEFINITELY.

Ultimatums aren't good. I agree with others: Tell him you want couples counseling before you're married. If he balks, he's not the one.

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Old 10-16-2010, 03:19 PM
 
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i know im screwed up and need help first of all....everytime i try to get help something stands in my way.
OK so question about this. Is this how you feel? or is this how he makes you feel?

HUGE difference, one points to maybe you don't want to get married because you doubt your own self worth and worthiness to be happy with a great guy? OR this statement points to a broken person who is being pressured to think they have no other choice but to marry the 'best' they could get.

Which is it do you think?

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Old 10-16-2010, 04:26 PM
 
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my advice is to postpone the wedding to give him time to change the things you want changed.

don't expect that marriage will cause a change. If he has no real interest in getting an education and building a career, there's nothing about a wedding that will make that happen.

Many of the women I know who've gone through divorce end up going through it for reasons they already knew when they got married.
I don't necessarily agree with that. My DH has changed almost dramatically since we got married (where his family and family business are concerned). Granted it's only been two months.

HOWEVER - I was willing to accept him for where he was - changing was not a requirement I had for him, just a desire.

That being said, my *personal* feeling is that you are too young to get married. Not in age, but in how you feel/deal with things. I mean that in the kindest possible way. I also personally think (and I could be wrong!) that marrying someone you've been with since you were 15 or 16 is just setting you up for a lot of reasons to choose to be unhappy with that person down the road.

On the other hand, you don't have anything really negative to say about your DP, other than he's acting young/a bit irresponsible. That's something that will change and it will probably start to change very soon (unless he's the type of guy that never grows up then you're going to be dealing with crap for a loooooooong time).

When I posted on MDC a few months back about my DP and the issues we were having with his nutso family and his inability to deal with them on my behalf and get the ef out of the family business already, someone replied to me and said 'you know you and your kids deserve better, you really do.' Well, yes, we did and do deserve better. And since we've gotten married, he has turned into such a grown up, it's awesome. We only go see his family when I am okay with going also, we aren't seeing his crazy brother and wife during the holidays, etc. And he came up with these ideas on his own! (After me suggesting them a million times haha).

He even wrote his brother an e-mail telling him that they weren't treating me well and that he loves me and they need to back off.

So, I guess you have to decide whether you think he'll grow up soon enough for you. And whether it's worth it to try to make things work with your kid(s) Dad (I'm assuming - your post wasn't clear on that point).

Good luck, and I hope things work out well for you

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i tend to freak out...i seem to run away when things get tough or uncomfortable for me.

hes my best friend and i love him but we are young (23) and our lives are not where i want them to be...i guess it's a real leap of faith to trust that he will go to college/get a better job. i mean our life is rough right now he makes $1400-$1600 a month we cant afford anything. he says he's going to change some things....but i told him that i cant just trust that he will change.

i also have alot of issues myself that i need to fix. a big thing for me is that i have been having really rough bouts of depression the last 6 months...
Ok, so - I tended to run away when things got tough too. I did 2.5 years of mindfulness therapy, once a week for the first 18 months. It helped more than I can say.

If you can't trust your partner of 8 years to say he's going to do something when he says he will, that's a big red flag. But, like I said earlier, it's just immaturity, and getting married might be the 'cue' his brain needs to man up.

Depression - I was extremely depressed when I was with my ex - to the point of trying to slit my wrists one night with him watching. Yeah. when i broke up with him, lo and behold, I started feeling somuchbetter. He even had me taking anti-depressants because 'I was the one with the problem.' Well, no, the problem was that I couldn't be myself with him - he wouldn't allow it.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts and experiences. Hope some of what i wrote helps you

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Old 10-16-2010, 04:41 PM
 
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I wanted to say...I truly believe you need sit down as a couple (go out for dinner just the two of you) and talk. Talk about dreams, goals for your family, fears, plans, everything!! Really, he is your best friend, you have said that several times. Do what best friends do best....talk.
I married at 20 am still very happily married to my best friend 17 years later. We started our relationship 21 years ago in highschool....talking. We moved in together at 18 just out of highschool...we spent a few years on welfare and living off only school loans....waaay below the poverty line. We have had rough financial spots and made it through...it can be done....as a team!
Everyone has given you a lot to think about and I wish you the best!

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Old 10-16-2010, 05:50 PM
 
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Hm. When it comes to marriage, I say 'when in doubt, don't'. Not sure if this feels helpful or not.

Mama to a little lady and always praying for more.
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Old 10-16-2010, 08:53 PM
 
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i also say, when in doubt, don't. i doubted, but believed that 'love is a decision crap'. and he turned into an abusive asshat after baby #1, we're divorcing now after being trapped for 8 years and it is a lot more expensive and painful for the kids. it is so much better to piss off family and friends than to get trapped in a marriage- and yes, they can be legal traps.

can't you go to counseling by yourself monday, and work on some of the questions that wise mamas have posed here, then work on those with your dp, either in counseling or at a private dinner?
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Old 10-16-2010, 10:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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oo so here are some big things.

first and foremost NONE of our family knows we are even together! we told them we broke up a few months ago b/c we were sick of everyone being up our butts about staying together or breaking it off...our wedding is me him and DD (in a gorgeous sling i made out of chiffon,lace,and beading that matches my dress!) eloping to Vegas.

secondly my depression is not b/c im with him. i have had an extremely, extremely difficult life, have been to countless therapists...meds...ect and everyone who's evaluated me and knows my whole story is completely shocked that i am as normal as i am. i had one therapist in uteer dis-belief that i could even form a relationship/connect with another human being period. its been a bit worse since the baby....i think alot of it has to do with lack of sleep and an overwhelming feeling of oh my God i need my mother.

thirdly my father is an a$$ i dont care what he wants. he abandoned me at 15 and gave me up to the state.

hes all for couseling btw. we just have to get health insurance b/c it JUST got canceled...im going to tallk to him about the whole lets compare our goals dreams ect thing

btw TY for the advice so far. i know you all dont know me but it IS really difficult when no one knows whats going on and i dont have anyone to really ask. im not close with the little family i do have, my bff wants to stay out of it (but supports me either way), and we dont want to tell anyone else anyways so...you're opinions do matter.

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Old 10-16-2010, 10:33 PM
 
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he told me i either marry him now or not at all.
OK, that is the wrong answer. The right answer, for the record, is "Honey, I'll marry you tomorrow, next year or in ten years' time. I'll wait for you as long as you need, because I know we're going to be together forever and you're worth the wait".

Being 23 doesn't give him a pass on being immature. DH was 23 or 24 when we got married (heh, can't remember! I was 20), and managed to get down the aisle without any threats. Maturity is a REQUIREMENT for marriage, not a pleasing optional extra - so if he doesn't have it, he shouldn't be doing it. His attitude towards parenting sounds like it needs an adjustment, as well as his attitude towards you. If you were both in his 30s and he was behaving like he is, would you still want to marry him? Well, if it's not acceptable at 30, it's not acceptable at 23 in a person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

It doesn't sound like he's all bad, and I'm not necessarily saying "Don't do it" - but definitely, PLEASE, make sure you're doing it for reasons unrelated to parental pressure or wedding costs. Or even DD - I'm all for parents being married, but not if it's doomed. He could still be an involved parent without being your husband or even your boyfriend.

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Old 10-17-2010, 02:31 AM
 
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oo so here are some big things.

first and foremost NONE of our family knows we are even together! we told them we broke up a few months ago b/c we were sick of everyone being up our butts about staying together or breaking it off...our wedding is me him and DD (in a gorgeous sling i made out of chiffon,lace,and beading that matches my dress!) eloping to Vegas.

secondly my depression is not b/c im with him. i have had an extremely, extremely difficult life, have been to countless therapists...meds...ect and everyone who's evaluated me and knows my whole story is completely shocked that i am as normal as i am. i had one therapist in uteer dis-belief that i could even form a relationship/connect with another human being period. its been a bit worse since the baby....i think alot of it has to do with lack of sleep and an overwhelming feeling of oh my God i need my mother.

thirdly my father is an a$$ i dont care what he wants. he abandoned me at 15 and gave me up to the state.

hes all for couseling btw. we just have to get health insurance b/c it JUST got canceled...im going to tallk to him about the whole lets compare our goals dreams ect thing

btw TY for the advice so far. i know you all dont know me but it IS really difficult when no one knows whats going on and i dont have anyone to really ask. im not close with the little family i do have, my bff wants to stay out of it (but supports me either way), and we dont want to tell anyone else anyways so...you're opinions do matter.


Are you anywhere near Oregon? If so, pm me.

I think you guys will be okay. Like you said, he's your best friend. You will both grow up A LOT in the next few years; make sure you do it together

Actually, just pm me - I have info for you that I think may help, but I don't want to post publicly.

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Old 10-17-2010, 01:53 PM
 
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first and foremost NONE of our family knows we are even together! we told them we broke up a few months ago b/c we were sick of everyone being up our butts about staying together or breaking it off
I don't get this. If the choices were "let all family know dp and I are together and if they can't butt out then cut them out of our lives" or "hide the relationship and sneak off and get married secretly and deal with the family at some point in time because they WILL find out we're married"..... I would go with the first, in a heartbeat. I love my family (extended family- parents, siblings, etc), but I would find it really disrespectful of my partner if I were to hide our relationship. Not exactly the way I would want to start a marriage.

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hes all for couseling btw. we just have to get health insurance b/c it JUST got canceled
This goes back to the eloping thread you posted a couple months ago- I would spend the money on counseling in a heartbeat before I spent all that money on a Vegas wedding. You can spend all the money on counseling that you planned to spend on the wedding and THEN when you and he are both 100% comfortable with marriage go down to the courthouse and get married. Maybe $100 for the license and stuff.

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Old 10-17-2010, 02:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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his family sucks period and my family is waaaaaaaay screwed up. they all hate eachother and some of my fam doesnt want me and dp together and vise versa. his twin sister has caused a lot of problems period b/c shes a psycho. its really complicated but the point is we were just going to FINALLY get married and say well we are married now and its for life so butt out. will it work? idk really but at least we can say we are married now so leave us alone, no one is going anywhere, i mean really you would think after 8 yrs they would have quit already...his sister is super jealous and always has been and always tries to one up us which is stupid b/c we dont play her games.

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Old 10-17-2010, 08:11 PM
 
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his family sucks period and my family is waaaaaaaay screwed up. they all hate eachother and some of my fam doesnt want me and dp together and vise versa. his twin sister has caused a lot of problems period b/c shes a psycho. its really complicated but the point is we were just going to FINALLY get married and say well we are married now and its for life so butt out. will it work? idk really but at least we can say we are married now so leave us alone, no one is going anywhere, i mean really you would think after 8 yrs they would have quit already...his sister is super jealous and always has been and always tries to one up us which is stupid b/c we dont play her games.
That sounds like people I wouldn't want to be around (and wouldn't want my children around) anyway so I would have no problem telling them to "shove it" and being very open about the relationship I am in. I would also have no problem just stopping all interactions with them if they don't have anything nice to say. End of story. I don't need that stress.

Now, if only I could find a way to calm my MIL drama

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Old 10-20-2010, 05:48 PM
 
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When I was 23 I married my boyfriend of 8 years. Your post sounded so familiar in that way! We have now been married 14 years, together 22 years. But I will say, even then, I knew what I was marrying. He was very motivated and it was easy to see, even at the young ages we were. I did not worry that I was making a mistake. I don't know if that is helpful to say, but I think it needs to be said.

As another woman who was with someone for 8 years at the same age, I think you know a lot about him and how your relationship and marriage would work. You just need to take some time to think, write it out, and decide if that is what you want. With no expectations of promised changes. Kind of like "what you see is what you get."

Good luck and congratulations on your little one!

Michelle , 20+ years with a wonderful DH
Mama to two boys, 12 and 10

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