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#1 of 45 Old 10-14-2010, 04:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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supposed to be getting married Nov 3rd. been with dp 8+ years. im kid of panicking....to the point i told him idk if i even want to be with him today....

so idk is it cold feet? (he insists it is) or do i need to get the hell out of here with DD?

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#2 of 45 Old 10-14-2010, 05:02 PM
 
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How do you generally react to major life transitions? How do you react to change in general? If you tend to get stage fright or freak out at change, if life transitions really throw you for a loop, then I'd probably chalk this up to cold feet, because it fits a pattern. If you're generally steady and calm during major changes and this is an unusual reaction for you, then it's worth really looking inside yourself to see if you can figure out why you're feeling this way.
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#3 of 45 Old 10-14-2010, 06:36 PM
 
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You hardly gave any details so it's impossible to really give you an opinion, but as a general thing I'll say this: If you've been with him for 8 yrs, you should absolutely know WHAT it is about him or your relationship that troubles you, and HOW IMPORTANT those issues are compared to what you like/love about being with him.

If you can't put your fingers on any specific, major issues with him or your relationship, it's probably your own issues re: marriage or commitment or something. Or maybe you know the issues but have trouble facing them/you're in denial.

Really don't know what to tell you, but I do know that 8 yrs is long enough to have a VERY good understanding of what works for you and what doesn't about your relationship, and you really need to get clear with yourself about whether your hesitation is about him.... or is about feelings you have/ways that you are that have absolutely *nothing* to do with him or your relationship.

And whatever the real root of your feelings is... is it worth not following through on the marriage? Will that break you up? Maybe you need to be broken up - I'm not suggesting you should do anything you can to go through with it, just saying make sure you're also clear about the consequences of whichever path you go down.

Good luck, hope whatever you choose brings you peace and good stuff.
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#4 of 45 Old 10-14-2010, 10:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i thought it was a more general question....

i tend to freak out...i seem to run away when things get tough or uncomfortable for me.

hes my best friend and i love him but we are young (23) and our lives are not where i want them to be...i guess it's a real leap of faith to trust that he will go to college/get a better job. i mean our life is rough right now he makes $1400-$1600 a month we cant afford anything. he says he's going to change some things....but i told him that i cant just trust that he will change.

i also have alot of issues myself that i need to fix. a big thing for me is that i have been having really rough bouts of depression the last 6 months...

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#5 of 45 Old 10-14-2010, 10:45 PM
 
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I have to agree with the PPs, and have one more thing to add:

marriage is designed to be forever. If you cannot look at yourself in the mirror and commit your life and DD's life to him FOREVER, then it bears investigation (I don't mean, you should not marry him or that you should break it off-- I mean just that-- you need to become self aware enough to know why you hesitate to commit for a life time).

I remember writing in my journal days before my wedding, "...what are we doing?" I had serious qualms w how my DC and his DC and I were being treated, and I went ahead w the wedding. Big mistake.

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#6 of 45 Old 10-14-2010, 10:50 PM
 
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Hm. When it comes to marriage, I say 'when in doubt, don't'. Not sure if this feels helpful or not.
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#7 of 45 Old 10-14-2010, 11:10 PM
 
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If it causes you to panic, it is more than cold feet and you should postpone or call it off. Sorry if that sounds harsh. You shouldn't be having that much doubt.
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#8 of 45 Old 10-14-2010, 11:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post
..i guess it's a real leap of faith to trust that he will go to college/get a better job. i mean our life is rough right now he makes $1400-$1600 a month we cant afford anything. he says he's going to change some things....but i told him that i cant just trust that he will change.
.
my advice is to postpone the wedding to give him time to change the things you want changed.

don't expect that marriage will cause a change. If he has no real interest in getting an education and building a career, there's nothing about a wedding that will make that happen.

Many of the women I know who've gone through divorce end up going through it for reasons they already knew when they got married.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#9 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 12:14 AM
 
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Ask yourself this- what are the potential positives and negatives about postponing the wedding? What are the potential positives and negatives about not postponing the wedding?

Only you can answer these questions. But I can tell you that I agree with Unoppressed Mama Q- when in doubt, don't. You can always choose to get married down the road. Getting divorced is a lot harder.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#10 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 08:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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he told me i either marry him now or not at all.

everyone keeps telling me its whats best for DD....

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#11 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 08:48 AM
 
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take it from me: it is never best for a child to see their parents married and then later divorced. i KNEW going into my marriage that my ex and i had problems, very similar concerns to the ones you state (motivation on his part...). you are 23!! that is young to be getting married, there is no rush. don't do it until you are sure of what you want. breaking off a relationship is one thing, but having to deal with court, and custody issues, and child support, are really not ideal for a child to have to witness.

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#12 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 09:13 AM
 
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His ultimatum to marry him now or never just shows how immature and NOT ready for marriage he is. If he were to take your concerns seriously and tell you that he wants you both to do whatever it takes for however long it takes to get you comfortable with "forever", THAT would be supportive and caring.

If he is using fear tactics and ultimatums now, do you think that will change once you are married?

And I agree with the pp - it is NEVER good for a child to live with strife and discord between her parents, resulting in a bitter divorce.

You may be able to work out your challenges (I hope you can) - but start to do so BEFORE the wedding, not hope that you can afterwards.

Trust me - BTDT - and I am living in hell right now.
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#13 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 11:42 AM
 
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he told me i either marry him now or not at all.

everyone keeps telling me its whats best for DD....
That is NOT indicative of a genuine suitor. He needs therapy/mega self-help if he's saying that to you.

And, press your "everyone" for specific, rational, calculable reasons why it's 'best' for your child. Hold them accountable, and expect clear examples from their own lives, how their own children were better served by being married even if they didn't really feel like it. Are the folks offering this advice happy people who you want to be like? Are they physically healthy? Or are they damaged and looking to sway your behaviors as so that they can keep their own mythologies(lies they use to survive) somewhat intact.

I have a lot of experience with (mostly women) folks trying to take emotional control over my life, and they have always, ALWAYS been trying to 'keep me in the cave'. The good, happy friends/family I have, the ones I want to emulate, don't say tired old crap about my marital status. They know that I and my children deserve a good life no matter the state of my relationship. Full stop.

What a man should be saying to you is 'I would be so honored if you would marry me, if and when it's a good time for us both. Obviously, I'll be here for our daughter regardless of our own romantic position.'
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#14 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 12:26 PM
 
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I think jitters are normal, but not "I don't think this is right"

When Dh and I got married neither of us questioned that this was the person to spend the rest of our lives with. We both however had a little I guess "stage fright" until we saw each other, then everything else faded away.

I'm not saying its this way for everyone, but that's the way I'd want it for my kids and friends.

Ultimatums don't even begin to make sense and set a bad tone for the rest of your marriage. What will it be next? Either we move or I won't be married to you? Its manipulative and immature.

Could things work out? Absolutely,

I would suggest getting some pre marriage consulting though. Actually I suggest that for any couple getting married. It helps to have someone else asking the hard questions.


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#15 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 01:12 PM
 
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I would suggest getting some pre marriage consulting though. Actually I suggest that for any couple getting married. It helps to have someone else asking the hard questions.
This is really good advice. And if he refuses to go, then he is stating loud and clear that he is unwilling to work on the relationship.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#16 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 01:24 PM
 
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This is really good advice. And if he refuses to go, then he is stating loud and clear that he is unwilling to work on the relationship.
Agreed.

I am getting married on the 23rd and can't be more happy. DP and I have been together for 4 years. I am getting the jitters!

If DP said to me what you have experienced, I personally would wait out any doubts.

Hugs to you

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#17 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 01:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ok so his reasoning is everything is already paid for and theres no turning back b/c then we lose all the money...(you really dont get refunds at least not full)

he said he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and he will do whatever it takes to make us happy ect ect

now i have only ever had a real relationship with him. i even lost my virginity to him. (but we broke up for a while pre-baby and i had a fling) so ive been with two men sexually total.

a part of me could totally see myself with him forever, and the other part of me wants to know if there's something more yk?

when we younger we were like MADLY in love for 5 years and then it dwindled a bit. i do love him and we still have sex ect ect but how do i know that im still in love with him after the whole "honeymoon" stage?

my father has literally been trying to force me to marry DP since i was 15...no lie he even had the paperwork or w/e all filled out and we were like ummm we are not getting married!

anyways i feel it should at least be postponed and i agree completely that the whole ultimatum thing is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay immature. hes kind of immature in general...he completely abandoned me emotionally and for the most part physically my entire pregnancy...and didnt really come back emotionally until DD was 6 m/o....i was LUCKY if he changed a diaper. he would hold her sometimes...but he never spent any real time with her...but now he's a lot better...not as wonderful as i feel she nees him to be but shes really loves her daddy and he spends a good amount of time really being with her now. but of course this still bothers me a great deal and he keeps saying he apoligized and i need to get over it already...
i still feel that whole period of time should not be overlooked...
and im pretty worried if i get pregnant again is he going to do this to me?

i left him when DD was about 5 m/o and we ended up in a shelter b/c i have nowhere to go...it was horrible and i ended up coming back b/c i felt i couldn't do that to DD...
after that things improved alot.

im on unemployment and i just got $15,000 from an annuity acct. so i could start over again on my own but still how can i work? i dont have enough money for daycare certainly it would eat my whole paycheck.
my bff said she would help me but i would literally have to work 16hrs fri and sat then 8 hrs sun to make it work....i COULD do it but how would DD handle 16 hours without me? plus i would have to sleep when i got home anyways...and shes still nursing 6-10x a day.
im terrified of leaving..hes all i kow we have built our lives together and around eachother. where would i turn without him? how could i manage?

i miss my mother so much i wish i could just talk to her she would know what to do and help me. sorry OT but im pretty depressed right now

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#18 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 02:01 PM
 
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slooooooooooow down mama. first things first: you have a wedding lined up. either you need to postpone, call it off completely, or go through with it.

if you postpone or call it off, THEN think about whether or not to continue with the relationship.

and then you are permitted to freak out about life as a single mom. which, btdt, is wonderful and difficult and rewarding--and definitely worth it in comparison to being in a relationship that you don't want. the single parenting forum here is great and can help you work out the basics--how do i manage, how do i work, how do i get childcare, how do i handle this...
if you get to this step, you can and you will figure out how to make you and your child's life the best that it can be.

but, right now, you need to step back from all of that. from what you have written about your fiance, it seems like you have some issues to work out: his immaturity, him not putting in 100% raising your child, your dependence on your first love. these are some major concerns that couples therapy could definitely help you address.

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#19 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 02:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
my advice is to postpone the wedding to give him time to change the things you want changed.

don't expect that marriage will cause a change. If he has no real interest in getting an education and building a career, there's nothing about a wedding that will make that happen.

Many of the women I know who've gone through divorce end up going through it for reasons they already knew when they got married.
i love the above, especially the bolded (i'm one of them!). if you aren't willing to marry him and be with him forever, exactly as he is right now, then don't get married.

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Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post
he told me i either marry him now or not at all.
does not sound good.

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ok so his reasoning is everything is already paid for and theres no turning back b/c then we lose all the money...(you really dont get refunds at least not full)

he said he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and he will do whatever it takes to make us happy ect ect

now i have only ever had a real relationship with him. i even lost my virginity to him. (but we broke up for a while pre-baby and i had a fling) so ive been with two men sexually total.

a part of me could totally see myself with him forever, and the other part of me wants to know if there's something more yk?

when we younger we were like MADLY in love for 5 years and then it dwindled a bit. i do love him and we still have sex ect ect but how do i know that im still in love with him after the whole "honeymoon" stage?

my father has literally been trying to force me to marry DP since i was 15...no lie he even had the paperwork or w/e all filled out and we were like ummm we are not getting married!

anyways i feel it should at least be postponed and i agree completely that the whole ultimatum thing is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay immature. hes kind of immature in general...he completely abandoned me emotionally and for the most part physically my entire pregnancy...and didnt really come back emotionally until DD was 6 m/o....i was LUCKY if he changed a diaper. he would hold her sometimes...but he never spent any real time with her...but now he's a lot better...not as wonderful as i feel she nees him to be but shes really loves her daddy and he spends a good amount of time really being with her now. but of course this still bothers me a great deal and he keeps saying he apoligized and i need to get over it already...
i still feel that whole period of time should not be overlooked...
and im pretty worried if i get pregnant again is he going to do this to me?

i left him when DD was about 5 m/o and we ended up in a shelter b/c i have nowhere to go...it was horrible and i ended up coming back b/c i felt i couldn't do that to DD...
after that things improved alot.

im on unemployment and i just got $15,000 from an annuity acct. so i could start over again on my own but still how can i work? i dont have enough money for daycare certainly it would eat my whole paycheck.
my bff said she would help me but i would literally have to work 16hrs fri and sat then 8 hrs sun to make it work....i COULD do it but how would DD handle 16 hours without me? plus i would have to sleep when i got home anyways...and shes still nursing 6-10x a day.
im terrified of leaving..hes all i kow we have built our lives together and around eachother. where would i turn without him? how could i manage?

i miss my mother so much i wish i could just talk to her she would know what to do and help me. sorry OT but im pretty depressed right now
you'll lose the deposits? you lose a lot more by going through with a marriage that isn't going to work. also, if you two can decide together that marriage isn't the right choice at this moment but you are going to continue your relationship, well heck, skip the wedding but have the party anyway.

he will do whatever it takes? no he won't. if he *will* then he would already be doing it.

i can understand wanting to know what else is out there, not just in terms of a romantic relationship, but there is something to be said for being completely on your own as an adult. not just spending your life as your father's daughter and then your husband's wife.

you are right to imagine that his behavior would be much the same in the future as it has been in the past. he may grow up a bit, but he will be the same person. are you willing to accept that?

as for how you would manage as a single mama . . . if you are working but low-income, you will qualify for assistance (as well as child support, which you may or may not actually receive). i strongly encourage you to pursue a degree or license in a trade, which is actually easier (financially) as a single mother than if you were married. you'll qualify for more student aid and likely be living as well as if you were working an entry-level job, and then after school, you'll be able to earn a better living.

it sounds like a difficult place to be right now, kind of at a crossroads in life, not just in your relationship.
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#20 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 03:35 PM
 
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I'm forum crashing a bit but the title caught my eye and your post really grabbed at me, over the deposit bit.

Life involves a LOT of things that cause people to "lose deposits." A great trip where someone gets diagnosed with something; a family reunion that gets to be too much; a gut feeling that a move is wrong.

What (general, IMO) you want in a partner is someone who, when the emotional chips are truly down, will support you even if you lose deposits or suffer minor embarrassment. Someone who has your back.

It doesn't mean that person can't ask you to consider the financial consequences or think really hard first, or help you to see if you have a pattern of quitting or freaking out. But a true, long-lasting partner in the end is most concerned about you. (Or your kids.)

You asked about the romantic love and is there more out there and that kind of thing. I would ask - is he your best friend? If the BEST thing happened to you today, would you call him first? If the WORST thing happened to you today, would you call him first?

I never had cold feet about being married. I had some worries about the wedding itself but never, ever about marrying my DH. We've been married 16 years.

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#21 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 04:07 PM
 
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ok so his reasoning is everything is already paid for and theres no turning back b/c then we lose all the money...(you really dont get refunds at least not full)

he said he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and he will do whatever it takes to make us happy ect ect

now i have only ever had a real relationship with him. i even lost my virginity to him. (but we broke up for a while pre-baby and i had a fling) so ive been with two men sexually total.

a part of me could totally see myself with him forever, and the other part of me wants to know if there's something more yk?

when we younger we were like MADLY in love for 5 years and then it dwindled a bit. i do love him and we still have sex ect ect but how do i know that im still in love with him after the whole "honeymoon" stage?

my father has literally been trying to force me to marry DP since i was 15...no lie he even had the paperwork or w/e all filled out and we were like ummm we are not getting married!

anyways i feel it should at least be postponed and i agree completely that the whole ultimatum thing is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay immature. hes kind of immature in general...he completely abandoned me emotionally and for the most part physically my entire pregnancy...and didnt really come back emotionally until DD was 6 m/o....i was LUCKY if he changed a diaper. he would hold her sometimes...but he never spent any real time with her...but now he's a lot better...not as wonderful as i feel she nees him to be but shes really loves her daddy and he spends a good amount of time really being with her now. but of course this still bothers me a great deal and he keeps saying he apoligized and i need to get over it already...
i still feel that whole period of time should not be overlooked...
and im pretty worried if i get pregnant again is he going to do this to me?

i left him when DD was about 5 m/o and we ended up in a shelter b/c i have nowhere to go...it was horrible and i ended up coming back b/c i felt i couldn't do that to DD...
after that things improved alot.

im on unemployment and i just got $15,000 from an annuity acct. so i could start over again on my own but still how can i work? i dont have enough money for daycare certainly it would eat my whole paycheck.
my bff said she would help me but i would literally have to work 16hrs fri and sat then 8 hrs sun to make it work....i COULD do it but how would DD handle 16 hours without me? plus i would have to sleep when i got home anyways...and shes still nursing 6-10x a day.
im terrified of leaving..hes all i kow we have built our lives together and around eachother. where would i turn without him? how could i manage?

i miss my mother so much i wish i could just talk to her she would know what to do and help me. sorry OT but im pretty depressed right now

Your post, your depression, and the fact that so far from what I see in your posts that you're marrying him NOT because you think he's wonderful and awesome and you can list the many fantastic benefits to you and your child to being with him... BUT INSTEAD because he's the only partner you've known, you feel lost and unsure without him, and you don't know what you'd do if you had to be on your own... that leads me to say this:

If you think it's hard and expensive to break off the marriage now... you have no idea how hard... and how expensive (in not just money but emotional energy and physical energy) it will be to break it off AFTER THE FACT. Marriage can make it that much more complicated to get out if you need to. And with all your doubts, it doesn't matter how much money's already been put out, you should not be marrying him when marriage is supposed to be a commitment of what you WANT and believe is wonderful and best for your life.

p.s. I agree with the PP who said you need to ask all the "everyones" who are telling you it's best for your child, WHY and HOW it's best for your child.

I am in my 40s, have worked with families in a supportive position in one way or another for 20+ years, and I have NEVER EVER EVER seen a relationship where there were so many negatives and one or both parents were deeply unhappy, and yet staying together was best for the child. It just doesn't work that way. What's best for a child is to see a parent or both parents model improving what isn't working in life. And if that means splitting up, so be it. My parents split when I was 3, after having a doctor tell them I wasn't sleeping because of their arguing. I have thanked them a million times from when I was a teen on, because what I got out of it was 2 happier parents, who moved on with their lives and were better able to take care of me as a result.

And I model that for my daughter - my DP and I have almost broken up a few times because of serious issues, but it's when one or both of us makes real changes for the better that we say "Ok, maybe stayign together is better..." and so far that's what we've done. But I would leave if it got really bad and felt like I was sinking into a deep hole that I couldn't get out of. Because how good a parent can I be if I live liek that for the next 40 yrs? Matter of fact, we were engaged in 2008, but for all of 2009 and 2010 up until last week I'd broken it off and returned the ring because his state of mind wasn't committed. He just re-proposed last week, and I said yes, but that's after a lot of work. So I don't just preach this, I practice it too.

You have a tremendous amount of self-doubt and serious questions, plus your depression. Now is the time to postpone the wedding and figure out how you can feel better about your own abilities to care for your child and improve your life, not that your partner isn't also able to care for your child, but if you left and went into shelter before, chances are there are some major problems and I have no doubt you CAN take care of you and your child, but you doubt it which means you need time to build your tools, your supports, and your self-confidence.

You can only make a good decision about marriage to this guy when you have put yourself in a better emotional, confident place. Unless you get clear that you have to split from him to get to that place... then so be it if that's true.
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#22 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 04:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You asked about the romantic love and is there more out there and that kind of thing. I would ask - is he your best friend? If the BEST thing happened to you today, would you call him first? If the WORST thing happened to you today, would you call him first? [B]yes and yes[B]

I never had cold feet about being married. I had some worries about the wedding itself but never, ever about marrying my DH. We've been married 16 years.
he really is my best friend i dont have a doubt about that. we have been through thick and thin together and besides the preganancy he was always there for me (through my mothers death, his step-dads death, me getting r@ped, all of my crazy depression, past alcoholism...ect ect)

 Young born-again mama and loving wife peace.gif to DH jammin.gif and SAHP to two crazy girls dust.gifwehomebirth.jpgfly-by-nursing2.gifslinggirl.giffamilybed1.gif and believe gd.giflactivist.gif  signcirc1.gif !

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#23 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 04:56 PM
 
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slooooooooooow down mama. first things first: you have a wedding lined up. either you need to postpone, call it off completely, or go through with it.

if you postpone or call it off, THEN think about whether or not to continue with the relationship.

and then you are permitted to freak out about life as a single mom. which, btdt, is wonderful and difficult and rewarding--and definitely worth it in comparison to being in a relationship that you don't want. the single parenting forum here is great and can help you work out the basics--how do i manage, how do i work, how do i get childcare, how do i handle this...
if you get to this step, you can and you will figure out how to make you and your child's life the best that it can be.

but, right now, you need to step back from all of that. from what you have written about your fiance, it seems like you have some issues to work out: his immaturity, him not putting in 100% raising your child, your dependence on your first love. these are some major concerns that couples therapy could definitely help you address.


I agree w la mamita and most PPs as well.

Especially on the couples counseling! This is essential. Maybe you two can work on issues and become comfortable with the future and have the wedding on schedule. Maybe you can work on it and just postpone the wedding a bit. Maybe you will work on it, and decide to cut your losses and accept that the deposits are gone, and the relationship over. No matter what your decision, we are not able to understand the whole picture as well as a wise counselor could.

IMO this is the very least you two must do to make a decision that will be a blessing to everyone.

On the upside, I must encourage you and your DF-- you both seem far more commited to your family than most people I know in your generation (not bashing this generation-- just relaying my experience with many of its members). It is a beautiful thing to hear from a young mama who is willing to sacrifice much to do the best things for her DC, and to hear of a father so commited to his DF and child.

blessings
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#24 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 05:50 PM
 
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i think couple's counselling is a good idea, if you can both be 100% honest and open - about your fears, feelings, wants, needs, dreams, and blatant dislikes. if you can't, then don't bother.
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#25 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 08:18 PM
 
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i can understand wanting to know what else is out there, not just in terms of a romantic relationship, but there is something to be said for being completely on your own as an adult. not just spending your life as your father's daughter and then your husband's wife.
I 100% agree with this.

I was a person who got married because he was the only thing I had ever known. As I walked down the aisle I had doubts. I truly wish that I had had the courage to make the choice that made ME happy, and not the people around me or my STBX. I spent nine long years in that relationship and was never fulfilled. Please do not repeat my mistake. You do not want to put yourself or your darling child through that.

OP, I am so sorry that you do not have your Mother around to support you through all of this. I urge you to take the advice of the many wise Mamas on here.

ribbonpurple.gif  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
   
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#26 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 08:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i guess i just have not brought up the positives. i know im screwed up and need help first of all....everytime i try to get help something stands in my way. i HAVE been in therapy since i was 15. i have a lot of issues that just dont seem to be getting resolved very well, yet i have come a long way.

we downright full fledge love eachother. its not always perfect and recently there have been times where i thought it was over for good (i left b/c he was unsupportive when DD was born) but when its all said and done we seem to always come back for more. i dont think im co-dependent on him or vise versa i think we "need" eachother b/c neither one of us seems to function well without one another. we did break up for a year pre-baby and even after a whole year and different g/fs and b/fs the minute we saw eachother it was all over we had to be together.
when we are apart its like the world has come to an end.

i have been distant with him the past few days b/c of all my doubts ect and then he was giving DD a bath and i went over and sat on his lap (he was sitting on the toilet) and the minute i sat down i felt immediately better. i felt like i was home. i think maybe we are ok and it will work out, even if we are always poor or w/e else may come.

idk maybe i am ready after all...

 Young born-again mama and loving wife peace.gif to DH jammin.gif and SAHP to two crazy girls dust.gifwehomebirth.jpgfly-by-nursing2.gifslinggirl.giffamilybed1.gif and believe gd.giflactivist.gif  signcirc1.gif !

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#27 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 08:42 PM
 
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when we younger we were like MADLY in love for 5 years and then it dwindled a bit. i do love him and we still have sex ect ect but how do i know that im still in love with him after the whole "honeymoon" stage?
I'm not going to speak to the question of whether you should marry this man or not. I think the PPs have raised all the important points/questions about that.

But, I did want to comment on your question here. I don't think you can expect to *feel* head over heels in love every day for the rest of your life. Those feelings will come and go. I do not believe for one second that this means that one has chosen the wrong partner. There has been a lot written about the hormones which come into play when one meets a new person and how long those last (about 2 years is average I believe) etc. Google "limerence" if you want to read more.

In his speech at our wedding, my father used the following quote from Peter Jensen (an Australian anglican archbishop), I think it is very wise. Not easy, but wise. Now, just to be clear, "hurts" does *not* refer to an abusive situation but to the daily grind, the little irritations and unkindnesses which come from familiarity and tiredness and human-ness. The point is, if you expect the "madly in love" feeling to last, then you will always be disappointed and doubting.

“The daily decision to keep loving your partner, even when it hurts, is what makes a marriage last and grow. This deliberate, intentional choice - to keep loving even when you don’t feel like it - is the most difficult choice of all, and by far the most important”.

All the best with it.

Regards
Kate

Mother of two spectacular girls, born mid-2010 and late 2012  mdcblog5.gif

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#28 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 10:48 PM
 
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what do you WANT? How do you want your life to be? Try to find a mental image of how you want your life to be some time down the road (in 1 yr, in 5 yrs, in 10 yrs)
Does marrying this guy put you on a road that if you keep walking it is going in the direction you are trying to go?
Or is it actually walking further and deeper into a road you want to get off of?
If it is the second, then it would be better to turn around now- before you are married, and possibly have more children, and get more embedded into something you already don't want to be in.
But at the same time, all the issues you mention, lots of those are things you have to figure out in your own life. So it is not like if you decide not to marry him then all your problems are solved, but neither is it that they will be solved if you do marry. Those issues are things you will have to do the work to fix for yourself.
But from how you describe it, it does not sound like you want to marry this guy. It sounds like you are scared and don't know where to go or what to do.
but then again if you have 15, 000 and you aren't married to him- then in a way you have lots of options!
But I can't tell you what is right- I mean, we make choices in our lives based on so many things- so many deeply held beliefs that no one else could understand.
It is hard to tell a stranger on the internet what to do- I don't know you or him or your lives. But reacting only to the posts you posted about it, and from the perspective of life where I sit- I would say it sounds like more than cold feet. My advice is to start a new path- figure out what you want to find in life and go for that!
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#29 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 11:28 PM
 
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A couple of years ago I had a bit of a "do-I-want-to-be-with-him" crisis with my partner. It was triggered not by a proposed wedding but by him (finally) agreeing to have kids with me (which I had been wanting him to agree to for years). You would think I would have said, "Yay, what I've always wanted!" but I said "Eeek, what if this isn't what I want?" instead.

What I found helped me was to make a list of things that I want from my life. I tried to get him to make one too, but he didn't know for sure what he wanted, exactly. He sort of made one mentally. Then we compared them. They were pretty similar. I had to compromise on one or two low-priority items, and I think he did too, but the big, top-of-the-list items, like living on a farm and growing our own food, we agreed on.

I can't make any specific suggestions, because I don't know either of you or your situation at all. But I would suggest that you do something like we did. Make a life plan, evaluate your goals - the really big picture stuff. I think this is a great idea to do every few years completely regardless of crises. Just ask yourself, "What do I want my life to look like?", and "How do I want to get there?". Ask your partner to do the same. Try to be honest, and try to be self-centered enough to be accurate - don't fool yourself into saying "To be with him forever". For me, I also made a list of qualities that I wanted in a partner. Then I honestly evaluated my partner for those qualities. It was easy because we have known each other for a long time (since I was about 15 as well, and I'm 30 now, but we have only been together for 10 of those years). If the balance of your goals line up with the balance of his goals, and each of you fulfills most of the qualities the other wants in a partner, then go for it, it's probably just nerves (that's what we did - we're still together and we exchanged rings . . . now if we could just get the timing right for this whole pregnancy thing). If your lists are mismatched and things don't really line up, then you'll know where you stand. In that case, it will be useful to have a list of what your goals are, so you can know exactly what you're aiming for.

I also think it helped us to improve our relationship, because it gave us both clear guidance on what we could do to make each other happier - I could try to take his advice better, and he could try to be more playful (I like concrete examples, I hope you don't mind). I think it was one of the most useful exercises I've ever done, and I recommend it for new couples and those going through questioning times especially. An advantage over therapy is that it's free.

I know I basically just reiterated what a previous poster said, but I wanted to emphasize it. I do also want to give a bit of a warning - it was hard to do this, especially since it was in the context of questioning our whole relationship. It was painful, and it caused some bitterness at the time, but we came out the other side of it much stronger. It really allowed our relationship to grow, but not without some growing pains.

I hope you find the path that works for you . . . and I wanted to mention that it sounds to me like you do want to be with him, but you're scared that you might be missing something better - that's my bias, because that's where I was with my partner when we had our crisis. We very nearly split up, but it allowed us to work through all our unspoken issues much more cleanly, and paved the way for better communication and understanding in the future. And the fear that you might be missing something better is completely understandable, given your limited romantic experience. I have gone out with a lot of guys, and my sister has even more, and both of us came to the conclusion that there is no "perfect match", just two people who have similar goals and who fulfill the absolute requirements each has for a partner. But only you can know if that will bother you in the future, that you never "looked around" to see if there was someone else.

On a farm with our kiddo (nearly 2), two dogs, two cats, ten goats, two donkeys, nine sheep, a bunch of chickens, and a husband (in the winters). We have another on the way!
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#30 of 45 Old 10-15-2010, 11:37 PM
 
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he really is my best friend i dont have a doubt about that. we have been through thick and thin together and besides the preganancy he was always there for me (through my mothers death, his step-dads death, me getting r@ped, all of my crazy depression, past alcoholism...ect ect)
You are 23, there is SO MUCH here to process at that age. I think that you really need to have a little not-so-chaotic time in your life before you make any major decisions.

I had my daughter at 23, and I was just coming out of my own whirlwind/personal demons (different, but still huge issues.) The one thing I wish was that I had taken the time THEN before making major decisions to breathe and focus on myself for a bit.

It isn't that you can't do that within a marriage or relationship- but you need a partner who will support you in being a strong and independent person, as well as a wonderful partner and momma. If he's trying to pressure you into something when you are asking for time and space, you may want to evaluate whether he can be that person for you.
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