My husband has an eating disorder and I'm just enabling him. - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 37 Old 10-29-2010, 02:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by AtYourCervices View Post
I asked him again if he'd go see a doctor. I told him he has to get treatment for the "borderline" thyroid issues (or whatever else is going on). I insisted that if they can't confirm a medical cause for his problems he will have to get gastric bypass surgery.
This really stood out at me. I am concerned about HOW you are saying he will 'have' to get gastric bypass surgery and how he might be hearing it and how it might be affecting him.

I am nowhere near as bad as your husband, however I struggle with food addiction. I also struggle with body image and the fear of my husband not loving me/wanting me/leaving me. On top of this, I DO have hypothyroidism which of course compounds issues.

I think it is important to remember that whatever he is struggling with, it is probably not just a physical medical problem such as hypothyroidism, but also probably a pretty deep mental and emotional problem as well. you said it yourself, you think he is afraid of you leaving him. He jokes about the problem which could very well be his way of trying to not face the true magnitude of it all.

You sound like you are a loving wife who is trying to do the best you can at not being an enabler and just focusing on changing your reactions and behavior. With that, remember that a push for surgery can run the risk of making things worse, and that even getting the surgery doesn't guarantee success if he isn't ready.

My mom got gastric bypass and I remember her going to therapy to prepare for it. To prepare for how you can't eat even though you mentally/emotionally WANT to. to prepare for a new body size and not seeing yourself anymore how you WERE before losing weight. To prepare for the health risks that come with (I remember my mom went through some issues, most cleared up but one thing that has suck around is that she can NOT do sugar well. Only in small amounts.) An ultimatum of a surgery that comes with so many underlying mental and emotional issues could backfire in a HUGE way.

Please be careful and sensitive of this.

He DOES need to push harder to get to the root of his problems. I'm sure there are lots of things at play here, both medically and mentally/emotionally. Just doing your best to encourage him to get better without a great deal of pressure will give him a chance to push for answers in his own time without feeling like he isn't doing it for himself. I do agree though that making appointments for him to decide to go to could be a HUGE help. Taking the first step and calling I think is harder than just going to something that is already planned.
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#32 of 37 Old 07-02-2012, 06:21 AM
 
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That sounds like my husband...he gained 200 lbs in the last two years(after he got out of the Marines)...which is NOT normal AT ALL.  He is extremely irritable all the time and gets mad when I don't enable his eating habits.  His car is full of empty fast food bags/wrappers/cups, so I know he sneaks food.  As a result, I'm having a hard time losing weight, because of the stress and seeing the food he eats, makes me want to eat it too (I'm in the Air Force and have to meet weight requirements).  He says he doesn't have energy to make food or clean it up, but refuses to eat food when I make it.  Kind of at a loss here, just stressed and fed up with it! 

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#33 of 37 Old 07-15-2012, 03:40 PM
 
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You really need to think about how this is impacting your children.  They are seeing a very bad example of eating habits.  They are also being forced to be enablers.  Your own children cannot walk freely around the house?  What about your dds biological father? If he is in the picture how does he feel about his dd being sequestered to her part of the house?  Being exposed to a cranky naked guy?  Is this something he could use against you in court?  I know my ex would not hesitate to take out children out of that situation and I doubt there is a judge that would stop him.  This is not a healthy environment for them.  I am not trying to make you feel bad.  But the impact this is having on your children is real and needs to be addressed.  How does he feel about the way this may be effecting the girls?  Have you told him how this is effecting you?


The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#34 of 37 Old 07-15-2012, 11:27 PM
 
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Overeaters anonymous is an option.

http://www.oa.org/

 

I think using a 12 step program and an addiction model to address eating is pretty extreme, but the situations you are describing are extreme. Seeing a doctor and most likely a nutritionist needs to be part of it as well.

 

oa does not give you an eating plan -- they help you address the underlying issues that led to compulsive overeating. There are people in oa who've had bypass surgery, and found that it didn't solve their problem. By the time people get to oa, they've tried pretty much everything else.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#35 of 37 Old 07-16-2012, 04:45 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

Overeaters anonymous is an option.

http://www.oa.org/

 

I think using a 12 step program and an addiction model to address eating is pretty extreme, but the situations you are describing are extreme. Seeing a doctor and most likely a nutritionist needs to be part of it as well.

 

oa does not give you an eating plan -- they help you address the underlying issues that led to compulsive overeating. There are people in oa who've had bypass surgery, and found that it didn't solve their problem. By the time people get to oa, they've tried pretty much everything else.


I'm glad I got the notification that Linda updated this thread, because OA/12-step programs are an excellent solution if the addict wants to get help. 

 

For an update to our situation:  My DH last year decided he was through being fat.  So he decides to have gastric bypass surgery, which he underwent in June of last year.  He has lost at least 160 pounds and is down to a normal weight. 

 

He has started drinking alcohol, is already a problem drinker, and is just as nasty as he always was.  Except no one ever got pulled over for driving under the influence of a Big Mac and a Mountain Dew...He also thinks he is just the greatest thing since I-don't-know-what - so you could drag him into a 12-step meeting by his ears.  It would do absolutely no good.  The only ones destined to hit rock bottom are the kids and I.  

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#36 of 37 Old 07-16-2012, 01:33 PM
 
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Oh wow!  i did not realize how old this thread was.  I wonder how the original poster is doing.  karen - I am sorry to hear that things have gone from bad to worse for you.  


The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#37 of 37 Old 07-16-2012, 11:38 PM
 
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Karen, I'm also sorry that things are worse for you. I knew that with other types of addictions, people sometimes stopped one substance and traded it for another without dealing with the underlying issues, but I didn't realize that happened with food, too.

 

Makes me more determined to get to the bottom of my own issues with food. bag.gif


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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