Fear of death and dying of illness! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 15 Old 10-25-2010, 05:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 15 Old 10-25-2010, 06:19 PM
 
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I don't have any answers, but I just want you to know you are not alone. Since I became a mother, I think about mortality all the time, and I do worry about disease (primarily cancer). My biggest fear is of something happening to me and my children not having a mother. It's terrible, and I wish I knew of a way to help myself too.
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#3 of 15 Old 10-25-2010, 07:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't have any answers, but I just want you to know you are not alone. Since I became a mother, I think about mortality all the time, and I do worry about disease (primarily cancer). My biggest fear is of something happening to me and my children not having a mother. It's terrible, and I wish I knew of a way to help myself too.
Just the thought of my son growing up motherless scares me. The thought of my DH maybe finding another wife and my son maybe calling someone else mom. I know I give it too much thought, but that is my problem!
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#4 of 15 Old 10-25-2010, 07:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jacksmamma View Post


I don't have any answers, but I just want you to know you are not alone. Since I became a mother, I think about mortality all the time, and I do worry about disease (primarily cancer). My biggest fear is of something happening to me and my children not having a mother. It's terrible, and I wish I knew of a way to help myself too.
This is my response as well. I get really worried about things too. I seem to have this belief that just because something might go wrong at some point I can't relax ever and just be happy now. Even when I have been all checked out, like you say you have, I am still worried about it because IF it happened it would be SO terrible I can't stand it. I am working on it but it is really hard.

I have boys! My first baby boy was born 10/08 and my second baby boy was born 7/12

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#5 of 15 Old 10-25-2010, 08:34 PM
 
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I can join this party. I became a mom at 35 and then when I turned 40 it's like some big curtain pulled aside and I realized Oh Sh** I will die someday. And maybe I'm more closer to that day then when I was 20. Blah.

I am not a germaphobe or worry about specific illnesses (ok yeah cancer, I do think about) but I have a hard time not worrying about the future. I know it's a serious worry for me because I never mention to anyone IRL. The bigger the fear, the less I want to admit to it.

All I can do is remind myself that I am more than my individual parts, more than a statistic or symptom. Despite whatever is or isn't going on with my body - I am a lot more than that.

Rhianna
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#6 of 15 Old 10-25-2010, 09:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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All I can do is remind myself that I am more than my individual parts, more than a statistic or symptom. Despite whatever is or isn't going on with my body - I am a lot more than that.

Rhianna
I like what you wrote here!!! Wow, you are an inspiration!

I mention it to everyone to the point people get tired of hearing about it. My DH is getting tired of having to reassure me!
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#7 of 15 Old 10-25-2010, 10:18 PM
 
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You know what, I used to be JUST like this. I swear, I was the world's biggest hypochondriac. In elementary school I stayed home every other day because my stomach ache meant I MUST have appendicitis (now I think it was just lactose intolerance lol). I remember in middle school I got a horrible headache so I called my mom to come get me because I just KNEW I had a brain tumor & was going to die (of course I didn't tell THAT to my mom or the school nurse!) I checked myself for signs of meningitis every day throughout highschool. For most of DS's first year of life, I slept with my hand on him so I could always feel him breathing (and woke many times a night just to make sure he was alive).

I won't pretend my fears have completely gone away, but I'm doing much better these days. I think after years & years of 'knowing' I was going to die, it suddenly dawned on me that I was still alive. I had been wrong 10000 times. Maybe one day I'd be right, but it didn't seem a worthwhile pursuit to continue to pour all my energy into that 1 in 10000 chance.

I also developed some little coping techniques. For example, the brain tumor thing, sometimes I'd get a sharp sharp pain in my head that I thought meant tumor or aneurism. So I imagined the pain moving from my head down to my neck, then down to my stomach, then down to my big toe... I concentrated really really hard on the pain being in my big toe. Then I mentally moved the pain to a spot on the floor. It worked really well for me, and I realized if I could 'move' the pain then certainly it wasn't life-threatening pain!!

It's especially hard to deal with these if you have a mistrust of doctors. I've been sick (for real, but I'm not deathly ill, just chronically!!) for the last 5 years. Just recently, I found a doctor I actually trust. When HE ran tests and found nothing life-threateningly wrong, I believed him. When my previous doctors ran similar tests, I just *knew* they must be missing something. So, if you don't trust your doctors, get a new one. But most people with life-threatening illnesses DO have messed up bloodwork, so try repeating that to yourself, that your bloodwork etc. was fine...

I don't know what else to say right now... I'm currently hiding in the bathroom to get a break from my clingy toddler lol & I'm sure DH is wondering where I vanished to. But I'd love to chat with you more about this because I really do understand what you're going through.
~PurityLake~ likes this.

Co-sleeping is really wonderful when your child actually SLEEPS!! familybed1.gif
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#8 of 15 Old 10-25-2010, 10:24 PM
 
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OP, I could have wrote your post word for word. I do all the same things you do, and have all the same fears. You aren't alone. It sucks big time. My hypochondria comes and goes in waves, but when its bad, its bad. *hugs*

Amy, mommy to Ava, 6, Gavin, 4, Lila, 2, and Baby #4 due in early November! joy.gif
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#9 of 15 Old 10-25-2010, 10:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's especially hard to deal with these if you have a mistrust of doctors. I've been sick (for real, but I'm not deathly ill, just chronically!!) for the last 5 years. Just recently, I found a doctor I actually trust. When HE ran tests and found nothing life-threateningly wrong, I believed him. When my previous doctors ran similar tests, I just *knew* they must be missing something. So, if you don't trust your doctors, get a new one. But most people with life-threatening illnesses DO have messed up bloodwork, so try repeating that to yourself, that your bloodwork etc. was fine...

g
My thing is, what if now its not ya know? I hate living in such insecurities!
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#10 of 15 Old 10-25-2010, 10:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OP, I could have wrote your post word for word. I do all the same things you do, and have all the same fears. You aren't alone. It sucks big time. My hypochondria comes and goes in waves, but when its bad, its bad. *hugs*
It almost makes you feel like you are a prisoner in your own body!
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#11 of 15 Old 10-28-2010, 12:52 AM
 
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I have no idea if this relates to you or not, but I found that when I was obssessing over illness, I was really using that as a way to displace my other fears and anxieties that I didn't want to face. There are *always* "what ifs" in terms of disease and it doesn't get worse than death. What a limitless trove of worries! I could worry endlessly and no one could ever tell me with 100% certainty that it wouldn't happen. If I "spent my time and anxiety" there, maybe I didn't need to think about if my career change was the right choice. Or if I was really afraid of being infertile. Or that my relative's illness is real and I will need to say goodbye. I found that once I could shift this boulder of fear of terminal illness and shine a sliver of light on my *real* worries and make even a tiny bit of headway with them, the fears of random and catastrophic illness and death would subside.

So now, if I have a random health fear, I address it head on (letting it go only adds to the negative energy and worry power) and usually, a calm, simple visit to the doctor where I describe/show what has caused my concern can provide a pretty conclusive "Nope!" within a few minutes and then I start digging as to find out what is really making me anxious. And if I am honest with myself, its usually not too much digging .
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#12 of 15 Old 11-03-2010, 12:39 AM
 
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No advice; I am similar. I’ve always been a worrier, even as a child, but I never worried about death. As a child, I worried about things like killer bees, nuclear bombs, and tornados. But since becoming a parent I also worry constantly about the possible death of one of my children or myself.

My grandmother (who lived to be 102) always told me to stop worrying. She said I was wasting precious energy and time on something that most likely would never happen and that I should deal with things as they arise. (She dealt with a lot of hardship in her life and remained optimistic.) I remind myself of her advice...and then worry that the stress of my worrying will shorten my life.

I think some people are born worriers and need to constantly remind themselves all is fine. The nurses in the NICU told me my son was a worrier. They were correct; he worries about everything - including death .
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#13 of 15 Old 11-03-2010, 04:48 PM
 
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..and then worry that the stress of my worrying will shorten my life.
I could have written this! That is me, as well.
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#14 of 15 Old 11-03-2010, 05:30 PM
 
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I'm so sorry that you are suffering so much from this worry .

The unfortunate truth is we are all going to die and most of us don't know when or how. The good part is we are here today, alive and healthy. You cannot control the future. The only thing you have any power over is the present. Today you are here on this earth and you are healthy. That's the only thing that matters. Say tomorrow you find out you've got some terrible illness, why spoil today, isn't today worth living to the full?

I lost my mother to cancer as a child. I was 1 of 5 children the youngest was 4, the oldest 11. We are all happy well-adjusted adults today with families of our own. My father eventually married again. My mother died when she was 37. I'm now 39 and have 2 young children of my own. I expect to live to a ripe old age and see them graduate, settle down, have families of their own or find their own paths in life. But I don't take that for granted. I know that my life could be cut short just as anyone else's. That's why I am so thankful to be alive today. I appreciate every day I have with my kids. And I want to feel that should anything happen to me, my kids will have happy memories of the time they had with me and that I was instrumental in them growing up to be well-adjusted adults.

Earlier this year an aunt of mine died of cancer at the age of 72. When she learned that she was dying she said, 'I've had a good life, a happy life'. I hope I can say that on my death bed.
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#15 of 15 Old 11-05-2010, 11:50 AM
 
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I go through rough times like this. I have never met my father and he is one of 2 men, one of which I recently found out died at age 50, who had diabetes and MS, this scares the crap out of me. My mom died at 44 of cancer, so I don't feel like I have much of a chance, of course this guy is only 50/50 chance of being my father, i fear premature death, but not death itself. I suffered horrible symptoms this summer, which are still unexplained, I dont think the worse, though, I just research until I figure out it could have been a vitamin deficiency related to weight loss, but the idea of MS still lingers in my mind, but is not warrenting of death itself, just the idea of having a debilitating illness scares me. I have really had strange ailments as a teen, but the past is the past, and dr.'s don't like to connect the dots, I had an epileptic seizure, but all that was found was that i had abnormal brain waves, no tumors etc. But the truth is, seizures are not normal, but i don't think that that will be the death of me. I am 16 weeks pregnant, it took a very long time to get pregnant, i was beginning to stress, there must be something wrong with me, but I guess not. Now I discovered a sun spot that i am freaking out about, I will wait until my next visit in 2 1/2 weeks but it is stressing me out, because i know the warning signs of skin cancer and I have close relatives that have had skin cancer, my aunt had it at 21, so it is scaring me, the upcoming sonogram is being overshadowed by this sun spot and I am wanting my appt to get here sooner because of it. So yes I can relate, the internet makes it easier to check your symptoms and in some cases worry ourselves more than we should, but i suppose it has also saved some lives as well. But yes, death now scares me, death in 30-40 years, not so much!

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