What do you think about my Mother situation.. - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-30-2010, 06:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am asking for advice here, before I do anything.

Okay, so thanks to leaving my abusive STBX, I am now living in my parent's attic again. I am having to take some college classes to keep my teaching license active, so I am in the unusual position of not being able to relocate at this time to get a better job. We don't have a lot of teaching positions where I live, and I am more than happy to move out of state now that I am almost divorced and can do whatever I want to with my life- but I am stuck here until May when I finish my classes. So that is some background there.

Math is math, and I simply do not make enough money at my current teaching job to afford to live on my own. Thanks to my husband, I don't have any friends that I can live with. I can't get a second job while working and being a college student, mainly because I have sleep apnea and I consider sleeping to be essential.

I haven't really had any issues living here since I left my husband. It has all been recent. I take care of my own bills, kick in for food, try to shower at the gym so I wont use their water, etc. I have offered rent repeatedly but my Dad wont take it.

So, basically, I don't consider myself to be that much of a burden on them. Especially when every time I mention plans to move out I am encouraged NOT to move out. So, I just wanted to make it clear to everyone here that I am not an entitled brat living off of my parents because I feel it is their job to support me, I am not. It is MY job to support me, and I feel that I have done that fairly well.

I do prefer to be left alone, though, which could be a problem. They do not cook healthy foods. I am very obese, if you have read my other thread. I pay someone $1 a minute to tell me how to eat, and so, well, I can't eat with them. They eat at 4 PM and my schedule doesn't even have me home until sometimes 7 or even 8 at night. So it is hard for me to eat at 4 on weekends. I tried really hard to eat my food with them early, but that messes up my schedule. If I don't eat their food, she gets mad at me for it. I have offered to cook for them on the weekends but she says no. I tried making their dinner time my lunch time, but that did not work out for me either. When I sit down for family meals with them, someone mentions my STBX. I dislike talking about him. I know I made a mistake marrying him, I do not feel that I need to be reminded daily. So I have had to set a boundary that I will leave the room if they start talking about him or how I was crazy to marry him, etc.

I can sit down with my Dad before work or in the evenings and we can have good conversation. With my Mother, that just isn't happening.

For example, I have been feeling sick for a week or so. I had a bad cough, but wasn't sure if it was allergy related or a true sickness. I am a teacher, so it is not really possible for me to just come and go like I please from my job. Perhaps in an office my presence wouldn't be missed. But I am fairly certain that my 17 students would notice my absence. So I decided to go to a walk in place after my work day ended.

It was $30 to go there, after insurance. Plus I had to have medication so that was $20. Not that it matters, but a friend of mine *not local so that is not a roommate possibility* recently gave me some money to help cover my therapy costs, so the money to see the doctor came from that money. Basically, I didn't pay for it myself.

Well my Mom went off this morning, yelling because I should have called my old family doctor because she is sure he would have seen me for free if I asked nicely. Well, yes, I am sure he would have seen me for free if I asked nicely. However, it was a Friday afternoon when I felt so sick that I thought I needed a doctor, the average wait time in his office waiting room is at least two hours because he is always behind, and who was going to take over in my classroom while I was gone? It just made sense to me to pay the $30 to see a doctor that I could fit in to my schedule.

I don't understand why it is any of her business, anyway, what I spend my money on? I pay as much of my own way in this house as my Father allows me to do. I take care of all of my own bills. I left an abusive husband and funded my own divorce. I paid off 4 medical bills that I had from when I went blind last year without asking for even one penny from my parents. I did that all on my own. So why is it okay for her to make me feel guilty for a $30 co-pay? That technically I did not even pay for myself?

Am I wrong in that? I am a responsible person. I don't do anything illegal, I don't get in to trouble. The craziest thing I do is sometimes I go to dinner with some coworkers. That is as wild as it gets around here, folks.

Another issue is my homework. Because I work and I have recently started therapy, nutrition counseling and going to the gym, I mainly complete my assignments on weekends.

She will interrupt me multiple times a day on the weekends. She will come in to my room and want to argue. She picks fights and my Dad feels the same way, she does it to him, too. So at least I know I am not the only one. I tell her that I am doing homework. I can spend hours, no joke, hours doing one section of the assignment. That is how hard it is. I have to get a certain GPA to keep my license, plus I paid over $900 for the class and the books. It is really important to me that I do well in this class. When she comes up here to interrupt me and starts complaining about me, it makes me cranky, moody and my blood pressure goes up. I take two medicines for high blood pressure, so I am very aware of when it is high. I have tried being nice and asking for her to please let me finish my assignment, then she can yell all she wants, whatever. Just let me get it done first. Yet, in an hour, there she is again. The only thing that works is being grouchy. I do not like that, I do not want to be grouchy because that just gives her a reason to bitch to everyone that I am ungrateful.

The worst part is, is that sometimes I wish I could go back to my husband. Sometimes I think his physical abuse was easier than her emotional abuse. Which is sick, I know.

So any advice? I am probably stuck here until July. I am trying my best to make the best of it. It just gets hard sometimes. It is almost 5 PM and I still have not completed my assignment because of multiple interruptions.

No, I do not have a lock on the door. I wish!

I feel like maybe I am being unreasonable? It is one thing if she just wants to talk, but quite another when she just wants to nag and bitch.

One thing I plan to work on in therapy is how to be assertive. I am not good at that. I do not ever want anyone to think I am mean to them. I think I might be extra sensitive thanks to STBX. I just feel that it is unfair to be nagged every day. I am 32 years old and people trust me to educate their children. I am not stupid or incompetent. I have a degree, am working towards another and I got out of a really bad marriage. I have accomplished a lot in my life time, and I just feel that she could be more sensitive to me.

Perhaps I need less advice and more hugs? I don't know. I feel that I do not have friends to talk to. So I am talking here.

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Old 10-30-2010, 09:20 PM
 
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{{hugs}} Sounds like you mom is a very toxic person. I'm so sorry! Can your dad talk to her? If the two of you keep a united front when you confront her about her pestering, maybe it would help sink into her that she is out of line.
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Old 10-30-2010, 10:22 PM
 
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I would definitely go to a local or college library to study. (There's no way I could deal with that kind of harassment. Like you, I'm not a confronter and since you have to deal with the situation -can't move out-, not being there when you have to study would be so much better.)

I'm also wondering if you could find a few friends in your classes or among co-workers. Just people to fill your mind with things different from what your mother says to you.

Sending hugs your way.

P.S. I promise you: You don't want your mother chasing you back into a bad situation. Better to grit your teeth, deal with it, then move asap when the opportunity arises.
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Old 10-30-2010, 10:52 PM
 
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I was going to suggest you try a coffee shop or a library, bookstore, something like that for doing homework. It'll be easier to focus if she's not coming in to badger you all the time.

It doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable, but family dynamics are difficult, imo. I love my mom to death, but I'm pretty sure I could never live with her again.

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Old 10-31-2010, 12:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't own a laptop, so that leaves me with my university's library. According to the wonderful Intuitive Jamie, I should meet my dream man at a library. So perhaps this is the push I need to go and find him there.

Thanks for letting me vent, that helped more than anything.

It is hard for me to relate to my mother. After years in therapy, I still haven't figured that one out, yet.

It is just hard for me, because I am easily distracted. So once I am on a roll, I am on a roll and I don't want to stop. I will talk to my Dad about it.

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Old 10-31-2010, 01:03 AM
 
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I agree, if you aren't around she can't harass you.

Another question: If you spent 30 minutes in the living room with her, socializing, would she leave you alone for a few hours? It might be worth it

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Old 10-31-2010, 01:54 AM
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I would definitely go to a local or college library to study. (There's no way I could deal with that kind of harassment. Like you, I'm not a confronter and since you have to deal with the situation -can't move out-, not being there when you have to study would be so much better.)

I'm also wondering if you could find a few friends in your classes or among co-workers. Just people to fill your mind with things different from what your mother says to you.

Sending hugs your way.

P.S. I promise you: You don't want your mother chasing you back into a bad situation. Better to grit your teeth, deal with it, then move asap when the opportunity arises.


And get a calendar to mark off the days until July!

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:27 AM
 
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Another vote for the library! And you mentioned being more assertive? It's really hard to do that when your living arrangement makes it impossible for you to follow through. If you lived somewhere else, you could gently tell your mother you'll be back another time when you can, and just leave; I guess what I'm saying is, please don't get too convinced that this is something /you/ could do differently. You are kicking some serious a$$ here, doing it well, and it's a tough haul. Be kind to yourself.

Empty-nesting SAHM to DS1 (1989), DS2 (1992), and an overachieving mother (1930). Married to DH since 1986.
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Old 10-31-2010, 04:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It took me almost 3 hours to complete 1/3rd of my assignment.

Anyway, my Mom started in on me again. Today she wants me to get an xray because I fell yesterday. I landed on my forearm/wrist. It is funny to me because the day before she freaked for going to the doctor. Now she wants me to spend how ever much on an xray? She confuses me. Anyhow, I don't think I truly need an xray. It is just bruised and sore, no swelling. I already have splints because of my carpal tunnel so I am just wearing those.

Anyhow, she was going on and on so I said firmly, "Mom, we are not doing this again today. I am trying to do my homework." And that was that. She hasn't come up again since.

Back to finish it now.

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Old 10-31-2010, 07:40 PM
 
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Anyhow, she was going on and on so I said firmly, "Mom, we are not doing this again today. I am trying to do my homework." And that was that. She hasn't come up again since.

Back to finish it now.
Good for you! One boundary at a time. You were firm, but not mean. It sounds to me like you're really learning.

And if it doesn't work at home, then yes, the library it is. When I REALLY need to get papers graded, I can't do it at home. There's nothing like an uncomfortable chair to motivate me!

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Old 10-31-2010, 08:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Update: I did go to get an xray because it was bothering me so much. There is money that I don't have. The ankle and wrist are both okay, just very badly bruised. I was given something for the pain. I hope the insurance pays for a lot of this. If not, I will make it work. I just hate stressing over money constantly.

Before I left, she wanted to look at my wrist. She grabbed it, it hurt like you-know-what, so I flinched and pulled it away. She yelled at me and said I was hateful and mean.

I truly don't understand her. She hurt me, I felt the pain, I pulled it away. I don't know how that makes me either mean or hateful. But whatever.

I think I will start looking for a better job. I think I need to make that a priority. Every little bit extra money will help me in my goal to move out.

Is it sad that I cried after she called me hateful and mean? I feel pathetic.

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Old 10-31-2010, 08:20 PM
 
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First off, I want to say that you are on of the most inspiring people on this board. You sound so centered in the face of all of this.

The good new is that you will be out in just a few months. will your dad agree to let you put a lock on your door? ITA with pp-- maybe do homework in the library?

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Old 10-31-2010, 09:01 PM
 
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Is it sad that I cried after she called me hateful and mean? I feel pathetic.
Nope, I would have cried, too. In fact, I cried last week b/c I thought my mom *might* have thought I was mean.

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Old 10-31-2010, 09:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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First off, I want to say that you are on of the most inspiring people on this board. You sound so centered in the face of all of this.

The good new is that you will be out in just a few months. will your dad agree to let you put a lock on your door? ITA with pp-- maybe do homework in the library?
Thank you very much for saying that. A lot of times I feel put down. Nothing is good enough for my parents, my boss, etc. And of course nothing was ever good enough for STBX. So I feel like my self esteem is in the toilet. It makes me feel good that someone out there thinks I am doing something right for a change!

ribbonpurple.gif  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
   
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Old 11-01-2010, 12:43 AM
 
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First off, I want to say that you are on of the most inspiring people on this board. You sound so centered in the face of all of this.
I don't post often, but I am really inspired by all the changes you have made and how far you've come in your journey. You are an amazing woman!!! I just wish you lived closer. I'd love to hang out sometime, or just offer a quiet room to study.
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Old 11-01-2010, 03:49 PM
 
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i just wanted to say i love you and i also find you inspirational! i'm sorry for what you're going through. get ye to the library!
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Old 11-02-2010, 12:30 AM
 
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I once had an argument with my mother over the brand of shampoo that I use. She decided that it was the wrong kind and we argued about it for two weeks. I was 32.

It wasn't really about the shampoo. It was about her forcing me to do what she told me to do and me refusing to take orders from my mother.

She didn't really care about the kind of shampoo. She just cared that I wasn't obeying her.
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Old 11-02-2010, 01:06 PM
 
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She didn't really care about the kind of shampoo. She just cared that I wasn't obeying her.
this is like me and stbx. it's so dumb.
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Old 11-02-2010, 08:30 PM
 
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First of all, you did great (post #9)

Second of all, your reaction to your mom's anger was perfectly normal. She hurt you and then she got angry because you responded normally. Perhaps she felt guilty and that made her angry. In any case, her reaction was not healthy. Yours was.

Third, when you are out of the toxic atmosphere, then you can heal. It sounds like you're making plans to extricate yourself. I expect you'll be out of there one day. Remember, though, to give yourself time to heal - from your mother and your STBX. I made the mistake of marrying while my x was still "in my face". Not good. Now he is dead, and I'm divorced (and away) from the second one. Now I can heal.

You can't see how awesome you are because you're in the middle of it. One day, you can look back and wonder how you ever managed to survive. Then you can appreciate and marvel at the wonderfully resilient and strong person you really are.
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Old 11-02-2010, 09:24 PM
 
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Has she always been like this? (I only ask because I go the impression - from some where in your post - that your Dad noticed the yelling too.) Anyway, my only thought is, if this is something new perhaps she needs a physical? To determine if she's going through something medical. If this is new, perhaps you could put a bug in your dad's ear about him getting her to the doc?

I don't know, just a thought .......

(Although another strong vote for being at the library whenever possible.)
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Old 11-02-2010, 09:54 PM
 
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hi Jamie -- I agree you have come a long long way!

Remember - you cant change other people only yourself and how you react to them.

Many years ago a counsellor told me something I have hung onto .. she said to me "Always remember - nobody - absolutely nobody - gets to determine your self worth".

Jamie - remember that she can critisize you all she wants and put you down but it has nothing to do with who you really are or your worth.

on another note -- Is it possible that you can find a roomate -- and move out now -- at least the expenses would be shared. .. just a thot
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Old 11-03-2010, 04:29 PM
 
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Hi, you have come such a long way. A lot of times when people are starting to heal and get better, their significant others have a hard time adjusting. It's like they want you to stay unhealthy. Because otherwise it changes the dynamic of the relationship and makes them have to look at themselves. People don't want to change themselves. I think your Mom may be having a hard time with your positive growth.

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Old 11-03-2010, 07:30 PM
 
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Hi, you have come such a long way. A lot of times when people are starting to heal and get better, their significant others have a hard time adjusting. It's like they want you to stay unhealthy. Because otherwise it changes the dynamic of the relationship and makes them have to look at themselves. People don't want to change themselves. I think your Mom may be having a hard time with your positive growth.
There is a lot of truth in this. I've seen it played out a number of times.

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Old 11-03-2010, 07:45 PM
 
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Is it sad that I cried after she called me hateful and mean?
It's your MOM! That's not sad that you cried, I would be sobbing for hours.



Living with parents as an adult is tough.

I remember I moved to my mom's away from my husband. And I was thinking, "Wow, that actually wasn't that bad. Maybe I just dislike other PEOPLE?"

She's passive-aggressive, normal, not abusive, but hard to communicate with. It's tough!

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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