I just discovered the Personal Growth forum today, and hope it's okay if I jump right in! I'll probably ramble a bit, as I've never really shared these thoughts with anyone other than DH, since I know most people would look at me like I suddenly grew a 3rd eye or something.
Anyways, a little bit of background - I'm a Canadian who's been living in the US for the past 8 years (moved here for work). I'm now a SAHM raising our 3.5 year old son while DH works full-time in the legal field. Even prior to moving to the US, I was somewhat disillusioned with our society. Leaving Canada has only made it worse. I just feel like this is not how we are supposed to live, or at least not how I am supposed to live. We're in a townhouse with no yard, surrounded by stuff we've bought, and isolated from a community that we'd connect with. I never realized how important being close to family would be until I had my son. I also never thought about how much I'd want easy access to nature and the freedom to live in harmony with the world around me. I mean, I had thought about those things, but all of a sudden they are so important to me! And I kind of live in this depressed stupor because they are so unattainable right now. DH's career requires living in an urban setting, unless he commutes for hours a day and we never see him. With the housing market the way it is, we're stuck in a house that we own by a thread (meaning we are just barely right-side up on the mortgage, despite putting 20% down). And even if we somehow managed to find a way to somewhat remove ourselves from this culture and find a place that I dream of, I have no idea how I'd even manage to adjust - I've never lived like that before, growing my own food and just taking care of ourselves!
But anyways, to the point of my title. Today I was bored and searching real estate near my hometown in Canada, where my mom and brother still live. And I found this house. Kind of in the middle of nowhere, but still only 45 minutes to an hour from my mom. Surrounded by these beautiful trees, just a walk to the lake. The home is stunning. They have a barn and a chicken coop (with chickens!) Land to garden on. Places to get outside and explore. And somewhat affordable - I mean, it's a great price if you compare it to where we live now, although still a stretch. And then I can expand the dream even further. My brother and his wife already live kind of like how I'd like to - more sustainably, more active, etc. They don't have any kids and likely won't (my SIL is quite a bit older than me or my brother), but I know would just be wonderful with DS. The house has a separate suite with it's own kitchen/bathroom/bedroom, and ample space in the rest of the house for more people. I'm probably crazy to even consider it, but what if we all lived together, and kind of had our own space and shared space. My SIL could teach me how to garden and care for the home, and we could all work together to create that family community. I've read before about how humans lived for thousands of years in tribes, as small groups of people together, and how it's only in the last hundreds of years that our culture has moved so far away from that. And I just feel like I need that sort of lifestyle, a tribe of sorts or at least family, to live with and to help us raise our son. Not because we need help, but because it'll make our life enjoyable and worthwhile and satisfying, if that makes sense.
So anyways, the point of the rambling - there's like 0.0001% chance we'd ever be able to make this dream happen. There is no work in DH's current field in my hometown, so he'd have to change careers completely, or find some crazy way to work remotely. And if we sold our townhouse, we'd basically walk away with nothing, so we'd be losing quite a bit of money and have nothing to pay for the new house. And I have no idea if my brother and SIL would ever want to live with us, or even if it would work out - I know I could live with my brother, and my SIL is great, but I've only met her twice IRL because she met my brother after I moved to the US. But it's like having this dream of this life I want to live, and then actually catching a glimpse of it that could happen in reality, and even though I know it's so, so, so unlikely to ever happen, I can't stop thinking about it!
And in the meantime, I get more and more depressed in my current life. I love my husband, I adore my son, and we are so fortunate to have things and be comfortable and all that. But I just feel trapped and isolated and disconnected from the world. I don't have many friends, I have a hard time finding people I connect with. I'm gaining weight, I'm inactive, and I know it's no excuse not to take charge of my life and making the best of what we have, but I just get caught up in feeling powerless to change and get out.
Anyways, I apologize for rambling, especially on my first post in this forum
As I said, I rarely talk about this to others because most people don't really get the whole "I'm unhappy with our culture and want to go live in a tribe" thing
But man, seeing that house listing today and actually imagining what it would be like is kinda crazy!