Rambling - when you catch a glimpse of a dream... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 11-03-2010, 01:28 AM - Thread Starter
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I just discovered the Personal Growth forum today, and hope it's okay if I jump right in! I'll probably ramble a bit, as I've never really shared these thoughts with anyone other than DH, since I know most people would look at me like I suddenly grew a 3rd eye or something.

Anyways, a little bit of background - I'm a Canadian who's been living in the US for the past 8 years (moved here for work). I'm now a SAHM raising our 3.5 year old son while DH works full-time in the legal field. Even prior to moving to the US, I was somewhat disillusioned with our society. Leaving Canada has only made it worse. I just feel like this is not how we are supposed to live, or at least not how I am supposed to live. We're in a townhouse with no yard, surrounded by stuff we've bought, and isolated from a community that we'd connect with. I never realized how important being close to family would be until I had my son. I also never thought about how much I'd want easy access to nature and the freedom to live in harmony with the world around me. I mean, I had thought about those things, but all of a sudden they are so important to me! And I kind of live in this depressed stupor because they are so unattainable right now. DH's career requires living in an urban setting, unless he commutes for hours a day and we never see him. With the housing market the way it is, we're stuck in a house that we own by a thread (meaning we are just barely right-side up on the mortgage, despite putting 20% down). And even if we somehow managed to find a way to somewhat remove ourselves from this culture and find a place that I dream of, I have no idea how I'd even manage to adjust - I've never lived like that before, growing my own food and just taking care of ourselves!

But anyways, to the point of my title. Today I was bored and searching real estate near my hometown in Canada, where my mom and brother still live. And I found this house. Kind of in the middle of nowhere, but still only 45 minutes to an hour from my mom. Surrounded by these beautiful trees, just a walk to the lake. The home is stunning. They have a barn and a chicken coop (with chickens!) Land to garden on. Places to get outside and explore. And somewhat affordable - I mean, it's a great price if you compare it to where we live now, although still a stretch. And then I can expand the dream even further. My brother and his wife already live kind of like how I'd like to - more sustainably, more active, etc. They don't have any kids and likely won't (my SIL is quite a bit older than me or my brother), but I know would just be wonderful with DS. The house has a separate suite with it's own kitchen/bathroom/bedroom, and ample space in the rest of the house for more people. I'm probably crazy to even consider it, but what if we all lived together, and kind of had our own space and shared space. My SIL could teach me how to garden and care for the home, and we could all work together to create that family community. I've read before about how humans lived for thousands of years in tribes, as small groups of people together, and how it's only in the last hundreds of years that our culture has moved so far away from that. And I just feel like I need that sort of lifestyle, a tribe of sorts or at least family, to live with and to help us raise our son. Not because we need help, but because it'll make our life enjoyable and worthwhile and satisfying, if that makes sense.

So anyways, the point of the rambling - there's like 0.0001% chance we'd ever be able to make this dream happen. There is no work in DH's current field in my hometown, so he'd have to change careers completely, or find some crazy way to work remotely. And if we sold our townhouse, we'd basically walk away with nothing, so we'd be losing quite a bit of money and have nothing to pay for the new house. And I have no idea if my brother and SIL would ever want to live with us, or even if it would work out - I know I could live with my brother, and my SIL is great, but I've only met her twice IRL because she met my brother after I moved to the US. But it's like having this dream of this life I want to live, and then actually catching a glimpse of it that could happen in reality, and even though I know it's so, so, so unlikely to ever happen, I can't stop thinking about it!

And in the meantime, I get more and more depressed in my current life. I love my husband, I adore my son, and we are so fortunate to have things and be comfortable and all that. But I just feel trapped and isolated and disconnected from the world. I don't have many friends, I have a hard time finding people I connect with. I'm gaining weight, I'm inactive, and I know it's no excuse not to take charge of my life and making the best of what we have, but I just get caught up in feeling powerless to change and get out.

Anyways, I apologize for rambling, especially on my first post in this forum As I said, I rarely talk about this to others because most people don't really get the whole "I'm unhappy with our culture and want to go live in a tribe" thing But man, seeing that house listing today and actually imagining what it would be like is kinda crazy!

Loving mommy to DS, born April 2007.  Trying for baby #2 since December 2008. 
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#2 of 6 Old 11-03-2010, 06:33 AM
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I frequently read this forum, but haven't posted yet. In fact, I am quite a lurker in that I spend a lot of time reading these forums, but very little time posting in them...

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I have been nurturing a similar fantasy lately. I work full time, but feel that I belong with my children. My townhouse feels similarly stifling. I won't be able to make any of the type of changes you are talking about for a very long time...

I just wanted to you don't sound crazy to me. I enjoyed your post.

DD 5/09 and a new little one 4/11
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#3 of 6 Old 11-03-2010, 10:14 AM
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I have no real advice to give but, I think your dream sounds lovely. I am a firm believer that if you want something, you first need to really believe that it is attainable and you need to be able to see it happening in your mind, and to me this is the very first step in making something happen in your life.

There are lots of places like the one you describe in your post, even in or near urban areas. Have you thought about checking out the real estate near where you live now?

And i wanted to share some of my favorite real estate sites with you, lol! just because I am a real estate dreamer myself (I am a former real estate agent and i just love looking through property listings)

These sites have awesome properties all over the place:



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#4 of 6 Old 11-04-2010, 04:25 PM
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I totally get where you are coming from. I think by and large we are a society disconnected from each other and our families and that many, many stay at home parents are isolated and lonesome. It seems to me that this IS NOT the way to live, yet here we are. (I am in a western city 1000's of miles from family and at the time of my dd's birth 6 years ago I had no friends here iether).

Anyway, I think it is great to dream and revise, and dream some more. A lot of our dreams have taken a huge hit because of the current economy and we are all 'stuck' where we are for now.

Some things to try in your area that may help your depression and current situation... well, I could not live without a garden. Are there any community gardens in your area? Maybe a vacant lot or some land where you could start one? What about parks? Are you getting out of doors everyday... for long periods. Packing a lunch and just park hoping or taking a short drive to the edge of town or whatever?

As far as finding like minded friends... the internet is such a good resourse. It seems that you could look for a class to take, or start a parenting meeting group, or advertise on local boards for friendship.

Keep the dreams alive and get your dh to start dreaming too.... intention is a powerful thing.

not all who wander are lost
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#5 of 6 Old 11-04-2010, 05:48 PM
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As far as friends go I do have 'friends' IRL but although I get along with them fine none of them have the same mindset I do so I can't talk to them about a lot of things. I come here for that.

I understand seeing the dream and not knowing if/when it will happen but it is possible. You just have to wait for the right opportunity to come along. One thing that helps me while I'm waiting to have my dreams fulfilled is preparing for them. You want a little homestead then start planning it. Where do you want the property? What type of property? How much land? Buy with home or build your own? What do you want to do with the property once you get it? Raise animals? Pick out what types, why you want them, and how many you'll need along with supplies for them. Start learning about the animals. Garden? Orchard? Grow your own food? Figure out what you want to grow and research gardening and varities for the area you want to be in.

You can even start learning other skills you may want to use one day like crocheting, knitting, sewing, canning, or bread making. You can do a lot where you are now and then your dreams will be that much closer. Someone could hand you the deed to your dream property right now but what would you do with it? Do you even know how to do those things? Start learning. It may help you feel better about things at least for now. I know it has helped me.

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#6 of 6 Old 11-05-2010, 12:12 AM
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I know EXACTLY what you mean about the glimpse of a dream! In fact, I've almost posted here about trying to get over the jealousy because of it.

Last year about this time, my DH put in for a job that would require us moving to a country I've always wanted to live (and he had contacts for the position, and it seemed like he had a pretty decent chance at getting it - not just randomly applying for a job you see in the newspaper or whatever). The week after he put in for the job, my best friend who I met in college & now lives far away called & told me her DH was probably going to be assigned to the same city where DH had put in for the job! And we would be there at the exact same time! And we both would likely be trying to get pg towards the end of our stay there! It would be AWESOME!!

Except DH didn't get the job, and now I'm still stuck here, hearing all about the amazing time she's having, and missing her even more then I used to. To really rub it in, 2 other people we knew in college & who I/we keep in touch with sporadically have moved to the same country in the past 3 months. So they are where *I* want to be, getting to hang out with *my* best friend. Or at least they could, if they wanted to. Neither of us was very close with either of the others, so I think she's only gotten together with one of them one time, but still - at least they have the option! So not fair. If I think about this anymore, I am going to start crying, so I'll leave it there.

So yeah, I've had the glimpse, and it really, really SUCKS. I just try to distract myself, and am working towards saving up for a trip there. Though I think DH's most recent hospital stay just killed any chance of that. And that is one thing to be thankful for - over the summer DH started having health problems that are only now starting to be resolved (and probably only temporarily), and it would have been much more difficult trying to deal with everything that comes with that with a language barrier. So that's another thing you can do - remind yourself that there are bad sides to everything, too!
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