The Aftermath of Changing your outlook... - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 4 Old 11-08-2010, 04:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
delightedbutterfly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,629
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 16 Post(s)
How do you cope?

I have been through a lot of personal building, boundary setting and positive self change. While I am still working on it, so much has changed that my life "can't" stay the same because I don't WANT it to stay the same.

How does one deal with so much change. I feel like so much HAS changed that I am holding on to other stuff because I am scared to let go. It's more change and it's scary.

I am still working on boundaries and standing up for myself. It's coming but it's hard. One of the man things in life that I am really trying to do is to not judge others. I will admit that is HARD I grew up around VERY passive agressive judgements and judgmental people. And I married into a very similar family. Anything from not agreeing about something to underhanded racism to intolerance of choices they would not make are culprits.

I definitely still judge but I am getting really good at following any mental or verbal judging with reasons or ways the other person has chosen as such.

But now I am realizing that people I considered good friends are just mentally draining. But I realize *I* am probably not a walk in the park either some days.

Have has anyone else dealt with the aftermath of changing who you are or your outlook on life? Does anyone life in a very judgmental area? How do you find friends? How to you allow yourself to move past the relationships you have outgrown without hurt or regret? How do you keep working on yourself and keeping a more positive sense of self?
Posted via Mobile Device

Mom to two beautiful girls and  ****5****10****15****20****25****30****35***40**

Come check out MDC's Updated User Agreement  
delightedbutterfly is online now  
#2 of 4 Old 11-08-2010, 04:59 AM
 
coyotemist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Pacific NW near a lovely mountain
Posts: 1,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Aftermath...yes, and it's very hard. You have to leave some people behind, or hope they get inspired to come along for the ride. You can't hold onto energy-suckers anymore. It's often sad, but sometimes the old relationships bring up the old behavior patterns.

My new outlook led me to go to school, get a new job, and keep on making the right decisions. It's been the best thing I've ever done for myself. I know that I've unintentionally hurt some people in the process, but I know that some of my friends have grown because I've been able to say "I can't continue to support this behavior" and in turn, they get stronger and they say "I really don't like it when you act like this" so I get stronger.

As for judgement...I've developed a much stronger sense of what is "right" and what is "wrong". I've cleared up some moral questions in my life, and cleared away a lot of uncertainty in this process. For example, I'm totally accepting of any sort of relationship in my friends, but totally unsupportive of cheating (this has come up twice recently). So I still make judgements, but try not to make them the mean sort. It's difficult to raise children and teach them a sense of right and wrong if you don't make some sort of judgement.

"Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"~Mary Oliver

RT knitting mama  to 3 (& 8 who didn't make it) wife working on 13 years to a silly man who drives me crazy.
coyotemist is offline  
#3 of 4 Old 11-08-2010, 10:40 AM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,606
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 52 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by coyotemist View Post
So I still make judgements, but try not to make them the mean sort.
I think of it as "clear seeing" coupled with "compassion."

I also think that we all choose the role we want to play in life. We can choose to be less judgmental, while allowing others to choose other paths (such as racism). If someone makes a racist comment around me, I ask them not to do it again because I just don't care for it, and then I have the option of not spending excessive time around them if it is uncomfortable. It's not that they are *bad* and I am *good,* it's just that we are making different choices that don't go together well.

I think that life is an opportunity for our souls to learn from experiences, and I know that I lack the ability to know what other lessons people are supposed to be learning or how they are doing with their own lessons. Therefore, I lack the ability to *judge* how they are doing. Even when they engage in something I prefer to not have in my life, I still don't know what it really means for them on their path.

And nobody is a walk in the park everyday! We are all flawed! We recently moved cross country, so I'm in the process of making new friends, too. I'm doing things that I enjoy and feed my soul, and trusting the universe to bring people across my path that are positive and encourage me to be my highest self. And laugh easily.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#4 of 4 Old 11-08-2010, 12:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
delightedbutterfly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,629
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 16 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
I think that life is an opportunity for our souls to learn from experiences, and I know that I lack the ability to know what other lessons people are supposed to be learning or how they are doing with their own lessons. Therefore, I lack the ability to *judge* how they are doing. Even when they engage in something I prefer to not have in my life, I still don't know what it really means for them on their path.

And nobody is a walk in the park everyday! We are all flawed! We recently moved cross country, so I'm in the process of making new friends, too. I'm doing things that I enjoy and feed my soul, and trusting the universe to bring people across my path that are positive and encourage me to be my highest self. And laugh easily.
YES! That's how I feel.

And I can completely say I am flawed! I just know that with one relationship in particular we had gotten really close. Really really close and lately I have noticed her drawing away from me since going through everything. Part of me wonders if it's the fact the she doesn't like my new outlook or if it's because I have not been answering some of her emails or ignoring the parts I don't agree with. She has NO problem complaining or telling her opinion to someone else but gets frustrated when anyone speaks their mind towards her.

And I moved to DH's hometown which is only a half hour from before but it's proving difficult to connect with other moms out here. I just haven't been able to move past the surface relationships yet.

I have always found it takes me a couple years to know if I truly feel comfortable with someone. And I do have a few other mom friends that I really enjoy but they are working and weekends and evenings are usually for family.

I just don't want to regret anything. I know I can let the relationship just naturally decline and that's probably what will happen anyways. It's headed there. But I wonder if I shouldn't be trying to put more energy in to keep it more than acquaintances?

And on the other hand I also live in a very "wannabe perfectionist" place. If you don't agree or have the right answer then you are automatically ignored. But I want to live true to who I am! I don't care how anyone else lives. Really truly! I just want the same respect.
Posted via Mobile Device

Mom to two beautiful girls and  ****5****10****15****20****25****30****35***40**

Come check out MDC's Updated User Agreement  
delightedbutterfly is online now  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off