How to let go of "perfectionist" and embrace "happy-go-lucky" - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 11-11-2010, 08:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm interested in: stressing less and savoring more, forgiving myself for unimportant errors, putting my family (and maybe even myself) before my work, saving worry only for when it's necessary, counting my blessings, sitting still and doing nothing at all sometimes, and generally remembering to be content. 

 

I'm trying to reform as a people-pleaser perfectionist, meaning I should get away with "good enough" and "better than nothing" at work.  I loathe the thought of being seen as lazy, but I want to learn not to care.  I want to loosen up.  I want to roll with it. 

 

So...how?  Are there any books you'd recommend?  A daily affirmation?  A mantra? 

 

If it helps to know, yes, I felt I had to be Perfect Girl growing up.  My parents' scary marriage left no room for my feelings or my needs. I like to always get 100%.  I generally don't like to make people mad.  I'm very sensitive (which I am learning to regard as an asset, but that's putting a positive spin on it).  There is a sense of humor in there somewhere, but it needs some exercise.  I'm too hard on myself.  I'm the breadwinner.  You get the idea.

 

Thanks for any advice--and if I have any company in wanting to make this change, well, I'd love to hear from you. 

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#2 of 12 Old 11-12-2010, 06:43 AM
 
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My very favorite self-help book is "you can heal you life" by Louise Hay.

 

An affirmation that I like that comes to mind as I read your post is "I am enough, I have enough, I do enough."

 

I had to be Perfect Girl growing up too, but I couldn't do it so in the teens I gave up and became Bad Girl. Bad Girl was something I could manage, something I could be really successful with. After I got married and had kids, I had to be Super Mom (I think to make up for being Bad Girl all those years) until I completely burned myself out and exploded. I did lots of work, lots of growth and eventually figured out how to just be me.

 

Good luck with your journey!


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#3 of 12 Old 11-12-2010, 01:54 PM
 
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I am always working on this also. I will check out that book, and I really love that affirmation. I think I am going to write it up and post it somewhere.

 


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#4 of 12 Old 11-12-2010, 03:18 PM
 
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I love using the affirmations as well.  Louise Hay's book is excellent and there are many others like it.  I of course always love to use flower essences and a fabulous flower for this particular issue is rock water.  It's used for people that hold themselves to really high standards and always need to be the best (self imposed.)  There are others that can be helpful as well, but that's the one that jumped out.

 

Another great tool is a journal to count your blessings.  It's amazing how when you start to pay attention to them they start popping up everywhere.  I make a daily practice of writing out everything I'm grateful for, even if all I can muster that day is a roof over my head, warm slippers and hot tea.  Some days I can go on and on...others not so much.  Either way though it helps you to look at the positive aspects, and the more you focus on them the more they appear.

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#5 of 12 Old 11-12-2010, 10:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so very much, everyone!  I'm glad I'm not the only one with this tendency.  Love the affirmation! 

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#6 of 12 Old 11-18-2010, 10:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

 

I had to be Perfect Girl growing up too, but I couldn't do it so in the teens I gave up and became Bad Girl. Bad Girl was something I could manage, something I could be really successful with. After I got married and had kids, I had to be Super Mom (I think to make up for being Bad Girl all those years) until I completely burned myself out and exploded.


No advice for OP.  I just wanted to say that this quote is so me.  Except right now I'm exploding and haven't healed after the explosion.  In fact, the explosion won't stop.  I will look up that book.  Thank you.


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#7 of 12 Old 11-19-2010, 05:29 AM
 
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Originally Posted by beezer75 View Post
No advice for OP.  I just wanted to say that this quote is so me.  Except right now I'm exploding and haven't healed after the explosion.  In fact, the explosion won't stop.  I will look up that book.  Thank you.


Oh no!!!!  I wish I could come over right this minute and give you a hug and tell you that everything will be OK. It's all going to be OK. The explosion is really very freeing. All of that is behind you now. You can just be you. You can let it ALL go.

 

Do you have anything to help you get through? A therapist? A yoga class? Some bubble bath?


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#8 of 12 Old 11-19-2010, 05:34 AM
 
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Ooooooh what a beautiful thread. I'm in. I am a reforming people pleaser too. I have come so far and my new favorite word is "No". I save my "Yesses" for things that truly matter to me. I am trying to live a more carefree life. To live by letting go.

My favorite quote is: "You're already perfect. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."--Lao Tzu
My current mantra is: "Accomplish more by doing less."

I love " Change Your Thoughts- Change Your Life" by Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pepe View Post

I'm interested in: stressing less and savoring more, forgiving myself for unimportant errors, putting my family (and maybe even myself) before my work, saving worry only for when it's necessary, counting my blessings, sitting still and doing nothing at all sometimes, and generally remembering to be content. 

 

I'm trying to reform as a people-pleaser perfectionist, meaning I should get away with "good enough" and "better than nothing" at work.  I loathe the thought of being seen as lazy, but I want to learn not to care.  I want to loosen up.  I want to roll with it. 

 

So...how?  Are there any books you'd recommend?  A daily affirmation?  A mantra? 

 

If it helps to know, yes, I felt I had to be Perfect Girl growing up.  My parents' scary marriage left no room for my feelings or my needs. I like to always get 100%.  I generally don't like to make people mad.  I'm very sensitive (which I am learning to regard as an asset, but that's putting a positive spin on it).  There is a sense of humor in there somewhere, but it needs some exercise.  I'm too hard on myself.  I'm the breadwinner.  You get the idea.

 

Thanks for any advice--and if I have any company in wanting to make this change, well, I'd love to hear from you. 



Me afro.jpg reading.gif Wife and Mom to modifiedartist.gif cat.gifdog2.gif.
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#9 of 12 Old 11-19-2010, 05:49 AM
 
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This is from Dr. Dyer's book:


Excessive taxation will lead to a loss of spirit applies to you as well. If you weigh yourself down with excessive demands, you'll wear yourself out or develop symptoms of depression, anxiety, worry, heart disease, or any number of physical ailments. Give yourself a break from self-imposed pressures that burden you, allowing yourself plenty of free time to commune with nature, play wth your chldren, read, see a movie, or just do nothing. love.gif

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#10 of 12 Old 11-20-2010, 10:09 AM
 
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I also love "Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life" by Wayne Dyer. thumb.gif

 

I'm reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and it's simply amazing. It's about living in the present moment and not letting your mind overload you with unimportant thoughts like worry and guilt. I'm a reforming people-pleasing perfectionist, too. It's tough trying to live a more present and meaningful life in our ego-centric society. Good luck on your journey!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by *bejeweled* View Post

Ooooooh what a beautiful thread. I'm in. I am a reforming people pleaser too. I have come so far and my new favorite word is "No". I save my "Yesses" for things that truly matter to me. I am trying to live a more carefree life. To live by letting go.

My favorite quote is: "You're already perfect. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."--Lao Tzu
My current mantra is: "Accomplish more by doing less."

I love " Change Your Thoughts- Change Your Life" by Dr. Wayne Dyer.

SAHM to DS (11/09) with a little girl coming in October stork-girl.gif familybed1.gif

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#11 of 12 Old 11-20-2010, 12:05 PM
 
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"The Power of Now" was life changing for me. I reread it all the time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by miami mommy View Post

I also love "Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life" by Wayne Dyer. thumb.gif

 

I'm reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and it's simply amazing. It's about living in the present moment and not letting your mind overload you with unimportant thoughts like worry and guilt. I'm a reforming people-pleasing perfectionist, too. It's tough trying to live a more present and meaningful life in our ego-centric society. Good luck on your journey!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by *bejeweled* View Post

Ooooooh what a beautiful thread. I'm in. I am a reforming people pleaser too. I have come so far and my new favorite word is "No". I save my "Yesses" for things that truly matter to me. I am trying to live a more carefree life. To live by letting go.

My favorite quote is: "You're already perfect. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."--Lao Tzu
My current mantra is: "Accomplish more by doing less."

I love " Change Your Thoughts- Change Your Life" by Dr. Wayne Dyer.


Me afro.jpg reading.gif Wife and Mom to modifiedartist.gif cat.gifdog2.gif.
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#12 of 12 Old 11-20-2010, 12:27 PM
 
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I love my cognitive behavioral therapy workbook, "Thoughts and Feelings," and my favorite mantra is from a Gaiam tee-shirt (so sue me): Fear less, love more, let go.

 

"Let go" is a big one for me.

 

I think "one with the cosmos" is going to be coming up here soon.  I used to be a huge perfectionist but after having kids, it's all gone to pot.


It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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