Marriage, Sexual History, etc. (r-rated) - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 42 Old 11-16-2010, 05:36 AM
 
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wOW. What Mamlisa said is spot on: "It's a smokescreen for something else, something inside him that is making him unhappy and he's using you as a scape goat to take the blame."

 

After 16 years of marriage, this is certainly about him not wanting to be married anymore, or about him having mental health issues, or having met someone else. Say he did talk to the priest: "Wife was not a virgin 16 years ago and now I want an anullment because of it." That would be really ludicrous on his part and (especially with children in the family) it would not go anywhere.

 

There is not reason for you to leave, let him move out. Has he made any threats of violence toward you and the kids?

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#32 of 42 Old 11-16-2010, 06:14 AM
 
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Yikes!!!!  Clearly there is a LOT going on here.  You didn't do anything wrong.  This is really about him, in every way.  HE needs some seriously therapy as well.  Marriage therapy would be a good start as a therapist will likely nudge him in that direction.  Good luck...  That is a lot to put up with when you didn't even do anything wrong. 
 


Maybe not. My experience with marriage therapy is that the therapist is to treat the relationship as the client...In other words, prioritizing the existence of the relationship over the OPs quality of life.

I say it's time to put him out. It will either be a wake-up call and he'll fix himself/apologize, or he'll continue to attempt to break down your psyche. Either way, you have to say 'No' to mental manipulation, because nobody is immune to that kind of mess and it can take you apart. Better to do something COMPLETELY different with your life.

 

Best wishes for lots of grounded, solid decision-making. But it sounds pretty open-shut to me. Ick.


If that was your experience with marriage therapy, that is too bad.  A good therapist will suggest individuals seek individual therapy if the need is there....which in OP's DH's part, it is.
 


But regardless, marriage therapy is contra-indicated in cases of abuse b/c instead of helping the abuser to not be abusive, it examines the situation as though both parties are at fault - when in reality abuse is the fault of ONE party - the abuser.  Since a therapist also takes pains to make sure that people feel safe while at therapy, a victim of abuse generally reveals things that can put them in MORE danger after the therapy session, or say things that provide an abuser with more tools with which to abuse their victim.  If anyone wants more info, check out the book "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft.  OP - you may want to read this as well, it literally changed my life after my abusive relationship!

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#33 of 42 Old 11-16-2010, 09:45 AM
 
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Hugs, OP, I hope you are in a safe place.  This type of behavior can turn physical fast.  If you haven't already you can contact your local women's shelter.  Even if you don't stay there they have counselors you can talk to.


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#34 of 42 Old 11-16-2010, 10:48 AM
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Yikes!!!!  Clearly there is a LOT going on here.  You didn't do anything wrong.  This is really about him, in every way.  HE needs some seriously therapy as well.  Marriage therapy would be a good start as a therapist will likely nudge him in that direction.  Good luck...  That is a lot to put up with when you didn't even do anything wrong. 
 


Maybe not. My experience with marriage therapy is that the therapist is to treat the relationship as the client...In other words, prioritizing the existence of the relationship over the OPs quality of life.

I say it's time to put him out. It will either be a wake-up call and he'll fix himself/apologize, or he'll continue to attempt to break down your psyche. Either way, you have to say 'No' to mental manipulation, because nobody is immune to that kind of mess and it can take you apart. Better to do something COMPLETELY different with your life.

 

Best wishes for lots of grounded, solid decision-making. But it sounds pretty open-shut to me. Ick.


If that was your experience with marriage therapy, that is too bad.  A good therapist will suggest individuals seek individual therapy if the need is there....which in OP's DH's part, it is.
 


But regardless, marriage therapy is contra-indicated in cases of abuse b/c instead of helping the abuser to not be abusive, it examines the situation as though both parties are at fault - when in reality abuse is the fault of ONE party - the abuser.  Since a therapist also takes pains to make sure that people feel safe while at therapy, a victim of abuse generally reveals things that can put them in MORE danger after the therapy session, or say things that provide an abuser with more tools with which to abuse their victim.  If anyone wants more info, check out the book "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft.  OP - you may want to read this as well, it literally changed my life after my abusive relationship!

 

Exactly, and thank you for the clarification. It is not to be taken for granted that an individual therapist will refer the abuser on to individual counseling...which is STILL contraindicated. I think the Bancroft book addresses this as well...How therapy for abusers is junk, what they really need is an abuser's program. It's about how they THINK, not how they FEEL. You can feel as mad as you want, as hurt as you want, but the choice to abuse is based on the thought process that it's some kind of OK to do so... that the partner deserves it/can take it,etc.
 

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#35 of 42 Old 11-16-2010, 01:01 PM
 
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#36 of 42 Old 11-16-2010, 02:05 PM
 
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Honestly, it sounds like he wanted to leave and for whatever reason needed to find a way to blame it on you so all of a sudden he's tripping out about this. I am seriously wondering if he is having an affair, be it emotional or sexual. He's looking for a way out of your marriage, whether it makes sense to anyone else or not. Do you have anyone supportive, or can you take the kids and go to a DV shelter? He sounds like he can go from zero to very dangerous in a very short amount of time. And as far as him saying that you have a battle on your hands....I'd love to see any judge that's going to give you any grief at all over something you did when you were 16. Even the most conservative judges are not that stupid. Anyways, please get some support for yourself and if possible go to a safe house. He sounds really unstable and capable of anything at this point. Be safe. ((((((HUGS)))))


Hopefully I'm very wrong, but the same thing came to my mind.  It really sounds like he want to be the good guy and blame you as an easy way out.  Please don't take his negative claims on you as any sort of reality.  My best to you, OP.

 

This brings up memories for me, oh geez, sad painful, yet healed ones. An affair is what went through my mind, so I'll hijak for a sec, so you can see why I thought it.

 

Here's a similar story, without initial abuse, maybe coercion. My first sexual encounter was with this really cute guy I had a crush on, I was 13. We ended up "doing it,' very young, didn't even date. I feel 'guilty,' about this, for one I was 13, two we didn't date, and three I had enough of the 'Church' influence for added guilt on top of society.  My next serious boyfriend I dated for 2 and a half years, ending at 17, we were very serious and had an active sex life. Flip to my next boyfriend, a 22 year old HOT 'virgin,' I was 17. At some point he became very interested in my history, in a you are lying to me kind of way. Why are you keeping things from me, making me look like a COMPLETE jerk. Very very similar to what you are dealing with right now, I would remember stuff and forget other stuff. And the details would grow as I thought about it-also accused of manipulating. Only I was 19, didn't have as much to lose except to me at the time - my world. I got depressed. He wouldn't even be friends with guys - as a teen I still had many guy friends. He would incinuate that they were more than friends, men can't be friends, they don't know how. He even had me believing that he loved me so much, that if I wasn't lying about whatever details, that his heart was sure I was lying about then his love must be false. He tried to include my family, put a trojan horse onto my computer so he could see whatever I was doing, etc. I went to counselling, thought I was in the wrong, etc, etc. Was very hard on myself, thought I was really messed up.  So I got a lot from counseling, told him we'd work on things, and I'd stop lying. And I did, told him the truth about everything, including any details he wanted to know, completely compliant.  Got on anti-depressants, and took the fall, even with therapy. And even in therapy we found tons of reasons why I must be a liar. He never went to therapy, even when I asked. Things were rocky at first, but then things got back into routine and I was 'recovering' from being a liar. And we made it through it. TWO years later, he confessed about cheating on me during that time period. He wanted to know details back then, I presume so he could attempt to forgive himself. I'm not sure.

 

Definitely not saying this is the case with DH. What I learned was, your past is what makes you who you are, the good, the bad, even the hidden. The desire to conceal information is two-fold, to protect the ones you love, as well as yourself. It is HEALTHY to protect yourself. You know your husband and what he's capable of, he's also, at this point, manipulating you. Protect yourself from as much as you can, if he's anything like my situation you'll be going through a lot of self-doubt, a lot of self-induced hurt, questioning yourself, how he might be right etc.  Be careful here. If you guys work on the marriage, it'll be a struggle and I wish you the best of luck. I can only imagine to be going through all that after 16 years of being together. I am deeply sorry you are facing this.

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#37 of 42 Old 11-16-2010, 05:42 PM
 
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Hugs. Honey, your husband's behavior is WAY out of line. Way, way, WAY out. I can understand him being upset if you'd told him you were a virgin before marriage, sure; and I even get his being sad that you had a previous sexual history. DH wasn't a virgin when we got married, and I definitely had to process that and grieve a little. But after only four years, it doesn't bug me any more, and hasn't for a while. After sixteen years, surely it should be a total non-issue except insofar as he cares about how the abuse affected you? I mean, you've proven your commitment to him - you have two children, for goodness' sake! - and the reasons you didn't reveal more about your past are extremely understandable. His lack of compassion and weird demands are... not a normal response to this. Really - he wants you to write to the priest and your old college friends?? I mean, what?

 

I hope you stay safe. He doesn't sound very stable to me. And I'm pretty sure he has no grounds for annulment, so if he wants out he'll just have to get a divorce and ruin his good-Catholic-boy image.

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#38 of 42 Old 11-16-2010, 05:42 PM
 
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But regardless, marriage therapy is contra-indicated in cases of abuse b/c instead of helping the abuser to not be abusive, it examines the situation as though both parties are at fault - when in reality abuse is the fault of ONE party - the abuser.  Since a therapist also takes pains to make sure that people feel safe while at therapy, a victim of abuse generally reveals things that can put them in MORE danger after the therapy session, or say things that provide an abuser with more tools with which to abuse their victim.  If anyone wants more info, check out the book "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft.  OP - you may want to read this as well, it literally changed my life after my abusive relationship!

This book is excellent if you want to know what goes on inside an abuser's head, and it isn't just physical abuse. When I was reading this book it was like, "Do you know my husband and did you peek into our marriage?"
 

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#39 of 42 Old 11-21-2010, 11:31 PM
 
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hug.gif  You do not need him in your life:  he is controlling you.  Control is abuse.  Take your children, hug them, hug them, hug them, and go somewhere safe.  Hug your children some more after that.

 

Please realize that you DO NOT deserve this.  You DID NOTHING WRONG.  Please repeat this.  Be strong and look at this as a positive, not a negative.  A new chance and a new start. 

 

 

 


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#40 of 42 Old 11-22-2010, 07:22 AM
 
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Oh Mamma

 You do not deserve this at all. I'm usually the one to say well let's examine this from the other person's point of view. When I try to do that in this situation I come up with nothing. Well I do feel like he's looking for out of the marriage and blaming you for it.

 

His demands that you "out" yourself to college friends  sends my abuse siren off at full blast.  I mean really how will this help? It will humiliate you I'm sure. And that makes your relationship better how? That makes him happier how? The only way i see it making him feel better is that he is getting satisfaction from your pain. THAT IS ABUSE. When someones reaction when they are feeling hurt is to hurt someone that is abuse.

 

It can be extremely difficult to deal with accepting that the person you love and care for is an abuser.  Especially when it's emotional abuse. I know in my case I had the hardest time labeling it abuse because that meant I was lumping him in with monsters. And, as I rationalized it, he wasn't a monster, he was just doing  things that were hurtful. I 'd  say well I'm not perfect either, I can be a real jerk sometimes too. I'd say  "if i had just kept my mouth shut about this", or "if i had just done what he asked"...     People do not have to be 100% bad to be abusers In fact I think all the survivors of abuse will tell you that abusers are kind at times, gentle,  and charismatic,  they lure us back in once we've toed the line. Here's the thing though,  the abuse doesn't go away. It escalates. The kind gentle times start to evaporate and you start scrambling to do the right thing so that you'll find that guy he used to be.  Sometimes the abuse escalates because the abuser is malicious. Sometimes it escalates because they have  justified their actions in their own mind. It does not  have anything to do with you.

 

It also tough because when we do leave people don't understand when we mourn a relationship like that. If he was such a jerk why do you care he's gone. I think it's normal to care, but healthier to leave.

 

I don't think the man you are describing here can be reasoned with. I don't think he wants to be reasoned with. Lawyer up and take the advice from those mamma's on here that have left  a marriage with kids. Good Luck.

 

 

 

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#41 of 42 Old 11-22-2010, 10:29 AM
 
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Hugs. Honey, your husband's behavior is WAY out of line. Way, way, WAY out. I can understand him being upset if you'd told him you were a virgin before marriage, sure; and I even get his being sad that you had a previous sexual history. DH wasn't a virgin when we got married, and I definitely had to process that and grieve a little. But after only four years, it doesn't bug me any more, and hasn't for a while. After sixteen years, surely it should be a total non-issue except insofar as he cares about how the abuse affected you? I mean, you've proven your commitment to him - you have two children, for goodness' sake! - and the reasons you didn't reveal more about your past are extremely understandable. His lack of compassion and weird demands are... not a normal response to this. Really - he wants you to write to the priest and your old college friends?? I mean, what?

 

I hope you stay safe. He doesn't sound very stable to me. And I'm pretty sure he has no grounds for annulment, so if he wants out he'll just have to get a divorce and ruin his good-Catholic-boy image.



OP, I send you a big hug.gif

 

A loving spouse would acknowledge you were sexually victimized as a young woman and would not hold it against you, nor use it as tool to further victimize you.

 

You are emotionally stronger than your husband, no doubt about it. Stay safe, mama.


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#42 of 42 Old 11-23-2010, 07:57 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your husband sounds like a textbook abuser. You've been together a long time; is the controlling and abuse behavior just now starting, or has it been going on in some form for a long time?

Also, you may want to google borderline personality disorder. Your husband sounds uncannily like my abusive BPD ex.


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