Finally got everything off my chest.. but I don't feel any better. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 11-16-2010, 07:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This may be long..

 

I was online friends with a local woman who we ended up using as our doula. After my son was born the doula client relationship ended and we became friends. She was going through a rough time in her life (fertility issues and personal worth issues), and I feel like she really relied on my husband and I for support and we were glad to give it. This went on for month, probably about 6 months, we would get together for coffee or lunch, always somewhere she picked and talk, mostly about her. We had invited her and husband to many things that we were doing, including parties at our home, my son's christening, his birthday party and she would never come.

 

Over the last few months, we started going through fertility treatments for a second time and they weren't working the way they did the first time. I tried to talk to her about it, knowing she could relate and she totally blew me off. The next time we talked, I tried to talk about me again and same thing so I decided to distance myself because it was making me angry! She also started to get on my nerves with her FB post about being vegan - I know I should let whatever someone posts on FB get to me! but I did and we had a heated discussion about 'owning' your pets and ridiculous stuff like that, and after this she seemed to distance herself from me and focus on her vegan lifestyle (which I totally supported).

 

So, sure enough she's going through a tough time and emails me and asks if anything is wrong between me and her, so I told her how I felt. I don't know what I thought would happen, but her reaction was pretty negative (that was to be expected) and didn't address any of what I said about how I felt she hadn't been there for me, she only defended her lifestyle. which I never had a problem with. Her solution was to stop being friends in person and on FB.

 

I thought telling her how I felt would make me feel better.. I think it did, but it also ended up hurting me because I thought she would have tried to save our friendship.

 

Why do I feel bad about losing a friend who I thought wasn't being a very good friend?


Serena - married to Jason, mom to Sebastian (b.12.22.2008) and Poppy (b.07.07.2011) ♥

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#2 of 10 Old 11-16-2010, 08:57 PM
 
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I'm sorry, that must hurt.  I suspect you feel worse because deep down you had hoped this person would snap out of it/attempt to save the friendship?  She sounds rather selfish.

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#3 of 10 Old 11-16-2010, 09:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think you're right... I guess I thought that she would try. I honestly don't know if I would be able to anyways; im the kind of person who can forgive pretty easily, but can't forget - I think I have to work on this.

 

I suppose she is selfish, or selfish in my eyes a lot of the time, but I know that she truly believes that she needs to be selfish in order to fix what's going on with her body. Her need for a baby has changed her and I can't hold that against her, but I don't have to like the 'new' her.

 

Thanks so much for listening/reading my long drawn recape of the friendship.... posting it made me feel a bit better :)


Serena - married to Jason, mom to Sebastian (b.12.22.2008) and Poppy (b.07.07.2011) ♥

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#4 of 10 Old 11-17-2010, 06:06 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heavensearth View Post

Her need for a baby has changed her and I can't hold that against her, but I don't have to like the 'new' her.

 

Is your signature correct? Are you expecting a new baby?

 

Congrads!

 

I think it's possible that fertility issues are playing into your relationship with her. If she is still struggling with not being able to have a baby, and you are having your second, she could be just be looking for excuses to not be around you. It could be that painful for her. And blaming the problems on you, on veganism etc. could be easier for her than the truth.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. It's sad when a friendship ends, and I think the reason that it bothers you is because you are completely normal. She doesn't sound like she is a good friend to you at all, but it's still sad to realize that, to own it, and then to move forward. May be things will be different some day, years down the line.

 

As far as "personal growth," you can still forgive her even though you aren't going to remain active friends.
 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#5 of 10 Old 11-17-2010, 12:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

.

Is your signature correct? Are you expecting a new baby?

 

Congrads!

 

I think it's possible that fertility issues are playing into your relationship with her. If she is still struggling with not being able to have a baby, and you are having your second, she could be just be looking for excuses to not be around you. It could be that painful for her. And blaming the problems on you, on veganism etc. could be easier for her than the truth.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. It's sad when a friendship ends, and I think the reason that it bothers you is because you are completely normal. She doesn't sound like she is a good friend to you at all, but it's still sad to realize that, to own it, and then to move forward. May be things will be different some day, years down the line.

 

As far as "personal growth," you can still forgive her even though you aren't going to remain active friends.
 



It is correct, Thank you love.gif it is such a blessing!!!

 

She doesn't know, but she could suspect it I imagine as she did know we were going through treatments again.

 

Even with her not knowing about #2, knowing we have 1 is hard on her and I sympathize, but at the same time, we really jumped through hoops to have our little guy and she knew that. We had also decided before this falling out that based on her new personality or the new her, we couldn't have her as our doula again because we feared she just wouldn't show up on the day :(

 

Your words made a lot of sense. Im going to take your advice and forgive her so I don't have to carry about this anger and hurt.

 

Thank you :)


Serena - married to Jason, mom to Sebastian (b.12.22.2008) and Poppy (b.07.07.2011) ♥

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#6 of 10 Old 11-18-2010, 01:57 PM
 
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You sound like you're fine, but I just wanted to add my words of support.

 

It can be very painful to have someone just cut you off like that. A good friendship is about sharing. One-sided relationships aren't really fair. I feel sorry for her, being so wrapped up in herself that she can't accept your feelings for what they are. So, yeah, accept how you feel, then let it go.

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#7 of 10 Old 11-20-2010, 09:59 PM
 
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Congrats on your pregnancy!

 

I think it hurts because even though you knew she wasnt a very good friend, you were the one that got rejected. Rejection hurts, even if its by someone that wasnt really worth your time anyway.

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#8 of 10 Old 12-04-2010, 07:40 PM
 
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We had a doula that ended up being a friend. Or so we thought. She ended up moving next door and all I can say to describe it is TORNADO OF DRAMA!!

 

It took a while for me to speak up and set some boundaries and when I did, she didn't like it. I've had to be the one to cut that relationship loose which was hard because we run in the same circles.

 

There was a process for me of wondering what was wrong with her, with me, why couldn't that have worked out, etc.

But I just had to let it go. And I'm still working on that when I see her around town. It's a long process at least for myself. I have to keep reminding myself that she is who she is, not who I wanted her to be. 

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#9 of 10 Old 12-07-2010, 09:33 AM
 
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She's sad because you already have one child and she doesn't. Personally, I'd apologize - something like 'I'm sorry if me talking about having another baby upset you, I didn't mean for it to - , but that's just me.


Me,yummy.gif   DS, Peace.gif and DDdust.gif Grateful to the baby I lost for sticking around long enough to teach me what I needed to know so badly  candle.gif  We  love our forest valley home, our goats and chickenschicken3.gif, and wild harvested food-medicine coolshine.gif

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#10 of 10 Old 12-08-2010, 11:05 AM
 
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OP, congrats on your pregnancy. I wouldn't apologize to her. If she was having a hard time dealing with you being pregnant she could have expressed that to you. It's very difficult when we put more into a relationship than someone else does and even when they aren't good friends to us, it still hurts.

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