Looking for support about cutting out toxic in-laws - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 41 Old 08-11-2012, 12:58 PM
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Doing my happy dance that MIL moved far away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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#32 of 41 Old 08-11-2012, 04:59 PM
 
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Reading all this makes me feel so much better ! I am just going through a very difficult separation with an emotional abuser and found out the hard way , that his parents , who always acted like they were on my side ( or at least liked me ) are really a couple of backstabbing censored.gif


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#33 of 41 Old 08-11-2012, 10:03 PM
 
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Reading all this makes me feel so much better ! I am just going through a very difficult separation with an emotional abuser and found out the hard way , that his parents , who always acted like they were on my side ( or at least liked me ) are really a couple of backstabbing censored.gif

 This is what I am affraid of. My partner is getting more and more verbally abusive and I am affraid his parents will jump at the chance to be in the drama if it gets out. Not to mention fund any type of lawer he might need.

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#34 of 41 Old 08-12-2012, 03:45 AM
 
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Oh yes , you have to be SOOO careful about that . My in-laws were always so nice , all sugary-sweet " all the kids are the same " and bs like that ( I have older kids from a previous relationship .

And now , Mister censored.gif went home to visit them ( thank God they live 800 km away ) and told them all kinds of crap , like one of my sons stealing stuff fom him , which I KNOW for a fact , that he didn´t and now his father says , he ( my son ) is not welcome there anymore  and he also told them , that I am a crazy pet hoarder .jaw2.gif

Sure I am , if you consider someone , who has 2 old ( 14 and 16 years ) cats , that are spayed , vaccinated indoor pets , that have been with me all their lives , a HOARDER !!!

Oh yes , and one of my kitties was lying NEXT to my youngest daughter , who is 9 months and his Mother was saying , she saw pictures of the cat laying on top of her , smothering her ! I mean , apart from that not even possible , who heard of a cat smothering a child , but it is pure bullshit !

All I can tell you , make sure , everybody knows , what he is like , go to a counsellor , talk to your kids teachers , if you have any , tell your friends , but don´t make the same mistake , one of my friends made and hide it . 

She was always saying , those things are private , when her hb became more and more abusive and when it escalated , she had a hell of a time getting people to believe it , since at first everyone was like " oh sure , NOW you are saying that , how come you never did before if he was supposedly so BAAADDD ?"


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#35 of 41 Old 08-12-2012, 08:24 AM
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Oh crap.  My BIL (with whom MIL moved in) is losing his job.   I'm hoping SIL will help take care of MIL because we just can't.  (Financially or emotionally.)   


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#36 of 41 Old 08-13-2012, 06:14 AM
 
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I find it is so different when your children are part of the dynamic, for us that's when everything changed and we decided to stop the manipulation. We don't want our kids treated that way, and don't want them seeing us treated poorly. Messing with us is one thing but messing with our kids is a whole different ball game, and we won't let them be a part of their craziness.

I hope your visit goes well, and that they are willing to change their behavior. 

 

We just got finished with an almost two month visit with MIL, FIL, SIL and her two kiddos and oh-boy did the poop hit the fan. FIL has never liked me (before we even met he decided I was no good), but MIL and I have had a somewhat good relationship over our 11-year marriage. SIL is a flake, and we don't have a relationship at all, neither do her and my DH.

 

This trip, the trial for us potentially housing our in-laws in the future has completely ruined our relationship and opened my DH's eyes for the first time about his fathers actions. FIL talked down to me constantly, but the real problem is that both MIL and FIL clearly favor SIL's children, and actively dislike our second. DH has bad memories of "knowing" that his Grandma liked the other grandchildren better, and they really screwed up by making the difference so.very.obvious in the way the interact/treat the offspring of each of their children.

 

By the last two weeks, said second child would do all he could to stay away from them. He would ask "is Grandpa going?" about everything and immediately choose the opposite.  Little kids are smart, it's to bad us old people take so long to catch on.

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#37 of 41 Old 09-04-2012, 11:28 AM
 
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I stumbled upon this thread and decided to join the forum. :) yay! Unfortunately the reason is because I have toxic/abusive in laws as well as some of you ladies. Our messy relationship takes me back over a year to when the crap hit the fan during our engagement. It has been eight months since I talked to them at all and I can say that no contact was the best decision for us. They were verbally and emotionally abusive as well as extremely controlling to my husband and I. Their behavior has not changed even though we have stated time and time again that what they did was wrong and we no longer feel comfortable even being in the same room with them as long as the behavior continues to be abusive. They see nothing wrong in their actions towards us and I'm honestly not sure if they will ever change. 

 

My husband and I are moving on, trying to be happy and live guilt-free. They are six hours away and although this may seem like a lot, there are so many reminders they are still quite active in our lives (or try to be in their own messed-up way). When all the drama happened a year ago, I picked up the book Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward and decided my in laws are controllers, starting off a very unhealthy relationship as toxic parents who verbally abused and belittled DH all his life. They are well-to-do people who claim to be Christian and never see anything wrong with their actions. Last year they went as far as to manipulate and badmouth me to my place of employment because I refused to give in and do what they wished when they wanted me to. Even remembering what they said and did to me, their accusations on my character for no reason... it makes me sick to this day. I live in apprehension that they will someday show up on my doorstep demanding to be let in my home. I wouldn't put it past them to break in or travel all the way down out of the blue. I honestly think they need professional help to counteract what they think is right and wrong in the way they treat others. I try hard not to pull the race card, but I am hispanic and have seen firsthand how my husband's family treats and talks of people who are different from them. I do think this plays into how they treat me vs anyone else in the family, and how they treat my husband now, too. I can give more examples as to why I think this but let's just say I dealt with racism I've never before experienced during my dating time with my now-husband. 

 

My husband and I have made the decision that we really would like a child in the next year or so. We yearn for one in our hearts and I am excited to have a new and hopeful future with him and our family together. :) I'm scared, too! :( I know that when I do get pregnant there may be a world war three with his family, demanding to see us/the baby when we don't wish to see them at all. 

 

Any advice from wives who are mothers with toxic in laws? My husband tells me that when I am pregnant he will beat off the baddies and not let them close to me because he doesn't want that kind of drama to upset me while I have other things to worry about. I'm ready to move on and so is he. I'm just so apprehensive that it will get 100 times worse when we are expecting soon (hopefully!). 

Thanks for reading this and I really appreciated this thread. As Susan Forward said in an interview I read, "When you have to choose between your mental health and your in-laws, always pick your mental health." This is exactly what we've done and how I'd like to keep it. 

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#38 of 41 Old 11-20-2012, 08:04 PM
 
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I can really relate to this topic. My inlaws are recovered drug addicts that still have a lot of emotional issues. My partner was grossly neglected during most of his childhood, even taken away for a year by CPS. My mil likes to shift this blame/guilt onto me and anyone else within shifting distance. I've never been a good enough mother etc. She made life hell for me when my son was an infant. There are always these dirty looks and snide little digs here and there. Basically just ill treatment that I never had to deal with from my own other mother. I honestly think she is jealous that we are doing so much better than she was at our age. My fil is a misogynistic pig that dropped out of highschool in 9th grade. I don't know why I let his rude and accusatory comments (my partner is on drugs, we starve our dogs etc etc) get to me considering he is literally the dumbest person I have ever known...but I do. He is my partner's step dad and he makes it well known that he favors his biological child whenever possible. One of their favorite hobbies is starting loud, trashy fights that culminate in us leaving in a hurry. I can't believe I have to live like this, I was not raised in these circumstances. Unfortunately we have had to depend on them for financial help in recent years which has led to us being caught in a tangled web of shit. I have always been extremely gracious for any financial help we get from them but we both plan to cut them out of our lives as soon as possible.


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#39 of 41 Old 11-21-2012, 01:54 AM
 
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wow, mamas. I'm so sorry we all have to deal with these folks as parts of our families now. I too had great parents, but both my parents passed away. My hubby has 2 parents, his father does not speak to him at all, and I have only met him twice, but his mom has been quite toxic to both of us.. well, his whole life, and me, I've been with dh for 10 years. The part that keeps me coming back to try and have a relationship with her is that she is my kids' only grandparent. We actually had times where the two of us grew quite close, closer then she was with her own daughters. But I get the little side digs too, and when she visits her comments are always first about what's "wrong" with everything, not anything positive or supportive. Last year she came when our 3rd baby was born and her and I had a fight.. I basically did not want to hear her constant parenting advice. Since then we haven't heard much from her, except her surprise visit during the 4th of July where she showed up and demanded to visit with our kids. She didn't call me all year to hear about the baby, even after I tried to keep her informed about him when he had surgery, etc, but she would call dh's sister and she would get to share all his milestones about him like he was her son. I've started emailing her again last week, just cause it was her birthday, and I still care for her in my heart, but again, her emails brought me to tears, so yeah, she's pretty much cut out of our life for the most part. DH tried and tried for years, but I think he's had enough and doesn't give her much contact anymore. It is sad, b/c I came from a very loving, respectful family and it's so hard to understand something different, when family is supposed to care for and support each other. I don't really  know what to do about our relationship with MIL, I think I will see if my library has the toxic in laws book, that looks helpful.


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#40 of 41 Old 11-21-2012, 06:25 AM
 
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I have been married six years and I have only met my in-laws once. I'm not sure if I will ever see them again. My mother-in-law and I are non-compatibly crazy. I have PTSD and signs say she is probably schizophrenic. She won't get help.

My kids and I write letters. We actually have a reasonably good relationship through snail mail. Not email. It is too immediate and hostile to use emails. Letters are a lot more limited and slow.

I have no family to share with my kids. They need something. It is hard finding a middle ground.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#41 of 41 Old 11-24-2012, 01:35 PM
 
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I love your idea, rightkindofme, for using snail mail not email to communicate! I just got a terribly evil email, full of insults and lies from my MIL, I wonder why I even bother with her. I just ordered the Toxic In Laws book off of paperbackswap.com, so I look forward to reading that, and I think it would be best if we stuck just to snail mail too.


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