Abandoned by parents as an adult..how to manage?*possible trigger* - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 16 Old 11-29-2010, 04:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
angie7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,967
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible. I was married for 9 years and have 4.5 year old twin girls. From the outside looking in, my marriage was great but inside, a living hell. For the duration of my marriage, anger issues and domestic violence was escalating and by the end of our marriage, things were getting really bad. The last attack killed my unborn baby and I got some things together, money saved and left my husband 6 months later. I packed up my twins and moved in with my parents who were aware of the abuse. Not only had I told them, but my mom showed up at my house in the middle of the attack. I was hysterical, bloody and bruised. She did nothing. 3 days later I was at my parents house still with visiable bruises and the beginning of losing my unborn baby and my dad had the guts to say "<husbands name> has his problems but he's overall a good guy"....

 

Anyways, when I left my husband, I told him that he needed to seek treatment for his anger. Something I've been asking him to do for years yet he refused but did seek help when I left. As part of his therapy, he was suppose to "confess" to his family and my family about the abuse. He did so. My parents flat our refused to believe it and instead turned it on me saying that I was too strong willed to be abused,he was probably protecting himself from me (I'm 115 lbs, my x is 190), etc. I was also told how stupid I was for leaving my x b/c he's a good supporter (money wise). My brother told me I was hateful and selfish, I was also told that I should "just deal with it for my the sake of my kids". The last straw was when my dad told me that with today's technology that I should've stopped my x in the middle of the attack and videotaped it b/c he doesn't believe it happened.

 

That was pretty much the end of the relationship with my family. I'm devastated in their actions and do not understand it. If it wasn't for my friends, I don't think I would be here. In the last 5 months, I have rekindled a romance with an old friend of mine from 15 years ago. He's an amazing man who knows my past and offered my twins and I a fresh start in Florida, 800 miles away from my family. I took him up on his offer and have been here for a month now. Things are going great but I'm trying to heal from the trauma my family has caused me.

 

I feel abandoned. When I needed them the most, they turned their backs on me and not only that but stabbed me in the back too. I don't know how to heal and move on from this. The holidays are not helping either. I just wish that I could let them pass without any acknowledgement.

 

Thank you for listening...........


single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
angie7 is offline  
#2 of 16 Old 11-29-2010, 05:06 PM
 
rabbitmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Norway
Posts: 981
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


 

Quote:

Originally Posted by angie7 View Post

 

I feel abandoned. When I needed them the most, they turned their backs on me and not only that but stabbed me in the back too. I don't know how to heal and move on from this. The holidays are not helping either. I just wish that I could let them pass without any acknowledgement.


I'm sorry, Angie, how awful. I know how painful this is, as I have experienced something similar with my parents. You will feel better, but it takes time. Hang in there. hug.gif

rabbitmum is offline  
#3 of 16 Old 11-29-2010, 05:44 PM
 
lotusdebi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Facebook
Posts: 6,653
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm so very sorry. hug.gif


You can find me on Facebook. PM for info.
lotusdebi is offline  
#4 of 16 Old 11-29-2010, 05:51 PM
 
APToddlerMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,173
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Hugs... I am so sorry.  Are you able to get some therapy?  The whole situation sounds terrible.

APToddlerMama is offline  
#5 of 16 Old 11-29-2010, 06:06 PM
 
babygirlie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 876
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

That's terrible. What is it about parents that make them blow things like this off? I remember being brave enough to tell my mom about one of her friends being abusive to me and she just shrugged it off. Years later I brought it up again and she looked shocked and claims I never said anything but again dropped it pretty fast.

 

If you have the balls to fess something so big to someone you should be taken seriously. I doubt you're the kind of person to cry wolf. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

 

I'm not you by any means.. but I would have a difficult time speaking to them or opening up about ANYTHING until they acknowledged my pain and their responsibility in it at this point.

 

You took a huge leap of faith moving in with that guy but I'm happy so far it's working out. Just move foreward head first headstrong into this blizzard and get yourself where YOU need to be and don't let anyone pull you down at this point. Get a savings together and protect yourself first and don't let anyone bully you!

babygirlie is offline  
#6 of 16 Old 11-30-2010, 12:41 AM
 
DariusMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: I've been in the lowlands too long
Posts: 2,418
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I'm so very sorry. hug.gif
DariusMom is offline  
#7 of 16 Old 11-30-2010, 10:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
angie7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,967
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I would love to seek therapy b/c I think it would help but my ins isn't that great, I'm not getting much child support right now so money is tight. I have thought about seeking help from a local DV shelter, just haven't had the guts yet. As far as the relationship with my parents now. The only communication I have with them is when they want to talk to my kids. I decided that I would not rob my children of their grandparents when all this happened. Before I moved, they saw them once a week. Now it's a few times a year but they call twice a week to talk to them. My brother and I do not speak, as well as my father. My mom and I barely talk. They know very little of my life right now. I do not trust them and IMO, what they did is unforgiveable. I have yet to even receive an apology from them.

 

I know it seems crazy that I moved so far away with someone else so fast but it feels right. Perhaps it was a leap of faith but one thing I learned a long time ago is you only have one life, might as well live it! It feels right to be with him and to be so far away. Only time will tell I guess.

 

Thanks again for your kind words. It helps to know I'm not alone b/c I sure do feel like I am.


single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
angie7 is offline  
#8 of 16 Old 11-30-2010, 04:02 PM
 
babygirlie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 876
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm not a person who says drops family members especially parents, but sometimes they hurt you on a level that hurts so much you have to take a step away. I had to do that. Life is too short to trivialize how I feel on important subjects. I gave my half brother a chance to apologize and make things work. He didn't even blink and didn't even try. Makes me sick and I am glad this facade is no longer something I have to worry about. unfortunately I won't be going to any family reunions because i can not stand to be in a room with this person. I would probably burst into tears. But tbh it's a stress off my back. One less christmas card to send out that's never returned anyway. I'm tired of worrying about people who have never given a crap about me.

babygirlie is offline  
#9 of 16 Old 11-30-2010, 04:19 PM
 
Starflower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Western WA
Posts: 2,442
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I am sorry that your family reacted that way. That is just sick - especially when your mom actually witnessed some of the abuse. Makes me mad just reading about it.

 

I am glad you are getting a fresh start. I also agree with others that therapy can be very helpful. Many therapists will work with people on a sliding scale basis.  Or you could also try finding a therapist through family services.

 

I wish you healing and :Hug


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
Starflower is offline  
#10 of 16 Old 11-30-2010, 04:39 PM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,862
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Honestly, I probably wouldn't let them talk to my kids either. You aren't robbing them of something by protecting them from nonsupportive, toxic people. You really don't have to allow them in your life or acknowledge them on any level.

I'm really sorry they acted this way. It would really hurt me, too.
eclipse is offline  
#11 of 16 Old 11-30-2010, 04:50 PM
 
rabbitmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Norway
Posts: 981
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by eclipse View Post

Honestly, I probably wouldn't let them talk to my kids either. You aren't robbing them of something by protecting them from nonsupportive, toxic people. You really don't have to allow them in your life or acknowledge them on any level.


I agree with this. And I hope you are feeling better today. hug2.gif

rabbitmum is offline  
#12 of 16 Old 12-01-2010, 05:22 AM
 
coyotemist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Pacific NW near a lovely mountain
Posts: 1,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

It will take you years to overcome all the defensive behaviors that crop up after DV and abuse, but there are leaps that can be made.

 

Contact the shelter, they may have support groups.  The group I was part of was a very diverse little group, but we had everything in common.  I met with them for a year or more, it made a lot of difference in my healing.

 

I actually pressed charges against my husband, he went to jail for several days.  Part of his deal was the complete domestic violence diversion.  He learned anger management, conflict resolution, and other skills,  We are still married, but only because he worked so hard.  I know he is a minority.

 

As for your parents, they won't understand, as much of society does not understand.  It's ok to do what you need to do in this situation, whatever level of contact you need is ok, just know that you may run into this with many people.  Unless you've been abused, you can't know what it's like, and many are in denial this even occurs.

 

PM me if you'd like to talk more.

 


"Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"~Mary Oliver

RT knitting mama  to 3 (& 8 who didn't make it) wife working on 13 years to a silly man who drives me crazy.
coyotemist is offline  
#13 of 16 Old 12-01-2010, 12:22 PM
 
APToddlerMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,173
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by eclipse View Post

Honestly, I probably wouldn't let them talk to my kids either. You aren't robbing them of something by protecting them from nonsupportive, toxic people. You really don't have to allow them in your life or acknowledge them on any level.

I'm really sorry they acted this way. It would really hurt me, too.



Agreed.  I wouldn't want my kids to ever experience what you're experiencing now. 

 

OP, I hope you are able to get some therapy.  A shelter would be a great place to start.  You deserve to be able to heal. 

APToddlerMama is offline  
#14 of 16 Old 12-03-2010, 10:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
angie7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,967
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Had a mini break down today. My bf and I were xmas shopping for the kids and to be honest, I just wish I could forget about xmas. It's just a big ol' reminder that I no longer have a family. My bf is amazing and understands what I've been through. He knows how DV can effect someone as he's a cop and sees it first hand. As I tell him, you see it when it happens, now you get to see the scars that it leaves. But anyways, I started crying in the middle of the store bc this is so hard to deal with. It's so hard knowing that the people who you thought cared the most, didn't care at all. I don't care what age you are, that is so hard to face. I felt better once I bought my kids some gifts tho and knowing how excited they would be. I'm trying to focus on that and not the heartbreak I'm going through right now. I just wish this would be easier. It's been almost a year and it feels like it happened yesterday.

 


single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
angie7 is offline  
#15 of 16 Old 12-03-2010, 11:14 AM
 
sg784's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: in the woods
Posts: 1,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Im so sorry My parents have turned a blind eye to their sons abusive actions and have always blamed SIL. I am ashamed to say that at one point I was also sucked in to his manipulation. Thankfully now I can see my brother for who he is. Im sorry your parents dont get it. hug2.gif Hope your holidays are happy regardless and you have new traditions to look forward to.


Im a broc1.giflovinghippie.giffly-by-nursing2.gifcd.gif  novaxnocirc.gif
sg784 is offline  
#16 of 16 Old 12-03-2010, 11:44 AM
 
Arduinna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 32,562
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry your parents a behaving like this. Personally I wouldnt let them have contact with my kids, that kind of behavior is just toxic.

I do think that for many people the denial of reality of what has happened is a defense mechanism. They are unable to cope mentally with the truth so they deny it, or pass blame onto the victim. Part of it shows up as excuses made for the perpetrator. They had no choice, you deserved it, if you hadnt done x they wouldnt have done y. And it doesn't just happen in domestic violence cases it happens in cases of terrorism too. It doesn't excuse it though.
Arduinna is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off