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#61 of 89 Old 12-03-2010, 05:04 PM
 
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I am a SAHM with an extremely high IQ & my son tends to take after me, he is outgoing, very talkative, empathetic, etc.  I'm sure some of that is nature & some of it is nurture.  I don't think you need to be concerned b/c most likely your children will be smart & since you are smart & will be teaching them thru experience, they will pick up on that.  I am smarter than my parents (they were both smart but not like I am), but my Mom was an educator & it was all fine b/c she was able to encourage my intelligence & creativity.  You will love your kids & you will connect with your kid regardless of their IQ.  From the sounds of it, I doubt your husband is average or below average.  When you are really smart with a really smart family and have an innate curiousity and thirst for knowledge, other people, even those with above average IQs might seem considerably less smart.  Or maybe he is intimidated by the connection you have with your family.

 

I was a "gifted" child, which was luckily noticed by a teacher who thought I was bored in the 2nd grade so they did an IQ test.  I wasn't the type of kid that had a photographic memory or anything.  I just learn things very quickly, have exceptional problem-solving skills, see things/make connections that others don't (like I figured out that Santa couldn't be real at age 4 & no one told me that) and have deep empathy for others.  I sought out the company of adults mainly b/c I found children to be too immature & petty (wasn't conscious of the reasons at the time of course).  As an adult I usually prefer the company of kids or animals unless I'm with a super smart friend or people with similar interests (like Holistic Moms).  Regardless, I have always been able to relate to many kinds of people.  I guess I dumb myself down, never thought about it.  Although I have been accused of using "big" words and have often been a go-to person to help people solve problems.

 

My husband probably should have been labeled as gifted too even though he wasn't.  DH may actually have an Autism Spectrum Disorder (like very high functioning Asperger's but officially undiagnosed).  I am probably smarter than him in some areas, although part of it is that I think my Emotional Intelligence is much higher.  His whole family seems "retarded" in the Emotional Intelligence arena which can really limit effective communication as well as one's perception of intelligence.   DH is also a strong linear thinker, which is great for some things & a disaster for others...sometimes he just can't see the another solution b/c he is so focused on the path he's on.  There are also many types of intelligence & even people who are incredibly gifted can seem "retarded" in other areas, e.g. Albert Einstein, Thelonious Monk.


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#62 of 89 Old 12-03-2010, 06:35 PM
 
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Will I experience that same type of frustration that comes with trying to reason with someone who just "doesn't get it"? I realize children have different levels they operate on, but...

 

At the least, I'd want them to be good communicators (sort of genetically, as in, they have the ability to meet me close to my level when we talk), but my hubby doesn't really fulfill that (it's just something we've kind of worked around). 

 

I have this mental image of me sitting at Thanksgiving dinner with my adult children, and it feeling how I feel when I don't have anyone near my intelligence in the room/group....that kind of isolated/bored feeling (not that that is bad; I adapt to it; but I just never thought I would have to around my own family). That is how I feel when I go to Thanksgiving at my husbands' family's. Whereas with my family, I'm always finally excited to connect on a deeper level and not have to dumb myself down.

  

Do you all have "gifted" spouses? Could I be wrong in assuming my husband's intelligence is quite lower than mine, since he IS good at math, but just a poor wordsmith? (by poor wordsmith, I mean, if you saw an essay he wrote, you'd assume his IQ was 100)

 

Do your children's IQ's end up being more like an average (mean) of you and your spouse's, or is it more like....some kids get the higher IQ, some get the average IQ? (It's hard to tell by looking at my parents and us, since both parents are high IQ).

 

I just need some advice........I hope I haven't offended anyone......thanks.

 

It sounds to me (and I really mean NO direspect) that you might be questioning whether you even want to have children with this man...


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#63 of 89 Old 12-03-2010, 06:51 PM
 
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There is no magic formula for how your kids turn out.  It sounds like you have a lot of expectations for how you hoped your spouse to be & how you expect your children to be.  If you do not view your husband as an equal, that is a problem.  Writing is a skill & is developed, poor writing is not necessarily indicative of poor intelligence.  I think you need to look into managing your expectations about your husband & your children.  Your children will be who they are & have the IQ they are meant to have.  Your adult children (who do not even exist yet) or any children for that matter can not make up for any shortcomings in the relationship with your spouse.  I'm not trying to be harsh, I am trying to help you by presenting a realistic picture of what I gleen from your writings here.  If you cannot find peace with this issue, you might think about some counseling.  Our expectations can really trip us up.  Although it's hard to not have expectations, having them & having them be unmet can result in profound disappoinment, which seems to be what you are experiencing.  You are expecting your imagined children to make up for your husband's perceived shortcomings, that will never happen b/c it's just not the way it works.  My husband is extremely intelligent but seems very emotionally immature which leads me to feel disappointment.  I need to learn to manage my expectations better.  Although I must say, I'm happy that my son does not take after him in this respect.  I hope you can find some peace with this issue.


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#64 of 89 Old 12-03-2010, 07:33 PM
 
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I think "limited" would be a great word choice when discussing areas of challenge.  Or struggle with.  Lots of choices.


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#65 of 89 Old 12-07-2010, 05:21 PM
 
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I'm putting this thread back, please be supportive in responses. 

Thanks

Lisa


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#66 of 89 Old 12-07-2010, 07:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think sometimes the problem is that I feel guilt for choosing my husband, which some of you have alluded to.

 

I think the reason I feel that guilt, is because I have had OCD since childhood, and often feel guilty for things I shouldn't, because of my extreme perfectionism. It isn't just the OCD, but knowing that I have OCD can give you insight into the extremes my personality can take. It's not that I'm a snob......I wish I could get rid of being such a perfectionist, but I literally can't let go of some things. There are probably a small subset of people with OCD and above average IQ that realize how painful and dangerous of a combination this can be. You think yourself straight into hell, and you just want all the pressure of all those thoughts to go away. It's a wonder I am not a drug addict, because living in my brain is not always pleasant.

 

 

I realize I shouldn't feel guilty for choosing my husband, because we are in love. I truly believe we are soulmates. When I was a child, I would feel guilt for ridiculous things. I think all my expectations and perfectionism have attached to my future, and I beat myself up, because I blame myself for not making the best choices, when in my HEART, I feel like I made the right choice. Does that make sense?

 

I think I am quick to find fault in others, and in myself. I think to myself....".if you don't get along with your children, it is your own fault, because you choose someone that you know you have nothing in common with." It is true, my husband and I are opposites that attract. I don't see him as my inferior, as some have suggested. Just my opposite, in every way. He can do many things I can't, and I marvel at that, everyday.

 

Him and I have talked about these issues. I have told him that I can't handle the differences, and that I question if I made the right decision in getting married. As you can see, he must be a saint to still be with me. But I think he knows that we are in love, and he knows that my fears are irrational (they are real, and have some convuluted validity, but are still irrational). I think he loves me despite my flaws and doubts, because he knows that our love will be the deciding factor in the end. I think he has faith that my heart is in the right place, even if my brain isn't.

 

I honestly don't know why I am still posting here, because I feel like I am only inviting more trouble and more controversy, and I am a sensitive person, deep down. But I do feel that I am learning, both from writing out my thoughts, and mostly, from others' responses. I may end up asking the mods to delete this discussion, for my own sanity.....or just because I am so intensely private with it comes to the internet (posting like this is unlike me), that I don't want this archived online forever. (So I obviously really feel that I need help if I'm posting).

 

At the end of the day, I know that staying with my husband is the right thing. I know what is WRONG---that I'm beating myself up for making a positive choice. That is the real problem.

 

The worries about our future children mostly stem from the current problems between hubby and I, which are mostly my fault. I think in many ways I'll be a great parent, but I just know I need to better understand my fears first. I think some of the insights you all have brought up will help, and could possibly be the difference between me understanding and not understanding my fears.

 

In a way, I do think I'm a bad person, though I know my heart is pure. It seems like I get it wrong in the execution, not the intention. I do think my expectations are too high, like someone here said. And I don't think I can handle things not ending up how I expect them to be. I need to be better at that. But I don't know how, because it is my personality. (so I guess that's why I think better understanding is what I need, like learning about different personality types/intelligence types).

 

What is ironic, is that my physical health as an adult is terrible (chronic fatigue that has been disabling), so it's not like my life ended up how I wanted it to be, so far. Maybe that's why I'm so focused on being a parent in the future, because I know that is really the only thing left that can go as I planned it?

 

I really am not fixated on plans though. Deep down, the root of the fear is feeling satisfied with my relationship with my children. They don't need to achieve anything special. I honestly don't care what their IQ ends up being, I was just moreso worried about the consequences......like will I struggle to relate to them like I have with my husband? I know i won't feel guilt, because you don't pick your kids, like you do your husband. So I know I will love them unconditionally.

 

I still have a lot to think about and work though.

 

If this topic does get deleted, it's because I decided not to have a permanent record of my dirty laundry on a website, and it's also because I already read through the responses and archived/took notes on what I needed to study more or think about more.

 

Thanks for the responses so far; they are amazing, actually.

 

 

Also, I want to respond to the whole Thanksgiving scenario I set up in the first post. Reading what I said in the original post makes me cringe. Yikes. But I think I should explain a little, now that I've had more time to process why I said what I said.

 

My husband's family is definitely on the extreme opposite of some of the things I value and was raised to....do. I won't give too much detail into their background, but they were brought up in "hard times." You eat, then you go back to work. You don't talk. Work was valued, not talk. I think it's a cultural thing, that stems from a place that isn't the U.S. (I won't give the country of origin, for privacy reasons). Thanksgiving dinner with them literally lasted like 15-20 minutes. Barely a word was said. Honestly, it horrified me. My husband has picked up some of those habits.

 

I can see that there are many reasons why something like this would occur (the Thanksgiving scenario that I just described), but in a way.....I blame myself. I wonder if these are personality traits, not habits, and I wonder if I'll have to force my kids to talk to me? I will admit, I also wondered if it was IQ, but the more you all have been talking to me, the more I've realized that is a dangerous assumption to make. Then I wonder if this is what I married into, and I should just get used to it?

 

Just wanted to give you all a little more background.

 

 

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#67 of 89 Old 12-07-2010, 07:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bobcat View Post
Maybe that's why I'm so focused on being a parent in the future, because I know that is really the only thing left that can go as I planned it?

 



FWIW, I have had to let go of the idea that parenthood goes as you plan it.  At least it has not been that way for me.  shrug.gif

 

Are you treating your OCD?

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#68 of 89 Old 12-07-2010, 07:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Nope.

 

What's strange, is that I have mostly figured out how to manage the physical compulsions, so I guess I figured I was managing it okay.

 

Typing this, I'm realizing that some of the personality aspects that it results in (a sort of obsessive and rigid thought process), should perhaps be treated? In other words, even if my hands aren't red and raw from being washed, I am still suffering from it, internally. The crazy thing about OCD is that even if you master every area you obsess over, the disease will find another area of your life to express itself in.

 

My depression has been worse lately, and I've been meaning to seek treatment for that too, which would also likely cover OCD.

 

I actually have more psych issues than you can shake a stick at, which makes it ironic when people infer here that I think I'm better than my husband. If they only knew how little I think of myself, and how much I hope my children take after him in most ways.......and if they only knew how great I really think he is. I obviously didn't talk about that here, because I didn't see it as relevant to my concern, but it looks like not talking about that made me look like a bi%*& (whops!).

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#69 of 89 Old 12-07-2010, 08:21 PM
 
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I don't really have advice for you. What do I know? But I wanted to post and offer general support. I hope you can find someone to help you work through all of this. My experience is that becoming a parent exacerbates any and all underlying issues. I urge you to keep working on this stuff now, before having children. It is also likely that whatever children you have will have their own issues. They may or may not have any similarity to yours. I do agree that the conversation thing can be culturally created in your family, but you will need to be open to how your future children's personalities will change what you would like to create. You just never know what you'll get. You also don't know how it will change you and your dh, let alone your relationship with your dh. The best you can do is make as sure as possible that you yourself are providing as stable an environment as possible before choosing to parent.

 

Good luck!

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#70 of 89 Old 12-08-2010, 01:46 AM
 
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I've been thinking about what I wanted to say since you first posted, so I hope this comes out right

 

my dad is the youngest of ten kids, in a farming family. he is an extreme introvert. people have a really hard time talking with him when they first meet him because he's just not into sharing. he also has an IQ of 160. his strengths are in math, logic, and visual-spatial stuff. he hates writing and spelling, and they're a real struggle for him (He's below average in these areas). people don't realize how smart he is unless they've known him for a long time, and everyone comments on how quite he is. 

 

my mom is an extrovert, extremely social, loves entertaining and spending time with people. I don't know her IQ, but she's smart, though well balanced, with slightly more strength in verbal areas. 

 

I have 3 sisters. we all have IQs between 130 and 145

my oldest sister, extrovert. strength in verbal skills, and some logic. absolutely terrified of math, never got past college algebra. 

me, introvert. strengths in math, science, logic, and visual-spatial skills, maybe slightly above average in verbal skills

younger sister. introvert. everything is a strength she can shine at anything she puts her mind to (thinking about it, she may have a higher IQ, but none of us has had official testing)

youngest sister, extrovert. she's only 15, so it's hard to tell exactly what she'll fall into later. she's really well balanced, bright in every area, but not outstanding, mostly because she would just rather hang out with her friends. she's also more into performing arts than academics. 

 

even my younger sister, who was an extreme introvert to the point where she would go days without talking to anyone outside the family always talked when hanging out with our family. likely if you have one extroverted parent and one introverted parent, the kids will be a mix between the two, and there will be plenty of talking at the family dinner table (though not always deep conversation, that just depends on everyone's interests at the time). my parents did end up getting divorced when I was in Jr. High, and we always talk more at the dinner table at my mom's house than we do at my dad's, so what the parent is encouraging seems to have a lot to do with it (not that my dad discourages talk, he just doesn't encourage it as much). but even though we're all different in our personalities, interests, strengths, and weaknesses we've always found a way to mesh as a family and things to talk about. 

 

I think my mom did have a harder time relating to my younger sister and I growing up because of the fact that we are introverts, but as we've gotten older it hasn't been as much of a problem. I think part of it was us maturing, and I think part of it was my mom maturing (she was pretty young when she started having kids, and has gone through a lot of life experiences since then).

 

I'm not really sure how my kids will end up, since one is 18 months, and the other hasn't been born yet. DF is also very smart and his strength is more in the mathmatical and abstract-thinking area, and I do think DD seems to be showing a little more strength in the visual-spatial skills, but she's so young that it's hard to tell, and I don't want to make too many predictions. 

 

I also want to say, I think you're on your way to making peace with the fact that you can't control who your children turn out to be. no matter what, you'll make it work, because you will love them more than anything. but it does sound like some time with a professional to help you with your OCD and depression, and your DH with his ADD (or was it ADHD? can't go back a page to check) would be a good idea. it's best to try to enter into parenthood with as little baggage as possible, because early parenthood is hard enough without adding to it. and I think thinking through your fears like you are now is a wonderful step in that direction. and know that I'm wishing you the best of luck as you continue on the journey toward understanding yourself and your relationship. 

.


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#71 of 89 Old 12-08-2010, 02:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Marissamom,

 

Thanks for sharing. I am just now starting to feel a little better about all this.

 

I am glad you shared what the strengths/weakenesses of your siblings were. What is most reassuring to me, is that you seem to really know them each as individuals (of course, how could you not? They are family) Since I only have one sibling, I really feel like I have little experience with how larger families "work." It is nice to hear that everyone was able to mesh, despite some being extroverts, some being introverts, etc. I guess with my husband's family....I rarely see them together. That's the way it is with a lot of families, when you think about it. When you go over to a friend's house as a kid, you aren't there to hang out with the friend and ALL their siblings. Then as an adult, you move away from home, and are getting to know young adults. It's not often you get a peak at someone else's family, with most members present. So I just always feel like an outsider looking in, when trying to figure out how families with more than 2 kids work. I never understand how so many varied voices end up getting heard.

 

I feel like most of the examples of families I know, at least one sibling isn't talking to another, or one or two kids aren't talking to mom or dad, etc. Sometimes I worry that it's because of lack of understanding. Even with babysitting, I found that some children I connected with better than others. I know that I will try my hardest to understand each of my future children as an individual, and I will try to make sure that they get along well amongst themselves, by being sure they are simply together.

 

Yes, I tend to worry about things ahead of time, but I think it's best to vent worries beforehand. My parents were kind of loners, and they didn't have a lot of friends. We were an isolated unit in many ways. So I have a lot of trepidation about family life....a lot of questions, and simply hearing peoples' experiences, spoken in their own words, helps me.

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#72 of 89 Old 12-08-2010, 03:10 PM
 
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OP: Haven't read through all the replies, but I want to point out that people who possess both above-average IQ's and ADD often have "average" conversational skills. I am one of those people. I think that my above-average IQ is NOT obvious in my verbal communication. Best I can tell, my ADD causes me to speak faster than I can organize my thoughts, so what comes from my mouth belies my intellect. Your husband could very well have the same issue-- if he is strong in math and physics, I think it's safe to say he's at least average to above-average IQ-wise. Not everyone expresses it well verbally.

 

Additionally, high IQ manifests itself differently among individuals. This phenomenon is especially notable in infants and children. I know several high-IQ folks who, unlike you, were NOT early talkers or book-memorizers. Their giftedness or high intelligence was demonstrated in other ways, or at a later age. There is--as far as I know-- no pattern of homogeneity in high-IQ children. This is why children suspected of giftedness are usually IQ-tested to determine whether they are gifted, and if so, the extent of their cognitive abilities.

 

FWIW, my DH's IQ is lower than mine. It sometimes annoys me, but whatever. He's plenty smart, and our marriage works on an intellectual level.


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#73 of 89 Old 12-08-2010, 05:32 PM
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Even if you end up with really smart kids who love to converse, that doesn't mean you'll always get along with them, especially as adults.  Life is a crap-shoot.


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#74 of 89 Old 12-08-2010, 06:23 PM
 
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I completely understand what you are saying about the OCD and IQ issues. I have both. I have never worried about this for my children, though. I have had amazing conversations and get along great with people "below" my IQ and have had painful attempts with people at or above my own IQ because of personality clashes. I dislike people with huge pompous egos, first of all. Of my 5 children, only four can I speak of so far as far as intelligence goes. My ex was smart, but not terribly smart. By any sense of the word. My current dh is very, very smart. But we are smart in different ways and that's shown in our kids. I know everyone thinks their kids are super smart, and I think everyone is intelligent in their own way-some people are great at verbal communication (not me!), some are great at math (my 6 yo), some have insanely wonderful memories and reasoning capabilities (my oldest and 2 yo), etc. I have found it fascinating to see how this has worked with my own children. I do believe it is at least greatly influenced by environment, though.

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#75 of 89 Old 12-08-2010, 06:46 PM
 
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oh, I wanted to add, DF has a high IQ, and OCD. and especially when he's trying to keep his compulsions under control, it leads to bouts of depression. I think we have it mostly controlled at the moment, but it takes a lot, and part of it is indulging some of his compulsions (like he can't have any help putting groceries into the car because he has a method and freaks out if I mess it up). 


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#76 of 89 Old 12-09-2010, 09:56 AM
 
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I get what you're thinking, bobcat, and I think people were unnecessarily harsh.  You're not a bad person!  I do think you would benefit from some reflection on your family of origin and its value system.  My father is very intelligent but an emotional idiot, and his focus on intelligence as a vehicle for social and financial success really screwed all 5 kids up.  Now, my husband's parents are not super-intellectually intelligent, but they are kind and good people with an amazing moral sense, and I enjoy being with them and the rest of his family. 

 

My husband may not have scored as high as me on SATs, but he has a type of social and emotional intelligence that I would kill for.  He can sell anyone anything, everyone likes him, etc.  He is almost like that X-Files character who could "push" people into doing what he wants.  I find him fascinating, and love being with him.  He does not speak as eloquently as me, nor will he go on forever in intellectual debate, nor does he like to write.  He is different, but not less than.  Perhaps if you stretch yourself into doing things that utilize your non-preferred areas, you will develop an appreciation for all types of intelligence.  I always have had my intelligence as the core of my identity, but in the past 5 years, I have learned to develop my emotional and social sides, and that has added more to the quality of my life than any intellectual discussion.

 

I would also consider what attracted you to him in the first place.  My ex-bf was as intelligent as me in terms of academics, and we were good friends, but there was no passion.  Had I chosen a mate based on academic achievement, I would not have a good marriage.  What made you choose him?  Are you maybe feeling frustrated in some other area of your life and pinning it on him b/c he is closest?  I know I do that to my husband.


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#77 of 89 Old 12-09-2010, 10:18 AM
 
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bobcat - first off, welcome and hugs (I can't figure out how to insert icons).

 

Okay, my comments might be a bit disjointed.  I need to get going soon, but wanted to respond.

 

I just wanted to say that no matter where your child's strengths lay, you will find a way to make a meaningful and fulfilling connections with him/her.  It may not be in witty and stimulating dinnertime rapport, but you will find it won't matter as long as you connect.  It is your job as a parent to cultivate those connections and once they are made they will feel natural, deep, and profound.

 

Dh & I have IQ test scores within 2 points of each other (we were both considered gifted in school) - but our strengths are completely different.  I don't want to reiterate what many pp have said about multiple intelligences, but I just wanted to point out that dh lack of deep conversational skills coupled by the fact that he has ADD made it hard for me to feel connected especially through talk about feelings/people early in our marriage (dh was happy to talk about academics/politics/and his hobbies).  Therapy did help us both understand each other better and what we needed from each other to deepen our relationship.

 

I hope you figure out what is ailing you - I know from experience that feeling tired and sick can make you feel helpless and out of control.  Check out the Healing forum if you haven't already - those mamas are amazing at holistic health & healing.   I don't know anything about your physical ailments or what you have done so far, but as you look at the H&H forum you will find that many people start to feel better as they start to monitor their diets (I'm not saying that is the only thing that needs to be done, but it could be a start).

 

Lastly, I agree with Lynn, "register shifting" is a more precise term than "code" switching - "code" generally refers to a whole language where "register" refers to a variety (way of speaking) within a language.

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#78 of 89 Old 12-09-2010, 01:40 PM
 
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(double-post, doh!)


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#79 of 89 Old 12-09-2010, 01:41 PM
 
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hi, bobcat. it sounds like you're a young wife doing your self-work to get along better with your husband, plan your future family, and deal with your feelings about yourself and your family of origin, complicated by with OCD and depression along the way.

there's a book i think you'd like: "Becoming The Parent You Want To Be" by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser. First, they speak of sorting through one's own childhood and family of origin, and then how to become flexible and adaptable to your child's unique character. it could really help you in deciding how - and when - to raise a child.

i was a child of the 70s and 80s, and having a high IQ and being labeled "gifted" served only to give other people unrealistic expectations of what i should do and what i should want, whereas my creative talents were - and still are - most important to me. my girl's dad's intelligence is higher than mine, and both families are filled with very smart people, quite a few at genius level. that being said, 1) i didn't expect anything about having a child other than she wouldn't be an alien (although some days that is debatable!), and 2) as humans we're all changing every day so it's up to me as a parent to continually educate myself as to my parenting skills, my child and her environment so she can be the best "she" she wants to be.

over time, more and more types of intelligence are being measured and valued. my daughter has already been labeled as gifted, yet with this her teachers expect excellence in every area and are disappointed over small things, like when she doesn't want to write lower-case letters on some days. i'm her main advocate, explaining that she learned letters and numbers and letters through touching and feeling, as well as viewing them to be symbols and pictures to draw and manipulate. her intelligence seems to be much higher visually and spatially, she can repeat very long patterns of colors and/or shapes that are spoken to her. i ask, "does it really matter if she writes 'f" rather than "F" if she's properly composing 20+ words that begin with F?" it may matter in public school and to mainstream society, but she's a free-thinker, and free-thinkers come up with some of the most amazing concepts and inventions! thank goodness she's an extrovert who makes friends easily, that's one thing i couldn't teach her.

i've never expected my child to ever entertain me with her conversation, i have adult friends for that. yet, my kidlet entertains me greatly with her antics, even the troublesome times, simply because she's my child and she's of course endlessly fascinating to me! as every child is to every mother. i hope you can sort out your difficulties with time, and thanks for posting your issue even if reading the replies was difficult - at MDC you can always expect to be challenged to grow! perhaps you could try journaling while you're looking for therapy or someone compatible to talk to? i believe journaling is great for venting and ranting and getting all the tough stuff of one's chest. i also keep a journal just for my girl, so when she's older she can see how unpredictable yet rewarding parenting can be.


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#80 of 89 Old 12-10-2010, 02:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just letting everyone know I'm still here. Thank you so much for the incredibly thoughtful and kind replies! And for some of the great suggestions....

 

I think my first post was very fear-driven. I think I was fearing the worst-case scenario, and needed to vent. I think I was also being too dramatic, which I believe I honestly couldn't help at the time.

 

I also think that a lot of the struggles I have been having communicating with my husband, I was projecting onto my future family life, and fearing that. Listening to your replies has helped ease some of the my fears. I think I just needed to hear that I would bond with my children no matter what, and that everyone is different, etc. I am hoping that the environment will help encourage our children to share things with us. I hope that encouraging them and being attentive will help them learn to be open with their thoughts, ideas, etc. Though, I do worry that they may watch some of the things my husband does, and copy that. I have learned that he will never be the perfect communicator I want him to be, and I am learning to accept that. I have flaws too, so it's not fair to hold him to a standard of perfection.

 

I do realize I won't be having adult-like conversations with my children when they are little kids. Or even when they are teens. I guess what is more important to me is that the focus is there and the desire is there. I have seen some really bad examples of families who don't really give a darn about each other, who ignore each other and each live in their own little world......I think you know where I'm going and the point I'm making.

 

I will continue to check back, though probably not as often, because I have some busy weeks coming up. Also, for my mental health, I'd like to spend more time doing fun things and less time on the computer.

 

I feel a little badly that I wasn't able to comment individually on some of the awesome replies I got in the first few days of posting this (wasn't feeling well, and also, there were so many replies!).....so I just want to say THANKS, and that I appreciate everyone who commented.

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#81 of 89 Old 12-11-2010, 09:23 AM
 
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If high intelligence was that important to you, you should have married someone your intellectual equal. I am sure there is something about your spouse that you love that you value more than intelligence.

 

I do have troubles because my husband is adopted and his adoptive family are a bunch of ninnies. This would not bother me, except that they are rude, obnoxious, drunk, nasty, evil, disgusting people. They like to push their nastiness on people too. In addition to sitting around the table talking about things like bodily functions, passing gas (except they call it f-a--r-t-i-n-g) and body parts and so on, they like to make remarks about how my husband is so smart and how I have no clue as to how smart and how lucky I am to have him. Ummm, I am smarter than him. My IQ is higher, my SATs were higher, my GREs were higher. I can see in things that happen in our lives too. We have had issues like, where niece was telling my daughter that cello players are stupid and will never do well in life. Then niece went on to claim to be in college classes, including college math. My dd and niece were 11 and 12 at the time, with my dd being older. Niece was really ripping in to DD and bragging and telling DD how dumb she is and so on. In reality, DD is years ahead of grade level and niece is struggling with daily tutoring to stay on average track. She is in a small private school too where they can work with her and give her more attention so that she does not flunk out. My dd tried to tell MIL what niece was saying (remember, niece was really putting DD down for her cello playing and calling her dumb and so on) and MIL just answered with "niece is brilliant and you just need to accept that she is much smarter than you." At that point, I walked over to niece and said "if you have X+2=5, what does X equal?" She did not know! I mean, my 1st grader could answer. She said she could only solve it if she knew what X was. I tried to explain it to her, but she did not get the concept of X being the unknown. She was a 6th grader at the time. Now niece is in 8th grade and struggling with pre-algebra and might have to repeat it next year because she just does not get it. But MIL tries to tell us that niece is in gifted and advanced classes. My daughter was in high school geometry in 8th grade, that is 2 years ahead, she found it easy and fun, and finished the year with an overall grade of 98%. 

 

It is not about needing to compete over the intelligence, it is that they start in on me, or my daughter, and so on. MIL wanted DD to transfer in to nieces school for this year. We tried and looked in to it, but the only way the school could have my daughter was if she accelerated a grade, because they had never had a child who had been ahead of grade level before and were not willing to let her be a 9th grader and just go over to the higher level science and math courses. DD does not want to accelerated, and frankly, when you are talking a school full of average and below average kids, you are not likely talking a challenging school, especially when they admit upfront that they have never had anyone ahead of grade level before. 

 

MIL acts like niece is her daughter and she is a catty mother from the playground trying to one up us. I never tell MIL anything. My children just got their PSAT scores back and they did quite well. It is not the official 11th grade year test, yet, they did very well (94th percentile for one and 99th for the other, meaning, when they get to 11th grade, the one only needs to raise his score by 1 percentile to get commended status and the other will be a semifinalist if her score remains the same. It is a pretty good assumption that it will go up. But even if it went down a few percentile points, she will still be commended).

 

On the occasion that we have dinner with them, the conversation always seems to revolve around things I would have expected in the 3rd grade. Literally, they seem fascinated by sounds the body can make. They use foul language a lot too. I am suspecting that the issues are largely character issues, but the intelligence things does seem to be there. They don't get or comprehend a lot of things. The bragging they do really bothers me too, even though I know I should not let it.

 

 

 

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#82 of 89 Old 12-11-2010, 11:45 AM
 
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Quote:
Niece was really ripping in to DD and bragging and telling DD how dumb she is and so on. In reality, DD is years ahead of grade level and niece is struggling with daily tutoring to stay on average track. She is in a small private school too where they can work with her and give her more attention so that she does not flunk out. My dd tried to tell MIL what niece was saying (remember, niece was really putting DD down for her cello playing and calling her dumb and so on) and MIL just answered with "niece is brilliant and you just need to accept that she is much smarter than you." At that point, I walked over to niece and said "if you have X+2=5, what does X equal?" She did not know!

 



You intentionally joined a children's IQ bragfest and publicly humiliated the other child?

 

Why not work on assuaging the other kid's insecurity (eg by pointing out that everyone has their own set of talents) instead of making it worse?  If she felt better about her own abilities she wouldn't need to try to take down those of your daughter.


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#83 of 89 Old 12-12-2010, 09:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

If high intelligence was that important to you, you should have married someone your intellectual equal. I am sure there is something about your spouse that you love that you value more than intelligence.

 

I do have troubles because my husband is adopted and his adoptive family are a bunch of ninnies. This would not bother me, except that they are rude, obnoxious, drunk, nasty, evil, disgusting people. They like to push their nastiness on people too. In addition to sitting around the table talking about things like bodily functions, passing gas (except they call it f-a--r-t-i-n-g) and body parts and so on, they like to make remarks about how my husband is so smart and how I have no clue as to how smart and how lucky I am to have him. Ummm, I am smarter than him. My IQ is higher, my SATs were higher, my GREs were higher. I can see in things that happen in our lives too. We have had issues like, where niece was telling my daughter that cello players are stupid and will never do well in life. Then niece went on to claim to be in college classes, including college math. My dd and niece were 11 and 12 at the time, with my dd being older. Niece was really ripping in to DD and bragging and telling DD how dumb she is and so on. In reality, DD is years ahead of grade level and niece is struggling with daily tutoring to stay on average track. She is in a small private school too where they can work with her and give her more attention so that she does not flunk out. My dd tried to tell MIL what niece was saying (remember, niece was really putting DD down for her cello playing and calling her dumb and so on) and MIL just answered with "niece is brilliant and you just need to accept that she is much smarter than you." At that point, I walked over to niece and said "if you have X+2=5, what does X equal?" She did not know! I mean, my 1st grader could answer. She said she could only solve it if she knew what X was. I tried to explain it to her, but she did not get the concept of X being the unknown. She was a 6th grader at the time. Now niece is in 8th grade and struggling with pre-algebra and might have to repeat it next year because she just does not get it. But MIL tries to tell us that niece is in gifted and advanced classes. My daughter was in high school geometry in 8th grade, that is 2 years ahead, she found it easy and fun, and finished the year with an overall grade of 98%. 

 

It is not about needing to compete over the intelligence, it is that they start in on me, or my daughter, and so on. MIL wanted DD to transfer in to nieces school for this year. We tried and looked in to it, but the only way the school could have my daughter was if she accelerated a grade, because they had never had a child who had been ahead of grade level before and were not willing to let her be a 9th grader and just go over to the higher level science and math courses. DD does not want to accelerated, and frankly, when you are talking a school full of average and below average kids, you are not likely talking a challenging school, especially when they admit upfront that they have never had anyone ahead of grade level before. 

 

MIL acts like niece is her daughter and she is a catty mother from the playground trying to one up us. I never tell MIL anything. My children just got their PSAT scores back and they did quite well. It is not the official 11th grade year test, yet, they did very well (94th percentile for one and 99th for the other, meaning, when they get to 11th grade, the one only needs to raise his score by 1 percentile to get commended status and the other will be a semifinalist if her score remains the same. It is a pretty good assumption that it will go up. But even if it went down a few percentile points, she will still be commended).

 

On the occasion that we have dinner with them, the conversation always seems to revolve around things I would have expected in the 3rd grade. Literally, they seem fascinated by sounds the body can make. They use foul language a lot too. I am suspecting that the issues are largely character issues, but the intelligence things does seem to be there. They don't get or comprehend a lot of things. The bragging they do really bothers me too, even though I know I should not let it.

 

 

 



Hmm, I had no idea joking about body parts and functions is a sign of inferior character and intelligence. I guess my family members and I are a bunch of dim-witted low-lives. eyesroll.gif

 

Also, the above poster lambastes her DH's family of origin for their tendency to brag but goes on to point out how smart and wonderful her own child is... pot/kettle/black?

 


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#84 of 89 Old 12-12-2010, 11:37 AM
 
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This thread has gotten really mean.  Maybe we can all try to be understanding of each others' struggles?


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#85 of 89 Old 12-13-2010, 01:13 PM
 
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OP, I think what has worked for me and my DH over the long term is recognizing that we each have strengths and weaknesses.  I don't know what my IQ is, but I do know that I have certain intellectual strengths that DH does not and vice versa.  I think that is what makes us function as a team, so to speak.  Think of it this way, if only ten people were allowed to leave the earth shortly before the world was about to explode, who would you want to put in space to represent humanity?  Obviously you would want some smart people, but you need to step back and take a look at your definition of smart.  Only people with high IQs?  Or, would you want a cross-section of talents whether or not such talents were representive of high IQs. 

 

I've always been "smart" in some areas but totally lame in others.  I wasn't going to comment on this thread until DH said to me the other day:  "DW, you're a brilliant person but you'd never survive in the wilderness."  Wow, is that true!  DH, on the other hand, makes up in all the areas where I am lacking.  As far as DD is concerned, I hope that she gains something from each of us. 


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#86 of 89 Old 12-14-2010, 11:04 AM
 
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OP, after reading through most of this thread I will tell you what I think.

You sound very young, and have OCD.

Right now your health is what's important. Take care of yourself and get stronger. Time is what you need.

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#87 of 89 Old 12-14-2010, 12:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bobcat View Post In fact, I think a lot of the white-collar professionals in this world are too smug for my liking, when they start talking about books, vacations, wine, theatre, etc etc....anything to make themselves sound impressive.


Yikes! I'm neither a white-collar professional or extremely wealthy (financially speaking). I do enjoy all of the things listed above, though. I hope I would never offend anyone by talking about things I'm genuinely interested in. However, I refuse to censor myself to protect others' feelings when talking about that type of thing. If they think I'm smug and trying to make myself sound important, well, that's on them. I am who I am.

 

I do think that once you have a child, you will realize that you will find ways to connect with them. It may or may not be through verbal interactions, but you will connect. Like you said, you will love them unconditionally. I have no doubt that you will make a fantastic parent. Please stick around the boards. They provide a wealth of positive parenting information.

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#88 of 89 Old 12-14-2010, 01:33 PM
 
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This thread is just too long for me to read right now but thought I would add my thoughts anyway. :)

 

I have NO idea where I am, intellectually. I am in Northern Europe and we just don't test that like you do. However, I know my former teachers would probably place me in the top 1%. (BUT, academics is a whole other things, really, and I kndew how to work the system.) I have no idea how "bright" our child is, either, and I truly don't care. I was pushed to get a university degree but I suppose I would have even without my parents' opinions. However,  What I truly enjoy is reading and living my life. I love to make shoes, decorate, sew, you name it. I never used to have enough time for all the practical and grounding things I enjoy.

 

Due to my background my biggest goal for our child is to support her in becoming who she is. If she wants a university degree, great. If not, great. I just want her to find her real vocation and live it, faithfully and hopefully joyfully. Some of the most miserable people I have met are the ones trying to live the life their parents had planned for them.


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#89 of 89 Old 12-14-2010, 03:33 PM
 
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I understand and can relate.

 

I'm 15 years into my marriage.  I have three bright, probably gifted daughters.  My husband is mathematically inclined and conversationally challenged.  He's not a dumb person.  Before we had kids, I found stimulation and conversation at my job in the biotech field.  I have stayed home since my second born was 9 months old.

 

Husband and I say words but we hardly ever connect on levels that are deeply gratifying to me, and he's got some issues with anxiety.  We are going through a period now where we both wonder if we made the right choice in marrying each other.   To complicate matters, husband had a drinking problem (better now) and passive-aggressive behaviors.

 

We went through three months of marriage therapy.  I went through the same amount of individual therapy.  Then we had to stop going because he got laid off from work.  It wasn't really helping us together, especially since our therapist suggested my husband might be gay (long story).

 

I'm personally struggling with ambivalence about it.  I have read a lot of things to try and help.  From being more zenlike with mindfulness practice, to self-help books, to trying to live more 'in the body' than in the mind, to trying to change me, to asking him (the more supposedly 'religious' one out of us) to pray for our marriage.  It didn't occur to him to do that. 

 

I am not convinced that real help is possible.  We are not making progress. 

 

It does not help that I have little social contact (except through the internet and phone calls), no job, and my parents and siblings can not help because they understand me even less than my husband does.  I am pretty much convinced that I have to give up trying and let the chips land where they fall. 

 

I don't have advice, just commisseration.  I understand the fears, the OCD, the deep desires to have a built in 'share partner'.  I really don't.  I have had to get my needs for deep communication with other communicators - and this has both been a blessing and a burden.   A blessing for me, but a burden because my husband then feels sad that he can't meet my intellectual, spiritual and philosophical needs.  And then I feel guilt for it.  But I've tried sharing with him.  He just doesn't care, can't get into what I get into, anymore than I can get into what he gets into.

 

But...it's not all bad, the nonverbal "physical" conversations are gratifying (yes, I mean the physical needs are met more than adequately).  It's just a very lopsided relationship and I don't know what to do about it.

 

I don't really believe divorce (for me anyway) is a solution, given that I have children.  Divorce when children are involved doesn't solve anything and makes things a hell of a lot worse.

 

I guess...for you, focus on what you like in your husband and always keep on the parts that are working and not what's missing.  That's what you have friends and hobbies of your own for.  But it wouldn't hurt to start now to build at least one common interest.  

 

I don't feel like I'm finished, but I have to go work on dinner.


I'll be back later.

 

 

 

 


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