I'm so sorry! It sounds like she is robbing you of peace. I took a 10 year break from my mom and it was a very good thing. It's a sad thing but the reality is that you should not allow someone to hurt you like that over and over. She has no claim to you and it sounds like you have really tried. I did open up contact with my mom again but we had a year of counseling together first as a condition. Right now I am thinking of taking another break until we have a refresher counseling session. You need to be in control and it sounds like your mom is not letting you do that.
Hugs! I'm so sorry.
From day 1 of my life my mother has struggled with me, she had undiagnosed pnd which wasn't picked up until 5years later and the birth of my brother. She never bonded with either of us. Left most if not all care duties to my father, who couldn't have been more amazing or happy we had been welcomed into the world.
For some reason or another she was absent every year for over ten years at our birthdays. She is a hypochondriac and would end up being admitted to hospital.
There was never any affection in our family, no hugs, no I love you's nothing.
She is aggressive, with a very bad temper and would lash out at me physically. The way she treats and has treated my father over the years is disgusting and to this day frustrates me beyond belief. Around puberty she started behaving resentfully around me, she has always had weight issues I myself am tall and slim. Even post children I am very tiny. The day I left home to move in with my husband who at the time was my fiancé she caused a huge argument and stormed off which is very common for her.
She has never been present as a parent and just never listens she is resentful of me and the life I have created for myself, a life which is nothing like the one I had as a child, I have an amazing marriage with my husband who I adore more than anything we have two beautiful boys and a wee one on the way, we parent very differently to anything she has ever encounted. Co-sleeping, extended breast feeding baby wearing etc. and she constantly undermines me. She recently lost it at me and caused an argument over nothing, I had taken flowers to my sick nana ( who passed away a few weeks ago ) and she managed to yell and scream at me over that. She told me I wasn't welcome at home anymore, who says that to their child. I know I never will. We didn't speak for six weeks. Then one day she just started calling to update me about her mum - nana who was dying and she acted like the argument never happened. No apology nothing. My husband was upset as he thinks that if you let her get away with it she will just continue to do it and think its ok.
She treats my father disgustingly infront of my children, she undermines me constantly, she is trying to "buy" them. Today while farewells relatives at the airport she kept insisting on buying the boys McDonalds or a toy, they were absolutely fine and I kept saying no. She asked about 8times I wanted to scream. The kids don't need stuffing with bad food or bribed. They had more fun chatting to a little boy at the next table about where he was flying home too and if he'd had a great holiday here. I left angry and I outwardly thought that if I never saw her again it would be too soon. She is so difficult, nothing in this world will ever make her happy and her awful comments and constant bickering with people make me want to steer well clear of her and her toxic behaviour more importantly why should I let her spend privileged time with my babies if when in a bad mood she takes it out on them and tells them off constantly.
It's really looking like she will never change, the bad outweighs the good. I am so thankful I am nothing like her.
Living 45mins away just isn't far enough :-(
I went through some of the same things. I was the bad daughter all the time (in eyes of family). Got the same thing from my dad like you did. Brother was on mom's side and mad at me for having my own life...I took a break ( one year) as well then went back to toxic relationship with all toxic family. I sat here thinking why do I feel so bad, like I am in a box and suffocating! People like our moms are sucking the life out of us because they can't deal with us women growing up and not being there for their beacon call. I was in tears earlier then found this site. Thanks for all posts! My fellow sister, be true to yourself and grab life and succeed and do not be deceived by anyone because you deserve to be happy! God loves you and has not forgotten you! (I am reminded of hope by the encouraging posts!) OX
Your mom sounds horrid. SHe is trying to throw barriers in your path every time you succeed in your life, and you will never please her or get her approval-- no matter how hard to you try. It's time to hold your head up, set some boundaries, and prepare to cut off the relationship for awhile. You need the freedom to grow and follow your heart and accept (rather than forgive) the way she is. And since she's that way, and probably will not change, you need to set yourself free.
There is a good book called How Can I Forgive You? and there is a chapter for people whose offender will never say sorry or change, and you have to learn to accept that and not let them take power over your happiness anymore.