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#1 of 34 Old 12-09-2010, 07:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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 I have finally come to terms with my relationship with my mother.  She is a horrible example of mother hood.  We used to be really close.  I noticed though that as I matured and became more and more independent that she would make undercutting remarks to me about my face, body, job and relationships with men and my girlfriends.   It is as if she is trying to break my spirit.  I personally think any parent (let alone mother) who would discourage their children is insane.  Most people are in disbelief when I tell them of what I have endured.  Family friends often refer to the Bible to consul me on dealing with my mom.  “GOD said honor you parents!”  GEEEEEZZ.  WTF !!! Am I supposed to subject myself to abuse in order to be in good with GOOD? I am so tired of hearing that I want to through up.

 

Nobody ever says “God said don’t provoke your children”

A t times , I have sunk into a deep depression and felt on the brink of insanity…seriously) I sought counseling many times throughout my life, the last of which was at University of Chicago where I was treated for bulimia (common disease among women who have be raised by rigid, controlling parents).  Any time I expressed myself, I was told “You don’t feel that way” or “You so sensitive!”  Throwing up was the way I released for over 20 years!

 

Until I started taking up for myself I did not know this type o f mother –daughter relationship was abnormal.

 

Please allow me to explain the personal attacks and verbal assaults I have endured of my life.

 

As an adolescent, she has ordered at least one credit card in my name without my permission.

 

She has told me that my face look distorted when I gain weight.  Yes.   My mother said this to me which is very strange coming from someone (my mother) who is been obese all my life and who underwent gastric bypass surgery.

She seems threatened by anyone that become close with and often accused me of treating my friends better that I treat her.

 

After not talking for several months, we do talk the thing out of her mouth is “Do you have any money I can borrow?”

 

When landing a very coveted position at work, she says, “O they must not have checked your credit”

 

When tell her about a new man I met she told me the following:

“You need to work on yourself.”

“You should find out how old his wife is because he may like younger women than you.”

“OOOO he is going to see the dimples in your ass.”

Once I caught her looking through my dresser and studying my jewel (a big “NO, NO”), when I confronted she lied about not doing it and cursed

Once she invited me to go to the movie with her. When I arrived at the movies, she decided that she want to see a different movie and told me to hold her seat.  When the movie she was going to see ended she would come join me.  “Save me a seat she said.”

 

On two occasions that is and recall, she has invited me to dinner and changed her mind. I only found out after calling several times to tell her that I’m on my way only to find out that she has changed her mind.  When I confront her about her actions, she’ll hang up.  I’ll call back and she hangs up.

 

The last time she did that I left a very calm message on her voice mail tells him that I did not want to have anything to do with her.   I arrived at work the next day to find an email which she sent to my job “Delete my cell, home number and email. I have to let you go to save my sanity!” 

 

 Can you believe this?  I did even get mad that she sent this to my job email.  I just responded: Thank you Jesus!”

 

It actually reminded me of a time when I stopped talking with her and she called my job ask to speak with the VP of my group.  Very inappropriate. It amazes me that I even speak to her.   I depresses me that she is really the only family I have.   We are estranged from many family member because he relationship with then.  Having never grown up around them, I really don’t know them and to be quite honest they are very dysfunctional (meaning drug addicts, alcoholism, mental physical abuse and prostitution run rampant on both sides of my family).  She had a particularly poor relationship with her mom.   It mirrors what I have endured all my life. 

When I have asked her to seek counseling, she gets mad and accuses me of throwing she and her mother relationship in her face.

 

When I get mad and curse at her (and believe you me,  the crap that she has pulled would have Jesus, himself lose it) she lashes out  by the cursing at me , shuts down, throw a tantrum or some other outlandish act.  As an aside, I started lashing back in my late twenties after being called whore, bitch, slut and disease infested but my mother when I would rebel against her bullying behavior.

I know this sounds really bad but I really, really hate my mother.  She is a miserable controlling bitch.  I don’t arrive at this conclusion easily and I hate to this it (because she should be happy and supportive of me).  I think she is jealous of me and wants to control me.

She speaks poorly of me and even lies to her friends as if I were some sort of irresponsive person or some low life of society. I am college graduate.  I have masters not children. I am fiscally responsible, kind to my friends and acquaintances and love socializing opposed to her who is irresponsible regarding her finances, ignores her friends unless she needs a favor and feel unaccomplished in her profession.

It makes me sad that God would give me a mom that hate herself and projects her hatred on me.  I have no other family to turn to and while, I have cultivated a really strong support system of friends, it is particularly difficult during the holidays and looking at the prospects of our relationships getting better.  I have lost all hope that she will ever change.  It might be easier if I had a family (husband and children) it is really hard to endure her treatment and it makes me feel worthless at time.  As a result, I am ok it her thinking she ended out contact.  At this point, it is the worst it has ever been because I was seeing a new guy I think she became threat coupled with fact that I am quick to put her in our place.

 

I’m just wondering is anyone out there can relate.  Do you have any advice to help me cope?  What is the matter with this lady?  What kind of mother does these things to an intelligent, caring daughter?

 

Oprah says forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will change.  My thing is trying to cope with the future.  Will it be brighter?

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#2 of 34 Old 12-09-2010, 07:58 PM
 
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Huge hugs, mama.

Your mother sounds very toxic and abusive and sometimes just hearing from someone else, even a stranger, that it really isn't you, she really is crazy and mean, can help. So here it is: from your description, it really isn't you. Your mother is mean and treats you like garbage. She doesn't sound like she's capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved. And there's nothing you can do or could have done to make her treat you better. Her abuse is not your fault.

It's not your fault.

Both of my parents are abusers and I cut contact with them after many wasted years of trying to make them treat me better. But you can't make other people do anything; they have to want to do it. My parents didn't want to stop abusing me, so I had to walk away. It was hard and very hurtful, but my life is about a million times better now that I'm no longer being abused by the people who were supposed to love me the most. I broke the cycle.

And make no mistake, it's very possible for a parent to abuse you even long after you've grown into an adult. In fact, abusers often get worse with age. greensad.gif

I strongly encourage you to read the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. That book really gave me the kick in the pants I needed to change what was, for me, a horrible and damaging relationship with my parents. It also helped me realize that their awful behavior had little or nothing to do with who I am as a person. It's not my fault, and never was my fault, that they're crazy.

Do you have a therapist right now? If not, please consider finding someone who specializes in PTSD, personality disorders, and child abuse. My PTSD diagnosis and the realization that both parents have raging personality disorders was like finding a flashlight in the dark. Things make a lot more sense now. Maybe a good therapist could help you come to some similarly healing realizations about yourself.

Oh, and regarding forgiveness...you know, it's pretty hard if not impossible to forgive someone who refuses to admit any wrongdoing or fault. You're certainly not obligated to pretend that abuse didn't happen, or just sit back and take it, just because the abuser happens to share some DNA with you. No one tells a battered woman that she has to forgive her abuser; our parents don't get some special consideration just because they chose to have us. If you're a Christian (it sounds from your post like you might be), the Luke 17:3 Ministries site has some good Scripture-based arguments against automatically forgiving abusers. They also discuss the commandment to honor our parents; in a nutshell, we can continue to honor our parents even after cutting them out of our lives. I struggle to do it every day.

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#3 of 34 Old 12-10-2010, 08:13 AM
 
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 Toxic Parents would probably be very helpful to you.

 

You're Christian, right? You might want to take a look at book called People of the Lie. It makes a good argument for narcissism as the root of a lot of evil acts, including the type of abuse you're discussing.

 

Another book that I found helpful was Stop Walking on Eggshells. Even if your mom doesn't have BPD, it has some good strategies and insight for dealing with difficult family members. 

 

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#4 of 34 Old 12-10-2010, 08:27 AM
 
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Yes, People of the Lie has some very good insights.

 

So sorry you had to go through this with your mother.


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#5 of 34 Old 12-10-2010, 10:45 AM
 
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<i>Oh, and regarding forgiveness...you know, it's pretty hard if not impossible to forgive someone who refuses to admit any wrongdoing or fault. You're certainly not obligated to pretend that abuse didn't happen, or just sit back and take it, just because the abuser happens to share some DNA with you. No one tells a battered woman that she has to forgive her abuser; our parents don't get some special consideration just because they chose to have us. If you're a Christian (it sounds from your post like you might be), the Luke 17:3 Ministries site has some good Scripture-based arguments against automatically forgiving abusers. They also discuss the commandment to honor our parents; in a nutshell, we can continue to honor our parents even after cutting them out of our lives. I struggle to do it every day.</i>

 

I was thinking about this more, and I didn't work on forgiveness with my parents. I didn't go out looking to forgive my parents. I was an alcoholic, so  I did the 12 steps through AA, and forgiveness of others isn't exactly the focus. In AA, you don't work on forgiveness you work on yourself. Forgiveness is directed at the actions of the other person. You're thinking about what the other person did to you. In AA, I did a fourth step inventory and a fifth step with another person.  In that fourth step, I wrote down all of the people with whom I was angry or scared or hurt and why. Then I talked about it with another person. I obtained some perspective on what happened and some acceptance of it. It was really helpful to hear that my parents were wrong. It was really helpful to hear that my acting out around it was normal, but not helpful. It was helpful to hear someone else with suggestions about how to not make the situation worse.  I wasn't working on forgiving my parents. I worked on finding peace about what had happened, for myself. I also had to work on finding boundaries around what I was willing to put up with today.  I had to learn to practice doing the next "right thing" without falling back into what happened 20 years ago and the fact that my mother had been an evil witch for much of my life. Going through the process of doing the steps really helped.  The 4th and 5th steps are framed in terms of "people we have harmed," but it's supposed to be a moral inventory, not just an inventory of what we did wrong. It's very useful to apply to people who have harmed us and who have left us hurt, frightened and angry.

 

So here's the bottom line of what I did -- 1) I did an inventory of all of the stuff in the past that I was upset about and talked to someone about it to get a loving, compassionate perspective. 2)  I did a day-to-day inventory of the stuff in the present moment that I was upset about and talked to someone about it to get a loving, compassionate perspective and advice on how to handle a difficult person on a day-to-day basis. Those are basically objectives that can be handled in a cognitive-behavioral therapy setting, as well as a self-help group. If you can't afford therapy, an ACOA meeting or Al-Anon meeting that takes the steps seriously might help, especially as your mother sounds like an untreated, unrecovered ACOA.
 

One of the other suggestions that AA members have found helpful to work towards forgiveness is to pray for that person. Pray as hard as you can. Don't pray that they get better. Pray that they find love and joy and everything that you could ever wish for yourself.  Doing that will eventually break down the anger that you feel. Your mother may not make you happy, but she'll make you less crazy.

 

Other people hate the 12 steps, though, so YMMV on their usefulness or the wisdom of my path.  The 12 steps really helped me, but other people have found it not helpful.

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#6 of 34 Old 12-10-2010, 11:10 AM
 
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Ohhh, I forgot to mention this book: Mending the Soul by Steven R. Tracy. It discusses the realities of abusive families from a Biblical perspective. I found it very very helpful.

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When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. --George Bernard Shaw

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#7 of 34 Old 12-10-2010, 01:29 PM
 
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Hugs, OP. Your mom sounds horribly toxic and you don't deserve anything she's dished out to you. I agree with the other posters and also recommend a book called Mean Mother by Peg Streep. I borrowed it from my local library. I hope you realize that your mother is the one who's flawed, not you! Choose to love yourself even though your mother has not been loving to you.

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#8 of 34 Old 12-11-2010, 01:08 AM
 
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Family friends often refer to the Bible to consul me on dealing with my mom.  “GOD said honor you parents!”  GEEEEEZZ.  WTF !!! Am I supposed to subject myself to abuse in order to be in good with GOOD? I am so tired of hearing that I want to through up.

 

Nobody ever says “God said don’t provoke your children”

 

 

First off, the Bible says to honor your parents, not keep returning to them for abuse. You can honor her by learning to forgive and let go, but you are not required to be her victim, even if she has no clue what she's doing. If it's best for you to cut off contact, you can do it respectfully, even if she doesn't think you're being respectful.

 

And the scriptures DO say not to provoke your children:

 

Quote:
4  And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
(New Testament | Ephesians 6:4)
----------------
21  Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
(New Testament | Colossians 3:21)

 

Yes, it says "fathers" but it can apply just as readily to mothers.

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#9 of 34 Old 12-11-2010, 09:31 AM
 
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I do think she is abusive and you should move on. You should not have her back in your life. ((((hugs))))

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#10 of 34 Old 12-11-2010, 12:55 PM
 
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My mother has done very similar things to the things you wrote. I once told DH's sister & her husband about some of the things my mom said, and BIL said that he'd always thought I came across as cold & distant but now he understood that getting close to people was so dangerous in my family. It's true. That's very much how it is.

 

As for the question of toxic or mentally ill, I'd say both. I mean, that's how I feel about my mom. She's a sociopath (which I know isn't actually a mental illness) and has been diagnosed as bipolar. She's also toxic, though. I also am bipolar, but I don't treat people that way. 

 

Cutting her gradually & gently out of my life has been the best thing I've ever done. I feel SO MUCH FREER now - much better than years and years of therapy ever made me feel. At Thanksgiving, I decided to try seeing her. She got angry at me, and for once I didn't respond. I just said, "I'm not having this conversation." She still hasn't spoken to me, and it's actually okay with me. Disagreement equals mutiny to her, and it sounds like your mother is the same. Cut yourself loose. Honoring your parents does not have to mean continuing to put yourself in harm's way. Don't be cruel or mean in return, but you don't have to put up with the abuse either.

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#11 of 34 Old 12-29-2010, 07:04 AM
 
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Hugs, hugs, hugs, mama.

 

My mom was also abusive and toxic, and I too suffered from an eating disorder for many years as a direct result.

 

I myself am not a Christian, but my mom's a fundamentalist Christian and so are her sisters. I often heard the same remark you did when I attempted to break off communication with her - "The Bible says you must honor your parents."

 

But here's the thing, if you really want to start trading scripture with these people then honestly, that exchange could go all day. Check out Colossians 3:21 (Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged) and Ephesians 6:4 (Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.) :) Plus if I recall my Bible right, JC really liked little kids and didn't seem too uh, happy with people who treated them nastily.

 

That aside, I'm sorry that all this happened to you. Your mother sounds incredibly narcissistic. You will likely need to hear this over and over in your life, and it will be true every time it's said, it's not your fault; it's not about you.

 

It's hard, but you can become the loving mom to yourself that you didn't have. You seem like despite what you went through, you still have a loving heart and a good head on your shoulders. That's huge and amazing and awesome. You are awesome. Let your mom keep her toxic thoughts and behavior. They don't have anything to do with you, sweetie.

 

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#12 of 34 Old 01-04-2011, 07:37 AM
 
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She is mentally ill.  Look up the diagnostic criteria fro borderline personality disorder.  Then go to bpdfamily.com, they have great support forums. 

 

From someone who is THERE with my sister.  Hugs sweety, I'm so sorry.

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#13 of 34 Old 01-26-2012, 09:35 PM
 
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hi TDUB im bella 33 from ny i too have a mother just like yours reading your story was like  looking at my everyday life my mother is very abusive verbally and was physically when i was a child and still is she has bounced checks in my name  turned lights on ridiculed me told store owners in my neighborhood our family problems just o get sympathy out of them so they can give her money called me whore bitch slut ugly  talked about my weigh t mind u im an attractive woman she also steals and says she doesnt she will throw temper tantrums and jump up and down like a maniac her looks are even more disturbing she has no teeth and looks like a witch God forgive me but i really cant stand her she constantly acts like shes normal when clearly shes not she lies about everything talks to noone in my family and then when she does talk to them cause she wants money or ciggarettes she bad mouths me  saying im a bad mother i dont do nothing when clearly she is the one that does not and people in my family let her get away with this and say shes just sick u have to ignore her im like why dont u put her butt in counseling like i was made too at an early age she never says she loves me ever never hugged or kissed me dont remember her doing anything with me  as a child all she did was buy me things she also has a spending problem and is 60 yrs old never had a car or her own house and its embarassing recently i found my real dad and all she did was tell me how he will give me the boot too .he glorifys my sister and brother and has always treated me like crap she thinks cause she buys me things thats caring i cant stand her she smokes has copd too and then i buy her meds and im the bitch and all that she as even told my daughter horrible thing that werent true and im trying to be a christian and i struggle to i cry all the time and ask God to take her away from me so i know what ur going through my family is wacko and its embarassing her mother mistreated her so that gives her right to do it to me she tells me im dumb that my boyfriends left me for other girls who were prettier searches through my things its a night mare the only one who can save us is the lord i do lash out back at her but only because of what she does is so dysfunctional and draining i have to sleep with my purse not only from her stealing but her getting info on me this xmas was a disaster she tried to hit me with the xmas tree all because i didnt bring her coffee and threatened to stab me when the cops came she lied like a socio[path and one of the morons believed her  the other one didnt  she has tried  to get me thrown into jail and has done that before too  i know what ur going through and noone can understand us unless they live this nightmare but i can tell u this u are none of those things she says u are  and ur right they both are jealous of their daughters cause we arent like them anyone may God keep u i hope i helped xoxoxoxox

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#14 of 34 Old 01-27-2012, 11:26 AM
 
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Oprah says forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will change.  My thing is trying to cope with the future.  Will it be brighter?

 

It took me many years to recognize that my parents were frequently emotionally abusive, occasionally physically abusive, and that I still loved them very much.  I went through a period where I considered ending all contact.  I chose not to.  Here's where I am at now, and I hope that my realizations will be comforting or helpful to you.

I continue to work on giving up the hope that the past will change.  It's hard to know that your childhood was very painful, and it's gone, and there are no do-overs.  I am working on accepting that I will live with the fall-out for the rest of my life.  What I have started to realize is that it isn't up to my parents to create a brighter future.  It's up to me.  I choose how I carry my childhood.  I choose how I respond to my parents.  I have removed myself from them by half a continent, and limit the amount of time I spend speaking to them in any given year.  If I am, after a conversation, left feeling drained, judged, unloved and unlovable, I don't respond to their next contacts until I feel recovered and ready.  I rarely initiate contact because I rarely want it.  I am slowly but surely realizing that while I don't control them, I do control me;  I'm starting to realize how wonderful that is.  When my parents visited, recently, it was the first time in several years that I had seen them in person.  At one point I became aware that one of my parents was attempting to start a fight with me.  (Which is fairly normal for this parent and I.)  I simply stopped and stated the the fight that parent was looking for wasn't going to happen.  And it didn't.  My parent didn't need to change at all for the outcome of that interaction to be different. 

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, and I'm sorry for all the hurt your mother has caused you.  I wish you all the joy, happiness and healing in the world, and all the strength you need to get to that place. 

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#15 of 34 Old 01-28-2012, 09:48 AM
 
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You are not alone.  There are so many of us who had crappy parents and the scars to show for it.  Parents are supposed to be there for their kids - make sure their kids reach their full potential as human beings.  Your parents failed you in a major way, and it's not your fault.  Also you are not responsible for fixing your mom or the failed relationship.  You are not the parent.  Set up some boundaries for yourself.  Talking to a therapist (the right therapist) can really help. 


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#16 of 34 Old 07-23-2012, 03:31 PM
 
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I'm not a clinician;based on what youv'e typed and the limited insight on the topic I would say she may have NPD-narcissistic personality disorder. She have a personality disorder. You could try Dr.Karyl Mc Bride's website www.willieverbegoodenough.com for a comparison. However, a lot of the times personality disorders overlap(are co-morbid) with other underlying and more pervasive conditions, behaviours addictions, trauma etc.

I personally believe acceptance is the first stage.

 

 

Hope this helps.

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#17 of 34 Old 07-24-2012, 04:05 AM
 
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A friend once said to me "Forgiveness is about the past, while trust is about the future". Forgiving her, if you can, means realizing she has her own problems that she wrestles with that cause her to behave that way. You, then, let go of your anger and focus on improving your life. Trust is about the future means that you know what she's like and what kind of treatment you expect to get. If it is harmful to you or your children, avoid it.

As a personal note, I have little contact with my mother and have yet to able to forgive her. Oh, well.
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#18 of 34 Old 07-24-2012, 02:01 PM
 
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Cut her off until you feel strong enough to deal with her crap, then you let her into your life, but on your terms only.

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#19 of 34 Old 10-12-2012, 07:53 PM
 
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Hello,

 

          I am very sorry to hear you story, I have a a similer story and i thought i was the only one with a mentaly ill mother. My mother has been mentally and physically abusive all my life and you get to that point growing up around it where it just seems normal.  After my parents got a divorce the court thought it was in my best intrest to live with my father.  I got to the point where i was old enough to get to decide where i got to live, so i decited to live with my mother, what a bad decision. I 
Starting off living with my mother it seemed great or maybe i was just to young to understand really what was happening. She had a boyfriend who seemed to be a great guy.  The this guy she started dating took pretty good care of her, so she decited to move in with him.  After a couple years the guy and me started to not get along, their was always a constent battle between both of us.  I somehow ended up to be the bad kid no matter how much good i did i was the scum of the earth.   I would come home, after school after having a normal conversation with her that morning before school and she told me she wished she would of swallowed, she wished she dident have kids how i was worthless, she told me how meaningless I was to her ect.  We would get in a aurguement after she blow up for no reason then she would punch me in the face then call the cops on me for running away because I needed to get away. This happened many of times maybe 20 of times, her boyfriend told me how he wasent afraid of going to jail and he would kick my ass if I disrespeced her.  The final time i was at our family home with my Girlfriend and my bestfriend thoughout highschool.  She came home from running errans in town.  She walked into the door and said everybody needs to go the fuck home now!!!!!  I asked my mom in a calm voice what did i do, what is wrong.  She said just tell everyone to get the fuck out of my house.  After trying to talk about the situation it proceded to esculate.  My mother told me to leave get the fuck out of her house she doesent want nothing to do with me.  So my friend took me to his house for everything to cool down because this hasent happened just once.  My friend got a call from a number he did not recongnise, so he answered it.  The call was from the county sherriff my mother has called him and told him that i have a shotgun and im dangerous, the sherriff asked where i was at and told me to stay at my friends house.  about half the countrys sherriffs showed up at my buddy house.  After that they figured out that my mom was crazy and child proctective services was trying to put me in a foster home, but luckly i got to stay with my friend and finish up my senior year.  After graduation i decited to join the air force national gaurd to help pay for college. while i was gone after basic and my school she talked to me she told me she misses me and she loves me so much and she wants me to come live with her back home after i get home from the service.  I decited i would save money and live with her she is really nice she gave me a clunker to drive and that lasted a couple weeks.  i went to stay with my dad in nebraska for a few days.  After them few days i returned home my girlfriend dropped me. she opened the door and screamed tell that bitch she isent welcome here!!!!  i take all my belongings inside and i dont say much ethier does she.  My mother goes to bed and i am on my labtop for a few hours.  After i few hours she comes out and i ask her are you going to work in the morning?  She replies no.  I asked her if i could borrow her truck from 7 am to 4 pm because she doesnt have to be to work until 11apm.  She replies are you high go ask your dad for a vehicle.  The she replies you just use me and that i better start looking for somewhere to live.  I told her if i dont show up for my military service thats considered going awal and i could go to prision for that she told me im not using anything of hers go to prision then.  im moving with my dad monday.

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#20 of 34 Old 10-28-2012, 06:06 PM
 
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#21 of 34 Old 11-04-2012, 03:18 PM
 
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:hugs: I haven't spoken to my mother in more than a year - since late last summer (July/August of 11'). She has never respected me as an adult and constantly made snide remarks about me and how I was choosing to live my life and/or raise my kids. I could never be good enough for her - either I wasn't playing with my kids enough, or I was feeding them horrible food or my house wasn't clean enough or... something. Always something. Then for a year or so before I finally cut her off, every time she saw me, after greting me and she'd look at me and say, in the most bitchy tone possible 'So! Are you going to be appropriate to to me today?' - you can exchange 'appropriate' for kind/nice or various other adjectives. Whats the appropriate response I never did figure out - being nice didn't work, being mean, ignoring her completely it didn't matter. Finally I told her to leave and nearly called the cops on her when she tried to refuse. Since I cut her off, my life has been vastly improved - much less stress, much more calm just a much better life over all. So thats my only suggestion - cut her loose. 

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#22 of 34 Old 11-05-2012, 05:34 PM
 
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My mother is abusive, too, always has been, always will be.  There were times in my early to mid 20's where I believed she could and would change, but that was just a fantasy.  The fact is (and you touched upon this yourself) she doesn't believe she's done anything wrong.  Sometimes she'll say she's sorry but I know now it's because she gets into her pity mindset where she wants people to feel sorry for her (the focus always, always, always has to be on her).  I've wanted her love, her attention, her approval but all I've gotten is ridicule, judgment, and a complete lack of healthy attention.  It's easy to get sucked into the cycle of getting angry, pulling away and then wanting to be loved, going back to her, wanting to make things "right".  When you're able to stand back and see this cycle clearly, you'll be ready to let go of it.  When you're in it and you can't see that you're in it, you're not ready yet.  Mothers like mine and yours will always be wounded children at heart, which makes it impossible for them to be the mothers we want them to be.  Accepting that is the hardest yet most important thing you can do for yourself and those who are connected to you.  Once you fully accept it, you'll be free.  You'll feel lighter, happier, more comfortable with yourself and those around you.  This requires a lot of emotional vulnerability and a willingness to let go and break free of emotional habits and conditioning.  I wish you well on your journey love.gif

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#23 of 34 Old 01-24-2013, 02:02 AM
 
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God i thought i was da only one, my mother has gotten worse as the years go by, she refuses to get a job and expects her kids to support her, she moans that she has ti babysit for us when we work even though she gets paid for it and if we look for another babysitter she causes murder and tells us that she needs the money for her bills, any time that should bring joy for us she ruins by spreading misery, when she attends my childs dance events she always causes trouble with people, if she notices one of us has made a particular effort with our appearance then she smirks at us and says ' what the hell are you wearing?'. She tells me im too strict on my child because i said leaving school early will not be an option and she will be going to college and that i am putting too much pressure on her and she will end up self harming?? When i refused to buy my child fast food instead of a proper dinner I was told i was giving her the wrong impression about food and that she will end up anorexic. I am just about ready to walk away at this stage
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#24 of 34 Old 01-24-2013, 10:12 AM
 
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I fell and ended up with a hairline fracture a couple months ago. When I talked to my mother recently, I listened to her go on about her health problems, as well as those of my brother and sister who live in her area. When I started telling her about my hand, she interrupted and said "you're young", then ended the conversation. Oh, well.
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#25 of 34 Old 02-09-2013, 01:24 PM
 
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Unfortunatly I know how you feel! That's my mom! We were very close until I start to grow up into adulthood. she got very jealous of all my friends, univesity, body, face, boyfriends...my mother was a cumplice of my sexual abuse. it was on my own home in my own bedroom. he was my friend so I suposed. she invited him to sleep in the other spare room and went out knowing what was going to happen. That almost destroied my life! I almost commited suicide, went to therapy alot and I still work on it. when I confronted her on it she acused me of being a whore, that I deserve it and if he was my friend it's not rape because he had the right to do it! that I was insane. she tryed to pick me boyfriends and husbands with alot of money because my father and her are in bankrupcy (huge!!!!) for more than 10 yers. she's really manipulative, she says she's not your mother and them she says she loves you. she tries to buy you with stuff. even when i was super thin she always said  - you are so dawn fat you are going to die alone! My weight was 45 kg! I emigrate to Brazil with my fiancee (wich she tortured for more than 2 years! and she told me that he was gonna rape me forever because that what I use for) she went stolking me! it was incredible! she went to the police saying that my fiancee had killed me and ran away! how is that possible!??! then apoligise and told me that was my father that told her that! I said enough! in my wedding she appeared and made a huge scene saying it was over for her that i was no longer her daughter (thank God I thought!)  and that me and my husband were gonna die very hard! in Xmas she blackmailed me with my father health saying that he had a tumor  - cancer! Lie! Now he is just like her. He was not but now he believe in everything she says because he live out of the country and only comes back 3 times a year! A wrecked familly! My youngest sister is going insane also because my insane mother is doing exactly the same with her! my mother has alot of disieases from the soul - vitiligo , gastric ulcer, lung and kdny and pancreas problems...she's dying litle by litle. And she is mentally ill but she doesn't acept that! Now since january she says that I married because I'm insane and that wants me to get the divorce. She called me alot of times to say that I never would get children birth because children are the cancer of life. sons are problems and can become monsters! she says all that barbarities and the next day she calls to ask about if you are ok , that she's concerned and when you confronte her she says that I'm insane that that never happen and because she only do it whe I was alone with her or by phone I never had any phisical proof! she says she loves to turn the others life's person in a hell because it's funny , that maybe she's from hell because she's hot (????) then she says she is jocking. she says that she is the next bin laden terrible stuff! I had bulimia also and alot of anxiety isuues that I never had! I know that i was tremendly beautifull (it's true), a good person, smart funny, too sensitive and too atached to my mother. she destroyd all my relationsships with friends, and with boyfriends. she even stolle their phone numbers from my cell phone and call saying the craziest things!!! Now the new one is that I married to run away from her because i'm mentally ill and she wants me to ask the divorce. it was over. I call her saying that it had a stop now. I love myself and i don't want anymore of that. she says: "I dont understand! why Ingrid? I love you honey! you are my child! " then she tottally turned all and get super angry "I want you to dye in hell you are a weak! I'll never speak you again" and she hang up!

I though - it's over - I cryed alot! My husband was all sweet but nothing can take this from me but myself. She is the only person from whom I ever felt hate ! It's terrible!

The nexr day she call over and over again and send text messages "why me? answer me my young child! I love you! " I  just sen "I love myself! ou are gone since i grow up" I hang off my cell since and I cannot hang on it because I want her to leave me alone. If she doesn't stop I will call the police! I'm in terrible pain but I can no longer Honor my parents! the rest of my story is just above like TDub's! Exactly the same!

 

I want a brighter future also! we deserve it!

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#26 of 34 Old 02-09-2013, 02:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linnaea View Post

My mother is abusive, too, always has been, always will be.  There were times in my early to mid 20's where I believed she could and would change, but that was just a fantasy.  The fact is (and you touched upon this yourself) she doesn't believe she's done anything wrong.  Sometimes she'll say she's sorry but I know now it's because she gets into her pity mindset where she wants people to feel sorry for her (the focus always, always, always has to be on her).  I've wanted her love, her attention, her approval but all I've gotten is ridicule, judgment, and a complete lack of healthy attention.  It's easy to get sucked into the cycle of getting angry, pulling away and then wanting to be loved, going back to her, wanting to make things "right".  When you're able to stand back and see this cycle clearly, you'll be ready to let go of it.  When you're in it and you can't see that you're in it, you're not ready yet.  Mothers like mine and yours will always be wounded children at heart, which makes it impossible for them to be the mothers we want them to be.  Accepting that is the hardest yet most important thing you can do for yourself and those who are connected to you.  Once you fully accept it, you'll be free.  You'll feel lighter, happier, more comfortable with yourself and those around you.  This requires a lot of emotional vulnerability and a willingness to let go and break free of emotional habits and conditioning.  I wish you well on your journey love.gif

"Mothers like mine and yours will always be wounded children at heart, which makes it impossible for them to be the mothers we want them to be. Accepting that is the hardest yet most important thing you can do for yourself and those who are connected to you. Once you fully accept it, you'll be free. You'll feel lighter, happier, more comfortable with yourself and those around you. This requires a lot of emotional vulnerability and a willingness to let go and break free of emotional habits and conditioning."

 

I'm in that phase and it's really the hardest painfull part! You don't want to believe that she is like that and we lie to ourselves until we are done with it! Your post gave me Strenght and Hope! Thank You!

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#27 of 34 Old 03-23-2013, 09:45 AM
 
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My first time ever posting on  a forum.

I share some of the same experiences as earlier posters. I am a grown women with children in college. I continue to suffer guilt over my relationship with my mother. 

I don't know where to begin. As long as I can remember my relationship with my mother has been challenging. I have always wondered if she suffers from some kind of mental disorder.

I want to move on, but the memories are holding me captive. I want to forgive and forget. 

 

First she is very religious which makes this whole thing more complicated. She would always quote scripture and pray while at the same time have really strange behaviors like staying in bed all the time, even skipping Christmas dinner with family on occasion. I recall one time as a child ( like maybe 10 years old) asking my dad what's wrong with mom. He just stood there and didn't answer. So frustrating, especially since I was the only child with no one else to observe or understand what was going on. As a child I thought her behavior was somehow my fault.

 

Along with her religiousness comes much judgement. She has driven friends of mine away with her rude comments. As a kid it's hard to reconcile your feelings of being loyal to your mother when all you want is to have friends. My friends held the rude comments against me. Frustrating as a kid. Made me angry at her and my friends. 

 

Second, she was critical of me. She said it was only constructive criticism, but it never felt constructive. In high school she would question my choice of clothing and say that makes you look big. Once in front of my friends she took a picture of my butt to show me how unflattering the pants were. I still have this picture. She would say things like...Oh you'll never make it college, you don't have what it takes. ( Side note-she dropped out of college because "her candle burnt at both ends." ) All of this makes me feel very vulnerable around her.

 

I recall before getting married I went wedding dress shopping. I had my own money to buy the dress, by the way. I invited her to go because I thought that's what you do. MISTAKE! Once out of the dressing room, in front of the staff, she says...."I will not have that dress in my church."  I was embarrassed and extremely angry to say the least. Another side note...the dress wasn't even scandalous, just not modest enough for her taste.  This just made me want to distance myself from her.

 

 

(Somehow, this all sounds so trite, but it's hard to capture a lifetime of confusion in one post. Another really difficult part of the equation is that I "think" all of her church friends adore her and think she is a saint. )

 

Another side note: One of the first times my now husband was ever around my mother, he quickly asked if we could leave. As soon we were away from her he said..." I was not going to listen to your mother talk about you like that for another second." Needless to say I was dumbfounded. He may have been one of the first people to acknowledge her rude passive/aggressive comments to me. It was so affirming. As I've said, I always assume it's me not her. It's my fault. I am fat. I am stupid. I am an immodest dresser. 

 

On a completely different note, she has always been somewhat of a hoarder, but over the years it's gotten worse. I have been "kept" away from their house for years. I believe the last time I was in my parents house was 2007. Even this Christmas, we drove to see them and I was told over the phone..."Don't come to our house, we'll come to your hotel. We are having repair issues."

 

Lastly, even my children have difficulty being around her. They have come to recognize all things I observed as child. 

 

 

All that said, we do not live in the same state. I avoid talking to her. I avoid seeing her. She has over the years expressed how close she wants to be while at the same time does not acknowledge any of her wrong doing. Quite the contrary, she  is very defensive and does not think she has done anything wrong. Basically it is my duty to over look the past and even the present behavior. It is my job to nurture the relationship. My parents rarely come to visit me. It's always ...they don't have any money while at the same time she looks fabulous with her expensive clothes, shoes, and purses. How am I to interpret this? No money for gas, but money for clothes??   She says...I miss you so much. I think about you all the time, but no visits??? 

 

Help!

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#28 of 34 Old 03-23-2013, 11:31 AM
 
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Are we related? Your mom and my mom sound like sisters! I have struggled with confident issues and depression my whole life because of the things my mom said and did around me. I have gotten much better since I decided to stop the abuse and tell her I do not want any contact. I have a support system mainly my husband. I can understand how it could be tough without a husband or child to hang on too. Maybe a close friend and their family could "take you in". That's how I feel about my husbands family, they took me in and I was able to see what a "normal" family is like. Unfortunitly everything comes with a price. Since I refuse to have contact with my parents, my brother has decided to choose sides. He picked theirs. I have a feeling its because he might be getting help financially from them. I told him he did not have to pick sides just stop playing middle man and delivering messages for them. Also lost ties with a few cousins and such. But it's a small price to pay for my happiness. I do have children and when I was pregnant for the first one I swore to my husband a few things. One that my babies didn't need to be subjected to my sides abusiveness, so I they didn't change before baby was born there would be no contact with my children. Second if I ever start acting out the way my mom did to me, I told him to take my kids and leave. I feel what you are saying about holidays and such. Even tho holidays with my family sucked so bad I do think of them. My brain sometimes tries to make me feel guilt by thinking about when they pass how will I feel. But that is the things about regret I guess... We will see what happens when that day comes.
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#29 of 34 Old 03-23-2013, 11:39 AM
 
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ConfusedAdult, I know what you mean about finding it difficult to put into words what you went through. You are very fortunate that your husband pointed out her behavior. I hope he has treated you well all these years.

I, too, have my stories of crap treatment. Achievements trashed. Her attempts to get me to swap my healthy habits for poor ones (like dieting when I was thin).

I have given myself permission to reject guilt about not visiting. It is simply not healthy for me to visit my mother. It is not good for my son. She does not understand, but that is not my problem. I call her occasionally, though she never calls me, and the calls are all the same. She talks about her life and her difficulties, and when I try to talk about my difficulties, she ends the call. Relationships with our parents can be tricky.
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#30 of 34 Old 03-28-2013, 11:25 PM
 
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I came across all the post regarding a toxic mother. I have had a very toxic relationship with my own mother and do not know how to deal with her except to cut all ties. Everyone tells me "but that's your mother" but I do not believe that I should be abused because she is my mother. My dad is absolutely no help as his response to everything is "you know how your mother is or just say your sorry to make her happy".

It had been over a year since we've spoken last. Before that 3 year's. The last time we spoke was at her mother's funeral. I asked my mom if she wanted a relationship and she said NO!

She says one thing to me but another to other family members so they see her in a good light. I hate to be done with her because she is my mom and I love her but I am firm believer that no matter what role a person plays in your life, you do not deserve to be abused.
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