My abusive ex is stalking me, how to deal? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 05:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Long story short, we have been divorced over a year and he moved away abruptly overseas. He lives 5000 miles away. He is still stalkingme. Even on here.. He yesterday emailed my new husband and sent several copy/pastes of threads I have wrote on here. He made a fake myspace page of my husband with my husbands picture and gave out our phone number to random women to call for a good time, ladies were phoning my house. It was insane. We laugh it off and ignore him, but seriously it is getting old. I mean, how long is someone this crazy? He was very abusive to me and is still trying to mentally abuse me. Like I said, I have been putting up with this for over a year, but its really tiring. I have tried to report him, etc for these internet things but nothng ever happens. I guess the best thing is to continue to ignore him. I have already had to change my username on here once but he found me. I guess I am going to have to make a whole new account on here now. Sigh. Its absolutely ridiculous. And I am sure he is reading this post right now.nod.gif


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#2 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 07:16 AM
 
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*HUGS* 

 

My ex-BF stalked me for well over a year.... I had to get a new job, apartment, etc. & keep my internet presence completely anonymous so he couldn't track me (in fact, I still stay anonymous online even now, years later, guess I'm paranoid...) Luckily I had support via a restraining order, he was arrested several times for violating it, but I don't think something like that would work if your ex lives overseas (??not sure??)

 

All I can say is, change your phone #, email, usernames, etc. (and passwords, house locks, etc. if you think he could use them). Do whatever you can to make yourself 'drop off the face of the earth' so he can't track you. It stinks to have to do all that but if you are worried about your safety, take every precaution you need to. 


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#3 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 09:53 AM
 
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Strong Mama,

I just want to say hang in there. 

 

I consulted with a therapist about my stalker-ex and she says it takes about 5 to 10 years. 

 

Depends how long the relationship is and how obsessive your ex is. 

 

There is no hard and fast rule though.  I'm about a year and a half out and tho I changed my name, have moved like 5 x he has found out my new name. It is so frustrating to work so hard and be found again. 

 

I wish you all the luck in the world.  Stay strong and safe.

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#4 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 10:04 AM
 
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OP I think you're absolutely right to be concerned.  And honestly, I'm a little worried that you sound less concerned than you should be.  It's amazing and wonderful that you were able to leave an abusive situation and find a new, great husband (from your description), but maybe you should do more to keep your ex away?

 

For instance, why does your ex even have your new husband's email?  How did he get a photo of your husband in order to make that fake facebook page?  

 

Even though I understand that no one should have to live with a crazy ex stalking them and wasting your time by doing all this obnoxious stuff, it sounds like you guys are making it easier than you need to for him to do it.  I totally agree with PP that you should change all your info (email addys, phone #s, and yes house locks if there's any way he has access) and un-list yourselves from phone books, etc.

 

Then think about what info you have online about you - you should be crazy careful about what you post about you and your family on facebook or anywhere online.  Facebook is a stalker's dream because people are so open about what they put on it.  Frankly, for me, if I were in your situation, I wouldn't even want to post nice friendly updates about my family, no matter how harmless they may seem.  If he's obsessed from that far away, giving him access to how happy you are without him will probably just stoke that fire and let's not forget he can probably get back to the states if he's crazy enough. 

 

The best way to get rid of stalkers is to completely minimize (or erase entirely) how much access they have to info about you or contact with you, and alert all who need to be careful to what the situation is.  Even if he's overseas, if you have kids (either with him or your new husband) you should let daycare, you and your husband's workplaces, and everyone else know who he is, show  a pic, and explain that under no circumstances should he be  allowed in and they should call you immediately if he shows up.

 

Only you know how bad the abuse actually was, but if it was bad and he's that crazy, his current behavior is much more serious than "tiring and something you can laugh off and ignore".  And to answer your question "How long is someone that crazy?"  I worked with domestic violence for years and I can tell you that in my experience, the craziness just gets worse.  Always, unless it's a rare rare situation where they seek help on their own.  Unless you know he's looking to help himself with his issues and is getting better, you should assume he's just gonna get worse and act accordingly.  That way, worse case scenario: you're as prepared as you can be.  Best case scenario (he stops stalking you and isn't concerned with you anymore) then you took steps to prepare and don't need them.

 

But getting caught totally unprepared is not good in stalking/domestic violence situations.

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#5 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 10:12 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Labbemama View Post

Strong Mama,

I just want to say hang in there. 

 

I consulted with a therapist about my stalker-ex and she says it takes about 5 to 10 years. 

 

Depends how long the relationship is and how obsessive your ex is. 

 

There is no hard and fast rule though.  I'm about a year and a half out and tho I changed my name, have moved like 5 x he has found out my new name. It is so frustrating to work so hard and be found again. 

 

I wish you all the luck in the world.  Stay strong and safe.



 

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#6 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 11:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I say laugh it off and its tiring because he is not worth obsessing over. But I have thought about scarier situations. He did live here, and he got pics from an old facebooks we had, emails off of there, phone numbers can be googled, etc. We got rid of myspaces, facebooks, etc a year ago. My hubby kept his old email because he refused to be bullied and he was in college and all his teachers, etc had the emails already. We are not going to live in fear, its ridiculous. I lived in fear of this man for 6 years and am not going to live in fear of him the rest of my life. I just thought he would have moved on by now. Apparently even though I was the worst wife in the whole world, he cannot get over me. I just dont understand it. I guess I never will.


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#7 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 11:11 AM
 
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I remember you from when you used T. as your username, and I can't say that I am surprised your ex is stalking you. :( Your small son lives with him, right? I guess that a certain amount of contact is unfortunately necessary for the sake of keeping in touch with your son, but do try to minimize how much information you make available to the 'broad public' on the internet. If he knows about this account on MDC, you should probably start afresh here, yes.

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#8 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 11:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It wasnt transformed but close enough lol. Yes he does live with him, unfortunately. Keeping in touch with my son does not happen. This is another story in itself which I do not want to get into on here. I am focusing on the stalking. He has done enough damage without the added extra stalking. I am surprised you remember me magster. Thats very unusual.


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#9 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 11:42 AM
 
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Magster - please edit that post.  You just gave her stalker her new username.

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#10 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 01:42 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

Magster - please edit that post.  You just gave her stalker her new username.



Just did - although I actually used a wrong username as strong mama's former username, and even though she already stated herself that her ex knows who she is here on mdc, in both the present and past incarnation. Anyhow, it's now edited out of my post, I don't want to cause any further grief for anyone.

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#11 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 04:35 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Strong Mama View Post

I say laugh it off and its tiring because he is not worth obsessing over. But I have thought about scarier situations. He did live here, and he got pics from an old facebooks we had, emails off of there, phone numbers can be googled, etc. We got rid of myspaces, facebooks, etc a year ago. My hubby kept his old email because he refused to be bullied and he was in college and all his teachers, etc had the emails already. We are not going to live in fear, its ridiculous. I lived in fear of this man for 6 years and am not going to live in fear of him the rest of my life. I just thought he would have moved on by now. Apparently even though I was the worst wife in the whole world, he cannot get over me. I just dont understand it. I guess I never will.


I truly hope you don't end up living in fear the rest of your life as well.  But I'd hate to see you weigh too much on the side of "I'm not gonna let this control my life" to the point that you seriously underestimate (and therefore under-protect yourself and your family) just how long and how seriously someone can stay obsessed - *especially* after a breakup.  That's all I was getting at, but of course I'd hope you could enjoy your life without that daily fear and scariness.
 

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#12 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 04:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I truly hope you don't end up living in fear the rest of your life as well.  But I'd hate to see you weigh too much on the side of "I'm not gonna let this control my life" to the point that you seriously underestimate (and therefore under-protect yourself and your family) just how long and how seriously someone can stay obsessed - *especially* after a breakup.  That's all I was getting at, but of course I'd hope you could enjoy your life without that daily fear and scariness.
 

 

Of course, I see your point. I haven't really underestimated anything, thats why I was on here seeking support from maybe others who (unfortunately) have gone through the same thing, to see how long someone can remain delusional. I worked in mental health for a very long time and am certainly aware of dangers, but at the same time do not want to be paranoid looking over my shoulder forever either. Thank you for your advice!


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#13 of 14 Old 12-13-2010, 08:20 PM
 
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I wish you much....peace and success.  He sounds quite.....help needing to say the least.


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#14 of 14 Old 12-14-2010, 08:27 AM
 
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My mom's abusive ex found me in college. She left him when I was 15, and I was 21 when he showed up one day. I know that my mother changed her phone number a couple of times after that because he found it. So, yes, it can take a LONG time for these people to stop. I still panic when I see someone who looks like him or who has some gesture that reminds me of him, and it's been 9 years since I last saw him. 

 

I would consider going offline completely for a while. I get your husband's view, and I think that "he won't scare me" view is common. At the same time, it's gotten many women killed. Being indignant about the danger isn't going to protect you. Even if he lives elsewhere, you won't know if he decides to hop on a plane for a visit to the US, right? Even if he's not supposed to be in the country, there are ways to make that happen. Please be careful.


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