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#31 of 54 Old 12-17-2010, 07:09 AM
 
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I am agreeing with this.  I don't think your dh has been caring and the kids have been eating what ever. 

 

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Originally Posted by thefreckledmama View Post

After reading all the replies and updates, I'm inclined to believe that your husband has been allowing your sons to eat "whatever" when they're at your ILs without you.  This is then making you seem the crazy neurotic parent when you're there and restrict foods they are allowed at other times.  I run into the same issues with my husband and Inlaws in regards to what I restrict, what my husband allows, and the mixed messages and inconsistency my inlaws see.  This is an issue that you need to address with your husband, so that the "rules" about what the boys are allowed to eat are crystal clear.  Then there needs to be some kind of discussion/sit down between you, your husband, and your inlaws, so that this situation can be put to rest BEFORE Christmas Eve.  

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#32 of 54 Old 12-17-2010, 07:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by thefreckledmama View Post

After reading all the replies and updates, I'm inclined to believe that your husband has been allowing your sons to eat "whatever" when they're at your ILs without you.  This is then making you seem the crazy neurotic parent when you're there and restrict foods they are allowed at other times.  I run into the same issues with my husband and Inlaws in regards to what I restrict, what my husband allows, and the mixed messages and inconsistency my inlaws see.  This is an issue that you need to address with your husband, so that the "rules" about what the boys are allowed to eat are crystal clear.  Then there needs to be some kind of discussion/sit down between you, your husband, and your inlaws, so that this situation can be put to rest BEFORE Christmas Eve.  

This. You need to have a serious, major talk with DH about presenting a united front to the ILs  and then meet up with them to clear the air, and you and DH together thoroughly educate them about exactly what a gluten allergy/sensitivity means and that just because the kids aren't going anaphylactic at their house that doesn't mean it's not harmful, explain that it's not a fad or a diet and what the effects are when you and the kids are exposed to gluten, clarify what's been going on, and talk about the plan moving forward from here (that plan being that your kids are given NO GLUTEN and DH doesn't eat it when he's over there either, and possibly bringing your own food to family dinners).
 

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#33 of 54 Old 12-17-2010, 10:32 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lynsage View Post
...explain that it's not a fad or a diet...

 


I agree that the OP and her DH need to present a united front and that they need to explain the above, but even if it were just a dietary choice, that should be respected! If they were "just" vegetarians, it'd be rude to roll eyes and sneak the kids meat when the mom wasn't around. I have friends who have preferences regarding what their kids eat, and those preferences aren't based on allergies, or intolerances, or horrible behavioral consequences, they're just simple preferences. And I totally cater to them -- why on earth would I take it personally that they've made different dietary choices than I have?

 

I know some people have strong feelings about food, and for something like a holiday dinner people put a lot of work into it and some people get their feelings hurt if people don't eat/like what they've made. But when guests' dietary needs/preferences have been made clear ahead of time and a host chooses to serve that food anyway, it's the host's own problem if they get their feelings hurt. 


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#34 of 54 Old 12-17-2010, 11:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by limabean View Post



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Originally Posted by lynsage View Post
...explain that it's not a fad or a diet...

 


I agree that the OP and her DH need to present a united front and that they need to explain the above, but even if it were just a dietary choice, that should be respected! If they were "just" vegetarians, it'd be rude to roll eyes and sneak the kids meat when the mom wasn't around. I have friends who have preferences regarding what their kids eat, and those preferences aren't based on allergies, or intolerances, or horrible behavioral consequences, they're just simple preferences. And I totally cater to them -- why on earth would I take it personally that they've made different dietary choices than I have?

 

I know some people have strong feelings about food, and for something like a holiday dinner people put a lot of work into it and some people get their feelings hurt if people don't eat/like what they've made. But when guests' dietary needs/preferences have been made clear ahead of time and a host chooses to serve that food anyway, it's the host's own problem if they get their feelings hurt. 

Oh, I completely agree with you, but in this case it looks like part of where the ILs' disrepect is stemming from is a belief that the gluten allergy is not real and that mistaken belief needs to be dealt with as part of the overall package. If the OP was a vegetarian or  whatever I would just advise that she and DH should present a united front in telling the ILs to respect their choice. It just seems to me that apart from FIL having some obvious issues with how he treats people in general, that the ILs are confused and probably don't believe the OP about the gluten because they're seeing different behavior from the DH and kids when she's not around to monitor what they're eating and it's feeding into their lack of respect for the need to offer gluten-free choices.
 

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#35 of 54 Old 12-17-2010, 11:04 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lynsage View Post
Oh, I completely agree with you, but in this case it looks like part of where the ILs' disrepect is stemming from is a belief that the gluten allergy is not real and that mistaken belief needs to be dealt with as part of the overall package. If the OP was a vegetarian or  whatever I would just advise that she and DH should present a united front in telling the ILs to respect their choice. It just seems to me that apart from FIL having some obvious issues with how he treats people in general, that the ILs are confused and probably don't believe the OP about the gluten because they're seeing different behavior from the DH and kids when she's not around to monitor what they're eating and it's feeding into their lack of respect for the need to offer gluten-free choices.

 


I completely agree with you too! I just reread my post, and it totally looked like the whole thing was a rant to you -- I'm sorry! I just used that tiny snippet of your post as a jumping-off point. 


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#36 of 54 Old 12-20-2010, 08:56 PM
 
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This is an issue between you and DH, frankly.

 

Actually, now that I think about it, I believe that its solely DH's issue.

 

He sounds like a classic "pleaser."  In your home, he goes along with you and your preferences in terms of diets, allergens, etc and tells you what you want to hear.  I would be willing to bet that at your ILs home, when they roll their eyes at your issues he goes along with their doubt and tells THEM what they want to hear, and lets your kids eat what your ILs want them to eat.

 

He is just trying to keep the peace and keep everybody happy and avoid confrontation.  So that leaves you thinking that the two of you are on the same page, and I would bet that your ILs think he agrees with them that your food issues are just made up.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would push this issue with DH hard.  What does he truly believe in his heart of hearts?  Does he believe you that these food issues are real, or does he agree with your parents that you are overreacting and this is just a fad?  Then I would INSIST that his actions line up with what he says he believes.  And I would call him on it EVERY SINGLE TIME he doesn't "walk the talk."

 

 

If DH believes his parents are correct and food intolerances are not an issue in your family, then he needs to own that and have it out with you.

If DH believes that you are correct in how you are handling your kids' food, then he needs to have your back with his family every single time.

In short, he needs to seriously man up.

 

 

I don't think you should force an apology from your FIL, and I don't think you should waste your time trying to convince the ILs of the validity of your choices.  They don't get a vote in how you feed your family.  If you try to get them "on board" and convince them, you are inviting them to argue back.  Don't waste your time.  You and DH should decide what is best, then case closed.

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#37 of 54 Old 12-21-2010, 02:58 AM
 
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Everyone has been very quick to slam on the FIL, but from his point of view, his son brings the kids over regularly and they do not have a special diet.  Then you come with him, and take away the food that his wife has worked hard to prepare stating that neither you or your son could eat it.  I think he took it as an insult to his wife's cooking.  I am not saying that he was in the right, but the situation looks very different from the other side.

 

I also have multiple food allegies & intolerances.  SOme are immediate actions that land me in the hospital, and other will just leave me cramping on the potty a few hours later.  None of my ILs follow my diet, so I will always call if we are sharing a meal and make sure there is something I can eat.  Over the years (we have been married for 11, together for 16), they have gotten better about making sure there was something I could eat.

 

My sis is also gluten & lacto free, so when she comes to stay she brings some gluten free things with her (I am lacto free too, so not a problem).  I do go out of my way to make sure she has food to eat, but we grew up with each other' s food intolerances.

 

Both of us have problems with people who only see milk & cheese as dairy, but forget about the stick of butter thay put in the food.  Most people would not think of soy sauce as a gluten, so it might not have been intentional.

 

I think you need to talk about the diet with your DH.  I would also suggest having a one on one talk with your MIL.  Explain the diet, what happens when either of you are exposed t gluten, and why it is dangerous to have just a little or once in a while.  Hopefully, she will be more considerate when your children are over.


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#38 of 54 Old 12-21-2010, 07:26 AM
 
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You aren't going to get an apology so I'd reassess that demand.  I don't know anyone who would call someone else up to apologize by having it demanded like that.  Guys, especially, don't do that. That could be why your dh made plans to go over there Christmas Eve.  He knows the best way back to usual is to pretend nothing happened.  Of course you don't quite have "usual" as a goal.  But perhaps dh talking to MIL and MIL talking to FIL will get results.  And maybe you can figure out a better way to decline food, possibly calling MIL in advance, to ask after the food plan so you can bring any gluten free ingredients or side dishes to help out.


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#39 of 54 Old 12-21-2010, 09:27 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Latte Mama View Post

You are NOT wrong at all.  We teach people how to treat us and by allowing FIL to continue this abuse, you are showing your kids this is ok.  Not cool.  So no, I would not go over there and would not let my kids go there without me.  FIL needs to know you mean business.  This would be a hill to die on for me. 

 

If FIL has been getting away with this behavior, he has no incentive to change.  Your DH needs to support you on this and it's disheartening that he is excusing his father's behavior.


yeahthat.gif So exactly what I was thinking. You teach people how to treat you. This one is a teachable moment. FIL either will get it or he wouldn't be seeing me or the kids. He can't disinvite you and then expect to see your kids.

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#40 of 54 Old 12-21-2010, 11:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

The first mistake he made was making plans for your family with his MOM instead of his WIFE.



 This. It sounds like when your husband feels he has to choose between his parents and his wife, the parents win. My guess is this is the kind of attitude his father had towards him as a child growing up. I can relate. I also came from a household of "sit down, shut up, and do exactly what we tell you to do or else..." It's taken a lot to break away from that, the breaking point was my father grabbing and shaking my younger DS a few years ago. Anyway, short story long, yes your FIL is a big problem, but your DH is an even bigger one. He needs to learn how to work with you as a cohesive parenting unit for your children, he needs to learn how to respect your decisions as his wife, and he needs to learn how to stand up to his father and be the man in HIS family. Me thinks that perhaps some marriage counseling is in order to try and solve this one. And FWIW, my kids would not go anywhere near this house without me, as I don't believe that your DH is capable at this point of insisting that the gluten free diet is followed when you aren't there. Your DH's agenda is about not making waves, rather than doing the right thing. Until he can switch agendas, your kids need to be supervised over there by you. If FIL doesn't want you over there, then the kids don't go either.


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#41 of 54 Old 12-21-2010, 05:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So DH just announced that he's taking the kids to his parents' house tomorrow. Um, WHAT? I kind of blew up at him. The thing is we just talked about this (briefly) earlier today and I made it clear that I expect some kind of acknowledgement of FIL's behavior, or better yet an actual apology, before we go over there for Christmas. So he comes home from taking the kids out for a bit and drops this bomb? I do not understand how we can talk about something and just hours later it's like he heard exactly the opposite of what I said. He says the point of going over there is to talk to his parents. Um, then why on earth would you bring the kids for that? The kids do want to see their grandmother, but she's perfectly welcome to come over here anytime and I've also made that clear. 

 

Sigh... I just do not know what to do. I'm so angry right now.

 

(ETA to address some of the responses and clarify... I know an apology will be like squeezing blood from a stone, but I need for someone to at least acknowledge that my feelings are valid and that FIL was way out of line.)


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#42 of 54 Old 12-21-2010, 05:20 PM
 
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I don't blame you mama. He'd seriously be in the doghouse with me if I were in your shoes. I guess in the end you need to decide if this is going to be your "hill to die on". It would be for me but I'm not in that situation. If it is going to be your hill, then you need to pull aside your DH tonight and let him know under no uncertain terms that he will NOT be taking the kids over there until this issue is resolved. Taking them over while he is going to "talk" with them about this is not ok. At best the topic will be resolved after a heated conversation, at worst, he's going to cave and the kids will eat more things they are not supposed to and your IL's get rewarded for their bad behavior. Neither one is a situation you really want your kids to be in, KWIM? I don't envy you, you've been placed in a really tough situation, but FWIW, I don't think you are overreacting at all. What's going on is totally not okay and your DH needs to man up and support his wife and ensure his kids stay healthy.


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#43 of 54 Old 12-21-2010, 06:30 PM
 
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(((HUG)))

 

If I were you, which I'm not, but if I were...

 

I would not allow my children to go over there without me. AND Dh has to talk to them alone, I don't think its appropriate to have a conversation like the one he should be having with the kids around as a real conversation won't be able to happen.

 

Going over without you just gives MIL and FIL what they wanted, dismisses all of your feelings and rights as a parent.

 

I am so sorry. I was really really lucky Dh stood by me.


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#44 of 54 Old 12-21-2010, 06:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks to everyone for your responses. I'm really feeling like this is the hill. I've put up with so much over the years and I'm just done, this is the final straw, this time it was my children's health at risk and a personal attack was directed at me and I will not budge.

 

DH is definitely not taking the kids over there tomorrow. No way, no how will I let that happen. I seriously don't know what he's thinking sometimes except that I'm sure he called his mom to talk and she suggested bringing the kids and he just went along with it like he always does. 


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#45 of 54 Old 12-21-2010, 10:17 PM
 
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Get a copy of Toxic In-Laws by Dr. Susan Forward right away!  Someone posted this earlier, and I just wanted to second the recommendation.  Seriously good book!


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#46 of 54 Old 12-22-2010, 06:22 AM
 
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I do not understand how we can talk about something and just hours later it's like he heard exactly the opposite of what I said.  

 

I suspect it's more of the same. He's hearing you (and his parents) just fine, but he has no backbone. Once again he is just telling everybody what they want to hear. And when there was a conflict, he chose his parents because he is more afraid of them than you. Who knows if he already committed to bringing the kids over when he talked to you; if he did, he probably had to get up the guts to tell you that. Probably no accident that he got up the guts when he went out for a while - having that space gives him a chance to mentally practice. Ask me how I know. No, I was never so bad, but I used to be so unconfrontational that I would have to work myself up to something, or practice it in my head.

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#47 of 54 Old 12-24-2010, 03:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow. Dh finally talked to MIL last night and I got an email today with an apology from FIL.

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#48 of 54 Old 12-24-2010, 04:09 PM
 
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Shenanigans.  MIL totally sent it so there would be "peace"

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Wow. Dh finally talked to MIL last night and I got an email today with an apology from FIL.


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#49 of 54 Old 12-24-2010, 04:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That was my first thought but MIL really has no idea how to use email...

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#50 of 54 Old 12-24-2010, 05:58 PM
 
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Interesting. So do you think this means they are going to respect your dietary needs now? Are you all going to go over there tomorrow for the holiday?


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#51 of 54 Old 12-24-2010, 11:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yep the plan is to have dinner there tomorrow. MIL and BIL have been calling us to check on every ingredient so it seems they're finally really taking this seriously.

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#52 of 54 Old 12-29-2010, 07:51 AM
 
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How did it go?


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#53 of 54 Old 12-29-2010, 09:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It actually went pretty well. I sort of inadvertently avoided FIL for the first 45 min or so that we were there, but he was very nice the whole time. Dinner was great, MIL really took care to make it gluten-free, and even baked gf cookies for the kids. The kids were overtired and overstimulated from the day's activities (Santa, then a few hours with my huge family, then the IL's) so we made it an early night.


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#54 of 54 Old 12-31-2010, 11:59 AM
 
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Whew. I'm so happy to hear this was resolved - WW3 averted! love.gif


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