Dealing with my Mother (long and rant-y) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 3 Old 12-22-2010, 07:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This may be a little rant-like, fair warning!

 

I am having some issues with my own mother. As a little background: my parents divorced when I was 4, my younger brother and I had split our time equally between Mom and Dad, 2 weeks each, then later 3 weeks. Each parent remarried and had more kids, plus there's a stepbrother, but no serious sibling rivalry. I am the eldest, and try to be a good influence/roll-model for the youngest 4 sibs (all teens).  Mom and I used to be close, until I was 19, got my first serious boyfriend, and then our relationship began to deteriorate, because she resented him and the time I spent with him. I felt like she needed to let me live a little, I ended up moving out to my dad's (and not long after left home for good). I have always lived within driving distance of home, and see my parents frequently but especially mom. She lives, and has lived with my grandparents since divorcing my dad (excepting a brief 9mo interlude in which we lived with my ex-stepfather, who was an abusive drunk, but that's an entirely different story!!). For most of my childhood she was not steadily employed, but in my teens she did have a full time job for several years; she was fired and that has caused a bitterness that just won't go away. She has lost several job interviews when she starts ranting about how "unfairly" she was treated at this previous job (for a very well known mortgage company), and is well aware that her own actions have cost her jobs.  

 

In the last few years a rift has grown between my uncle (her brother) and the rest of the family because he disapproves of her living situation - living off my grandparents, who, for the record, support her in large part because of the kids (twins, age 16), and previously to support my brother and I. They had always feared if they had not supported her my father would have won full custody, and they honestly wanted us to have a better life than she could have provided. I'm very grateful for everything they've done for me and the family, it's because of them that I had a very nice happy childhood, had nice clothes and a big backyard to play in, went on vacations, all of that. While I don't agree with my uncle's attitude (because I believe my grandparents are fully aware of the situation and have made the conscious decision to continue to support her, and frankly, that's their choice to make and none of our business) I can understand it, because my mother is so UNgrateful of everything.

 

She has a serious attitude of entitlement, and thinks she deserves to be taken care of, and treated like a princess. We took a family vacation to Hawaii 2 summers ago (all on my grandpa's dime), she goes camping and takes trips all summer long, she has season passes to Disneyland, yet all she does is bitch and moan about how tough her life is. She is diabetic, seriously overweight, and angry about almost everything in her life. She is working her first full time job in almost 6 years; she had the opportunity to take jobs at several different companies during this 6 year unemployment stint, yet she refused because she wanted a job in the school district. She refused to go to the next town over because she doesn't want to work with "all the Mexicans" (did I mention she's a little bit racist too?) All she does is COMPLAIN about how she never gets anything (which is NOT true) and no one ever brings her anywhere (also NOT true) and she'll never have a good man because she only ever falls for alcoholics (NOT TRUE! My dad is not an alcoholic and never has been!!) She has terrible health, doesn't do anything to change. Her doctor has repeatedly warned her about her diet, she has a fatty liver, and she used to be a chain smoker. When I talk to her about it (as a health care practitioner in training, and as a concerned child), she acts like she has a death wish. She has told me she wants to just die early and quickly so she doesn't get dementia like her grandmother. She has no savings at all, and expects one of her children (more specifically ME since my brother has a long term illness and the other two are way too young) to support her in her old age. Once my grandparents pass away, she will have NOTHING and it makes me incredibly angry that it is like this!

 

The whole point of this is: I'm ANGRY at her! I'm so pissed off that she just threw her life down the toilet and expects everyone to pick up the pieces and put it together for her. I'm ANGRY that I have struggled to be an independent adult and stand on my own while she expects everyone to support her. I'm ANGRY that she doesn't value her own life enough to take care of her body! And I'm ANGRY that she views me as her COMPETITION! My MOTHER acts more like a jealous older sister than a parent. I feel as if my Nannie was my real mom. I can't tell you how many times she says things like "Well, it must be nice to have friends/a husband/a job/go on vacation/etc etc" She is even worse to my younger bro & sis- she is on the verge of being verbally abusive; we've started calling her "dreamcrusher" because every time one of them expresses interest in anything she just shuts it down with her negativity. She doesn't have the nerve to say it to my face, but every parenting decision I've made she just rips apart when I'm gone (my sister has informed me). She mocks her children in public, she has told casual acquaintances that I am not as great as I think I am (WHAT??) ... I was hoping being a mother myself would make me more understanding of "her side" ... but it just makes me more angry. I would never dream of doing or saying some of the things she has done and said to my son.

 

I don't know how to be around her anymore. She is one of the most selfish, immature, bitter, and negative people I have ever met, but I love her. I can't stop seeing her, because I care about my siblings and my grandparents too much.

 

Blah. Sorry this is so long; I could go on but I have to stop. It was kind of cathartic though.


Mama to my sweet boy O  age 4; baby girl lost at 13 wks, July '14 ~ I'm a nerdy, treehugging, polytheist lady and a professional herbalist.   Three candles that illume every darkness: Truth, Nature, Knowledge. - Triads of Ireland 
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#2 of 3 Old 12-23-2010, 11:32 AM
 
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Hi there. You sound like a lovely and well adjusted person. Isn't it wonderful that you have such wonderful grandparents? Your mom can expect whatever she wants but the reality of what the situation is are two different things.

 

Are your younger sister and brother in therapy or alnon? It may not be a bad idea. I also want to recommend you read the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Another MDC poster recommended the book to me and I just started reading it this week. It's really put a lot of things in perspective for me about the unloving mother I have. Your situation is similar to that of one in the book. Please purchase it or get it from your local library.

 

Sending you many hugs mama!

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#3 of 3 Old 12-23-2010, 11:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your kind response! :)

 

I am so very grateful for my grandparents; I am close to both of them, and I'm glad they are still in good health so there is a very good chance my son will get to know them too. I had honestly never thought about AlAnon for my brother and sister. Their dad hasn't been in their life for the last three years (which is painful for them), and I know they might welcome a forum to talk about those feelings. It's been difficult for them, and my mother doesn't encourage them reconnecting, as she likes being in control; though he is kind of a "deadbeat", never pays child support, known to have frequent relapses thought he's been in AA since divorcing my mother. 

 

Thank you for the book rec, I will check it out.

 

I'm glad to just have a safe space to vent my feelings in!


Mama to my sweet boy O  age 4; baby girl lost at 13 wks, July '14 ~ I'm a nerdy, treehugging, polytheist lady and a professional herbalist.   Three candles that illume every darkness: Truth, Nature, Knowledge. - Triads of Ireland 
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