Ever since I got sick the Monday before Christmas (Strep Throat) - I've been in a horrible cycle. I was in bed for 2.5 days straight feeling awful - got up and went to the doctor and got a script for amoxicillin. I had so much to do that week and felt like everything was going to fall apart because I was sick. I couldn't bake cookies with my girls, I couldn't even cuddle with them and watch Christmas movies because I didn't want to make them sick. After taking the amox for a day or so - I felt tons better, stayed up all night and finished my holiday decorating. My mom picked up the kids (to bake cookies with them) and I was able to finish Christmas Shopping - but they weren't with me and I wasn't baking with them and I cried the whole time.
I love the holidays and do lots of things with my girls every year and wasn't really able to do much. Christmas was fine - I stayedup all of Christmas eve and christmas day too. So my sleep schedule is off.
My husband's been working crazy hours - like until midnight or later even though his shop closes at 6 - know he's busy.
This week my girls were still on Christmas break and I nearly spent the whole week in bed again - I sleep during the day and wake up around 3 or 5 or yesterday it was 9 and make dinner, but other than that I don't do much with them. I'm up all night eating and watching TV. We did play a game the other night together and we do some Christmas crafts the week of Christmas. I feel like crap. Just crap.
I'm being a bad mom sleeping all day not doing anything with them. My house is a disaster, nothing is getting done and I have no motivation to do anything.
Every year we do a Kid's New Year's Eve party - where we have our friend's kidsover so they can all go out and do snacks and confetti and play games and everything. This year another one of our friends did that I me and DH had nothing to do - he wanted to go out - I don't have any friends to go out with, didn't wanna spend lots of money and had no where to go anyway.
I slept all day. He got home from work 4-ish and took the girls over to the kid party then came back. I was still sleeping and thought he would wake me up for dinner or to go out or whatever. Nothing. I woke up at 10 with the TV on in the living room (super loud) and he's out in his garage. I freaked out because he took the kids away from me and then left me alone on new years. I decided I would get dressed and go spend new years with my girls at the kid party. I tried to start my car and it was dead. This affected me more than it normally would because 10 years ago my ex left me on new year's all alone at home with a 1 year-old a dead phone and a car that didn't run. I left abandoned all over again. (my ex eventually took his life 2 months later)
DH didn't understand why I was upset - yelled at me about the house being a disaster and that I just sleep all day and let the kids run wild - when previously he's been telling me I do a great job and not to worry about it.
I just don't know what's wrong with me. I totally over-whelmed with everything, there's tons of things I can do (sew, craft, computer stuff, clean, organize, etc) I am not motivated to do any of it. I don't *play* with my girls like when they were little - they're 6, 8, and 12. I hate the mom I have become and hate how my life is now. I know it's not good to stay up all night, sleep all day. The other night I feel asleep at 2am and slept until 6pm. I don't if it's the amox making me feel this way or just because there's no school and we don't really have to do anything. I feel like a single mom with DH working all the time and when he's home, he just falls right asleep. Sleep, TV, and food are my drugs, DH's is marijuana - he smokes every day and comes home and passes out - drives me mad. The other night - he choose it over me and always falls asleep outside in his garage after smoking.
I think I'm mainly posting here to vent and get it out - I know it seems like I'm crazy - i probably am - I know I'm not perfect, but I want to be a good mom. I miss the good ole days when my babies needed me, they're not babies anymore and I'm not having anymore and I miss the mom I was - I was such a good mom to babies and toddlers and I am grieving the babies I'm not going to have - I so wanted a big family - lots of babies. I don't know what to do. So I just sit here and watch TV and eat and cry. New Year's Sucks and I'm alone.
You sound depressed. Not "blue" or "in a funk." Clinically depressed. You should talk to your doctor or a counselor.
Stuff that helped me:
a self-group (mine was AA), a regular exercise schedule, anti-depressants, reading about rational-emotive therapy techniques
It sounds like it's been a rough few weeks. Were things ok before that? Being sick and out of sorts doesn't make you a bad mom. We all go through liitle funks. Try making a list of what went well this holiday and focus on those things, rather then on what wasn't perfect.
Next, check in with your own health. You might need to go back to the doctor, ESP. If you didn't finish all your antibiotics. If you eating has been different during the holiday, start really hydrating yourself with either lots of water or herbal tea.
On the house front, your kids are old enough to help. Use a timer and give every kid a job, and then after 15 minutes give every one a different job. In1 hour your home will look a million times better( not perfect, just better) then do something fun but simple with your girls, like a board game. And just be in the moment with them. Let everything else go.
but everything has pros and cons
Thanks ladies. Things are better - I think it was just the expectation of "New Year's Eve" that got to me! New Year's Day DH and I went out to eat and then picked up the kids and cruised the mall. Had a good day. I'm back on a regular-ish sleep schedule and the kids are back in school today. I should be able to get a few things done this morning around the house, I've got a dentist appointment this afternoon, and then the kids will help me take down the Christmas Tree.
My teenager is graining on my nerves - being a butt, disaster of a room, stealing things from me - but that's a whole different story.
I'm going to try and get involved with a small group bible study or mom's group soon - so I can have some adult converstation. On New Year's I had not been out of the house in 5 days, and with DH working so much - I hadn't really had much adult time and just felt really loney, even though my girls were here.