Do I want this marriage to work? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 01-03-2011, 02:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My dh and I have been separated for a year now.  We have been through some drama.  Some of which I have posted on this board for advice.  We have both hurt each other, mostly unintentionally. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I do not want to make this work and that a divorce is probably the answer.  Now he comes around and wants to make it work.  I have not been his wife, in my eyes, for a year now.  Even though legally we have been married.  We love each other, he is in love with me and wants to be a family again.  I do not feel a connection anymore, and the more he tries to push it, the worse it makes it for me.  I feel bad.  I feel selfish.  I feel like I should be able to make this work, that I should want to make this work.  The thing is, is that I feel like I have already mourned our marriage.  It was rough.  There was a time when I would have taken him back in a heart beat.  Now is not that time.  I don't know what to do.  I love being alone.  I love dating/seeing other people.  Is that selfish?

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#2 of 7 Old 01-03-2011, 07:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Subliime View Post

My dh and I have been separated for a year now.  We have been through some drama.  Some of which I have posted on this board for advice.  We have both hurt each other, mostly unintentionally. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I do not want to make this work and that a divorce is probably the answer.  Now he comes around and wants to make it work.  I have not been his wife, in my eyes, for a year now.  Even though legally we have been married.  We love each other, he is in love with me and wants to be a family again.  I do not feel a connection anymore, and the more he tries to push it, the worse it makes it for me.  I feel bad.  I feel selfish.  I feel like I should be able to make this work, that I should want to make this work.  The thing is, is that I feel like I have already mourned our marriage.  It was rough.  There was a time when I would have taken him back in a heart beat.  Now is not that time.  I don't know what to do.  I love being alone.  I love dating/seeing other people.  Is that selfish?



No, it's not selfish.  Do what works for you.

 


"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#3 of 7 Old 01-03-2011, 09:00 PM
 
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Do you have children together?


"To err is human, to forgive, canine." - Unknown
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#4 of 7 Old 01-03-2011, 10:17 PM
 
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Not at all. Read your OP and pretend a friend was saying it to you. What advice would you give her?


Me,yummy.gif   DS, Peace.gif and DDdust.gif Grateful to the baby I lost for sticking around long enough to teach me what I needed to know so badly  candle.gif  We  love our forest valley home, our goats and chickenschicken3.gif, and wild harvested food-medicine coolshine.gif

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#5 of 7 Old 01-04-2011, 06:14 AM
 
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I think it's just fine to tell him, "Sorry, you're too late," if that is the truth. 

 

I do think maybe it is worth considering if what you're enjoying now is just having fun, or if it's something that feels right to you. You need to do what feels right, and if continuing down the path you're currently on feels right, then do that. 

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#6 of 7 Old 01-04-2011, 10:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Being alone right now feels right. And to whoever asked, yes we have a 4yr dd together.  Anyone that I have dated recently has been for fun, although I do have feelings for those people too, being with them does not feel right either.  I just don't want to make the wrong decision now and 2 yrs later look at what could have been with regret. 

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#7 of 7 Old 01-04-2011, 10:41 AM
 
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I stayed for a couple of years in an on again off again "wanting to work things out" from my partner.  I wish I would have gone with my original gut feeling that, as sad as it is, the relationship had run it's course and we both would be more fulfilled at the end of our lives if we moved on.  My ex had cheated so it's a different story totally, but if my feelings had changed for any other reason I would also consider leaving.  Once it's gone, it's hard to get back the same feelings.  As far as staying for the kids, personally I would not recommend it, for many reasons.  This is all my opinion here - I'd rather raise my child with two loving and attentive parents, each living full and happy lives even separately, than to raise a child with the example of having to struggle so hard and try to make things work and for the child to witness probable fighting and sense upset, etc.  If you'd said you still have some feelings, I'd reply much differently, but it sounds like you've realized some things that go beyond who you were within your relationship with your dd's dad.  I'd focus on making things as positive and open and loving as possible with your child and your ex, while making your own life free and happy and open to moving on to the future.


"When the external begins to define the internal, instead of the internal defining the external, one begins living as a mortal rather than as a universal being." ~ unknown
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