Considering terminating my pregnancy, and not sure how to make the right decision. - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 69 Old 01-20-2011, 04:36 PM
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I didn't have a chance to read the entire thread so apologies if this has already been mentioned...

Another variable to consider might be how the pregnancy (with or without adoption) could affect your relationship with your daughter. Could it produce even more difficult feelings for you and her? Or could it be something you both bond over?

I work in foster care and, fwiw, want to praise you for putting so much thought and care into such an important decision. Hugs to you, mama! It sounds like you are doing the best you know how which is the most you should ask of yourself.
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#62 of 69 Old 01-21-2011, 08:26 AM
 
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I just wanted to send you hugs and strength, and share my own story with you. I have never shared this on MDC before, or with anyone I know in real life, really. A decade ago, I got pregnant. It was not planned, and it was an impossible situation for so, so many reasons. Though I really wanted the child, it was just totally impossible. I don't feel like going into details for privacy reasons, but believe me that a child would have been really, terribly difficult. I decided that I had to get an abortion. I went to the clinic, just like you. It was horrible. Seedy clinic, just like with you. I was 7 weeks pregnant, and the doctor told me to take my clothes off, which I did. Then, I started crying, and couldn't stop. I simply could not go through with it, so I didn't. I put my clothes back on and left. I miscarried soon after, but I am still enormously thankful that coping with an abortion is not on my reasonably long list of traumas. And I sometimes wonder if all that stress contributed to the miscarriage. I understand what you are going through, and I just wanted to send you love and hugs.


I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
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#63 of 69 Old 01-21-2011, 09:33 AM
 
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#64 of 69 Old 01-21-2011, 03:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well the shock from Wednesday seems to have finally worn off.  My daughter also has mental illness, so I've been busy dealing with her and haven't had time to think about this pregnancy and what to do about it.  I will be 12 weeks on Feb 6th and that seems really soon.  I still know and agree with all the reasons that I shouldn't go through with this.  Logically abortion really seems like the right thing to do for so many reasons.  But I am just so scared about it for some reason this time.  I just can't seem to go through with it, even though I want to.  So my lack of ability to make a decision seems to be making the decision for me.  

 

So it's looking like I plan to parent.  I always have adoption as a back up plan though.  I doubt either of the couples I placed with before want more babies (they both have lots of kids already), but if it comes to that I will check with them.  I guess there is a long time now to get everything straightened out. 

 

It's amazing how things have changed in just one week.  Thanks for all the kind words and words of wisdom/encouragement.


Melaya (29) - Mom to Z (9) and soon to be I (due Nov 2013) stork-boy.gif

Birth mom to M (7), O (5), & C (2). winner.jpgnovaxnoIRC.giftriadadopt.jpg

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#65 of 69 Old 01-21-2011, 04:37 PM
 
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I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation.  I hope you can get the help you need for everything you are dealing with.

 

The dad is also still a parenting option.   He may not want to do it but at the end of the day no one can force you to parent.  he can either take the baby or sign the papers.  

 

I also wanted to encourage you in your relationship with your dd.  We do not have to be perfect parents or even really good ones.  MDC sets a high bar and I makes it seem as if there are all the spectacular super parents running around.  The truth is we are all human.  And some of us are not perfect parents or even very good ones.  I am not.  I had it all. I was a stay at home homeschooling mom, blah blah until my husband started cheating on me.  Then I stayed with a cheating abuser for 6 years while going crazy (until the child I was pregnant with started school)  and then threw him out before i freaking killed myself.  Things are getting better but my kids have lice but i sent them to school anyway because I had to work because I suck and thats all I can do is send them off somewhere or leave them to fend for themselves while I work and work and work.  I feel like I am letting them down at every turn.  But you know what.  I am who they got stuck with and their life does not totally suck.  I am not the worlds worst mom.  Some days I still doubt weather or not I am cut out for this but they will live.   God put them in my care for some reason.  And I am a better choice than their dad LOL  I am sure some days they pine away for a normal, more mentally sound mom but I know they love me and I love them like crazy (even if I have to force myself).  Do you beat your dd?  is she misreable?  She looks pretty happy in that picture.  Keep doing your best, whatever that is.  It really is good enough.  It is good enough for her and it will be good enough for this baby.

 

You mentioned housing being a problem?  What is the dad going to do about that?  Even you and dd are crashing on his couch it is better than a homeless shelter and he owes you that much.  You are after all carrying his child.  Don't be hesitant to except help from him (concrete help like food and shelter.)  Also go directly to social services and see what new stuff you qualify for.  regardless of what you decide to do about this pregnancy tomorrow you are a mother today and where I live, children in utero count as a member of the family.  You do not have to wait for them to be born to have them count towards you qualifying for benefits.  I am not saying to milk the system or lie, but if you are entitled to benefits go get them today.


The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#66 of 69 Old 01-21-2011, 04:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Birth mom to M (7), O (5), & C (2). winner.jpgnovaxnoIRC.giftriadadopt.jpg

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#67 of 69 Old 01-21-2011, 05:15 PM
 
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Melaya, I wish you well. You deserve much happiness and peace. I think that you are a very strong person, a survivor.

 

I also think it sounds like your boyfriend has been really super this week.

 

Namaste (the divine in me greets the divine in you),

 

Linda


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#68 of 69 Old 01-21-2011, 06:28 PM
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I have removed several posts from this thread.  While conversations of this nature tend to engender strong feelings, I implore everyone to really read carefully prior to posting. Something that might come across okay in person, may read very differently in an online forum.

 

Please offer support and opinions in a kind manner.

 

Thanks.

 


winner.jpg Adina knit.gifmama to B hearts.gif 4/06  and E baby.gif  8/13/12 (on her due date!) homebirth.jpg waterbirth.jpg

 

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#69 of 69 Old 01-21-2011, 06:50 PM
 
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I just want to send you healing thoughts. This has been a huge emotional rollercoaster, right from the beginning. You will do the best you can, and hopefully your doctors can help you figure out a way to keep your mental illness at bay during the pregnancy. (I also suffer from a few things, so I do understand.)  You have a few months to reach a decision, and either way you will do your best for this baby. You seem to have thought long and hard about this, and I trust that no matter what is said to you about your decision, you will stay strong and do what's best for you and your family.

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