Considering terminating my pregnancy, and not sure how to make the right decision. - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 10:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
CrazyCatLady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 4,734
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Melaya (29) - Mom to Z (9) and soon to be I (due Nov 2013) stork-boy.gif

Birth mom to M (7), O (5), & C (2). winner.jpgnovaxnoIRC.giftriadadopt.jpg

CrazyCatLady is offline  
#2 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 11:00 AM
 
Dmitrizmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 5,012
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

No advice, just wanted to offer hugs and support, whatever you decide. hug2.gif


My family: me jog.gif, dh geek.gif, ds reading.gif (11), dd1 hearts.gif (9), and dd2 energy.gif(3).

Tout va s'arranger à la fin. Si elle ne fonctionne pas; ce n'est pas la fin.

Dmitrizmom is offline  
#3 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 11:08 AM
 
homeschoolingmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 958
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

From your post it seems like you are more comfortable with adoption.  I commend you for putting 2 of your children up for adoption.  What strength that must take!  Your partner says he wouldn't be ok if you gave this baby up for adoption.  Is he willing to raise him/her?  I would do what is best for you and your child.  You said that your abortion in the past still makes you feel icky.  Go with your gut mama.  Do what YOU feel is best.  Not your partner.  If you do not last together he can go about his way and you are left with the feelings.  Hugs.

anjelika likes this.
homeschoolingmama is online now  
#4 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 11:14 AM
 
Stephenie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Washingtonian lost in DWF TX
Posts: 1,145
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I agree with homeschoolingmama. Is the father raising the baby possible? That seems like it may hold less guilt than either adoption or abortion. 

 

Sorry that things are so rough right now. 


Stephenie, Wife to Nick partners.gif 9/3/05 Mama to Keagan treehugger.gif autismribbon.gif 4/12/07, Eden dust.gifhomebirth.jpg3/29/09  3rdtri.gif Someone new coming in July and two angels 6/06 and 10/10. Check out my blog! blogging.jpg

 
 
 
  

Stephenie is offline  
#5 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 11:17 AM
 
Ambystoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: The Bayou
Posts: 720
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Like a PP said, I'm here for support. No one can make this decision but you. I hate that you were forced to terminate and that is affecting your choice. No one should force a woman to keep or terminate a pregnancy. 


Kara: on a journey with DH, Mama to DS 2/2010
Ambystoma is offline  
#6 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 11:18 AM
 
Lauren710's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 296
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Dmitrizmom View Post

No advice, just wanted to offer hugs and support, whatever you decide. hug2.gif



Same here hug2.gif I can understand somewhat how you must feel right now.. I found out I was pregnant 2 months after my now-DH and I met. We ended up getting married and keeping the baby, but terminating the pregnancy was definitely an option we considered when I first found out, I was just finishing my undergraduate degree and preparing to enter a PhD program. I'm so happy that we made the decisions we did, but I also think we were *really* lucky that everything has worked out for us relationship-wise, we were really still just getting to know each other even after our DD was born. My PhD program and our families have been very supportive and if I didn't have that network of people to rely on for emotional and financial support it would be much harder.

 

I wish you peace and happiness with whatever decision you make, nine weeks is still early enough that you don't have to rush into a decision in the next few days hug2.gif

Lauren710 is offline  
#7 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 11:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
CrazyCatLady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 4,734
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

He really isn't interested in parenting.  He is a 42 year old musician.  Never married, no kids, and enjoys his rock star lifestyle.  He is willing to help me with this cause he doesn't want to be a total jerk.  But we both know this baby is NOT what he wants at all. 

 

Plus I really don't trust men with single parenting anymore.  I kept my daughter because my ex-husband really wanted us to parent her.  And here I am a single mom while he is gone, hiding somewhere in CO.  Keeping the baby means accepting that I could be/will be responsible for it at some point.

 

I'm just not sure that keeping this pregnancy going is worth losing my schooling, job, home, and possibly my daughter over.  But if I end up regretting the abortion and it sends me into a deep depression, then I could lose the same stuff anyways.  I really just don't know what's right.


Melaya (29) - Mom to Z (9) and soon to be I (due Nov 2013) stork-boy.gif

Birth mom to M (7), O (5), & C (2). winner.jpgnovaxnoIRC.giftriadadopt.jpg

CrazyCatLady is offline  
#8 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 11:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
CrazyCatLady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 4,734
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

And of course I know that nobody can make the decision for me.  I struggle with decisions a lot though so any and all words of wisdom are helpful right now.  This is a very smart group of woman and I respect all your opinions so much.

 

I still don't know/can't decide if I should have kept or placed my son for adoption.  It's been two years and I still can't decide on that.  So yeah, decision making is not one of my best skills.


Melaya (29) - Mom to Z (9) and soon to be I (due Nov 2013) stork-boy.gif

Birth mom to M (7), O (5), & C (2). winner.jpgnovaxnoIRC.giftriadadopt.jpg

CrazyCatLady is offline  
#9 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 11:37 AM
rcr
 
rcr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,720
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I an sorry you are dealing with this. I don't know what advice to give you because all of the choices are so hard. I just didn't want to read and not reply hug.gif

Mom to DS 12/07 and DD 11/13, plus a bunch of chickens, dogs, and cats.

Moving past many years of infertility and always thinking of my friends in the infertility forums.

rcr is offline  
#10 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 12:28 PM
 
goodygumdrops's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,801
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I would be hesitant to go through a full pregnancy and then put the child up for adoption, considering that you already have a 6 year old girl that is going to be affected by this too.  I can't imagine what that would do to a child to know that her mother is placing her sibling up for adoption.  Even if you don't tell her the total truth, it still may be confusing.  I would go ahead and terminate the pregnancy, hands down.  Considering all that have described, don't feel any guilt what so ever.  You are a strong mother, with extenuating circumstances, and you are taking care of yourself and your babe.  


Repeat after me.....It's not your fault.  Let go of the guilt. 

 


"Breastfeeding is a robust, biologically stable activity so central to our evolutionary identity that it names the class of animals to which we belong" (Breastfeeding Atlas, Third Edition)
goodygumdrops is offline  
#11 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 12:47 PM
 
imagine21's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Sonoma County, CA
Posts: 474
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

It is OK to honor the living (you and your daughter) before you honor the potentially living (the fetus.)  You don't need to feel guilty choosing what may be best for you and your daughter.  It sounds like you are already overextended with the resources (mental and financial) that you have.  Difficult choices sometimes need to be made and your prior experience of being forced into an abortion need not cloud the choice that you and you alone need to make now.  Good luck to you.

geekgolightly and lach like this.
imagine21 is offline  
#12 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 01:11 PM
 
chaoticzenmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,957
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

What about your earlier termination still bothers you?  Maybe that will help you make a clearer decision.  I've terminated once before and it does bother me because of the "what if's"  I find comfort in that decision though because it was a decision that I made out of love and concern for my existing children.  Would the father be interested in an open adoption?  If it were between keeping the child and giving it for adoption, which choice would he choose?   There's no easy answer.  My thoughts are with you either way. 


Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

chaoticzenmom is offline  
#13 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 01:16 PM
 
LessTraveledBy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,336
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

So sorry you are in such a difficult situation right now!

 

When I was looking into adopting, I saw that at least some states had the adoptive parents pay for the living expenses of the birth mother. Sorry about the possibly very dumb question (as I am sure you know well how your state works). I am just wondering if you might be offered some support if you went that route.

 

Your daughter looks a lot like our soon to be 6 yo dd. :) I hope that you both can find peace and joy!

 


Mama to a little lady and always praying for more.
LessTraveledBy is offline  
#14 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 01:47 PM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,859
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)

I'm completely pro-choice, so I'd understand if you chose abortion, but I see in your sig where you already have "cautiously expecting someone new in August," so it seems to me that you really don't want to terminate. 

 

 

How would you feel about giving up your baby in a state that has little-to-no father's rights?  (I.e. Utah) 


"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
#15 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 01:50 PM
 
Lucy Alden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 404
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

There just is no easy solution.  Each option carries its own pain and its own reward as you already know.  Would the adoption agency(ies) you worked with before be able to provide housing, food, etc. assistance if you choose to give this child up too?  It would seem that the adoptive parents of your other two (not sure if there were adopted by one family or two) would jump at the opportunity to adopt a sibling.  At the very least you could be comforted by the fact that they (your two children) would have each other.  If the father of your baby knew the adoption would be open, would he be open to it?  I am just so sad you are in this position.  Many, many hug.gif.


lather, rinse, repeat
Lucy Alden is offline  
#16 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
CrazyCatLady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 4,734
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

All I regret about the abortion that happened in my teens is that I was bullied into it.  In the long run I don't really regret it and I'm sure it was the best thing to do.  I don't regret that abortion anymore than I do the adoptions or choosing to parent my dd.  All the choices for an unplanned pregnancy kind of suck honestly.  I have some fears about regretting it if I get an abortion this time because I am further along and have gotten very used to the idea of being pregnant now.  But my gut actually says that it's the right choice.  I so fear the potential regret later though.

 

And yes I could technically find an agency or adoptive family willing to pay for expenses if I make an adoption plan.  But I am only nine weeks along which is way earlier than most agencies or pap are even willing to consider matching with a birth mom.  Plus I don't like the feeling that I "owe" anybody anything.  And putting me up for seven months would make me feel obligated to give them my child whether I really wanted to or not in the end.  Plus the expenses are always very minimal and nowhere near how much it actually costs me to be pregnant.  So it's an option I guess.  But the dad really isn't into the adoption idea and I feel I should respect that.

 

You all have given me so much to think about.  I actually have some focus now in my deciding and am not just here freaking out anymore.  Thank you. 


Melaya (29) - Mom to Z (9) and soon to be I (due Nov 2013) stork-boy.gif

Birth mom to M (7), O (5), & C (2). winner.jpgnovaxnoIRC.giftriadadopt.jpg

CrazyCatLady is offline  
#17 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 07:33 PM
 
rainbow_mandala's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: concrete world
Posts: 923
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Oh mama this is so heartwrenching hug2.gif  I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.  At the beginning of this pregnancy, the baby's father made it clear that he felt it was best for me to get an abortion.  This was the hardest decision I've ever had to make...it shook me to my core.  I knew he wouldn't be able to be there for me and I have another child to care for, so I was scared to say the least.  My gut told me that keeping the baby was the right thing to do...so here I sit at 34 weeks along, feeling sad that the father won't be around much, but grateful for my decision.  I don't know what's right for you...I just wanted to share my story, for whatever it's worth.  You sound like a strong, intelligent woman...you'll figure out what the best decision is for everyone involved winky.gif

rainbow_mandala is offline  
#18 of 69 Old 01-17-2011, 08:19 PM
 
zinemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: from the fire roads to the interstate
Posts: 6,569
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
From your post it sounds as if your experience of adoption has given you an understanding that placing a child may not be the best choice for you. Along with a pp, I think that all the difficulties in your life, along with the fact that you won't be able to count on the father for parenting support, point toward placing your needs and realities ahead of everything. Which may mean termination. I certainly wouldn't judge you for it. I wish you peace as you make your decision.
geekgolightly likes this.
zinemama is offline  
#19 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 08:18 AM
 
Eyelet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Illinois
Posts: 708
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

hug2.gif

 

I couldn't read and not post. I'm so sorry you're in this difficult position and I wish you the best with whatever decision you make.

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by goodygumdrops View Post

I would be hesitant to go through a full pregnancy and then put the child up for adoption, considering that you already have a 6 year old girl that is going to be affected by this too.  I can't imagine what that would do to a child to know that her mother is placing her sibling up for adoption.  Even if you don't tell her the total truth, it still may be confusing.  I would go ahead and terminate the pregnancy, hands down.  Considering all that have described, don't feel any guilt what so ever.  You are a strong mother, with extenuating circumstances, and you are taking care of yourself and your babe.  


Repeat after me.....It's not your fault.  Let go of the guilt. 

 

 

I agree with this 100%. 


 

New_Natural_Mom likes this.

autismribbon.gif

Eyelet is offline  
#20 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 08:48 AM
 
ChristyMarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2,255
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I couldn't read this and not post.  (((HUGS)))

 

You are in a very difficult position and I am so sorry you are going through this.  Wishing you peace in coming to a decision.

ChristyMarie is offline  
#21 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 08:49 AM
 
Owen'nZoe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,322
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Just more hugs here. Wishing you strength as you make this difficult decision.

Owen'nZoe is offline  
#22 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 08:49 AM
 
sosurreal09's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 3,446
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

well I do not support abortion, but you are in a rough situation. I would say if you feel an abortion is what is needed, I would do it sooner than later. My SIL had one at 3 months preggo and it bothered me she didn't just do it right away....IDK maybe it's true it wouldn't feel it before 12 weeks?

 

grouphug.gif do whatever feels right for you and you're family.


 Young born-again mama and loving wife peace.gif to DH jammin.gif and SAHP to two crazy girls dust.gifwehomebirth.jpgfly-by-nursing2.gifslinggirl.giffamilybed1.gif and believe gd.giflactivist.gif  signcirc1.gif !

sosurreal09 is offline  
#23 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 09:12 AM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,672
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 67 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady View Post

I have some fears about regretting it if I get an abortion this time because I am further along and have gotten very used to the idea of being pregnant now.  But my gut actually says that it's the right choice.  I so fear the potential regret later though.


One thing you could do is write down *why* you feel abortion is the right choice and then put those thought in a safe place where you can read it again later when feelings resurface.

 

It's easy to second guess ourselves after making a decision, and sometimes we forget exactly what all the circumstances were that lead us to the choice we made.

 

I wish you peace whatever you decide to do. You deserve much happiness.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#24 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 09:24 AM
pjs
 
pjs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,595
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

I find it interesting that the dad doesn't think "he could do it" as far as adoption goes, but has no qualms about aborting. He is not interested in sharing the responsibility of parenting with you, so why should he share in the decision? It sounds to me like he is totally thinking of how things impact him and only him.

If he says have the baby, well he might give you some cash but HE doesn't want to be a parent. Doesn't seem like he's thinking about YOU at all.

If he says give the baby up- well he doesn't think he could live with himself knowing he gave his child away. But honestly, if he is rejecting the role of parent regardless, does it really matter if it's you or another set of parents raising this child? His dismissing adoption is all about how HE feels, again ignoring your feelings or the child's feelings.

If he says abort, well he gets to have his cake and eat it too. His life isn't impacted at all and it is about how HE feels, once again ignoring YOU and essentially leaving you holding the bag for any emotional aftershocks.

What about your daughter- does she know about the pregnancy? What would be the impact on her of telling her well mommy decided it was best to give your brother and sister to other families who really wanted a baby, but we decided to prevent this brother or sister from ever being born? As I child, I think I would've found that very confusing and very scary. How come my first brother got to be born but my second brother didn't? What if mommy decides she doesn't want me to have been born any more?

Another pp mentioned your signature- you are missing the baby you lost in June. In some way that baby has come back to you. I get that the timing stinks and you stand to lose a lot, but your other children, you, and possibly some adoptive parents stand to have tremendous gain too.

Perhaps parenting another is too much for you right now, but you indicated possibly feeling like you wouldn't want to give the baby up for adoption after he is born? If you feel in your heart of hearts there is a *possibility* you want to keep the baby you might not want to make any irrevocable decisions right now.

Personally, I wouldn't allow the father to have any say- he's not going to be there for you no matter what you decide so why allow him to steer YOUR life when he is so clearly focused on one person and one person only- HIMSELF.

 

anjelika likes this.
pjs is offline  
#25 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 09:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
CrazyCatLady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 4,734
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Just to clarify.  He is willing to support either decision...parenting or abortion.  Just his preference is not to parent right now (and he's entitled to an opinion, it's not like we planned this).  He says he plans to stick by me and make the best of it if I choose to keep the baby.  He hasn't pressured me either way.  He has actually been pretty great considering.  He would just prefer to actually get to know each other better and be in better places before we choose to have a kid together.   

 

And I'm not going to hate him because he doesn't think he can handle adoption.  Adoption is NOT easy.  I have placed two kids for adoption and I don't really regret them.  But being a birth parent isn't something I'd wish on anyone, so I am certainly not going to hate him for thinking he couldn't go through with it.  I don't think it makes anyone selfish because they can't stomach placing a kid up for adoption.  And anyone who does think that has probably never lost a child to adoption.

 

I'm still torn but I have really appreciated all the feedback and food for thought.  Yesterday my mind was made up and I was ready to just get it over with. Today I am not so confident.  I really would like my life back though.  I don't want to be that mentally ill birthmom that births ten kids she can't take care of.  I'm trying to get myself out of this cycle.  Thanks again everyone.


Melaya (29) - Mom to Z (9) and soon to be I (due Nov 2013) stork-boy.gif

Birth mom to M (7), O (5), & C (2). winner.jpgnovaxnoIRC.giftriadadopt.jpg

CrazyCatLady is offline  
#26 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 09:51 AM
 
HollyBearsMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: nomans land
Posts: 6,197
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

So you guys got back together?  In your other thread you said he had "dumped you".  My concern is that he will do it again, further along in your pregancy. Once thing to consider is how committed you think he really is and whether you can count on him.

 

You have a hard decison ahead of you. I hope you can find to IRL support too. 

 

Hugs mama. hug2.gif


Pardon me while I puke.gif

HollyBearsMom is offline  
#27 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 10:01 AM
 
georgia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: tl;dr
Posts: 25,918
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Melaya, just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you hug.gif


I have retired from administration work, so if you have a question about anything MDC-related, please contact Cynthia Mosher. Thanks!
 
georgia is offline  
#28 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 10:19 AM
 
AtYourCervices's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 761
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I've been thinking a lot about this since initially reading your post. What I'd recommend is that you move someplace cheaper. Leave your things behind with friends if you have to. Just pack up whatever you can carry with you. Go to a battered women's shelter, mentioning the history of your (ex) husband trying to kill you and that he's running from the cops and you don't know where he is. They will take you in. They'll also set you up with assistance in the area, including a new mental health environment. You may be able to find better treatment in a different area. They can help you find employment, and if you keep the baby they can help you get things for the child. They can help you place your child if you wish. They could also help you get the pregnancy terminated if that's what you choose. 

 

I know an excellent town that has an affordable cost of living and AMAZING supportive services for those who have mental health issues. PM me if you want more information. You can definitely find a crunchy community there, but it's not the norm. The town I'm thinking of has a great art/music community as well. 

 

 

Also, if you do decide to terminate, there are doulas willing to be with you during the procedure. I would recommend you find one to be with you during this tough time. 

 

I personally had a pregnancy that didn't come at the right time. I had only been seeing the guy a couple months. I was sick (medications contraindicated during pregnancy). I was living in poverty (as in I couldn't even afford toilet paper). I gave my 3 oldest children to their father (my ex husband) to raise because I was incapable of caring for myself, let alone my children. The father accepted the choice was mine but he did encourage me to abort, as he was afraid there would be something wrong with the baby (due to my illness and the medications I took prior to finding out I was pregnant). I chose to keep the pregnancy. It was a tough decision. One that I cried about every night, and I'm still tearing up about it. 

 

Now I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. I'm married to her father. I'm in remission from my illness. My husband has an excellent job which pays very well. One of my three older children moved back in with me and we're planning on the other two to move back in with us within the year. 

 

I have no doubt in my mind if I aborted I wouldn't be with the child's father. I would've felt such anger and resentment against him and myself. I fear it would have pushed me over the edge, turning me suicidal. If I had an abortion I don't believe I would have gone into remission. If I was still alive, I would have been miserable, sick and suffering. 

 

That's just my story. What really made up my mind about keeping the pregnancy is realizing that by aborting the pregnancy I would be making a permanent decision based on a temporary problem.

 

Are your problems temporary? Do you have other options (such as moving, like I mentioned above)? Even if the other options aren't easy or desirable, there are still other options to consider. Your previous abortion made you feel "icky". I suspect if you abort this pregnancy you'll have the same reaction. Though your previous abortion was coerced, how different would it be to abort this pregnancy? Is your illness coercing you? Is your current life situation coercing you? 

 

Good luck! Like I said, you can always PM me if you'd like.

AtYourCervices is offline  
#29 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 11:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
CrazyCatLady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 4,734
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thank you everyone.  I expected posting this would convince me not to get the abortion, and after reading all the replies I realize it's just what I need to do.  I don't want to move away from my friends and family and live in a shelter.  I don't want to spend another pregnancy mentally ill and unable to function.  I don't want to be a single mom to two kids...even if it qualifies me for food stamps or whatever.  I can barely stand being alone with the one kid I already have, I don't need the added stress of an infant too.  I don't want to lose my scholarship at school.  I also don't want to have four living kids living in four different homes. 

 

I am 27 and sick of being set back all the time by pregnancies/kids that I can't cope with.  I want to be healthy and get my life together before I take on another kid (if I ever do).  I want a supportive partner first.  I need to grow up a lot.  I want to do the right thing for once, even if it's hard.  Adoption just isn't always the solution people wish it was for all kinds of reasons.  And every time I have chosen parenting, I regretted it.  That's how my son ended up being placed at a year old.  I still regret keeping my six year old.  I really don't think I should have ever become a mother, and I can put an end to this cycle now. 

 

I have an appointment to get it done tomorrow morning.  I am scared and relieved at the same time.  Thanks again for all the help. 


Melaya (29) - Mom to Z (9) and soon to be I (due Nov 2013) stork-boy.gif

Birth mom to M (7), O (5), & C (2). winner.jpgnovaxnoIRC.giftriadadopt.jpg

CrazyCatLady is offline  
#30 of 69 Old 01-18-2011, 11:15 AM
 
mommariffic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: the rolling hills, New Jersey
Posts: 1,796
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Read all the responses and couldn't not respond --- I hope everything goes well. I think you're doing the right thing, and I think you should concentrate on building a life for you and your daughter 


blogging.jpg    fambedsingle2.gif  homebirth.jpg  read.gif  happy momma to DD 8/07 and DS 6/10
mommariffic is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off