There are times (more often than I'd like to admit), that I just get really down. I was on antidepressants for 2 years and finally weaned myself off, mostly for the lack of health insurance I'm about to have I won't be able to afford them, but I digress. I have always had bouts of depression, and have been doing ok with it recently, but as of late, I have been more and more down.
I was married for 9 years and am actually going to court to finalize the divorce in a few weeks. I asked for the divorce, I wasn't happy and this is the right choice, but of course it is still hard. We have two young children together. We were together since highschool.
I didn't have a great childhood, my dad wasn't in my life whatsoever. I had an ass of a stepdad from the age of 5-14. My mom had a terrible childhood as in sexual abuse from the age of two. She tried what I think was her best, but when I became a teenager our relationship was irrevocably damaged. She accused me of all these terrible things and treated me like a bad, slutty person basically, which was unwarranted.
I hate that things that happen to you in your life mess you up so much, and you have to deal with it for the rest of your life. I try very very hard to work past and through these things, but they always pop up and mess things up. I am a christian and I pray and attend church. I mentor, I help others, I try to be a good person, do the right thing, but I cannot seem to move forward. Cannot put these things behind me. I don't know how to handle or manage the effect it has on me.
I essentially feel very alone. I have two brothers and they both are dependant on meds and alcohol to function. I don't have an addictive personality, but sometimes I need something to just make my hurt subside.
I try to surround myself with good, positive people, but when I have my down times, they don't know how to help me and I end up bringing them down with me. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who has a healthy emotional state and a relatively good life and outlook, because he just doesn't get it. I relate more to people who are in the same boat obviously, but I want to know that I don't have to be in this boat forever.
I have my mom and my brothers, which I stated their situation earlier. I'm not close to my moms side of the family, but not for lack of trying. That's all I have.
Thanks for reading.
Mama to and
Hey sweetie! You really will feel better later!!!
My very favorite self help book is "You Can Heal Your Life" by louise hay. She also has some video's on you tube, too. I HIGHLY recommend this book. I really helped me move past my childhood.
Second, your spiritual beliefs can help. I'm not the same religion as you, so I'm not the best person to explain to you exactly how to do this, so I suggest posting a request on the spirituality board titled something like "Christian struggling with depression and feelings of loneliness." This is, sadly, a common problem. I suspect that there is Christian specific advice, books, thoughts that would be helpful for you.
After all, isn't Christianity about a personal relationship? It seems like there must be a way to pivot your religious beliefs so that the feelings of being alone in the world would be lessened.
It totally makes sense to me that you are struggling with feelings of depression as divorce date comes nearer. May be reminding yourself that the way you feel makes sense in this situation, but that you aren't going to stay stuck here will help. For me, when I'm really down, I have this fear of always feeling this way. Reminding myself that ALL feelings pass, even intense negative ones, is helpful. The way you feel right now is temporary.
There's another book I really like, but it might be too New Agey for you. It's called Ask and it is Given (by Hicks). It talks about moving up just a little on the emotional scale. Rather than trying to actually feel happy, just going for a more neutral feeling, such as "discouragement." Discouragement is so much easier and lighter than depression, and yet so much more accessible that actual happiness. One of the exercises in this book is "Which Though Feels Better." You start with a current thought, and then reach for some thoughts that feel better. For example:
"I try to surround myself with good, positive people, but when I have my down times, they don't know how to help me and I end up bringing them down with me."
- At least I've made a few friends.
- I do OK with friendship when I'm in my up times.
- I know that other people want to help me.
Sometimes another thought pops up that feels worse, such as "I don't know how to be friends when I'm down." Rather than diving into it, let it go, go back to one of the one's that feel better and build on it.
This is just a process to start choosing your thoughts on this subject, to find the most positive way to look at it.
but everything has pros and cons
. My favorite spiritual teacher is Eckhart Tolle. His first book, The Power of Now, is great and my favorite. His second book," A New Earth, Finding Your Life's Purpose" is also very powerful but I find the first book more basic and direct. He talks a lot about ending our own suffering by changing our basic perception and experience of life, by becoming present. He addresses how to face painful emotions, what he calls the pain body, and how to end the cycle it throws us in.
Anyway I am doing a terrible job of explaining it. Not sure if it would be your thing, but it has helped me tremendously, on a very practical, everyday level. Perhaps it could help you too.
In any case I hope you find some healing for yourself.
Mama since 2010
Multicultural living in Europe