Cutting my parents off is killing me - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-11-2011, 08:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mother4peace82 View Post

I don't really know the details of your situation but it seems your mother, for some reason, was concerned for your children. It was wrong of her to make false allegations, but perhaps it is wrong to deny your children the right to see their grandparent. Is it possible for you to forgive your mother and reconcile? It may bring peace to your spirit to put the past behind and resolve the situation. The suffering caused by the disconnection must be painful for you and your children, and your mother. Hopefully one day you will change your mind about having a relationship with your mom. We all make mistakes, but that is how we learn and grow. I wish you the best on your journey!


 

Without knowing everything about the OPs situation, I just wanted to respond to this post generally.

 

1) It's a possibility that the grandma was not concerned for the children.  My parents also tried to intervene legally in my family's/children's life, *not* because they were concerned, but because they didn't like our reasonable decisions as parents- simply because they were different from their own.  Sometimes it is about control, not concern. 

 

2) It is NOT wrong to stop seeing a person (any person) who made "false allegations" that could have led to the children wrongly being taken from their own home and their own parents.  This is a basic safety issue.  Children have a right to be free from that kind of trauma, to live in safety without fear of being removed from their mother and strangers invading their lives for absolutely no valid reason.

 

3) Of course it is possible to forgive, but that does NOT mean that reconciliation is in the best interest of the family at all.  What is grandma does it again?  And again?  Or something else?  The children need to be the priority, not the other party that created the problem in the first place.

 

4) I'm sure it would bring peace to a mom's spirit to "put the past behind and resolve the situation" but the way you say that makes me think you have never dealt with an actual toxic person out to harm your family/children.  Believe me, peace is something we need to come to on our own, and you can NOT resolve a situation with a person who is toxic and harmful and does not want truly resolve the situation.  If the other person were reasonable, the situation would not exist in the first place.

 

5) Sure, everyone makes mistakes.  But if it is at the expense of a child, my child is more important than your chance to "learn and grow."  Learn and grow somewhere else, by getting counseling or with other adults or something, not by harming my child and my family by lying about us to authorities that could take the children out of the home for no cause. 

 

------

 

Sigh.  I just get this tired of this same old situation that other families have to go thru.  I had one person tell me years and years ago to just put up with my mom and her actions, like they did, because we all know how she is and just have to accept it.  (They didn't have children yet, and I did.)  It's so easy to say, isn't it?  But what they were really saying was, "Leave you children alone with a person who physically and emotionally abuses them and left them alone with a sex offender, so you don't rock the boat for the rest of the family by getting this person mad."  Interestingly, this same person who said this to me moved 2000 miles away pretty fast once they had a child of their own.  It is very different when it is YOUR children in harms way, and not some random child you know about. 

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Old 03-11-2011, 10:12 AM
 
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In my experience, people who encourage others to tolerate and enable abusers either have no experience with truly abusive people and so can't believe it's actually "that bad", or they're in their own enmeshed or abusive cycle and can't stand to see others breaking away because it forces them to have to face certain unpleasant realities about themselves.
 

Regardless of the motive behind it, someone who encourages you to stay with an abuser doesn't have your best interests in mind. In fact they probably aren't thinking of your interests at all. We don't tell battered women to stay with their abusers or to "be the bigger person" or to "give him a chance to grow and learn". We shouldn't ever tell adult children of abusers to stay with their abusive parents--or worse, subject the grandchildren to the same abuse!

 

Abuse is abuse is abuse regardless of whether the survivor shares DNA with the abuser. Breaking free takes immense courage and strength, especially when so many in society helpfully tell you that blood is always thicker than water and that family should always come first, even if family treats you like dirt.


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When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. --George Bernard Shaw

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Old 03-12-2011, 07:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mother4peace82 View Post

I don't really know the details of your situation but it seems your mother, for some reason, was concerned for your children. It was wrong of her to make false allegations, but perhaps it is wrong to deny your children the right to see their grandparent. Is it possible for you to forgive your mother and reconcile? It may bring peace to your spirit to put the past behind and resolve the situation. The suffering caused by the disconnection must be painful for you and your children, and your mother. Hopefully one day you will change your mind about having a relationship with your mom. We all make mistakes, but that is how we learn and grow. I wish you the best on your journey!



My mom was not concerned for my children. I don't know if I mentioned this upthread, but she did not call CPS for several days after the supposed "allegation" by ds (which, incidentally, no one else ever heard, because this supposedly happened when he was alone with her). Having been a mandated reporter I can say with 100% certaintly that if a child was left in my care and made clear, unmistakable allegations of sexual abuse, I would call the police, and THEN the parent. No way would I take a chance on sending that child back to that environment. The fact that she stewed over it fo several days,and TOLD ME FIRST and then went ahead and called, tells me that she was weighing the risks to HER of causing such big drama, not the risks to my children. No one in their right mind needs 3 or 4 days to decide about calling CPS if they are so sure that a child is being molested and they definitely don't give a heads up to the potential molester. No, she was trying to decide whether or not I was bluffing or serious when I told her that if she called CPS it would be the last she saw of my children.

 

Yes, my children have th right to see their grandparents, but they also have the right to live in a safe, secure environment with two loving parents. If the former threatens the latter then I have to make the choice that reflects their best interests.

 

I have yet to receiv an apology from either of my parents, and they continue to play games and try to stir the pot. My mother checks in at the consignment stores that I frequent, and asks the owners whetherthey have seen me, and about the children and so on. She calls my aunts and demands that they answer questions about me, and tries to tell them how worried she is about my children not being cared for properly. When my aunt didn't give in to her pestering, she actually called her job, and spoke to her boss.

 

I'm now dealing with the issue of my parents' upcoming anniversary. Part of me says not to worry about it, especially considering what I went through two years ago for their 25th anniversary. I wanted to throw a suprise formal dinner party (mainly for my mom's benefit) and she made it SO difficult. Obviously she didn't know what I was up to, but she was so incredibly controlling, manipulative and just plain mean, that by the day of the party I was so beaten down and discouraged, and feeling so horirble that I wanted to kill myself. That sounds dramatic, but, I actually felt THAT horrible. I tried to go to the friend's house where I was doing it, to set up, I was yelled at, physically prevented from leaving, etc etc because she didn't trust me. And I just wanted to do something nice for her. It just was NO fun, the way it should be when you give someone something. And then whenever I stayed at her house after that, she woud bitterly complain that I had cleaned up the kitchen of the host friend's house after the party, but I couldn't be bothered to clean HER kitchen (insert: to her standards.) Yet, I am still feeling immensely guilty about no acknowldeging their anniversary this year. I mean, if I could just get an apology.

 

I *wish* I could share my children with my mother. They are my pride and joy and I WANT to show them off to her. But I can't trust her.

 

I've come too far in learning about myself and in healing. Much of that is due to this man who stands by me through my worst moments, and really, truly WORKS at our relationship because he values me enough that it is worth it. That is not something I have seen in my mother. It's always my fault, with her. If my mother wants to go around and not only hurt me, but try to ruin the life of the one person who, imperfect as he is, has shown me unconditional love, then it would be a hnuge step backwards for me and a slap in the face to him, to reconcile with her (which would inevitably involve me being the bad guy, the errant child, and her the benevolent mother willing to forgive me once again.)

 


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Old 03-13-2011, 12:09 AM
 
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hang tough, momma.


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Old 03-13-2011, 08:16 AM
 
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Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post
 Yet, I am still feeling immensely guilty about no acknowldeging their anniversary this year. I mean, if I could just get an apology.

 

I *wish* I could share my children with my mother. They are my pride and joy and I WANT to show them off to her. But I can't trust her.

There is a lot written in this thread that I totally relate to.  I cut off my parents too about a year ago.  I feel HUGE guilt, but I never regretted the decision, it had to be made.  I need to protect myself and my kids.  I realized that I can make the choice to only have people in my life that I can trust, people that I don't HAVE to put up emotional barriers against just to deal with them.  Letting untrustworthy people be in my life affects my whole self, way beyond just that one relationship.  My mom's twin brother died several weeks ago, and my sister urged me to call her.  I thought it over for a while, but decided not to.  Yeah, I'm that sure.  It's that permanent.  There is grief to deal with, but I made this decision to improve my life, and I'm working on letting go of the guilt and forgiving myself. 

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