Update: Coming out as Poly to my Dad..Dealing with aftermath...Thoughts? (long) - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 39 Old 02-09-2011, 04:22 PM
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Hey OP, I don't have any advice for you but I wanted to offer my support - you sound like a really lovely person, and I am sorry your father is being so harsh with you. You didn't derserve that reaction. 

 

Love and Blessings.


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#32 of 39 Old 02-10-2011, 10:14 AM
 
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Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post

 

Wow, LessTraveledBy, how much worse could it be without being fully abusive?                                                                                                         

 

Unfortunately:

 

Calling CPS

Calling her employer/partners employers

Going to the neighbors and getting them stirred up

He and Grandma could call every. single, day. (several times a day) yelling and screaming

 

And that's without really thinking about it.  It's fairly easy to make someone's life a living hell without ever laying a hand on them.

 

 

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#33 of 39 Old 02-10-2011, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Katwoman View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post

 

Wow, LessTraveledBy, how much worse could it be without being fully abusive?                                                                                                         

 

Unfortunately:

 

Calling CPS

Calling her employer/partners employers

Going to the neighbors and getting them stirred up

He and Grandma could call every. single, day. (several times a day) yelling and screaming

 

And that's without really thinking about it.  It's fairly easy to make someone's life a living hell without ever laying a hand on them.

 

 



Any of those things would be abusive, although not physically violent. And the CPS thing would be illegal (not that anyone would do anything about that, probably). I just don't see anything 'calm' about the Dad's response. Fortunately, Swanvalkyrie seems to have a good understanding of boundaries....likely learned on her own during her adult lifetime. :) I bet if Dad/Grandma started calling/screaming, a phone block would go in, stat.

 

Hope it's going well, OP. Would be curious to see how it unfolds as the months go by!

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#34 of 39 Old 02-10-2011, 02:46 PM
 
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Would anyone be open to talking with me via PM about living a "poly" lifestyle? I'm very nonjudgemental and would like to hear and understand from someone who has chosen this lifestyle and is comfortable talking about it. 

 

Thanks :) 


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#35 of 39 Old 02-11-2011, 10:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post


Any of those things would be abusive, although not physically violent. And the CPS thing would be illegal (not that anyone would do anything about that, probably). I just don't see anything 'calm' about the Dad's response. Fortunately, Swanvalkyrie seems to have a good understanding of boundaries....likely learned on her own during her adult lifetime. :) I bet if Dad/Grandma started calling/screaming, a phone block would go in, stat.

 

Hope it's going well, OP. Would be curious to see how it unfolds as the months go by!



Then you are blessed.  (I'm not being sarcastic at all!)  You seem to have grown up/are surrounded by people with really good boundaries. 

 

In my family, everything I listed would have been considered normal behavior, not abusive.  (Abusive in our family is a whole other level.)  So, it's all about where you come from.  I was just throwing out my thoughts as to add a different dimension to your original statement about it not being relatively calm. 

 

But I do want to add that I don't think the OP was "lucky" that her Dad "only" acted the way his did.  As an adult that knows about good boundaries, I'm saddened by his behavior towards his daughter.  Just not surprised. 

 

 

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#36 of 39 Old 02-11-2011, 11:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by makalani View Post

Would anyone be open to talking with me via PM about living a "poly" lifestyle? I'm very nonjudgemental and would like to hear and understand from someone who has chosen this lifestyle and is comfortable talking about it. 

 

Thanks :) 



Not me, but some of the books mentioned in this thread will probably provide you all the insight you could want and then some. :)



Quote:
Originally Posted by Katwoman View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post


Any of those things would be abusive, although not physically violent. And the CPS thing would be illegal (not that anyone would do anything about that, probably). I just don't see anything 'calm' about the Dad's response. Fortunately, Swanvalkyrie seems to have a good understanding of boundaries....likely learned on her own during her adult lifetime. :) I bet if Dad/Grandma started calling/screaming, a phone block would go in, stat.

 

Hope it's going well, OP. Would be curious to see how it unfolds as the months go by!



Then you are blessed.  (I'm not being sarcastic at all!)  You seem to have grown up/are surrounded by people with really good boundaries. 

 

In my family, everything I listed would have been considered normal behavior, not abusive.  (Abusive in our family is a whole other level.)  So, it's all about where you come from.  I was just throwing out my thoughts as to add a different dimension to your original statement about it not being relatively calm. 

 

But I do want to add that I don't think the OP was "lucky" that her Dad "only" acted the way his did.  As an adult that knows about good boundaries, I'm saddened by his behavior towards his daughter.  Just not surprised. 

 

 

 

I hear you. I am blessed in that I'm reaping what I've sown. I earned my MA from Boundaries College with a field school in Family Of Origin, minor in Friends and Lovers. I hardly get any more vampires at all.
 

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#37 of 39 Old 02-22-2011, 06:17 PM
 
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hug2.gifTo the OP. I do not have any advice, but I wish you and your family all the best. I think it's wondeful that your children will grow up with MORE people to raise them and love them. How can that be a bad thing?

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#38 of 39 Old 03-30-2011, 11:34 PM
 
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Any update from the OP about her relationship with her dad...and all that? Hope you are well!


Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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#39 of 39 Old 04-29-2013, 04:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know this was years ago, but there was some interest in how things panned out. Just wanted to update those who were interested. 

 

Unfortunately, my relationship with my husband did not last, for many reasons I'd rather not go into here. Suffice to say that all of the stress from various events in our lives made it very clear that we were not compatible. I am still with G and we are very happy together in a more traditional relationship. Some members of my extended family heard about what happened, apparently I was the talk of the town for quite awhile. They made an effort to reach out to me and let me know that several of my father's siblings had been "kicked out of the family" in their younger days for dating outside their race :(  It made me feel a little better to be continuing a family tradition, lol.

 

My father had made no effort to contact me until recently. He had my aunt message me through facebook and tell me that he had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital, he suffered a mental breakdown after the death of his girlfriend. He's been diagnosed as bi-polar and put on medication. She said he wasn't ready to talk to me yet, he needed awhile to get used to the meds, but that when he was up for it he'd like me to call him, and he'd also like us to write letters to each other. That was about a month ago, I haven't heard anything since.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about resuming contact. All this time of not speaking has allowed me to reflect from a distance on our relationship, and realize how incredibly strange and damaging my childhood was because of his behavior. His diagnosis has cleared up many questions, but it also makes me nervous that he will try to use it as a way to excuse himself from any blame. I do feel for him. It's heartbreaking to lose a loved one. But I am so hurt and angry about the past. I don't want to continue our relationship the way it was, with his needs and feelings trumping mine. And I certainly don't want to be used for comfort. 

 

I'm unsure of how to set healthy boundaries in this situation. How can I overcome a lifetime of hurt and be there to comfort someone who wasn't there for me?

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