Needing to vent - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Thread Tools
#1 of 5 Old 02-23-2011, 07:47 PM - Thread Starter
IndigoKoi's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 110
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Why do people continually make poor choices in their lives? Sometimes it's the same poor choice over and over. And, to make it worse, they try to convince themselves or alter the reality in their mind to make it a good choice. I am so frustrated right now, but mostly I am sad that this person can't see that the choice she has made is not as she perceives it to be. I tried to put it in perspective for her, and she seemed to agree that if roles were reversed or changed it would be upsetting, but I know she has no intention of changing her actions or choice.


Sorry for being a bit cryptic and vague, I'm just not 100% sure I want to put the situation all out there in the open, but I did want to vent to people that wouldn't have a clue who I'm talking about.

IndigoKoi is offline  
#2 of 5 Old 02-23-2011, 08:12 PM
Snapdragon's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,630
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)

I think sometimes people just have really deeply ingrained belief systems from their lives/ childhoods. So they make choices that will reinforce those beliefs, even if they are negative sometimes.

Snapdragon is online now  
#3 of 5 Old 02-23-2011, 08:31 PM - Thread Starter
IndigoKoi's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 110
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hmm... that's a possibility. Ok.... here's the situation. My mom (who I love and I am very close with), often makes poor choices when it comes to relationships with men. My dad is a good guy, but they got divorced when I was 5. Her next boyfriend was an alcoholic and he was verbally and emotionally and maybe once or twice physically abusive to all of us in the family. Luckily she got out of the relationship, but it was about 8 or so years long. However, the next boyfriend wasn't much better. He wasn't an alcoholic, at least it wasn't obvious, but he was a chronic liar, cheated on my mom often, and in the end after they broke up, it turns out he was totally broke, and he stole all his mother's money (she has Alzheimer's) from her bank accounts and left. It was crazy. Next guy, was in a weird family situation. He was technically still married, and living with his wife, but they lived on different floors of the house, and it was basically like they were only together b/c their youngest daughter said she'd kill herself if they divorced legally(obviously she has issues as well). Eventually that ended. Then, my mom was single for a while like a year or so, and it seemed like she as doing really well. Well, the other night I was talking to my brother on her cell phone (she handed it to me in the car) and I saw she had a text message. So I said "oh, you've got a text" and she snatches the phone from my hand and seems all flustered. I didn't make much of it then, but tonight I asked her if she had a boyfriend. She admitted she had a "friend" but didn't want me to find out. Of course I ask her more about this, and I end up guessing who it is. Long story short, she is talking with a long time friend from her childhood days. However, this isn't just friendship talk, it's more. I don't think they talk about doing anything physical, but there is definitely emotional intimacy going on. To complicate matters, this guy is married and they hide their "friendship" from her. To make it even more complicated he is dying of cancer, and my mom says she wants to be there for him b/c apparently his wife doesn't seem to be emotionally supportive of all the things he's going through.


So on the one hand,I totally understand her wanting to be there for her friend, especially during the last stage of his life. On the other hand, I am very much against cheating and infidelity of any sort, whether it's physical or emotional. I asked her if she thought what she was doing was wr ong and she said no. And I said, well what if it was my husband that was sneaking behind my back and talking to another woman in such a loving way? she said "I'd kill him". And I said, "Why would it make you angry?" and she said "because he is betraying you." And then I said, "so, how is it that in this situation it's ok?" and she didn't say anything. I told her I'm glad that you care for each other, and I'm glad you can be supportive of him, but you shouldn't have to lie and sneak around and you need to set boundaries for your friendship. She knows his wife, and she says she's always been jealous of my mom, and I told her well you're giving her good reason. Why would she trust you? Again, she said nothing. Then a few minutes later she said "well, what if I'm the only thing that's keeping him alive right now?". I just sighed. She's trying to convince herself that it's ok to do this.


I realize this isn't a black and white situation. But it's hard to watch my mom make these poor relationship choices over and over. Especially if she is "the other woman". I just imagine how hurt this guy's wife would be, and to know my mom is 50% of that cause is sad for me.

IndigoKoi is offline  
#4 of 5 Old 02-23-2011, 08:40 PM
Chamomile Girl's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West of the Sierras East of the Sea
Posts: 2,860
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ug, I totally understand. Its so hard to watch our parents do really dumb relationship stuff that we know is going to fail and then when it does its even harder (a lot harder) to not say "I told you so". Why can't the people we love realize we know whats best for them (I do not say that sarcastically...)!
Chamomile Girl is offline  
#5 of 5 Old 03-13-2011, 08:51 PM
hotmamacita's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 7,210
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I understand.


I have some neighbors and some family members who make bad choices and shift the blame and attack others.  It is heartbreaking to witness.

hotmamacita is offline  

Quick Reply
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:


Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page

Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off