Would this bother you? - Mothering Forums
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Personal Growth > Would this bother you?
brunarosa's Avatar brunarosa 07:34 AM 03-01-2011

I'm trying to decide if I should be upset over this. My mil has a history of "stealing" my pictures on facebook (always pics of my children). Without ever asking me, she takes pictures I've put on my facebook and puts them on her own page. I don't like the fact that she does it, but I've let it slide. At one point she stole my profile pic and made it her profile pic too. I told her that was too confusing and she needed to change it. But I didn't make a big deal about it because I don't like stirring up stuff. She even went so far as to steal a pic from my dad's facebook page. In the same breath she stole the pic, she "asked" if she could via a comment under the pic. Of course, there's not much my dad could have said unless he wanted to make her angry and I have no idea if he even cares. But, all this is small (in my mind) to what she has now done. I get up this morning a see a message she has sent me on facebook. She tells me that she gave a copy of my dd's sonogram pic to her friend to use in a pro-life (anti-abortion) poster that has been sent out on facebook and who knows where else. Then she asks me what I think... Like I'm suppose to take this as a happy surprise? (All personal info was removed from the pic.) I wouldn't exactly describe myself as pro-life or pro-choice. I haven't drawn any lines in the sand when it comes to what I think about abortion. But, the question is, how upset would you be over this? Am I over reacting? I sent her a message back saying that it would have been nice if she had asked me beforehand and that I would not of given her permission to use the pic if she had asked. If i wasn't dealing with an in-law I wouldn't have any problem telling them what I thought from the very beginning. But, the in-laws already think I don't like them so I try to tread cautiously.



mamalisa's Avatar mamalisa 07:47 AM 03-01-2011

I'd be pissed.  I would ask my husband to tell his parents that our children aren't to be used for ANY propaganda, ever.  


AttunedMama 08:08 AM 03-01-2011

Mega-pissed. That's totally ate-up. Sounds like time to reevaluate your walking-on-eggshells policy and kick some bootie!


earth-mama's Avatar earth-mama 08:47 AM 03-01-2011

I would be totally pissed, but I am also very pro-choice and to use a picture of mine for pro-life propaganda would be a HUGE issue for me.  I think maybe it is time to tell your MIL to stop taking pictures from you.


labdogs42's Avatar labdogs42 08:58 AM 03-01-2011
That is not cool. I think I'd be blocking her and also introducing her to Flickr or iSptockphoto for her generic photo needs!
Pranamama5's Avatar Pranamama5 09:01 AM 03-01-2011

Sounds like a boundries issue.  The issue of boundries is best addressed, in my experience, upfront and with as much love and compassion as you can muster.  If possible have a face to face conversation ( if you are geographically distanced, use Skype- so much can be lost in phone conversations) and explain exactly what it is that doesn't feel comfortable for you about the issue(s).  Perhaps your mil doesn't have a full grasp on what is acceptable "social etiquette" on navigating Facebook.  Once you've explained the situation to her you'll have at the very least freed your mind from the merry-go-round of "is it me?" and released a lot of negative energy that doesn't serve for the good of anyone.  Trust that your imput, and possibly information on what is appropriate and what isn't appropriate on Facebook, will shift your relationship onto a new path. Good Luck!


imagine21's Avatar imagine21 12:33 PM 03-01-2011

I'd send a "cease and desist" to the friend demanding that the sonogram pic not be used.  Wow, serious boundary issues.


Treece's Avatar Treece 11:20 PM 03-04-2011

I'm also not pro choice or pro life, but this would be beyond acceptable. I would probably cut ties....bag.gif  Cuz, I tend to burn bridges..... Then I would try to mend the relationship if I thought it important (Is she a good g-ma?)


ElliesMomma's Avatar ElliesMomma 11:38 PM 03-04-2011

if your in laws already think you don't like them, and she pulls this move, then asks what you think about it... i'd say that it sure sounds like she is "egging you on."

 

why do you just take this??

 

there is (or at least used to be) a way for you to remove other people's "tags" of your photos on facebook.

 

my aunt "tagged herself" in some of my pictures of my kids. i didn't like it, and "untagged" her, without saying anything about it. she hasn't tagged anymore since.

 

you could bypass the MIL entirely by asking her for the name and email address of the person she sent the sonogram to, and then you directly contact that person, tell them that you DO NOT give permission, that the photo was taken without your permission from your facebook page, and that you definitely do not want the photo to be used by their organization. if you want to egg them on a bit, tell them that your lawyer will be in touch with them soon if your wishes are not respected.


babygirlie's Avatar babygirlie 12:16 AM 03-05-2011

UGH! I would contact the person and inform them if the picture was not deleted in it's entirety from her position I would sue over copywrite protection.

 

As for your mil stealing pics. If I love someone I steal too but I don't repost... but then again I'm not a grandma with nothing better to do that talk about my grandkids on facebook... yet. I would take down all your pics of your kids and mail out hard copies if you want people to have them. I do not post pics of my kid on facebook. It simply bothers me. I DO have a private area for family where I do post though. I'd be pissed if someone saved them and posted them publicly but unfortunatly for me no one cares if I have kids so I know no one will.


Annie Mac's Avatar Annie Mac 08:51 AM 03-05-2011

Congratulations, OP, you are the first person who's presented me with a truly heinous and offensive facebook photo snag scenario. The internet is full of ultrasound images, she could easily have taken a different one. I think it might depend on your politics as to how awful this is, but it would certainly anger me.


HollyBearsMom's Avatar HollyBearsMom 09:38 AM 03-05-2011

Unfortunately it is not stealing.  Once you put a photo on FB you no longer own the rights to that photo, FB does. Also- deleting a FB photo does not actually delete it.  It still "lives" in the FB database and they are free to use it anyway they see fit.

 

If you do not want any one to use/tag your photo you need to use your privacy settings to limit who can see them.  You can make it private so that only you can see it, you can choose friends, friends of friends, everyone or you can even choose specific people only. Better yet if you really do not want to give up your rights don't post them at all.

 

Now since your MIL gave a hard copy of the sonogram to her friend who then chose to share in on FB (via this pro life "poster") you may have a case.  I would contact FB ASAP.

 

However this only helps with FB. If she has used it via other social media sites, photo sites like flicker, etc, and email your only recourse is legal action. Do you know a lawyer who would en a letter for you? Again, if it is already out there on the WWW you are pretty much SOL. You may be able to get her to stop using it but the damage is already done. If this pro life "poster" goes viral there is not much you can do....


philomom's Avatar philomom 10:59 AM 03-05-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by earth-mama View Post

I would be totally pissed, but I am also very pro-choice and to use a picture of mine for pro-life propaganda would be a HUGE issue for me.  I think maybe it is time to tell your MIL to stop taking pictures from you.



Yep, this!


raksmama's Avatar raksmama 03:25 PM 03-05-2011

it would bother me too.


Annie Mac's Avatar Annie Mac 04:15 PM 03-05-2011
bluebackpacks's Avatar bluebackpacks 04:34 PM 03-05-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by brunarosa View Post

 I get up this morning a see a message she has sent me on facebook. She tells me that she gave a copy of my dd's sonogram pic to her friend to use in a pro-life (anti-abortion) poster that has been sent out on facebook and who knows where else. Then she asks me what I think... Like I'm suppose to take this as a happy surprise? 


This is the moment to address her serious lack of boundaries.  She will continue to cross the line (likely in more serious ways) as your kiddos grow older.  You have every right to confront her about her pathology.  It is affecting you and your family in a very negative way.  Furthermore, she won't acknowledge her culpability.  If it were me, I would address this issue with her ASAP.  I would stick to facts and avoid discussing 'her feelings'.  If she needs that outlet, she can find a therapist.  For me, the would be a big fat 4, on the 1-5 scale of seriousness.  I am angry for you, that she used your child's image in this manner without your knowledge.

 


journeymom's Avatar journeymom 04:51 PM 03-05-2011

OP, I see your post was from five days ago. Care to share an update?  Did you discuss this with your MIL? 

 

 

Quote:

Unfortunately it is not stealing.  Once you put a photo on FB you no longer own the rights to that photo, FB does. Also- deleting a FB photo does not actually delete it.  It still "lives" in the FB database and they are free to use it anyway they see fit.

 

 

True, but I don't think this about rights.  I think this issue is more about the OP's relationship with her MIL, not whether it was precisely legal or not.  

 

It would be completely legal for the OP to post on FB an angry rant about her MIL and her egregious lack of boundaries. But it wouldn't be considerate or respectful. 


HollyBearsMom's Avatar HollyBearsMom 12:29 PM 03-06-2011

Oh, I know its about her relationship with her MIL but I I think it is important to note that if the OP continue to share photos on FB the risk continues. Today its a sonagram, tomorrow it that cute bathtub photo, etc etc. If you don't want them out there on the net, don't post them.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

OP, I see your post was from five days ago. Care to share an update?  Did you discuss this with your MIL? 

 

 

 

True, but I don't think this about rights.  I think this issue is more about the OP's relationship with her MIL, not whether it was precisely legal or not.  

 

It would be completely legal for the OP to post on FB an angry rant about her MIL and her egregious lack of boundaries. But it wouldn't be considerate or respectful. 



 


babygirlie's Avatar babygirlie 02:57 PM 03-06-2011

I know I'm probably wrong as FB is pretty shrewd behind the scenes... but I still don't see how it is legal. I severely doubt there is a database full of 5 billion useless obscene pictures just sittign around for fb to figure out how they can profit off of it especially pictures of children. And IF Fb owns those pictures anyone would still then need to get written permission from the founder to use it anywhere else.

While these things (apparently in my own opinion) are illegal to post by anyone but the owner it's still on the internet. Once it's on the internet it's forever, which is what we need to teach our kids so there isn't nude pics of them out on go ogle pics.

 

As for the photo being used that was taken down for the ad. The mother took her child to a modeling agency.. had it professionally taken by someone not herself, then signed a release form stating she knew it would be used as a generic stock photo (ie for sale to anyone for anything). That's a big difference than someone using a picture I took myself and put on my website with no permission given to anyone. She made a mistake and now hopefully people won't sign just any contract when using a professional photographer. Last time I used one I signed over they can use my picture for anything and I think now I will just take my own.


gbailey's Avatar gbailey 06:45 PM 03-06-2011

I don't agree with OPs MIL but I have to agree with this. It's the reason I don't post pics of DD or any other family pics on FB.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom View Post

Oh, I know its about her relationship with her MIL but I I think it is important to note that if the OP continue to share photos on FB the risk continues. Today its a sonagram, tomorrow it that cute bathtub photo, etc etc. If you don't want them out there on the net, don't post them.
 



 



 


Britishmum's Avatar Britishmum 06:55 PM 03-06-2011

I would be upset at the sonogram picture, but honestly, if you post pictures up on Facebook you are really handing them over, and can't expect to retain control. That is the nature of the internet, and particularly the nature of sites like Facebook. And it's another reason why I refuse to use FB. I am very careful about what I put up on the internet.

 

As for the other pictures, I think you should feel flattered rather than annoyed. Pictures you post are really no longer 'yours', and imitation is really flattery.

 

Where she crossed a line was in her intended use of your picture, imo, not in copying them in the first place.


Spring Lily's Avatar Spring Lily 07:27 PM 03-06-2011
She's not respecting your boundaries, and it sounds like she's almost being passive aggressive about it. This is way over the line. She's just going to keep pushing you more and more if you don't stand up to her.

I think your DH needs to call her or email her to tell her that the two of you are upset that she keeps taking your photos off of FB, and in the future she needs to ask before giving any photos of your children to others. Unborn or not.

Then you need to defriend her on Facebook OR block her from viewing your photos. She's lost your trust, so she's lost that privilege.

Go to Account -->Privacy Settings --> "Customize Settings" (at the bottom) --> Under "Things I Share" click "edit privacy settings for existing photo albums and videos."--> On each album click on the grey box underneath and choose "customize"--> Under "Hide this from:" type in her name.

That way she can still be on your FB list if you want her to be, but she will no longer be able to steal your photos.
HollyBearsMom's Avatar HollyBearsMom 05:29 AM 03-07-2011

 

 

Quote:
I know I'm probably wrong as FB is pretty shrewd behind the scenes... but I still don't see how it is legal. I severely doubt there is a database full of 5 billion useless obscene pictures just sitting around for fb to figure out how they can profit off of it especially pictures of children. And IF Fb owns those pictures anyone would still then need to get written permission from the founder to use it anywhere else.

Its not that FB is waiting around to use these photos for monetary gain or whatever it is the fact that you can never rid the internet of them. Once you posted them you can not get them back. And if you post them with little privacy attached ANYONE can use them. So if you if have a MIL with boundary issues, well you will continue to run the risk.

 

And if you are a teen who thinks posting those drinking photos are funny, they might not seem too funny when the college admissions director gets a hold of them. 

 

Here is a case where a mom posted photos on her blog and they showed up on a billboard

http://www.extraordinarymommy.com/are-you-kidding-me/stolen-picture/

 

I post lots of photos on FB but I post knowing knowing that some day my son will be viewing them and so will his friends. I try to keep that filter in my mind before I post.

 


raksmama's Avatar raksmama 01:34 PM 03-07-2011

I also do not post any personal or family pictures on FB for this reason.


EFmom's Avatar EFmom 03:06 PM 03-07-2011

 

The "stealing" of the other pictures would mildly annoy me, but probably not enough for me to say anything if she's just using them among family.  I'd try to see it as flattery.

 

The sonogram thing would send me through the roof.  I am extremely pro-choice, and to have someone steal my image to use in their "pro-life" propaganda would infuriate me.  I would do what I needed to do to have them stop using it, I would defriend MIL, and I wouldn't be speaking to her again, period.  That is completely over the line.

 

And just because you post something to facebook, does not mean you are no longer the copyright holder.  You are.  See FB's policy on intellectual property.


Pepperdove's Avatar Pepperdove 10:43 PM 04-09-2011

Block, block, unfriend, unfriend. She might get pissed, but whatever. It's just FB, she'll get over it. Just say you are unplugging or something. She has proven to be untrustworthy in that forum.


sapphire_chan's Avatar sapphire_chan 03:05 PM 04-10-2011

The law doesn't protect people's images very much. And it really doesn't protect images that have been put out in public without registering copyright.

 

So, my first thought is that you get the info from your MIL, create a throwaway email  address, and send a message to the group that MIL's Name is a hardcore pro-choicer and you don't know what she told them, but that picture is a sonogram from right before her 3rd abortion.


AttunedMama 04:41 PM 04-10-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post

The law doesn't protect people's images very much. And it really doesn't protect images that have been put out in public without registering copyright.

 

So, my first thought is that you get the info from your MIL, create a throwaway email  address, and send a message to the group that MIL's Name is a hardcore pro-choicer and you don't know what she told them, but that picture is a sonogram from right before her 3rd abortion.



Or 13th.

 

sapphire_chan is hilariously petulant. I say 'thumbs up'.


MissMaegie'sMama's Avatar MissMaegie'sMama 08:51 AM 04-11-2011

I don't think your feelings are at all out of line. I would be angry too. The sonogram grab and its intended use would especially upset me.


les_oiseau's Avatar les_oiseau 06:48 PM 05-07-2011

Personally, and I don't mean to offend, but it's possible you're overeacting. How old is your MIL? And what is her experience on the internet? My in laws aren't even on facebook because they don't know how to use a computer. You could first assume something like, she doesn't know how to put pictures on the internet. Plus, you are making these pictures public, and they are pictures of her grandchildren. I can't see how someone would define this as "stealing". They are being made available to most of the world, but she can't take them off your page?

 

About the pro-life thing. All I can say is that there is probably reasoning on her part that you don't understand, and I really don't understand why anyone would assume it's meant for harm. Why don't you TALK to her about it? 


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