to those who have struggled with eating disorders - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 118 Old 03-20-2005, 01:25 AM
 
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Thanks a lot for sharing your experiences with the 12 steps. And thanks for the info on EDA. Unfortunately, there's not a meeting near me (because it sounds like something I might be interested in). Maybe I will try going to some meetings again. If definitely does matter what meeting you go to. I just need to find one that isn't super strict. I can't have a sponsor who tells me I'm supposed to call them and tell them everything I eat (I don't even know if the whole sponsor thing works for me--I just want people to relate to me) and eating a carrot at a party can never be a "mistake" for me--that's too far gone.

thanks for sharing
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#92 of 118 Old 03-20-2005, 03:32 AM
 
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Originally Posted by May May
There are actually a lot of folks in the 'health food movement' who experience constant anxiety about their food reality.
This is fascinating! I KNOW that I used veganism as a way to try to control what I ate (and I hated it), and that lead to vegetarianism. (Now I continue to be veg just because I mentally can't go back to eating meat.) In any case, I try to be careful with being careful :LOL about what I eat because I simply don't want it to be a trigger . . .at this point, I am much more comfortable eating processed food and eating dessert "whenever" (I try not to keep track) than to worry too much about healthy eating-- this really works for me mentally and physically. I know if I think too much about healthy food it will be an obsession, and I am just done using food that way. I try to balance it by eating things like homemade broccoli soup but having no qualms about using heavy whipping cream to make it!

Beth, I'm a Chicago person, too. Feel free to PM me if you need IRL support!

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#93 of 118 Old 04-14-2005, 10:18 PM
 
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Growing up, I was always quite underweight, no matter how much I ate, or thought I was eating. I just didn't gain and was skinny. Everyone "hated me" for that. My family was an emotionally abusive place but not too bad otherwise. I've just had my third baby and I'm realizing that I've always had some sort of anorexia, even when I weigh plenty. I just avoid food. I don't like to eat. When food is served to me or by me, I eat plenty, but when it comes to the practical aspect of getting myself meals and frequent snacks throughout the day, I am terribly negligent. I am nursing a newborn, a toddler, and a now-and-then 3-1/2 y-o. My babies have been big, and I'm not underweight anymore, but I still wait until I'm near passing out to eat, often. It's a guilt thing. I don't feel worthy of it. Money is tight; I feel that I'm wasting resources. Or that I should eat something cheaper, but that often means something more complicated, time-consuming and energy-consuming. I don't plan well, and then, knowing it's my own fault that no food is ready yet, I punish myself by waiting it out (while also meeting 2 or 3 requests for the breast). I don't know if this clinically qualifies as an eating disorder, although I'm sure it did in some of its former versions.

Anyone relate to this? Thanks.

Nicole
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#94 of 118 Old 06-25-2005, 12:18 AM
 
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I actually jsut started a thread in the mental health area and then found this one. I wonder if we can do something with it that can really keep us moving toward recovery?? Sharing stories helps a lot, but what if we had something more organized?

There I go trying to control.
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#95 of 118 Old 07-14-2005, 04:34 PM
 
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I just found this thread, and I thought I'd share my story:

In not-brief, I began obsessing about my weight (even though I was already underweight) around puberty, age 13. It was about having control over the way my body was changing. I hated that I kept gaining (again, just normal growth weight) and I had no control over it. My mother battled obesity for years, and I think that affected how I veiwed my battle with the scale.

I dabbled with anorexic behaviour and bulimia, but never went 'all out', probably just because I was naturally thin, and It wasn't hard to keep the weight off. Eventually, around age 20, I finally filled out to a regular adult shape. I hate number talk, because it always seems competitive and harmful, so I won't discuss height/weight details here. Anyway, I began restricting more, thowing up more, just to maintain. Then at 22 yrs, I mocved out and left the country to live on my won. I was lonely, had no friends.... so I obsessed. The restriction became crazycrazycrazy, and when I did eat, I threw it up. It became something beyond my contral after six months or so. I was losing a lot of weight,but I looked and felt sick, and I was spending tons of money on binges and new clothes, because my size kept gowing down.

At one point, I was calling sick to work everyday, because I couldn't stop the binge/purge cycle long enought to even go to work. That's when I was hospitalized. Six weeks at Johns Hopkins. It didn't cure, me, but it did put me back into control. And with my boyfriend's support and my own future goals (like wanting to be a mother), I was able to regain control. Oh- and medication. Pills help.

Now, at 24, I consider myself recovered. I'm married to the previously mentioned boyfriend, and we are expecting our first child in December.

I have to admit, morning sickness was a difficult time. There's a fine line between feeling nauseated and using that as an excuse to throw up. But I've kept sane, and done well.

And for the first time in my life.... ever. I stare at my reflection in the mirror, and I look forward to getting bigger!

Anyway,eating disorders suck, and I applaud people who are brave enough to call it a problem, and to do something about it.

My advice to those who want to recover and/or stay recovered:
-avoid comparing numbers... ever. I don't allow myself to know others' height/weight info, and I never give mine (heel, I don't even know mine!)
-for me, I find it neccesary to not even own a scale. They weight my at the OBs office, and that's all (at first I stood backwards on the scale there so I wouldn't see the numbers)
-keep in mind the example you want to set for your children *this inspires me a LOT*
-remember that food is just fuel, and take it day by day

If anyone ever wants to chat, feel free to PM me.
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#96 of 118 Old 10-22-2005, 07:38 PM
 
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Lurking...
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#97 of 118 Old 11-01-2005, 03:34 AM
 
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hello,
wow this thread really went underground for a while, huh? Anyone interested in discussing more? Maybe a new thread should be started or maybe this one will rekindle. I recently started checking out the EDA meetings in my area, interesting. Also found a cool website bodypositive.com that I love. I really think my stuff is all based in my body image & how insecure I am in being myself. I like how EDA is about finding balance with food.
Anyway, if anyone wants to yak about it, or if there is another current thread going on, let me know...
Maria
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#98 of 118 Old 11-01-2005, 03:41 PM
 
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I'd love to participate in a discussion on this.
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#99 of 118 Old 11-03-2005, 12:24 AM
 
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I'd be into it if there were a few 'rules'. I'm looking for a recovery thread, not a thread for people who are going to talk the numbers game ( how low they were), talk about or brag about symptoms or rituals, etc. I read through some of what's on this thread and it's pretty triggering and not very supportive of recovery (for me atleast).

So, I don't know if someone wants to start a new one or if there can even be parameters on threads...if so, I'd be in.
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#100 of 118 Old 11-03-2005, 01:09 AM
 
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hi all,
Kim, I think those are really good points, I don't know how successful we would be since I can't think of any way to enforce things. You could try setting up a recovery thread & being clear about the rules & then see what happens. I do think a new thread is a good idea since this one is pretty long & pretty out of date. If you start a new one, you could link it here & we will see what happens? I promise to come post! ~Maria
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#101 of 118 Old 12-21-2005, 08:22 PM
 
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I am having trouble with my ED right now. I am at an all time high weight and those old tendencies are creeping back. I started with my ED at age 11,also the age of my first suicide attempt.
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#102 of 118 Old 12-22-2005, 12:12 AM
 
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Is something triggering your symptoms?

How can we help?
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#103 of 118 Old 12-22-2005, 02:03 AM
 
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Aside from your "all time high weight", how is your general health right now?
((hugs))
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#104 of 118 Old 12-22-2005, 11:33 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by solstar
I am having trouble with my ED right now. I am at an all time high weight and those old tendencies are creeping back. I started with my ED at age 11,also the age of my first suicide attempt.



I'm sorry you are struggling. I am too, and it too was because (partially) by being at an all time high weight. I'm also going through some pretty big stuff emotionally, so I know that that is what is underlying this whole thing.

If you feel comfortable sharing some more of your struggle, maybe we can help or offer some more specific support.
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#105 of 118 Old 12-22-2005, 12:13 PM
 
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I've never been one to purge, although I've done it plenty of tines, but I've been binge eating since I was about 9. This came at a time when I started being molested and I too attempted suicide at that age. The only way that I can manage it is to be on some sort of strict diet. I will never be able to just eat what I want, because I can't stop myself. The biggest I got was 260 and it took years to lose the weight (down to 135) and maintain it. Funny, I was finally slim wearing a size 6 and I was still not happy with myself. I wanted to be 115. There are things I do to keep myself from doing it though.

Stick to a specific diet plan
Don't buy any goodies for myself that aren't approved for that diet
Don't bake deserts (I cant resist fresh baked cookies)
Don't even take one bite of something not allowed because then I can't stop myself.
Don't drink alcohol, it increased the appitite and I am too easily swayed.

Some people say, well just control yourself, you can have one cookie. Well I can't just control myself, it doesn't work that way. Eating one cookie could lead to a 2 week binge. I wish I could be normal, I hate being this way.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (17) Seth (10) Pandora Moonlilly (6) and Nevermore Stargazer (3) Married to awesome SAH DH.
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#106 of 118 Old 12-22-2005, 01:05 PM
 
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Sharlla,

I'm sorry for what you went through when you were a kid. I know the pain of sexual abuse too. I too used food to deal with it and it has been a life long struggle for me. I very much relate to your statement of being very strict with yourself in order to not go on a binge. I 've had people tell me "Can't you just eat a small healthful meal?" My answer is "no".

But, I know that I can't do that because even if I'm not "acting out" with the ED, it is in my head. So restricting or being strict in order to keep from bingeing is still ED behavior.

I read your list of "rules" and I totally get/understand those. What came to my mind when I read them was "wouldn't it be nice to be able to maintain your desired weight, but not have to abide by those rules to do it?" It seems to me that because you have those strict rules - and they keep you from bingeing - then you are still caught in the ED. Don't get me wrong. I totally understand the need and the control that those rules give you. I have similar rules, and I so wish that I could just eat without it being a battle in my head.

Have you ever gone or thought about going to see a therapist to help you deal with your past and also with the ED? I finally found a good one and even though it has been the hardest thing I've ever done, it has been so wonderfully helpful.

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#107 of 118 Old 12-22-2005, 01:45 PM
 
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I am at 163 when last yr I was a 3/4.
My therapist thinks maybe my mom moving in has triggered it.
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#108 of 118 Old 12-23-2005, 12:00 AM
 
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Is there anything that worked for you in the past that has helped you get back on track?

As a pp said, try and eliminate the rules. My idea of recovery is to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. That's it. It all stays down, I don't deprive myself.. what do you think about that?

Can you make binging 'not an option'?
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#109 of 118 Old 12-23-2005, 01:53 AM
 
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Right now I'm just trying to get back to my ideal weight. Then I will try to eliminate some of the rule. Yes I have been on meds and been through therapy. The meds helped a lot with my moodswings, but I didn't find therapy all that useful.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (17) Seth (10) Pandora Moonlilly (6) and Nevermore Stargazer (3) Married to awesome SAH DH.
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#110 of 118 Old 12-23-2005, 03:13 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla

Some people say, well just control yourself, you can have one cookie. Well I can't just control myself, it doesn't work that way. Eating one cookie could lead to a 2 week binge. I wish I could be normal, I hate being this way.
I know exactly what you mean...
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#111 of 118 Old 01-10-2006, 12:56 PM
 
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Hugs to everybody.
I am 25 and have been bulimic from 15 to 22. I have seen a therapist and done a lot of research by myself. I put on a lot of weight during those awful years.

I am pregnant now with my first but I have already strech marks all over my body because I had been very big, then skinny, then bigger than the first time, etc...... I now eat in a healthy way, organic and all that.... when I look at when I did to my body, what disgusting foods I ate, the amount of food I put into my poor body I really have to thank my mother for making me the healthier meals when I was a child because otherwise, I'm sure I would have some problems now (diabetis or such).

So many women struggle with it... some of them you would never guess.... let not be guilty

Love to all
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#112 of 118 Old 01-20-2006, 11:53 PM
 
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I'm having a hard time with this. People think I'm crazy because I only feed DS 'perfect' food. Organic whole grains, fruits, veggies, some cheese -- he's never had refined foods -- except for some whole grain crackers and a pizza crust -- no sugar, ect.

I want to teach him moderation and that all foods can fit into a healthy diet. I want him to eat when he's hungry and stop when he's full, and listen to what his body is craving.

I've been hospitalized for it a few times and the last two times, there have been boys/guys in the ED unit..I don't want my son to end up there.

So, let me put this question out there...how do you keep your DC from having your food issues? Or, how to you teach them to have a healthy relationship with food?
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#113 of 118 Old 01-22-2006, 11:15 AM
 
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www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org
12 step group, great support.

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#114 of 118 Old 01-31-2006, 03:37 AM
 
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Hey, mamas! I just wanted to jump in here and lend some support, as well as introduce myself. I posted in a thread back a while ago-maybe in mental health on eating disorders. Here's a quick overview of my struggle and recovery

-Began my eating disorder at 12 years-Anorexia
-Continued w/ my ED through high school-I went back and forth between Anorexia w/ purging and Bulimia w/ restricting
-College was the real start of my spiral downward. I was sexually assaulted. My ED got really bad. Mostly Anorexia w/ purging. I was in therapy, but really wasn't ready.
-3 years ago this month I went into in-patient treatment at the Renfrew Center, FL. It was truely a life saver. I was way underweight. My mind didn't work very well. I had withered away. I remember being at my therapist's office w/ my parents before I went and her asking me if I was really ready to go. And I was!

I signed myself in and stayed for 3 months. My stay at the Renfrew center began as 100% supervised w/ out rights to walk the grounds to and Extended Care program, where we could go out to eat and other things in the community. I even went on an overnight trip.

I did a lot of work there-from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed-indiv. therapy, group therapy, art/movement, etc. You name it...I was doing it. I practiced yoga-a major love of my life now. It helped me to accept myself and the skin I am in, as well as find a peaceful place in my life.

When I was released I continued meeting w/ my therapist here and a nutritionist. However, those appointments grew less frequent b/c I was doing well. In August after my release I got pregnant and was medicine free I was able to end my therapy sessions in October and haven't been back since. I was able to watch my body change and my skin stretch w/ such love and admiration, something that I was never able to do before. Even now, w/ my dd not too far from being two, I look at all my stretch marks and feel such and beauty!

Food is now my friend. It nourishes my body, mind and spirit. When I look at it I see just that. I have made peace w/ my rape. I want to raise my dd in a way that she never feels pressure from me, society, or anyone else that she needs to look, feel, etc. a certain way. To me the best way of doing this is through modeling.

I write this post, not to make anyone feel bad, but to give hope to others struggling w/ the ED still. I realize that I have only been in recovery for 3 years, and I am not aware of what the universe will throw my way in the future. All I can hope is that the tools that I have learned can guide me w/ happiness and peace in my body and spirit!

Peace and Encouragement to all you mamas.

*I'm subscribing to this one

Beth, Mama to dd , wife to dh , teacher :~ Living, Loving, Learning...everyday.
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#115 of 118 Old 03-10-2006, 07:20 PM
 
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I just found this thread.
I'm a recovering bulimic. I was hospitalized for two months at Johns Hokins about two years ago. I'm done pretty well since then with a few short episodes (oops). Since I got pregnant (one year ago), I've been on my best behavior. My dd is four months now. I exclusively breastfeed, which helps keep me in line (I don't want to jeapordize my bf relationship by messing up my electrolites, etc). But I am getting frustrated with my weight. I have only lost 20 or so pounds of my pregnancy weight so far. And most of that was just in the first few weeks post partum. I've been obsessing and binging a bit (not crazy binges, just over eating a lot), and I'm afraid of going overboard to compensate.
I did call the Johns Hopkins unit yesterday and requested the 2500 calorie exchanges. In the hospital, we were taught to eat bases on the exchange system. I guess I feel like I have to go back to that for now to get back in control. I think 2500 calories should be about right for a breastfeeding mama. So far, I'm just following the meal plan and working on avoiding anything else. But I'm just sort embarrassed that this has to be so difficult for me. I hate that I have this all or nothing mentality. The other night, I felt myself slipping into the negative thought patterns of punishment and control about food.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent, and maybe get a little support. I'm trying to regain control the right way. It's just so hard!
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#116 of 118 Old 03-10-2006, 08:22 PM
 
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Carolyn,

It sounds like you are doing the exact right thing. You are acknowledging your distorted thoughts, and working on regaining control before you get out of control. That's awesome! It is so hard to reach out and ask for help sometimes, but it sounds like you are doing great!

I just got out of 6 weeks of IP and IOP, and it is a struggle for me right now. Some days I can make it without giving in to the ED behaviors, and others days, well, I'm trying. What I did learn was to reach out for help, and to not knock myself and shame myself when I screw up.

Hang in there! It sounds like you are doing a great job! I agree, follow the meal plan (one of the hardest things for me to do), and that should give you some of the structure that you need.

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#117 of 118 Old 03-19-2006, 03:06 PM
 
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I haven't been able to write until now, with baby in my arms, it's hard to type and wipe tears, kwim? Anyways, I am a recovering anorexic with purging, but no binging, though officially diagnosed as EDNOS because I didn't get small enough before I was forced into therapy. Talk about the system working against you huh?

My story started in high school, where I worked my butt off in all honors and advanced classes, swim team, and cheer squad, plus having to be the perfect daughter and big sister. I can't even remember when I started because it's been so long ago, though I think I remember it starting at 16, when my bf of 4 years dumped me for not having sex with him (I was a virgin and ashamed to be seen naked). At some point in the spring of 2001, I was 5'5" and I weighed 112 lb. Nobody ever told me that I looked good or looked bad that I can remember, but I still felt incredibly heavy. By that time I had developed a huge fear of being overweight (my mom is) and really thought that I looked the same as she did, even now, looking at pictures of then, I see myself as overweight. This yo-yo'd all through the rest of high school and college, until I was eating the least I'd ever eaten, even though I wasn't at my thinnest. That's when I got pregnant with DS. Before he came, I had had 3 miscarriages and developed hypothyroidism, which I will now live with the rest of my life. I haven't restricted in over a year now, but I say recovering because part of me is still looking forward to DS weaning himself, so that I can finally get my current weight under control. I think I am actually overeating now, and I know it's not good because I have food hiding all over our house and I won't eat a whole lot until DH is asleep. I go to curves, but instead of concentrating on getting healthy, all I think about is "Am I thinner than her?" "Are my thighs showing?" "Can anyone see my stomach through my shirt?" I went from 179 to 173 in one month, which I know is a healthy weight loss, but I am now dreading my weigh-in next week. Some days I do really well, eat 3 healthy meals, and dont' think about my problems at all, other days, it's all I can do to shove food in my mouth, and sometimes I won't eat all day because I know once DH gets home from work I will have to. I have been to see a therapist once, during my pregnancy, she didn't do a whole lot to helpe, because I wasn't restricting while I was pregnant. She would ask one question about my eating at the beginning of the session, then we would focus on my severe anxiety disorder.

Anyways, I just wanted to share my struggles and my story. Big hugs to all of you!
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#118 of 118 Old 03-19-2006, 03:20 PM
 
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I also want to add that my DH knows, but doesn't understand, and hasn't asked me how he can help. He harasses me about food (what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, how often...) all the time. He thinks he's just making jokes and picking on me.

Also, my parents, sisters, and the rest of my family know nothing. I am too afraid to tell them.What am I afraid of? I don't know. I think part of it is that I am afraid they will try to stop me later if I start again.

OK, I have to go be a milk bar...
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Most users ever online was 449,755, 06-25-2014 at 12:21 PM.