Oh mamas, welcome me home! I am both relieved to be here and sad that we all suffer the same way.
I have been eating disordered since I was 12, when we moved from rural NJ to NYC. I just felt so out of control, and food was the one thing I could control. Became anorexic then and just ricocheted between there, bulimia, and compulsive overeating until now.
When I was 19, I screwed up my esophagus and vomited a toilet full of blood. I have rarely purged since then.
I have had periods of BAD anorexia, been hospitalized for it, had it go into remission for a while, had it come back, etc. Seems like it never, ever is very far away.
Presently I am a binge eater. I will devour any junk food type thing in the house. I frequently cannot stop til it is all gone. I try to compensate for this by not eating all day...saving the calories for the night after everyone's asleep.
DH knows I have a problem with food. He deals with the issue of disappearing food relatively well, yet I am so ashamed that I just can't control myself better.
In reality, the only thing that keeps me from going back to a semi-anorexic lifestyle is the fact that I am still nursing DS. When I don't eat enough, I really have supply issues. I guess I am thankful for this. I am proud that I love DS more than myself. I was always very selfish before DS, and this is one of the most obvious ways in which he's helped me to become a better person.
I try not to talk about my food issues, particularly my anorexia, or anyone else's, because I feel that it's really contagious! I get kind of jealous, for lack of a better word, of another's control or size or what-have-you, and then there I go again!
I used to smoke cigs, but then became pregnant and now would never smoke again. But those were the days! I could smoke rather than eat for long periods of time. I know to someone who has a normal relationship with food, this sounds insane, but I'll bet some of you will know what I mean.
I'm sorry if I am romanticizing my illness, but I am presently so f***ing tired of feeling fat! I'm still 15 lbs more than I want to be, 25 lbs heavier than when I got pregnant. My stomach is droopy and loose and I hate it! It's so hard to live with a body so different from how I used to be!
OK, that's my story. I am really sorry if I kicked up anyone's "monster"...I am just so tired of feeling fat, and wanting to binge, and being painfully full from a binge, and feeling badly about myself. I guess you guys know the drill.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here.
~Kiyomi~ Unschooling mom to one very chatty, very amazing 7 year old bundle of boy