Self esteem/worth is ruled by what guys think about me... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 03-19-2011, 09:45 PM - Thread Starter
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This has been an issue for me my whole life, but it has really been bad the past few months, (after my first dating experience since my divorce ended with me basically being dumped for no reason.)  I took it very badly and have been having a lot of self defeating thoughts such as...I am worthless because I was dumped and if I were just prettier, smarter, thinner, more fun to be around etc the guy I was dating would have wanted to stay with me.  I am determined not to start dating again until I deal with this.  I feel like I need to be happy on my first first, but before this guy I really thought I was and felt really good about where my life was going.  I hate that I let something like this control the way I feel about myself.  I am embarrassed that I have let it get me down so much and that I have been so crushed and destroyed by it.  I want to love myself and have confidence but I just don't know how to go about working on it.  Anyone have any suggestions?


My Ex Husband was abusive and was my first serious relationship (we got together when we were 18) and so I think that a lot of things that he had told me (that no one would ever want me and that I have nothing to offer anyone) are coming back to haunt me.  I just want to get to the point where I don't feel like I have to settle and do anything/everything to make a guy happy and want to be with me.  I never take my own wants and needs into consideration in a relationship and I need to start doing that.  In the future if I get dumped I want to be able to let it roll off my back and say oh well it is his loss.  This is so frustrating!  I just hate feeling this way! :(

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#2 of 7 Old 03-21-2011, 06:06 AM
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I don't have much advice except lots of hug2.gif


I find it interesting that you say your marriage ended "for no reason"...Was this the abusive husband? I am trying to figure out if it was another person or the same one? There is always a reason and if the relationship was abusive it was truly a blessing in disguise. 


I honestly don't have great advice, although I wish I did. I do that it is so easy to get wrapped up in a relationship you lose yourself a bit. I've been there and done that, fortunately my DH is quite happy to let me be me...If anything I think I am the overbearing person in our relationship at this point. I hope someone can give you some real advice but I just wanted to bump this for you. :)

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#3 of 7 Old 03-21-2011, 07:54 AM
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Thinner, smarter, prettier really has nothing to do with it. Years ago, I used to listen to Dr. Laura on the radio (yeah, yeah, I know; although I think 15 years ago or so she was a little more moderate, a little more woman-focussed) and while I wouldn't recommend her all around philosophy, she said a few smart things. When women would call in with that opinion -- if I were only thinner, smarter, prettier, whatever-ier, I would get a good man -- she would say "have you been to the mall lately?" Meaning that if take a large sample, you will see coupled up people in all shapes, sizes and levels of attractiveness. So it has nothing to do with that. The only thing I can think of to recommend is to be the person you admire, and eventually increased self-worth will follow. Another good question to ask yourself, if you find yourself getting involved in questionable relationships is, "would I recommend my daughter do this?" Or your best friend, but I find daughter works extremely well when it comes to making a good "in your best interests" judgment and taking the clouds out of your eyes.

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#4 of 7 Old 03-22-2011, 07:22 AM
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Hi, I was wondering if you had ever read any books on self esteem or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or looked on the internet. They are techniques you can use. One book that is good is "Mind over Mood" and is relatively inexpensive. It isn't a "self esteem" book exactly, but it has exercises you can use to change the way you look at things. By this point in  your life you are going to probably have to consciously work to change the way you think about yourself. The thing that is good about the Mind over Mood book is that it will help to deal with other situations in your life such as "I will never get a good job" etc.

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#5 of 7 Old 03-31-2011, 08:37 AM
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I'd recommend "Codependent No More". I'm reading it right now and it's AWESOME :D

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#6 of 7 Old 04-02-2011, 06:06 AM
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Hi Freedom Mama...


I could have written your post.  I am just coming out of my first relationship post-separation with my ex.  I had been single for about a year when I met someone, and had been in a really good place...feeling positive about myself as a single parent, looking forward to working again after being at home with my kids for 10 years, being grateful for the amazing tribe of women in my life, who were there so much for me over the last few years while I endured my cheating ex.  In general, I was optimistic, happy, and definitely in no rush to get into a relationship.


So, out of the blue, I met this guy.  It was a bit more complicated because he doesn't live in the came city, so it was a long-distance thing.  We became friends first, slowly, and then things heated up.  We spent an amazing week together.  He's a very open, communicative person...we shared so much, talked so one point he commented that I was the biggest woman he'd ever been with (I'm a size 12-14) but I was beautiful.  It kind of bugged me that he said that (the big part, not the beautiful part), but I didn't dwell on it.  Things changed after that week...he was finding the distance too difficult, he hates being on the computer all the time (our primary way of communicating was skype as he's too broke to do long distance calls), they give him migraines etc.  He wanted to cut back on computer time as it was affecting his work, he was behind on deadlines, etc.  I panicked, wondered if he was dumping me but not using those words.  He said no.  And then- get this- he said he wasn't dumping me because there was nothing to dump.  He considered us to be true-blue friends, confidantes, but not romantic partners.  How could we be, he said, with all that distance between us (2000+ miles).  I was devastated as I'd become emotionally involved, and assumed he was too.  It sure felt like it. 


Anyhow, I was crushed.  I am angry at myself for letting myself get thrown in so deep, for not hearing me what he'd been telling me all along (that he wanted to take things S L O W, that he wasn't over his ex), etc.  I'm upset that I lost that peace I'd had with my life just before I met him.  I want it back, so badly.  And instead I'm in mourning for something that never was.


What I'm trying to do, because intellectually I know what to do, is to shift my attention back to my real life- my kids, my home, my friends, looking for work.  I try to bring beauty into my life- this has always helped me as I am highly influence by my surroundings- keeping my house tidy and organized, rearranging furniture, crafting a bit, planning my garden.  I am trying to take care of myself too- eating properly, sleeping enough (the time difference with him was really cutting into my sleep), walking more, exercising, putting makeup on every day and wearing clothes that I feel good in.  It's helping, a bit more every day.


Sorry- just noticed how long my post is!  I didn't mean to hijack your thread.  Just wanted to say I understand where you are, mama :>


Happy single mama of Girlchild (10) and Boychild (9).
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#7 of 7 Old 04-02-2011, 09:36 PM
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I'm about to go to bed but I couldn't not post.  I am  also in the process of ending my first relationship post separation.  I have been on my own now for a few years and I finally met this amazing guy.  He told me that he was in love with me and we've been dating for about 6 months.  Yet, it's become apparent that he's not interested in our relationship long term.  I have been falling head over heal in love with him and am super sad about this.  Just tonight, I was feeling depressed and that's how I ended up finding this thread. 


I was fine by myself, going to school, etc and I now I just feel hopeless and sad.  I keep trying to justify why it would be ok for us still to hang out.  He treats me like a girlfriend by doesn't want more....basically, I'm getting taken advantage of. 


So, I am trying my hardest to let it go and not call him...ugh, so while I know I sound pathetic....op your not alone. 

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