Letting go of a friend - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 12 Old 04-22-2011, 10:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
Sharlla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Springfield Mo
Posts: 12,055
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

we have been friends 5 years.  im the only person in her life that has remained.  her family, her ex husband, every friend she has had over the years want nothing to do with her.  im the only constant in her life.  she claims I am her best friend but she acts like I'm not.  whenever she meets someone new she acts like she doesnt know me and focuses on them until they leave her then she comes back to e

 

over the years she has done a lot (A LOT) of shady stuff.  i didnt judge her, she asked me for advice, i gave it, she ignored it and she did what she wanted anyway.   well this last year has been pretty bad.  she kind of went off the deep end.  did some Really crazy stuff.  her son was out of control and I had to set boundaries (her son was not allowed at my house until she go him some therapy) and she got offended and pulled away.  I thought we werent friends.  we didnt talk for months.  I grieved our friendship, i moved on.

 

she met some guy and wanted me to meet him.  i did, i hated him.  i knew right away he was bad news.  he was living in a halfway house and fresh out of prison for bank robbery/   her marriage broke up, she went through a divorce, the guy was emotionally abusive.  for months I had to deal with her bawling histerically on the phone.  they broke up, made up, time and time again.  finally i got tired of it and told her I didnt want to hear about it anymore and she pulled back again. 

 

she had a girl move in to her house as a barter for childcare. its worked out pretty well.  I figure now that she doesnt need to use her boyfriend for childcare she will get rid of him.  eventually she gets tired of him demanding to see her phone records and to see her texts (he's smart to do so because she is looking for a new boyfriend while they are living together) and they are done. 

 

its a year later.  her son is on meds and seems to be doing well with his therapy.  i am allowing him now to be around my kids.  things seem like we will be able to repair our fragile friednship (she still calls me her bestfriend) then i hear that her and her ex are gettng back together again!  they dont even like each other!  wtf!  so I tell her, that she can do what she wants but as before I wont be going to her house, she wont be bringig him to my house an d I dont want to hear anything about him.  she thinks I should give him another chance and that i should support her (emotionally abusive) relationship.  i tell her regardless of what i think of "them"  i cant stand the guy.  just thinking about him makes my blood pressure rise. I dont EVER want to see him again, I dont want anything to do with him, i want to pretend he doesnt exist.

 

of course shes pissed.  she thinks everything should be hunky dory and I should just pretend the past never happened.  shes blasting me on facebook saying that a real friend should be supportive and be there to pick up the pieces when she screws up. um i've been there to pick them up time and time again.  i've been there when everyone of her fair weather friends have ditched her  I'm pretty pissed because she totally is phony in front of everyone else and it annoys me. 

 

i finally tell her I''m done.  not to call me in 3 months and pretend she didnt know we werent friends.  to act like she doest know me when we run into each other in public etc  im finished.  ive been nothing but a good friend to her and shes done nothing but crap on me.  shes done so much shady stuff, stuff she would never be able to tell someone else.  shes.  i dont often give second chances, I dont know what kind of pull she has over me. i've said Im done so many times.  i dont get anything out of this, why am I still friends with her?  i wish she would just move away and never contact me again.

 

then she texts me and shes so full of crap.   totally contradicting herself from all the stuff shes said the lastt couple of days.  i'm sick of her treating me like a back up friend.  i'm sick of watching her make collasal mistakes and ignoring my advice.  finding out shes been hosting playgroups and intentionally not including me etc.  im done.

 

how the heck do I just move on?  she is like a rash that just wont go away!


Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

Sharlla is online now  
#2 of 12 Old 04-23-2011, 05:00 AM
 
EarthRootsStarSoul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 870
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 18 Post(s)

Well, just let go.  Don't return her texts or phone calls.  She really doesn't sound like a  friend.  As long as you tolerate her behavior, she feels that you approve of it. 


 


bellyhair.giftreehugger.gif     coolshine.gif      greenthumb.gif     read.gif
EarthRootsStarSoul is offline  
#3 of 12 Old 04-23-2011, 09:33 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,028
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by EarthRootsStarSoul View Post

Well, just let go.  Don't return her texts or phone calls.  She really doesn't sound like a  friend.  As long as you tolerate her behavior, she feels that you approve of it. 


 



pretty much that...just ignore her. It isn't high school. You don't have to see her or be friends with people who are friends with her.

Ldavis24 is offline  
#4 of 12 Old 04-23-2011, 09:40 AM
 
samstress's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: so-cal
Posts: 2,240
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

so sorry you have to deal with this. hug.gif

 

this person is obviously toxic and adds nothing to your life (except grief).  you just have to make a clean break.  NO contact!  there's no point in trying to explain it to her -- she's never going to get it.

 


mother is a verb
I GOT MY vbac.gif!!!

samstress is offline  
#5 of 12 Old 04-24-2011, 05:16 AM
 
sanguine_speed's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 3,634
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Is your siggie new?  whistling.gif

Hey Mama! and Purple Sage like this.

4 kids under 10
sanguine_speed is offline  
#6 of 12 Old 04-25-2011, 12:46 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 311
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Change your thread title to "Letting go of a parasite" and it puts a whole new spin on it, eh?

AttunedMama is offline  
#7 of 12 Old 04-25-2011, 02:13 PM
 
journeymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Having a Gilly Water with McGonagall
Posts: 9,766
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
how the heck do I just move on? 

 

Identify what it is that you get from her.  Does she fill a need? Replace her with a healthier source. 

 

 

 

I say this because I cannot imagine being friends with someone like you described.  I would actively dislike her. So a possible conclusion is that you get something from her that isn't apparent in your post. 

 

 


Someone moved my effing cheese.
journeymom is offline  
#8 of 12 Old 04-26-2011, 01:52 PM
 
rhianna813's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Oregon's green valley
Posts: 863
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I agree with JourneyMom in that I do not have friends like the one you describe. If I knew a person with those behaviours or attitudes it just would not be able to grow into a friendship.

 

But I know it’s hard to let go… I’ve known this in romantic relationships that were issue ridden. What helps is start seeing the one sidedness to it all. To stop being worried about her emotions, her reactions, what kind of friend you are to her. Focus on what you are getting (nothing) and what you deserve (everything).

 

If you are at all open to new agey self help exercises….. a very simple letting go meditation I was taught goes like this:

 

Relax, close your eyes and see yourself. You have a basket or bag. It holds the energy that we allow people to give us, that we hold on to. It’s not ours but it sometimes feels that way. It’s not bad either – just the personal “stuff” from our partners, kids, parents, friends, family, coworkers, that guy who cut you off in traffic…. That we unknowingly carry around with us.

 

This energy can look like anything you want: marbles, books, shoes, junk mail – I usually visualize puzzle pieces because it feels like I get mine mixed up with other’s peoples.

 

You visualize yourself walking up each person and just returning their pieces. You can thank you them if you like. If might be a little or a lot you are returning, but you will notice your bag getting lighter and lighter. It’s a good feeling.

 

This might be helpful in letting go of this woman who was in your life for a while. You can also visualize her in a pretty bubble and wave good bye as she floats off to new adventures.

 

Hugs,

 

Rhianna

rhianna813 is offline  
#9 of 12 Old 05-02-2011, 11:22 AM
 
limabean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 9,609
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)

Unfriend her on Facebook, block her cell number so you don't receive her texts, block her e-mail, and don't answer the door if she comes over. 

 

I'm sorry she's treating you so poorly. 


DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
limabean is online now  
#10 of 12 Old 05-03-2011, 10:33 AM
 
Starflower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Western WA
Posts: 2,442
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

It sounds like you are a compassionate person. You alone have been there for her. It sounds like you value friendships highly and don't throw people away. Are you afraid if you let her go, then something bad will happen to her and you'll feel guilty because you left her like everyone else?

 

It sounds like it is time to leave her. You say she wants you to pick up the pieces. People can only pick up others to a point, then it's time for the other person to pick themselves up. She is waiting for you to rescue her like you have in the past. You are not responsible for her. Or for her son.

 

I agree with the PPs who suggested you block her on FB, don't answer her calls/texts etc. Block her email. Any response would be taken as you having interest in the relationship, even if you are emphatically telling her to go away. Any response would be encouraging to her.

 

Good luck.


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
Starflower is offline  
#11 of 12 Old 09-06-2011, 02:13 PM
 
kayleesmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 1,214
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

i would move on. how are things now? i hope better.


Mom to K(7)M(4)and baby J(2)cold.gifhh2.gif
:

kayleesmom is offline  
#12 of 12 Old 09-07-2011, 03:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
Sharlla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Springfield Mo
Posts: 12,055
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

still friends with her.  ive made really great friends with someone stable so I hve just learned to accept that she is who she is.  im not super close but she comes to things with us.  that guy that she was seeing got a retraining order against her and she's been through many since. I have put down that im not meeting any new guy that she hooks up with.  she has to be serious.


Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

Sharlla is online now  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off