Do I call/see my (toxic)mother on mother's day? - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-07-2011, 09:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I could really use some advice from other mom's on this..

 

I have decided that not speaking to my mother is the only way to go at this point..

She is quite a sick person and calls me often to scream at me/ emotionally mess with me and i've just about had it :(

 

While I wish that we could have a good relationship, it just doesn't seem to be working and I feel that I'm at the point where I have to protect myself from the toxicity and if that means totally cutting off ties,, than I guess so be it...

 

Of course with tomorrow being mother's day and all I feel sort of obligated to call her/see her... Deep down I really feel resentful that I should have to go out of my way to "honor" her when she doesn't really deserve it! If things were semi-ok I would be happy to, but with the way things have been I just don't feel she deserves it!

 

Do I stick with my guns and avoid her or do I bend and reach out to her??

 

Thanks in advance to those who read this and respond!

 

Happy Mother's Day :)

 


mama to DD 6/05, DS 11/03 and a new dd born 6/11 

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Old 05-07-2011, 09:17 AM
 
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I would not call because of obligation. If you WANT to call, then do so. If you feel you HAVE to call, don't.

Never doubt that a small group of committed, thoughtful people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. Margaret Mead
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Old 05-07-2011, 09:19 AM
 
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I think we should all thank our mothers for raising us, that is unless they left us on a curb when we were little. However, sending a card or even an e-mail counts. NO way do you have to see or talk to her ON mothers day. Many people that have good relationships with their moms still only send cards. Be the better person and send an email. 

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Old 05-07-2011, 09:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeteaa View Post

I think we should all thank our mothers for raising us, that is unless they left us on a curb when we were little. However, sending a card or even an e-mail counts. NO way do you have to see or talk to her ON mothers day. Many people that have good relationships with their moms still only send cards. Be the better person and send an email. 


 

 

I think this is a goal to possibly work toward. First, the OP might need to take control of the situation and build her understanding of her own power first.

 

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Old 05-07-2011, 10:03 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeteaa View Post

I think we should all thank our mothers for raising us, that is unless they left us on a curb when we were little. However, sending a card or even an e-mail counts. NO way do you have to see or talk to her ON mothers day. Many people that have good relationships with their moms still only send cards. Be the better person and send an email. 



I don't agree with this at all.  I could not possibly give my mom a *sincere* thank you for how she raised me.  I have given her plenty of insincere thank yous, and it leaves me feeling like a fraud and I know she knows I don't mean it.

 

OP--Is your mom actually mentally ill?  If so I would have a little more compassion, but I am guessing that when you say she is sick that isn't what you mean.  In that case, no, I don't think you owe her a phone call or anything else.  Give yourself permission to give yourself a life without her toxicity.  She obviously couldn't/can't give that to you, but that doesn't mean you should force yourself to endure it. 

 

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Old 05-07-2011, 10:21 AM
 
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I send cards.  I only send the ones that say things like "Happy Mother's Day" and not something that I don't believe.  I do hope that she is happy, I just don't want to be around her or have her around me.  Saying things such as "Thank you for always being a great mom!" would be me lying... saying a general acknowledgment of the day seems to feel better, to me.  I'm not at the point where I'm sad about it anymore though.  It took a lot of tears and wondering if I was being a bad daughter by honoring my need to cut all emotional ties.  In the end, I decided to cut all ties and take the relationship very superficially.  I still send cards and will keep any personal calls to the bare minimum and UNDER 10 minutes.  If a conversation turns personal AT ALL, I give a light reason to have to hang up such as "I'm on my way to meet up with someone so I'm going to hang up now.", without saying something like "can I call you back?" or "sorry to have to cut this short"  or anything misleading or putting guilt on myself.  Maintaining the power in the relationship I have constructed for my mother and myself has made ALL the difference.

 

This family stuff can be such a challenge once you become aware of how deep the cuts go.  Stay strong and honor yourself first!


"When the external begins to define the internal, instead of the internal defining the external, one begins living as a mortal rather than as a universal being." ~ unknown
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Old 05-07-2011, 11:01 AM
 
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I don't send/do anything. Toxic is toxic, no matter the relationship.
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Old 05-07-2011, 11:38 AM
 
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I was perusing Mother's Day cards the other day, and wondering why they don't make ones that say, "Thanks for giving me life, but that's about it."

 

I'm in the generic Happy Mother's Day card club too - and OP, you do whatever you feel comfortable with.  If you feel OBLIGATED to do it, then DON'T.  If you WANT to, than DO.

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Old 05-07-2011, 01:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FiveLittleMonkeys View Post

I was perusing Mother's Day cards the other day, and wondering why they don't make ones that say, "Thanks for giving me life, but that's about it."


 

I ended up sending my mother a blank card with pictures of flowers on it because none of the messages worked for me. I needed something like, "I've forgiven you for allowing dad to molest for years, and I've moved on. You were a sh*tty mother, but I'm over. In spite of everything, I actually do hope you have a nice day."

 

That seemed kinda rude, so I wrote "happy mother's day" and left it at that.

 

IMHO, whatever gives YOU more peace about the day is what you *should* do. You can call her if you really want to, or not. Whichever will actually make you feel better and let go of thinking about her for a few hours.

 

But, and I know this part is hard, spend as much of your time and energy for mother's day about YOU, about your 2 sweet babies and the one on the way! Take time to really feel blessed and fortunate, and live in the present with the family you've created. Go some place pretty and take a bunch of pictures of your kids. Tell your DH you want a locket for photos or a mother's ring or whatever would make your heart sing.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 05-07-2011, 02:19 PM
 
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Does she go to church or do you know if she will be out during the day?  Try to time it so you can just leave a message... "Hi, Mom, I'm calling you for mother's day.  Have a good one, bye."

 

Not that you are obligated to call, but my thinking is that you "tried," so she can't scream you out for it.

 

btw, I'm sorry :(  don't let her ruin the day for you

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Old 05-07-2011, 02:25 PM
 
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Or she could scream you out because you "should have known" how she wanted it done.

I like the idea of calling when you know you can just leave a message, though :-)
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by nmbutts View Post

Does she go to church or do you know if she will be out during the day?  Try to time it so you can just leave a message... "Hi, Mom, I'm calling you for mother's day.  Have a good one, bye."

 

Not that you are obligated to call, but my thinking is that you "tried," so she can't scream you out for it.

 

btw, I'm sorry :(  don't let her ruin the day for you



 

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Old 05-07-2011, 03:00 PM
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Do what you want to do.  If you don't want to contact her, then don't.

 

 


"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 05-07-2011, 08:54 PM
 
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I have BTDT, and without getting into my own situation, don't call her and don't feel guilty.

 

I completely agree with Linda on the move above. Allow yourself to claim Mother's Day as YOUR day, not your mother's day (hmm.. that is a hard thought to write clearly). Do something that will make you happy because you deserve it smile.gif


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