Am I the only one who feels this way or acts this way?
I am 42 year old mom to a beautiful, loving, energetic 7 year old boy. I work full time outside the home. I am married and although we’ve had some major issues, our marriage in is a better place now than a few years ago. We are having a very hard time financially though, as DH is umemployed. Spending has been cut down to bare minimum. There is not money for some of hobbies I used to enjoy, for travel or even gas money to visit friends in the next town over. I cook everything from scratch to save money, while still eating healthful.
Some how through all this I have misplaced my hobbies, my spontaneity, creativity and time spent with friends. I am more preoccupied with our budget, planning ahead weeks and months into the future, the weekly cooking schedule, planning the garden, planning and analyzing everything! BLAHHHH!
I think I go along ok, taking some amount of pride in how well I am “dealing” with it all and pushing myself to meet the next challenge. But then if anything tosses a wrench in my schedule or budget or thought process I just crumble. I get completely stressed out, impatient .... and so not fun to be around. The weirdness is that I actually have a goodly amount of time, mostly on the weekends. DH encourages me to go out with friends and have hobbies. Yes, it has to be free or cheap but there are no other restrictions. He looks at me sometimes like why am choosing to have no life.
It’s just that my mind is stuck. I feel so overwhelmed in the date and number crunching I am doing in my head. I feel I have nothing to talk about with friends L I struggle giving my attention to fun things because somewhere there is some issue (housework, cooking, piles of papers, a phone call to make) that needs to be done.
But yet I will sit in front of the TV and zone instead of doing anything practical OR fun. And then I just feel lazy and guilty. Love that one eh?
Overall, I can see and understand WHY I am feeling this way and acting this way, but I am not sure HOW to change it L I really want my mind back in the HERE and NOW, enjoying the moment.
I don't particularly have a solution for you but I sympathize.
Watching television makes absolutely NO demands upon me. It's a complete escape. Where as going out with friends or setting up a for-fun project is simply one more thing on the to-do list. One more thing I should do. Even though I know it will be fun and re-energizing once I get into it.
You are probably a little depressed right now. It's certainly understandable given your circumstances. You're also simply in the thick of it right now, 'it' being motherhood, marriage, running a home and working full-time. All normal stuff, and you're doing a great job. Still it's just plain tough.
I can only say, don't lose yourself. Make the effort to reconnect with just You periodically. There's a version of you inside who is pretty darned patient, but she does want to get out and play periodically.
I'm in a similar place financially, and, for me, I find that it absolutely consumes me. Planning the food, cutting corners wherever we can, worrying. It is draining.
I also have a DH who encourages me to go out, but I feel somehow guilty for doing it, and I feel ashamed of our finances around my friends (my deal, certainly not founded on anything my friends feel). I also just don't have the energy most days. Even though I long to go out and have some 'me' time, when push comes to shove, DH taking out the boys to let me stay home in my PJs, sip tea and read Jane Austin is just where I prefer to be, it seems.
I don't really have much to offer in terms of advice. Just wanted to say that I love reading your threads about family spirituality and practicing earthy spirituality in everyday life. I would be all over spending more time discussing that with you here! For me, that falls in an acceptable sphere of both interesting to me and filling for my family, you know?
Sending you sympathy anyway.
Thank you so both for the replies. I could HUG you both for the validation J
Gwen – your post touched on even more stuff I feel, like shame around my friends regarding my lack of money. I try to not bitch about it to them, but if I am not honest I get invited to things I cannot afford. Thank you for enjoying my posts about earth based spirituality and family. I was not sure how many people were actually reading those LOL DS and I did an impromptu garden blessing for our veggie garden this last full moon. DH acted like he wanted to join in, but then started working on a project in the garage. We waited as the sun got dimmer, then he changed his mind. I was so instantly depressed. DS and I carried on fine. But that was a moment of me realizing I was feeling out of sorts. Really reactionary, impatient, like the cup was too full and any extra drops of stress or disappointment led to craaaaazy woman.
Right now I am on the fence if I will volunteer to lead the Summer Solstice ritual for my group. I have led it for the last few years to make it as kid friendly as possible. But it’s work, meetings, expectations… and I am feeling fragile. BUT as mentioned above, the more I pull away from my friends/sisters/groups to somehow save my brain cells, the more insolated I feel.
Anyway, yes I am delighted to discuss any spiritual or pagan family topics. I really enjoy it and love tossing around ideas and activities. Should we start a thread and what kind??
Blessings and a big thank you!
I've been thinking about your post, OP. I understand. I also find that my brain is in high gear to juggle all the requirements of cooking whole foods for a family--within a tight budget. And if someone in the household is looking for work, it casts a shadow over the entire household--don't underestimate that.
I'm always startled by how much time is required to make dates with friends. First I have to think of a couple of things we could do together, then propose dates, then wait for her to get back to me with alternate dates, and so on. This is for "easy" get-togethers!
Are there any personal-time activities you enjoy that don't involve preparation? I sometimes go to a coffee shop and think my own thoughts. Or there's a craft group at my church that I can show up at if I feel like it. One friend just got through a divorce and sometimes we watch silly tv together at her house when the kids are at their dads'. Or free night at the museum?
Maybe this is a fallow period, when the seeds are in the mud and nothing appears to be happening. But someday it will be spring again! That's what I tell myself, anyway!
When I try to do everything, he lets me do it all. Then I burnout and get really angry. It's not a good scene.
Take some pressure off yourself and don't even pressure yourself to hang out with friends. Maybe just hang out at the pool (what I do) and relax.
Thank you for the responses to my post. Truly appreciated! I have an update!
During the time I wrote this post I was also having moments of complete emotional over reaction (sorry mom for snapping at you!), about every other day. Small breakdowns. I quickly realized I was completely, utterly stressed out. My stress cup was so full that even well intentioned people were causing me a strong reaction. And this is why my mind feels to overloaded.
I talked to DH and mentioned to him how I needed to remove some responsibilities, and of course how I had let my stress relievers (hobbies, friends, full moon rituals) go. And the result of that was me: someone I didn’t really recognize.
He suggested I make of list of things he could help with (he later tried to get out this though). I did but the list was very small: help with dinners, dishes and some housework. Hmmm something is still not right. I continued to have mega stressed out episodes.
Then I realized it. My entire body (physical, emotions, mind) was telling me that indeed the sh** had the fan. All the years of pent up emotion, feeling resentful and disrespected and not asking for better treatment. Just being really passive and attempting to solve all of our problems… had taken it’s toll.
I have definitely been in the midsts of having some heavy childhood issues triggered too: feeling invisible, trapped, unvalidated.
Well, I’ve been wondering when this day would arrive LOL And I feel a bit better knowing it’s here. I am now doing a TON of thinking on how to proceed. I’ve had one spew session/discussion with DH in the kitchen, where I told him things needed to change in a major way. I am not sure he completely understood… he seemed very supportive of MY changing. Not sure he actually heard that he would need to change too.
I have next week off of work and plan on doing some major self care, thinking, journaling and talking to DH. I am most importantly – thinking of how I am going to change.
Most of my issues are within my marriage, so perhaps if I post again I might post in PAP. But I am also looking to improve my communication, being assertive, and using positive affirmations. Either way, I’d love some support J
Thank you friends,