Would appreciate feedback on letter to my FIL - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 33 Old 05-28-2011, 04:03 PM
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OP--I read and responded in your other thread too, but wanted to say I am really glad you're giving a new therapist a shot.  The biggest problem is definitely your DH needing to learn its okay to set boundaries.  Unlike most of the other posters though, I would actually hang on to the letter.  I wouldn't send it today, but the information from your other thread and the fact that your DH has a history of not stepping up to set the boundaries, would make me want to keep it just in case.  I am really really hoping something clicks for him in therapy and he starts understanding that boundaries are healthy.  If not, I would consider at some point taking it upon myself though to set the boundaries through the letter if he decides he is not going to.  You do have the right to set boundaries.  This is your family and your kids.  So what if your in-laws think its more of the same "antics".  I don't honestly see how things could get a lot worse... Boundaries are healthy.  No matter who is setting them.  Yes, better for them to come from your husband, but its okay to come from you too if he is unwilling.  Is your therapist considering one-on-one with your husband?  Because honestly the problem is more his lack of boundaries than your marriage.  Obviously your marriage is dramatically impacted, but the true issue lays with him and he is going to be the one who has to make the biggest changes.  Sometimes marriage therapists focus too much on compromise when compromise is not appropriate.  The benefit to one-on-one therapy is that there will be a greater focus on him instead of your relationship with him.  I'm not saying there shouldn't be some compromise on your part.  I am just hoping your therapist "gets" the root issue.  Good luck!!

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#32 of 33 Old 05-28-2011, 04:10 PM
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I tried to edit to add... I am really truly sorry you're feeling so down about your marriage.  I don't know exactly how you feel, but I have been in a similar situation in which I really started to dislike DH for not stepping up to his family for me. I felt like he was betraying me.  It was hard to have fun and be a family when we were constantly fighting about when we were going to have to see in-laws again and how to deal with them.  *All of that* can change, and it did for me. It is normal and natural to feel how you are feeling about your relationship.  He is not doing what he should be by putting your family's needs ahead of his desire to meet his parents ridiculous demands and accept their childish and hurtful behavior.  That would be the one good thing about marriage therapy...to really hopefully have him understand the impact on you.  Beyond that though, he needs to figure out how to set boundaries with his parents and why he's so uncomfortable doing so.  Good luck!  Things can get better... there really is hope. 

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#33 of 33 Old 05-29-2011, 10:33 PM
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i wouldn't write a letter, most people know what is happening and choose to be stubborn, like my MIL. I myself just let it go and if she does anything I don't like I let her know to her face. Men honestly don't remember details of certain events and this could turn into a confusing situation leading both sides to mis interpret future events, like playing with fire. There are children involved now, so it'd be best to focus on your job as a mother and be a good example and not make yourself appear to be someone with too much time on their hands, which i know isn't true, but people forget what it's like to have kids.

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