Please Give Me Advice/Insight on New "Friend" - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 06-12-2011, 07:13 PM - Thread Starter
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I recently moved to a new state basically without knowing a soul.   I met a woman who has two children, a daughter my twins' age and a boy two years older.  We talked a lot while the kids were in swim class, and stayed after the month long class to let the kids swim in the pool.


The first time we got together in the park, post-swim class, she called me when I was 5 minutes late.  I am generally very punctual, but am brand new to the area, and misjudged my timing.  I apologized and explained we were one block from the community center drive and would be there in 2 minutes.  My bad.


The second time we got together I received a call on my cell phone at 12:44 p.m.  We agreed to meet at 12:45 p.m.  I was shutting the car door when she called, but laden down with books and bags, didn't answer.  I walked up to her and explained that I didn't pick up because I was getting out of the car and laden down with books.


We played there and then went to my house.  She frequently corrected my children:  I was correcting my daughter for nearly hitting me with her bike, and this "friend" says, "DD, say 'excuse me.'"   I told my son to go to his room to quiet down, and she came inside and told him to go outside and help pick up toys.  These are but a few of the times were I really felt like boundaries were crossed.


She had a twin pregnancy and lost one of the twins.  I have twins.  She also is returning to work in 8 weeks after being home for 8 years with her children. 


My told me later she had found out her transmisson was out of her car and just wanted to cry because it was going to cost a lot of money to fix.  In part, I could give her "grace" and write off her behavior to a bad day.  But in other part, I feel like she seems to have so much hostiity toward me that I want to gracefully get away from a "frenemy" at best.


She is a much, much stricter parent than I am.  She boasts of taking away her son's much-beloved Wii for ONE YEAR at age 6 because he had a tantrum at soccer, while simultaneously letting her daughter and her son's friends play with the toy.  (Needless to say, I would, and could, never be that draconian with my children.)   She had never, ever let her children eat cotton candy.  I let my daughter who has life-threatening food allergies and had never found safe cotton candy before be a cotton candy glutton at the library (with the library's blessing when I explained this was the first time we had ever found safe cotton candy and my DD usually cannot eat any of the offerings at parties, festivals, carnivals, etc). 


What do you think?   Advice? 



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#2 of 9 Old 06-12-2011, 09:42 PM
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Honestly she sounds WAY to high maintenance for me. Then again I may be biased since I am feeling extremely introverted lately,lol! But seriously, something I just noticed is that you didn't mention anything positive about your interactions with her. Maybe you were just focusing on the things that bothered you, but from what you wrote I would say it doesn't sound like the grounds for a satisfying relationship. You could confront her about these things(things that would definitely raise some red flags for me), or you could give her a few more play dates or whatever to show you that her behavior was just circumstantial. If I felt a connection with her and believed that she was just going thru a tough time, I might go with the latter, and if things don't improve, bow out gracefully. Good luck:-)

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#3 of 9 Old 06-12-2011, 10:14 PM
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I think you should trust your feelings and thoughts about this situation.


If you are regarding her as a "frenemy", maybe it's a blessing she's returning to work soon.  I certainly don't need any form of enemy in my life, but I can't speak for you.


Good luck!  It can feel challenging to cut a friend off, no matter how long we've known the person, but I know I'd rather be alone than deal with having my boundaries cross constantly.


Of course, something that stuck out from your post is that you didn't mention advocating for yourself during these moments of emotional conflict.  Perhaps you need to speak up for your boundaries, otherwise how can she know where they are?  Perhaps this could be the perfect friendship if you both simply have a wonderful sitdown and actively communicate. Or if you at least let her know the next time she crosses your boundary that she has done so.


But, if you don't think it would be worth it to do that, I certainly hold no ill judgment against you.  Follow your heart, Mama!

Yes, yes.  I'm fabulous. loveeyes.gif  Moving on...

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#4 of 9 Old 06-12-2011, 10:43 PM
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incompatible. keep looking. (ps: the more time you invest with her, the less time you'll have to meet other new friends.)

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#5 of 9 Old 06-12-2011, 11:04 PM
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Yep, move on. There's always more fish in the sea.
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#6 of 9 Old 06-13-2011, 07:25 AM
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It does sound like boundaries were crossed, and I am not a parent who freaks out when people address my children or even "correct" them. I think that I would probably be too busy to make plans. She'll probably be really busy with her new job anyway.

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#7 of 9 Old 06-13-2011, 07:19 PM
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Does she have any positive traits that you like, or is her only redeeming feature the fact that she is the only person you know in town?

I understand. We move a lot for dh's job and I've let stuff slide just because I didnt know any one else in the same time zone. But based on what you've said so far, she's not a keeper. You can do better.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#8 of 9 Old 06-18-2011, 02:38 PM
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I would correct her immediately when she oversteps her bounds when it comes to my children... and my children's space when being disciplined by me (she followed you into his room and redirected him when you were with him?!).  She needs to know what is expected of her with in the bounds of your home, life, and relationship.  People can be very pushy and severe, but mean very well.  They just can't see themselves behaving and so are clueless. 


I would create boundaries, maybe be unavailable if you find your time together is dreadful and seek other friendships.  There is nothing wrong with being direct..."I feel like our personality differences are too large and no longer want to get together.  I appreciate...blah, blah, blah and find you 'funny' and 'strong' (or whatever), but with our values being so different I can't continue the friendship.  This kind of thing is hard for me and I would do the disappearing slowly thing, but don't suffer for your fear of....what?

not all who wander are lost
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#9 of 9 Old 06-18-2011, 02:42 PM
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My experience with people like that is the deeper you get in, the harder it is to get out.   I'd cut ties now.  If this is her "good" new friend behavior, imagine how bad she'll be once you get to know her really well.

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