Please forgive me if what you read next seems unorganized, because it is!
I'm just going to write and see where this takes me. It's never been hard for me to accept kindness and love from other people but lately i feel pretty closed off. In fact I used to be so great with it that people took advantage of me, which may explain my bitterness. After a very long and drawn out break up that started about a year and a half ago and is just now coming to a close, I haven't felt the same. I feel sad a lot, I drink a lot, smoke too many cigarettes, etc. I've never held back my opinions, thoughts, beliefs, feelings, etc, and I still don't. I tend to offend those who have a perpetual chip on their shoulder when I'm really not trying to! I love everyone, I'm the least judgmental person I know, I just don't hold back my feelings. I guess it's too much for some people. I've been dealing with a lot of loss lately. Someone who I considered my best friend won't talk to me, hasn't talked to me in months. For what reason I'm not really sure. I felt her snottiness and judgmental - ness toward me so I backed off and I guess that offended her. She even deleted me from facebook... lol. I know, lame... but still. She is getting married, all my friends will be there, I was invited a long time ago, but I don't feel welcome now. I don't know how to talk to her about this because I feel bad, it makes me sad, but I feel responsible too. I work all the time, I only see my 4 yr old daughter 3 days a week bc of my work schedule, which in nonnegotiable . I don't know. My feelings are hurt over life in general and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of being sad and crying. I'm tired of this anxiety, this physical sickness I feel because of it. I used to be so happy, so confident. I was the one everyone came to for love and positive vibrations. Where did that person go? Because I really miss her. *sigh*
DS 7 ~ DS 3
You sound very depressed. In fact you sound like I sounded when I was very, very depressed. Is there someone in real life you can talk to? Do you have access to a therapist, counselor, or just someone who will sit and listen for an hour at a time? It doesn't mean you're crazy or broken or that there's anything wrong with you. Depression is treatable--without meds, even--and you deserve to be happy.
I'm sorry, mama. I wish I could be more helpful. I just couldn't read this and not respond.
Loving wife and mama to my sweet little son (Fall 2008) and a beautiful baby girl (Fall 2010)
When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. --George Bernard Shaw